(Dumpee) I am thinking of asking for a second chance

[wlh22]

Thanks for being patient and reading this, and for your advice.

 

1. We dated for about 6 months and she wasn't able to move the relationship forward (commitment: moving together etc etc)... After several discussions turning into "I just don't know", I ended it (sort of like she forced me to by being vague etc). I am 32 and she was 25 so I was afraid she and I were on a diff level of seriousness of a relationship.

 

2. After 3 months, she reached back to me and asked for a chance to be back together. She said she missed me, she screwed it up and she really wanted to build a lifetime relationship with me.

 

3. I accepted giving us a chance. After seeing she was really taking the effort and treating me well for 2-3 months... I sort of started falling emotionally again.

but, looking back, the problem was I somehow was reserved a bit and perhaps wasn't able to open up\let her in 100% like the first time. That may be showed in the behavior.

 

So one week, I felt like she was pulling back. I told her I was not ready for another break. After 2-3 days she dumped me. It has been 4 months since then. I have gone through intense emotions of confusion, hurt, anger and missing her in this period. I have contacted her twice. The first contact was after a week of her going dark so I didn't even really know she had broken up with me (just didn't know what was going on but was sort of assuming she dumped me when she wasn't answering my calls). And then one more time (which was 1-2 months ago) to sort of clear the air (I didn't beg her to be back but certainly did tell her the way she ended was not good and it really hurt me etc... it was a bit emotional... but there wasn't any bad words exchanged or any begging. She did say she was really sorry)

 

She made mistakes at the end and dumped me terribly... Essentially by not even informing me that she is dumping but just straight blocking me. She didn't answer my calls. I did not handle well and after a couple of months I called her to essentially sort of be mad at her for what she did. She apologized but she said she just didn't feel it

 

I know it is complicated. 2 breaks. She came back to me and dumped me. So why should I even want to go back etc.

 

That's where I need help.

 

Although I agree she has made mistakes, I feel I had ego and trust issues the second time and didn't completely "open up" to her. I think that showed in my behavior and made her likely "not feel it"

 

I think we both made mistakes.

 

I am thinking of reaching back to her... Starting with wishing her Happy New Year and see if she wants to re-initiate contact. And then potentially discuss if we can work on our problems.

 

 

What do you all think? Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? The situation has been very confusing in my head. A couple of my close friends who know the relationship have said I should move on and she seems very fickle and doesn't care about me. But I feel she is just young and not mature enough but wasn't a bad intention person. And me kind of holding myself back partly caused the issue in her mind.

[Frogwife]

The likelihood of you getting any 'go for it' responses here is unlikely - it's pretty much a "scorched earth delete/block" group (like how your gf broke up with you the second time).

 

I am all for taking chances and the "no risk, no reward" so I think there is no problem dipping your toe in the water with a Happy New Year text... that said, as she kind of subscribes to this "ghosting", blocking, etc. as well, do you really think this is someone you could trust a third time, after two breakups already in a short time?

 

I know it's hard when we miss someone - but as an outsider, that seems like a lot of back-and-forth turmoil for a relationship that was just in it's beginning stages. I think there's nothing wrong to contact her and see if she's open to contact and/or talking about being together again, but I would tread carefully. She hasn't been reliable and the blocking and stuff says a lot about how poorly she manages her emotions and relationships/communication with other people.

[goldway90]

But I feel she is just young and not mature enough but wasn't a bad intention person.

 

Don't make excuses for her, that would be a starting point. I don't see the point in reaching out tbh i mean you expect something to happen by wishing her happy new year ( maybe you two start talking, then you fall in love .....) She dumped you, then it's HER job to contact you and make things happen.

 

You should be living your life, doing things you love instead of thinking too much about her, i agree with your friends just move on.

 

PS: You can wish her happy new year only if there was no agenda behind it, but you do and trust me this would hurt you more. Good Luck.

[Blanco]

I don't think it's a good idea. Here's why:

 

- Your relationship was brief. I know from experience a lot of feelings can develop over six months, yet, it's not a significant amount of time in the bigger picture. That you two split twice in such a short chunk of time suggests it's not the great fit you might think it is. The first few months of most relationships are characterized by light, free, and easy experiences with each other. What kind of lasting relationship could be built when you two were having obvious problems so soon?

 

- You were long-distance. It's not mentioned in this post, but your story sounded familiar, so I went back and checked and saw you two were long-distance from the start. I did the LDR thing many years ago, so I don't automatically discredit them. I do, however, think a lot of them are absent of key relationship dynamics. Additionally, you have no real way of knowing how you two would get on together for an extended period of time. All you really know is long-distance communication and (I'm assuming) occasional, brief real-life encounters.

 

- You two have been separated nearly as long as the relationship lasted. Again, I'm not judging, as I've mourned the loss of a relationship for much longer than it actually lasted. Still, it's entirely possible that she's gotten on with her life, perhaps met some people; maybe even dating. The trap of holding out hope for reconciliation is that we sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that the other person is as stuck in the past as we are. We don't consider that it's likely they have changed since we were last with them, and they no longer hold the same romantic feelings for us.

 

- She has broken things off both times. Even if you did somehow get her back, how long before she would go dark on you once again? And don't think that wouldn't be an underlying fear of yours from pretty much the get-go.

 

- She has not reached out to you for reconciliation. This is my final point, but really, it's all that matters. She ended it. She knows how you feel. She's still gone. If she had any interest in renewing the relationship, she would at least put out the feelers. As the dumpee, it's not your job to tell her (or in your case, remind her) that you're still open to a relationship. You got dumped. You're already at a disadvantage. It's not on you to do all the legwork to get things back together.

 

Basically, I think you've gotta let this one go. You're hurting and I'm sure holding onto hope that she will be back, gnawing as it might be, is probably easier to handle for you right now than really accepting that she's gone for good and you'll need to lean into the pain of that reality before you can feel whole again.

[sandylee1]

She's not mature enough to know what she wants. If she wanted you ...... she'd reach out and she really should have ended it properly ... Instead of acting like a kid.