YoUng LoVe at 20's can it LAST?!?! or will someone come along and take him away

[Starnette83]

Where Do I start?

Okay I guess I'll tell you about how much I love my boyfriend. We were eachothers first, he was my 2nd bf but pretty much felt like my first boyfriend because he was the only guy I got really serious with, and I was his first girlfriend, first everything, except first kiss (thank god).

 

Well I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years 1/2, since I was 17 and he was 16. Now im almost 22 in July, and he is going to be 21. At first I was always happy to celebrate each year of being together, but now that we might hit our 5 year on decemeber not only am i getting scared but getting doubts about the whole thing.

 

The problem is that I was his first girlfriends, and no guy stays with their first girl or does he? I dont think so. And also because in the past we have had many problems that dealt with his curiousity, and him saying he wasnt sure if he loved me because i was too clingy as well as he didnt know what to compare me with. I've found lots of porn, girls phone numbers, and chats online he has online. We broke up a couple of times, once for a whole 5 weeks with no contact, but I ended up calling him in a drunken night, and we got back. But sometimes i wonder if i wouldnt have called him maybe he wouldnt have called me and we wouldnt have gotten back in the first place.

 

 

Another Issue, is that he won't talk about marriage, and the only thing I know is that he wants to get married until hes 27, that is 6 years from now, so does that mean that i have to be with him for 11 years for him to marry me? it just seems so bizarre especially because what if i stay and he doesnt even end up marrying me, and then what? See, I dont want to get married now, I want to finish school and get my career done first, Im thinking of getting married until I feel prepared enough, like around 24-26. But with him I cant even talk about it, becaause he just shuts me out. I just want to know im not wasting my time for something that wont even happen in the end. Maybe im thinking too much ahead but I love him, and i want to be with him because i want to see its going somewhere, but he just wants to live it day by day sometimes leaving me in a daze. One moment he wants me , the next its hard to know what to expect from him.

 

 

Last night my sister told me something that hurt, but felt real and made me think alot and thats why im writing this now. She told me how she was worried about me, saying "I know you love him, but whats going to happen if he one day leaves you? You need to learn to be without him and not make him the center of your world. OF course he needs you now, he's still in school, he always goes to u when he has problems because he knows u will be there for him because u have unconditional love for him, but what will happen when one day he doesnt need u, or even worse finds a bitch who takes him out of your life, then he will just ignore u, and what will u do when u have centered all your love for him. " All of a sudden tears just flowed my face, I tried holding my tears and act as if it didnt affect me anything she said, but it sounded so real. Why? because he has shut me out before , when he felt life was going great and he didnt need me. I had noticed that he was mostly their when he needed me. but when he had two jobs, new friends, he did shut me out and thats one time we broke up for 4 weeks, and i remember how wheni tried talking to him he just made me feel so little and stupid, and then when he lost both his jobs, his friends got gf and left him, he called me back up, because he "needed" me.

 

 

Ugh so now i dont know what to do..Should I stay with him, and keep loving him and just see what happens, and just expect the worse? or should I move on, and see life without him, and maybe one day down the road if we were meant to be we might come back ??or can i be in the middle.........I dont know!!! I love him and to be honest I dont want to let go, im scared! hes the only guy ive been with since I was 17 and im so attached to him, their is no one that i feel so comftorble around, someone who i feel accepts me for me, not for an act or whatever.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think you've become accustomed to questioning your relationship so much that you can't actually enjoy having it anymore. You are so consumed with the 'future' that you are squandering your present - and let me tell you this much: some bitch won't come take him away - he will by his own choice, and with no regrets walk right out of your life on his own two feet. No one can live under the amount of pressure you are putting on this guy. You are holding him responsible for your happiness, for the rest of his life. Your sister was 100% correct in saying this:

 

You need to learn to be without him and not make him the center of your world.

 

If you do not have the capacity to be happy on your own, without him - then what do you have to bring to a relationship? What do you have to offer, except for neediness and insecurity? A relationship is only as strong as the combined strength of the two partners. When one of them can't stand on their own, the other partner is forced to carry double the weight to keep the relationship going. Don't do that to him. Don't do this to yourself.

 

It sounds like he is growing out of your need for him, and stays around mainly out of guilt, nostalgia and obligation. If you were to let him go, its not likely he would come back anytime soon. So... you will need to prepare yourself.

 

Have you considered going to counseling? I think you have lost your sense of self, and have made this relationship your 'self'. If the relationship ends, you will spin out of control and will be deeply lost because you will lose your very identity. You will have to rebuild from scratch from a deep, dark, hole. Why not stop yourself from getting to that point, by starting to find who you are outside of this relationship? Maybe the strength and confidence you gain can help you form a stronger relationship with him. Its apparent that he is distancing himself from the person you are now, but that's not to say he may fall again for the stronger person you can one day become. The good thing about making those changes and getting stronger, is that you may well grow out of your need for him and you can both go on with your lives.

[Treasa]

Yeah, what LB said, because I'm too tired to write out practically the same thing.

[Mz. Pixie]

No one can take anyone away who does not want to go...........

[laRubiaBonita]

i think that whole ideallogy of waiting till a certain age to get married is just an immature thought.

 

IMO, Most people do not really mature until about the age of 24-25. And even then there are some that are slow to mature, and some people never mature.

 

Just cause you are his First, does not doom your relationship either.

 

I am currently going baclk and forth with the thoughts that if a guy is the one you will marry, i think you would both know, and be willing to talk about it after only 2 years....if not sooner.

Not that you have to get married right after the realization occurs, but i would think both parties would be excited.

the only prob. with that theory is i have never experienced it, only heard.....so it is blind faith.

[Starnette83]

thank you for everyone that replied, its hard to hear the truth but i will accept it. Its true i have nlost my identity and have made this relationship my identity. I know this, thats why ive been depressed and uncertain for such a long time, but this week being with my sister and without my bf for a week has helped me see this, and somehow i need to gain my own identity without him in it. I will still be his gf because i love him and i know he loves me too, i just need to take the pressure off of him, and do things that make me happy wihtout him, i need to be open to making new friends and going out with those friends, something i havent done for a long time, I really dont know what steps i have to take to be honest, and i know it wont be easy, but if i truly want to be first and most importantly happy with myself and than make my relationships work is by loving myself first.

 

So when I go back, im taking summer classes, i will try to not see my bf that often, maybe twice a week the most, and I will be going to church every sunday. I'll go to school, running, etc. somehow i need to go back into who iw as before i met my bf. Thank you....

well imma go do sit ups now and later clean my sisters room, i need to show love to everyone not just my bf.

[FolderWife]

Oh Hogwash.

 

Two of my closest friends met their now husbands when they were 16. I'm sure they had little boyfriends before that or whatever, but they stayed with their boyfriends for YEARS went to prom with them, and married them a few years after they graduated.

 

My mom has been married 20 some years, and my dad was her first boyfriend and what not.

 

If you and your boyfriend don't make it, you'll be able to survive. You might actually welcome the freedom.

 

Unless there's some concrete evidence that he wants out...then don't worry so much. If you want out, just get out.

 

Or, take a break. If you're that worried that the two of you will want different things some day, take a six month hiatus from each other. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

 

There's a movie about an engaged couple that decide to have an open relationship, because the bride feels like she didn't ever get to be a slut before meeting her boyfriend.

 

In the end, they realized that each other was all they wanted.

[Weird]

A guy can be with his first serious g/f or love for the rest of his life. I'd think msot normal, logical guys would rather have that than go from relationship to relationship which amounts to wasted time.

 

I wish I could have had that perfect story for my life as I have no desire to date/sleep with loads of women to try and prove my manhood, but this perfect story didn't happen. Ah well...

 

My advice? Forget wondering about the future and just enjoy the relationship. If it is meant to be it will be; if it isn't then it will end. You are too young to be wondering about that crap.

 

Oh and I wish mroe people would wait until they are older before getting married. I'd say for 80% of the population most aren't truly ready for marriage until they are in their lates 20s. I'd say be thankful this guy doesnt want to rush into marriage now and wants to grow up before he takes that serious step.

 

Also, do what you said and don't revolve your lfie around your relationship...that is just a disaster waiting to happen. I work with someone who seems to be doing this with her b/f and if they ever break up she will prolly kill herself because it is like her guy is her whole life. Sad and silly to me...