How did I end up here?

[XXSMXX]

How did I end up here? How has everything gone so terribly wrong? This is my first post, I haven't posted here in around 3 years since I went through a terrible break up. Im going to be brief but I moved on obviously, got a job I loved and eventually I fell for somebody else...I worked with him. Around 7 months ago we started seeing each other after being friends for ages. Everything seemed good! fast forward 7 months....He has lost weight, changed his number, blocked me from all social networking and left our job. and me? Im being eaten up inside by guilt, general anxiety and depression.

 

 

I have given him so much grief since we have split up, and taken out the horrible way I have been feeling out onto him, leant on him far too much for support and eventually he just cracked. We haven't been arguing everyday or anything, infact most of the time we were okay, but the last two weeks with it being Christmas and new year I just didn't leave him alone. How could I be so horrible? I don't think my depression came on just because we split up, Ive always been quite anxious, I would lie in bed for hours next to him while he slept thinking of every bad possible scenario and being completely negative. Ive had a tough few years, losing my brother and nephew being the worst times for me. I don't want to make excuses for the horrible way I have treated him, I have held my hands upto every wrong I have done.

 

 

I knew I needed to maybe seek out some help with medication when on new years eve I was surrounded by everybody I loved, and I felt so disconnected from the room it scared me.

 

 

At the weekend I had a particularly abusive phone call from his mother, where she said I have ruined her sons life, was soooo rude to me and angry. I wasn't rude or abusive back, I tried to explain things but she wouldn't have any of it and just kept calling me a liar and that I must be schizophrenic (god knows where that came from) she claimed id harassed her son but when I told her we have been intimate several times since we split I was told I was a liar and I heard him in the background denying it. Ive also been informed that he has infact got a new girlfriend and I constantly check her instagram its ridiculous.

 

 

Anyways, I have been signed off work with a chest infection and I haven't left officially, he has left though. Im dreading going back to work, Im dreading everybody asking me if I have spoken to him, Im also dreading the gossips at work.

 

 

Part of me thinks maybe its time to move on and get another job? Move on myself? I started medication today, I feel slightly sick and wide awake. I have been in bed for 5 days, only leaving to shower and go to the drs today. I know this is the start of me rebuilding my life, I have been in weekly therapy for 3 months.

 

 

Where the hell do I start? I am completely numb.