Overly Sensitive

[danhalen138]

So I'm pretty steadfast with most things in my life but I've found the one area that I get absolutely wrapped around the axle about is girls/relationships...particularly break ups.

 

I'm 29 and while I've dated a lot, I've also been in 2 relationships that I thought would lead to marriage.

 

The first one ended due to a temporary LDR situation combined with her not wanting to settle down so young (I think she was 23 or so at the time). I pined for her for SO damn long and the breakup pretty much ruined my life for 6 months or so. Even after the initial torture I stilled carried a candle for her for like 2-3 years even though we only dated a year. In the end the thing that got me over her was meeting for dinner with her and her "friends" a few years post-breakup and found out she was into the polyamorous lifestyle and her "friends" were actually her boyfriends and girlfriends. At that point I was 1. Super turned off by the whole notion and 2. Thought "Well damn we totally DID want completely different things out of life".

 

What pisses is me off about this is that I never really got over her on my own. It wasn't until SHE did something that made me no longer see her as someone I wanted to be with that I was finally able to move on.

 

My second serious relationship ended in a similar manner (temporary LDR situation, deciding she wasn't ready to settle down, etc.) about 5-6 months ago except she also overlapped on me with one of her ESL classmates who I believe she is now living with in his home country...

 

I'm still in the "life is ruined" mode and think about her constantly. I don't want to feel this way until I some how discover something about her that makes her no longer appear desirable.

 

I'm not unable to go on living my life (although I struggled quite a bit the first few weeks post-breakup) but I just wish I wasn't so damn sensitive in this area of my personality and let it effect my self-esteem so much. It seems like compared to my peers I tend to fall for people and take break ups a lot harder and I'm not sure what I can do about it. People always say you have to be happy by yourself first and I guess I just never really learned to do that. Not that I haven't had long stretches without a serious relationship, and I'm not necessarily miserable if I'm single, but I always just feel discontent without someone special to share my life with and seem to only be able to get to about a 50-60% happy outside of a committed relationship.

[Zapbasket]

Well, firstly, you're not "overly sensitive" for feeling the way you do. You simply might be "sensitive," which actually is a very positive attribute because it means you don't take things like relationships lightly. Always better to feel deeply, with its incumbent highs and lows, than to be numb, which is akin to being living dead, or to be jaded, which is to be unable to perceive the beauty of being alive.

 

I've struggled (and still struggle) with something similar to what you mention--that it's hard to heal from a breakup without some outside force, like new friends, a new place, a new relationship, a new situation that causes you to see your ex in a new light. It's true that outside forces can and do influence how we feel. But what if the outside forces aren't optimal for healing? Well, then perhaps you have a wonderful opportunity to learn how to generate your own happiness, from within. It's a skill that is so important to well-being that I think it should be explicitly taught in school.

 

You start with accepting that the doldrums might last a while and you can't just will them away. Grief takes its own time and you just have to ride the waves. In the emptiness that grief and disappointment creates, you have to take active steps toward feeling better. It means you have to become hyper-self-aware...which can be the instigator of a lot of wonderful growth. What makes you feel good? What is missing from your life that you can take steps to obtain for yourself? These are the questions you have to pursue. Let's face it: we're going to be disappointed many more times in life. But what if you develop the tools to maintain a level of contentment no matter what life throws your way? It's all in attitude. And believe me, cultivating that attitude is hard, hard work.

 

I'm with you that the happiest state is one in which you are intimately connected with one or a few special people (romance and friendship both). But it seems what the cliches say is true: that nothing outside of you can generate contentment if you can't generate your own.

 

Hope this helps a little.

 

Edited to add: when I posted this, somehow the order of what I said got all jumbled in the transmission. I tried to reconstruct what I originally said; hopefully it still makes sense.

Edited January 6, 2016 by GreenCove