Being the family scapegoat

[truthtripper]

My grandfather was a narcissist pedophile who sexually abused many children, including me. I am the only member of my family who speaks out about my grandfather's crimes, while the rest of them love and revere him and cannot face the truth about him, even though now he is dead. As a result my family and their friends scapegoat and ostracise me.

 

How many of you have experienced or are experiencing similar and if so, how did you cope/are coping?

 

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a scapegoat is a person who is unfairly blamed for the wrongdoings of others.

[turnera]

I didn't experience it, but I've read about it and it seems to be a quite common psychological event. If it were me, I would frankly just go off and live my life without those people until such time that they 'get it.' You don't deserve to be the one being hurt.

[Grewd]

I'm not a scapegoat, but my mother believes she is. Might be enlightening to know "our" point of view.

 

She was sexually abused by her uncle, she speaks loud and clear for everyone to hear. She demands we do this or that and condemns her uncle for what he did, we in truth don't approve of his actions. We don't consider it wise to further reject this person as that usually causes a pedophile to not have anything left to lose. They might start doing it more with increasing severity for as long as they don't get caught. Also by everyone now knowing it he will be discouraged as he knows we're watching, much more effective than leaving him unattended.

 

We're not blaming her for "letting herself be raped" or anything stupid like that, we know perfectly well she was defenseless. What is the problem however is her abuse against us and she's been going strong on that for my entire life. We understand the abuse is an effect of her past, but that doesn't make abuse acceptable. What's further unacceptable is that she'd rather keep hurting us than to fix her own pain so she can finally move on in life.

 

She thinks she's a scapegoat because she sees everyone's except her own wrongdoings. She points at every single little "mistake" we do, but when we point back she goes into complete denial. She believes she's unfairly blamed, but she isn't.

 

We've tried helping her, we have gone above and beyond what is reasonably expected of any normal person to do. Nothing we have ever done has been good enough for her. She has denied the help she needs because we didn't help her "right", I just see it as another way of avoiding what she needs to confront. Anyways, if she knows the wrong kind of help she must know the right kind, but apparently she's not going to get it. That's because she doesn't know what she needs so she keeps neglecting herself and others around her, it's a pretty horrible sight and we're powerless to do anything about it.

 

She copes by dragging us all down instead of raising herself from the ashes. She also bricks herself in behind an impenetrable wall of denial.

 

So how do we cope with her? Nothing good comes from anything we do with/to/about her, so we abandoned her. We can't save her from perpetuating abuse, but we can save ourselves from hers and ensure we don't do it to others. Since all we say and do is "wrong" we won't say or do anything anymore to her, it's wrong and we don't want to contribute to more wrongdoing.

 

Seriously though, she has threatened to murder us, herself and called us the worst imaginable things. She has also pitted people in the family against each other and massively contributed to wrecking the family, no wonder she gets all the blame when we get to the truth of her staging it. For a while we were all in the heat of it, we all did bad things back, but we recognized it was bad and stopped while she kept going on and on and on. So she's indefinitely barricaded out of the family.

 

I could be less empathetic and lay it all on her, me being a son of an abusive mother, I'm innocent and she's bad. Then I could have waited for all your sympathetic responses and encouragements, but it isn't the whole truth. I did make choices I regret, I did things that had to be done to save myself that I certainly didn't like. However if I didn't do it I know I would have ended up abusive myself, I can't stand to watch myself hurt others like others have hurt me. I don't accept being a victim, I won't further victimize myself and make myself helpless. I could forgive my abuse up to that point, but upon forgiving myself there was no continuing to do what I know doesn't lead to good.

 

I don't know how to cope with specifically being a scapegoat, but I do know how to cope with being severely emotionally abused. I can't play victim because by having the strength to cope I'm not, the one's who abused me are the real victims as I realize they were abused and didn't have the strength to stop it in themselves.

Edited January 8, 2016 by Grewd
Wasn't done after all.

[truthtripper]

Hey Grewd,

I'm sorry you had to suffer so much. Your mother sounds like a difficult person.

It's great that you have a grip on things and know how to take care of yourself.

 

Your mum's situation is different to mine. While your family acknowledge your uncle is a pedophile, my family cannot acknowledge that my grandfather was a pedophile(he is now deceased). They tell me I'm crazy and will not accept my presence if I continue to complain about him and my resulting post traumatic stress disorder. I have been in contact with other people who were also sexually abused by him, mostly the children of his neighbours. They are all suffering the symptoms of trauma. We are angry and disappointed that we didn't get the opportunity to take legal action against him before he died. It doesn't help when his family give us no validation or support.

 

Has your mother reported her uncle to the police? This is the best way she can reclaim her power.

[truthtripper]

I didn't experience it, but I've read about it and it seems to be a quite common psychological event. If it were me, I would frankly just go off and live my life without those people until such time that they 'get it.' You don't deserve to be the one being hurt.

Yes, I have met many other family scapegoats in support groups. We have no choice but to disconnect from our families. Many of us carry a grief which does not dissipate over time. It's heartbreaking to face the fact that one's family can be so cruel to their own members, in the desperate effort of denying the painful truth to maintain family pride. The shiny false exterior of family image is more important than the truth.

[candie13]

it's about the coping system. They work better pretending nothing happened, it works better to them to hide it and push it down rather than face it and accept it. Too complicated.

 

See, the reality is we all have a dark side. All of us. Jung calls it "the shadow" or the alter-ego. and we all surpress it, in order to function in society. And sometimes, if we surpress it too much, it plays tricks on us and takes over and this is why men end up killing other men, because they've tried to surpress their feeling of anger for too long.

 

OP, I don't believe in coincidences. Jung calls it synchronicity. I have read that signature of yours a few weeks back and it stayed with me. Now, I am reading this book called "meeting the shadow, the hidden power of the dark side of human nature". It is edited by Connie Zweig and Jeremiah Abrams. Read it, it will do you good.

 

In chapter one, it talks about "family scapesgoat". Sound familiar ?

 

Take care

[LaraC]

It's heartbreaking to face the fact that one's family can be so cruel to their own members, in the desperate effort of denying the painful truth to maintain family pride. The shiny false exterior of family image is more important than the truth.

 

True that. These seem to go hand in hand. If these families lived in reality, they would not tolerate abuse and they would not create scapegoats. The scapegoat is their way of maintaining the lie. Often because they believe other families are competing with them to be the 'best'. In their minds keeping up with the Joneses is of huge importance. But no one else cares! Other people are too busy with their own lives and their own kids. If anything, sharing your problems makes you more relatable to others. But these families tend to isolate themselves, and try to seem better-than-you. You will notice the mat/patriarchs of these families have few or no close friends, and a lot of fake friends, often higher status. They don't let others in, because the truth might come out. It's really a pathetic cycle imho, with roots in reality-challenged narcissism.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey Grewd,

I'm sorry you had to suffer so much. Your mother sounds like a difficult person.

It's great that you have a grip on things and know how to take care of yourself.

 

Your mum's situation is different to mine. While your family acknowledge your uncle is a pedophile, my family cannot acknowledge that my grandfather was a pedophile(he is now deceased). They tell me I'm crazy and will not accept my presence if I continue to complain about him and my resulting post traumatic stress disorder. I have been in contact with other people who were also sexually abused by him, mostly the children of his neighbours. They are all suffering the symptoms of trauma. We are angry and disappointed that we didn't get the opportunity to take legal action against him before he died. It doesn't help when his family give us no validation or support.

 

Has your mother reported her uncle to the police? This is the best way she can reclaim her power.

 

I would write a VERY CLEAR and CONCISE letter to each of your family members detailing exactly what was done and exactly the treatment you would like to receive from them in order to heal. As well, I would detail the CURRENT behaviour you receive from them regarding the lack of acceptance from them about your experiences to be ABUSIVE. Their rejection of you from them over you being victimized is abusing you all over again. That is NOT okay.

 

In fact, I was not (to my recollection) sexually abused. I put the "to my recollection" in brackets for a reason. But anyhow....... But my father in particular was a very abusive drunk. That had a permanent effect on me and I had no issues speaking out or continuing to to this day when it is brought up. I swear they seek validation about it. Like a "oh hey, we are here at a birthday party and I'd like to mention that I was an awesome Dad and great provider, so here have some money if you can admit that I wasn't a drunk or an abuser." (Not such pretty language.) Well guess what? I NEVER play ball with that. I will never stop speaking the truth about him. I will never say "aw schucks, it really wasn't that bad." It WAS. And I refuse to have a relationship with my father on any other level unless he can take one iota of responsibility for his ****ty parenting.

 

Which he won't. Which is fine. I don't expect that. But what I do expect is my mother to cease pressuring me to just play ball and cuddle up to my abuser. When she WITNESSED the abuse. I can't stand her denial. But fine. She denies. Defends my Dad. But I've warned her free and clear. DO NOT BRING IT UP WITH ME. I WILL NEVER VALIDATE IT AND IT WILL END OUR RELATIONSHIP.

 

I am not looking forward to his death. I can't stand to hear about what an effing "saint" he was when he was a terrible father and philandering husband.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes, I have met many other family scapegoats in support groups. We have no choice but to disconnect from our families. Many of us carry a grief which does not dissipate over time. It's heartbreaking to face the fact that one's family can be so cruel to their own members, in the desperate effort of denying the painful truth to maintain family pride. The shiny false exterior of family image is more important than the truth.

 

I wished I had a family that didn't toss me away if I didn't buy into the image for years.

 

Luckily I married a husband who came from a mother who was more concerned about "what the neighbours would think" than how she cared for her children. He endured brutal abuse do he understood exactly what the deal was. Despite the fact that his mother didn't drink, was a fanatic......the emotional patterns were the same. BUT, he wanted something different for our family and so did I. We attend weekly counseling. Both IC and MC. It has worked well to break down emotional barriers and defense mechanisms / traumas.

 

Now I have a family.

[LaraC]

Now I have a family.

 

Extraordinary. Congratulations. I'm sorry your family wasn't there for you. I try to think of life like this: You have 1440 minutes in every day to spend however you want. You can spend them working toward your dreams, or wasting them on the past. You could change your life forever with a single decision, or decide to spend 30 of those minutes exercising and changing your body, you could write a love letter or a poem to your husband and make his day, plan a trip you've always wanted to take, really, anything you want. They are yours and yours alone, like an all day pass at a theme park where you get to pick which rides you want to ride. Once you go to sleep however, those day's minutes are gone forever, and you are 1440 minutes closer to dying. If anyone in your family has died, you know how utterly final it is once your minutes are gone. They cannot do one more thing, not even write an email. So, as sad as it is that your family never gave you honest support, would I waste my precious 1440 minutes on them (a third of which you lose sleeping)? I would not. You are investing them in people that matter, in your husband and kids, and investing in yourself and in the legacy you will leave, by spending some part of your time in counseling and in reflecting on changes to make positive steps forward. I find it completely admirable and inspiring. My father was killed in a car accident suddenly. There were a lot of things I never got to do, conversations I wanted to have and never got the chance, because I wasted 20 years thinking I had all the time in the world. You honestly never know when your minutes will be used up and your chance to effect the world and people's lives ended forever. These minutes are the most precious gift you will ever have, and they are just for you. Its wonderful that you have the inner strength to write a positive script for your own family going forward, and to live in reality, and to be there for your real family, your husband and kids I mean. You are like an angel shaping their lives for the better. What a waste to spend them on people who won't change or on wishing a different ending to the past. If I could warn you, you will be hit by a car tomorrow at this exact moment, you only have 1440 minutes left before you die, how would you spend today? Who would you reach out to, how much would you let your husband and kids know how much you love them and always will. Who would you thank profusely, who would you say I'm sorry to, and who would you shake your head over, thinking my God, I wasted so much time on you that I can never get back? Surely you wouldn't waste a second in another denial-ridden argument over your parents sick, sad rut. If there's something you need to say to them to move forward, do it, if not, I say it's a waste of time you could otherwise spend on something that matters.

[candie13]

When abuse happens - phyisical, verbal or sexual - people around the abusers are affected. All of them. The abuser doesn't just physically or sexually abuse other people, but they mess with the family's minds. He takes control, all eyes are on him, everyone tries to anticipate the next moodswing and anger outburst to best be prepared. Called adaptation to a harsh environment.

 

The number one characteristic of it is denial. Full denial in block. My dad was that drank a few weekends ago, that he was not making any sense, asking my brother-in-law if he was going to go to the Barcelona football match. They all live in Eastern Europe. My mother states clearly and very convinced he stopped drinking 12 years ago. She is serious.

 

OP, abuse is a family disease. It is not only physical, but it's also mental, psychological and spiritual. All people around the abuser are ill. Mentally ill, because they hang on tight to denial, thus becoming enablers. The hard truth is, most likely, those family members enabled your grandfather's sexual pedophilia. But they were not aware of it. They were crushed. Their sense of right and wrong is warped. They cannot accept reality and your truth, because that makes them - everyone of them, guilty, as co-abusers. For allowing the abuse to happen.

 

For sure, the wife knew. For sure, brothers or sisters knew. But they could not accept it. They were that sick, the grandfather had f*cked with their brain so much that they were more willing to allow their own children to be molested than accept that the grandfather was an abuser.

 

And now that he's gone, it's like it never happened.

 

Two things happen, when you live with an abuser: you either become an abuser or you take the abuse.

 

Your family members are all ill. Denial is the surest symptom. I am sorry you have to go through this. It's great that you're processing through those emotions. You cannot expect support from people who need support themselves.... They may have not been sexually abused, but mentally, they live in the same hell, facing the same fears.

Edited March 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T