GF asking her best guy friend to move in with her and her friend

[CarrieT]

She lacks a decent sex drive as she is on contraception.

 

Overall she is a lovely person but I imagine I can do better. However, I don't want it to end like this because of this incident. The only reason why I'm with her is because she is much better compared to other women I have dated and maybe I've just set the bar a little low. She is nothing exceptional when I come to think of it. I don't doubt her feelings and love for me. She does love me and she cries about the thought of losing me but I've been with her long enough to know she is also worthy. I just don't know what to do now.

 

I think you DO know what to do and are afraid to do it.

 

Ultimately, this is not a relationship you should be fostering and you know it isn't going to continue in the long run.

 

Look at what you wrote above. Those are all your words. You aren't fully into this relationship so it seems a no-brainer that you should call it a day with her, but don't want this whole situation with Chris to be the catalyst.

 

Man-up, look at the whole of the situation, and do what you know you need to...

[thousandsuns]

So it's basically my fault she or in fact they couldn't find someone else to rent out the room to? There is no one else on this planet who they could rent out the room to that is a female or NOT Chris?

These are all silly arguments, and yes I admit my problem with trust but that is why I'm here to get some perspective on how I feel and about this situation. It's interesting to see how some people keep trying to deflect the situation.

 

Anyways, I went over and saw her just a couple of hours ago. She was upset, not because of just this stuff but for some bizarre reason the house they were living in has been put up for sale. This in term means that no one is moving in together. She has to move out next week and will be back to living with her parents since she has nowhere else to go. I didn't end up pushing the conversation that far as to if she would have chosen me over Chris but she said sorry and that she didn't mean to hurt me. That's end of story for now.

 

However, upon my visit to her just now I found out that Chris has been living with them for the last 2 weeks anyways. I didn't push on as to why or all that but I basically just let it pass. By the following weekend they won't be living together anyways and at the end if they did anything they would have already done so but given how many of you want me to trust her and believe she won't do anything and she hasn't I'll keep that thought in mind and give her the benefit of the doubt for now. Everyone deserves a chance including herself and her housemate Natasha also told me that nothing would most likely happen between them.

 

Looks like I'm with her for now anyways. However, after this thread I don't really feel as strongly about her anymore.

Edited January 7, 2016 by thousandsuns

[CarrieT]

Looks like I'm with her for now anyways. However, after this thread I don't really feel as strongly about her anymore.

Please respond to the points I outlined above regarding how you REALLY feel about her....

[lolablue17]

So? The problem is OP not trusting his gf to say no if Chris makes a move on her.

 

 

I wish to focus on that for a minute. Somehow People assume that the only question is "Will Chris sleep with her or not" as the only and final fact which should rule - "whether the OP should be comfortable with them living together or not".

 

But I think that there is a situation in which the OP doesn't like them living together even if he is sure that nothing will happen. In this case the problem might be on present, not in the future.

 

He's mentioned that she goes to the gym 4 times a week and they spend in addition a lot of time together. The OP cannot control her, but he has a legitimization to feel uncomfortable with a situation in which his Gf spends much more time with another man other than him, as it happens now! If Crhis moves in with her, she will spend much much more time with Chris, so it bothers the OP even more.

 

I think a guy is allowed to be uncomfortable if his Gf spend much more time one on one, with any man not to mention a man who's in love with her, even if it's and will be only platonic.

Edited January 7, 2016 by lolablue17

[thousandsuns]

Please respond to the points I outlined above regarding how you REALLY feel about her....

 

Okay, I would reply to your points but have I not only mostly stated her negatives and not much of her positives? I'm with her because I love her regardless of what I said above. This love feeling can't explain my reasoning as to why I should break up with her. Please note, she is the first love of my life and my longest relationship. It's more or less the fact that I'm still learning about what is good and not good in a relationship before jumping to conclusions. I have mixed feelings about her but I love her? It's hard to explain.

 

I wish to focus on that for a minute. Somehow People assume that the only question is "Will Chris sleep with her or not" as the only and final fact which should rule - "whether the OP should be comfortable with them living together or not".

 

But I think that there is a situation in which the OP doesn't like them living together even if he is sure that nothing will happen. In this case the problem might be on present, not in the future.

 

He's mentioned that she goes to the gym 4 times a week and they spend in addition a lot of time together. The OP cannot control her, but he has a legitimization to feel uncomfortable with a situation in which his Gf spends much more time with another man other than him, as it happens now! If Crhis moves in with her, she will spend much much more time with Chris, so it bothers the OP even more.

 

I think a guy is allowed to be uncomfortable if his Gf spend much more time one on one, with any man not to mention a man who's in love with her, even if it's and will be only platonic.

 

Thank you! you have gotten my point! But i'm not jealous of them spending 4 days at the gym together as you're right that I cannot control that. I can't control many things in her life not that I would to want to control them. However, if something makes me uncomfortable I have the right to express it to her and for her to accept it if it bothers me that much to the point where I feel hurt and broken. I don't complain about anything else and just this one and I am already demonized here by some people here.

[Imajerk17]

I see your point 100 percent thousandsuns. I think her moving in w her male best friend is a big problem indeed. But it's not the whole story. It is a huge problem if your significant other is that enmeshed w the life of someone else, as your girlfriend seems to be w her male friend. This whole dynamic sounds quite unhealthy.

 

I also think that whether this girl has/will physically cheat isn't the whole story. Things are *already* wrong in that she is already giving her friend so much energy, maybe even putting her friend before you. (Perhaps because her friend's sad sack status gives her someone to rescue and feel better about herself?) I wouldn't be surprised to see actual physical cheating commence soon though. At any rate this isn't fair to you. I think you should end it.

Edited January 7, 2016 by Imajerk17

[kgcolonel]

Okay, I would reply to your points but have I not only mostly stated her negatives and not much of her positives? I'm with her because I love her regardless of what I said above. This love feeling can't explain my reasoning as to why I should break up with her. Please note, she is the first love of my life and my longest relationship. It's more or less the fact that I'm still learning about what is good and not good in a relationship before jumping to conclusions. I have mixed feelings about her but I love her? It's hard to explain.

 

 

 

Thank you! you have gotten my point! But i'm not jealous of them spending 4 days at the gym together as you're right that I cannot control that. I can't control many things in her life not that I would to want to control them. However, if something makes me uncomfortable I have the right to express it to her and for her to accept it if it bothers me that much to the point where I feel hurt and broken. I don't complain about anything else and just this one and I am already demonized here by some people here.

 

 

I agree with this....many here keep spinning this to trust issue and even OP goes there sometimes. I just noticed that he says that this is his first R. That being considered, he sees a pattern of his GF making decisions (as said before) as a single person and even acting on those regardless of how it makes her BF feel without even a discussion. The fact that Chris was already living in the house before OP got back and they had a chance to discuss is not behavior of someone who values the relationship with her SO. IMO this will continue to repeat itself until OP is absolutely pushed over his ability to tolerate this behavior.

[Gaeta]

Thank you! you have gotten my point! But i'm not jealous of them spending 4 days at the gym together as you're right that I cannot control that. I can't control many things in her life not that I would to want to control them. However, if something makes me uncomfortable I have the right to express it to her and for her to accept it if it bothers me that much to the point where I feel hurt and broken. I don't complain about anything else and just this one and I am already demonized here by some people here.

 

That is if your complain is reasonable. To me you come across as insecure, jealous and possessive. To me your request was unreasonable. If I were your girlfriend I would not obey by it. It seems your girlfriend also thought your request was unreasonable.

 

To me if you are only dating and not living together you have nothing to say in her living arrangements. There was a need to find a 3rd tenant and it's much better for it to be a friend than someone from the streets.

 

If you were not happy with chris then you should have offered to cover the 30% missing rent money/utilities. At the end of the day your unreasonable request was costing her money she probably didn't have. I saw you mentioned they could have found someone else, ya sure but then it may take 1-2-3 months and these people may pay or not, or may not stay.

 

Finally I think you did not say anything to your GF because you know your request is unreasonable and born out of your own lack of trust, not out of her inappropriateness.

 

Are you really wanting to marry this woman? If yes I suggest you work on your trust and on her alcohol problem.

 

On more thing.

 

About Chris hitting on her back 5 years ago. So what?

 

She was not in a relationship with you (or anyone else) She was fair game and the poor dude tried. Maybe he felt she gave him signals and he misread her. She turned him down and it's the end of it, 5 YEARS AGO. Has he tried to hit on her since? NO because if he had you would have made sure to mention it here.

[d0nnivain]

thousandsuns

 

 

My most important piece of advice to you is STOP trying to have this discussion with your GF via text! The medium is making things worse. Actually talk to her face to face about this. This issue is important and deserves a face to face conversation. If you two won't do that, you deserve to break up because neither of you possess the communications skills needed to maintained a healthy, mature relationship.

 

 

[Climbs down off anti-text soap box]

 

 

Now, what I'm hearing is that you would be a OK with your GF having a guy roommate, just not this guy. Your GF knows how you feel about Chris but invited him to move in anyway, without discussing it with you. She figured you'd just give in once he was already there & she has couched this impasse as a matter of you loving her & trusting her enough to let her do something that makes your blood boil. Now that she knows you are not going to roll over & take her garbage, she has resorted to passive aggressive & is saying that you put her in a spot where she has to move from her home because it's not fair to make Chris leave since he's been there for 2 whole weeks.

 

 

I'm sorry but your GF, however nice & loving she may otherwise seem, is coming across as a manipulative . . . B-word. . . who wants what she wants regardless of your feelings.

 

 

Given all the things CarrieT pointed out, perhaps this is the hill to let this relationship die on.

[kgcolonel]

thousandsuns

 

 

My most important piece of advice to you is STOP trying to have this discussion with your GF via text! The medium is making things worse. Actually talk to her face to face about this. This issue is important and deserves a face to face conversation. If you two won't do that, you deserve to break up because neither of you possess the communications skills needed to maintained a healthy, mature relationship.

 

 

[Climbs down off anti-text soap box]

 

 

Now, what I'm hearing is that you would be a OK with your GF having a guy roommate, just not this guy. Your GF knows how you feel about Chris but invited him to move in anyway, without discussing it with you. She figured you'd just give in once he was already there & she has couched this impasse as a matter of you loving her & trusting her enough to let her do something that makes your blood boil. Now that she knows you are not going to roll over & take her garbage, she has resorted to passive aggressive & is saying that you put her in a spot where she has to move from her home because it's not fair to make Chris leave since he's been there for 2 whole weeks.

 

 

I'm sorry but your GF, however nice & loving she may otherwise seem, is coming across as a manipulative . . . B-word. . . who wants what she wants regardless of your feelings.

 

 

Given all the things CarrieT pointed out, perhaps this is the hill to let this relationship die on.

 

 

 

Exactly!!!

[Gaeta]

Your GF knows how you feel about Chris but invited him to move in anyway, without discussing it with you. She figured you'd just give in once he was already there & she has couched this impasse as a matter of you loving her & trusting her enough to let her do something that makes your blood boil.

 

Why is 2 people DATING for only 1 year have to ask permission to the other one to go ahead with their living arrangement?

 

And what is this 'let her" do something. Since when a person 'lets' another one do something?

[kendahke]

Men know other men are attracted to our GF's. The important thing is how our woman handles those guys. In the case of the OP's GF, she might have turned the guy down sexually, but she then made him her BFF, spends more time with him than she does her BF, prioritizes the guy over her relationship, and then sets things up to have this guy move in with her.

 

OP needed to bounce a long time ago if all of this is causing him this much stress and grief. He knew her friendship with Chris rubbed him the wrong way before she agreed to have Chris move in, but he's stayed with her. Why is that? Laziness? Doesn't want to be alone and being with her is better than being by himself?

 

It's like buying a bird and then being mad that the bird won't become a dog; but you knew you wanted a dog when you bought the bird.

 

A good woman knows how to handle things better than this.

 

and a secure man knows when to leave a bad situation.

[d0nnivain]

Why is 2 people DATING for only 1 year have to ask permission to the other one to go ahead with their living arrangement?

 

And what is this 'let her" do something. Since when a person 'lets' another one do something?

 

 

They have been dating for 1 year. That is fairly significant. She knew that moving Chris in would upset her BF. No she wasn't obligated to get his permission but c'mon Gaeta, if you are dating a man you don't go out of your way to do something that will piss him off just because he doesn't have the right to tell you how to live your life. Caring people discuss difficult & controversial subjects with each other. No, as only the BF he doesn't get the last word, but a smart woman would have talked to her BF & talked him into it rather than shoving it down his throat.

[lolablue17]

However, upon my visit to her just now I found out that Chris has been living with them for the last 2 weeks anyways.

 

How did I miss THAT?!

 

WOW! So basically she was lying to you all the time when you were'nt there. It is one thing to disregard your feelings, and telling Chris he can move in, and a different thing to lie to you and let you think that he "is going to move" while he is there for the last 2 weeks.

 

Do you know what is my patent to not being cheated on? To never stay with a liar. You can spot liars by very little lies they do in life. I don't need a big lie. For example. i didn't stay with someone who was lying to her friends about why can't she meet them. Instad of telling them that she doesn't feel like meeting today, she would have made some rediculous lies about why she is busy and not having time to meet them. I didn't stay because it says a lot about her.

 

Man, it's serious. She's lied to you. I'm not saying you should automatically break up with her, but you should let her to understand that lies is a huge boundary which you will not tolerate in the future.

[kendahke]

Many women are going to sit here and tell you that you are insecure, and jealous, and making a big deal out of nothing, but many men would feel the exact same way you do.

 

and the secure ones will tell OP to leave since, as he's said, he can do better than this.

 

This sounds more like a power struggle than anything else.

[kendahke]

Do you know what is my patent to not being cheated on? To never stay with a liar.

 

^^^^Lolablue wins the internet today.

[Gaeta]

It's called taking someone else's feelings into account before you make a serious decision.

 

And do you agree if his request means she needs to raise her rent by 30% he should cover it?

 

 

 

Recently, a female friend of mine asked me to train Brazilian Jiu Jitsu with her. There is no way my GF would let me wrestle around a couple days a week with a young attractive girl. No way.

 

The key word here is 'young attractive girl'. Chris is overweight, lazy, pretty much a dead-beat as per OP. Not the kind of man that gets a young woman's blood boiling.

 

On top of that OP said her libido went downhill since she's on the pills. If chris was a super hot body builder that sleeps around and keeps hitting on her I'd take OP's side. Not in this case here.

[thousandsuns]

This is a pointless argument now.

[Cherryz]

hOW OLD are you guys?

 

And 1 year is not that long. So i think you are inlove but not love her. Its

to soon to say that either way.

 

But anyways i think you should respect the one you with.

So she shouldnt move in with this guy if she at least care about you and respect you.

 

If she still move in with him, break up with her.

Protect your heart. Dont add one more episode of drama in your life

with this person.

Because soon there will be more issues because this guy is more close to her

if they live together.

 

Life is to short to waste it on people that dont respect you.

Start taking a distance of her already.

Dont wait till you officially break up.

 

And if she choose not to live with him, still ask yourself if you want to be

with someone that challenge you this way?ANd maybe much more times in the

future.

And have a serious talk about boundaries and respect if you stay with her.

 

But i think best thing is to break up. Because she seems to have more care for his buddy feelings,then for you.

[d0nnivain]

And do you agree if his request means she needs to raise her rent by 30% he should cover it?.

 

 

Of course not. But OPs GF should have talked to her BF before moving her male friend in. The rent increase, the safety factors, the not living with a stranger, the fact that she already turned him down over 5 years all go into her reasons for having Chris as a roommate. Had the OPs GF approached this more maturely instead of moving Chris in & lying to OP about it, this may have had a different outcome. At least at that point, if he still couldn't deal, he'd be the one reacting from an emotional place, not a logical one. Since he got no consideration because she knew he wouldn't go for it, she's more wrong.

[thousandsuns]

Gaeta your view is very superficial and stereotypical. Why do you need to be a hot body builder to get laid? And what makes you think you know what she is attracted to?

You are doing so well criticizing me that you're deflecting the argument about the fact that she hadn't respected me enough to discuss it with me prior. 1 year relationship doesn't mean you can't discuss these things. You are not in our shoes and you do not know the magnitude to which our relationship is serious. So the comment about 1 year dating and deciding living arrangements is somewhat irrelevant.

It isn't my fault the gf and her housemate couldn't find a person in time. They were being slack about it. She told me that personally that they didn't look hard enough. Regardless of the fact, she is living in a house where she pays significantly less rent than most people. I'm not going to judge her income but I never said don't get a house mate.

 

Cherryz - I'm 25 and she is 27. However, she is up to that point where she wants to settle down and we have both discussed it since the day we started talking. Sometimes relationships progress faster than anticipated and this is one of them. We just haven't moved in together yet because the opportunity hasn't raised yet. It is something that was to possibly happen this year. I have a sick mother I need to take care of who lives with me thus we are in this predicament but more over we are not just yet ready to move in because of all that is going on with our own lives at the moment.

[kgcolonel]

This is a pointless argument now.

 

Agreed as if there is no one else that could have rented the room.....lol. No point at this time as the GF is now living at home and nothing has been learned it appears by the OP as to his GF's lack of a sense of what it means to be in a relationship with a BF....or maybe she totally knows and it is simply not as important as the relationship with Chris. Actions speak louder than words....

 

Agreed, Lolablue wins today!!

[thousandsuns]

Of course not. But OPs GF should have talked to her BF before moving her male friend in. The rent increase, the safety factors, the not living with a stranger, the fact that she already turned him down over 5 years all go into her reasons for having Chris as a roommate. Had the OPs GF approached this more maturely instead of moving Chris in & lying to OP about it, this may have had a different outcome. At least at that point, if he still couldn't deal, he'd be the one reacting from an emotional place, not a logical one. Since he got no consideration because she knew he wouldn't go for it, she's more wrong.

 

Thanks for reiterating this point multiple times. It is something this poster fails to understand here. She ended up moving him in anyways but this is a temporary arrangement by the look of things. However, the point still stands here. She didn't once again tell me that this was going to happen. The only reason why they aren't going to be living together now is because the house has been sold. I doubt as to whether she would have chosen me over Chris. It is something I did not push onto ask today, maybe next time when I see her I will ask her to see what she would say.

[kgcolonel]

Gaeta your view is very superficial and stereotypical. Why do you need to be a hot body builder to get laid? And what makes you think you know what she is attracted to?

You are doing so well criticizing me that you're deflecting the argument about the fact that she hadn't respected me enough to discuss it with me prior. 1 year relationship doesn't mean you can't discuss these things. You are not in our shoes and you do not know the magnitude to which our relationship is serious. So the comment about 1 year dating and deciding living arrangements is somewhat irrelevant.

It isn't my fault the gf and her housemate couldn't find a person in time. They were being slack about it. She told me that personally that they didn't look hard enough. Regardless of the fact, she is living in a house where she pays significantly less rent than most people. I'm not going to judge her income but I never said don't get a house mate.

 

Cherryz - I'm 25 and she is 27. However, she is up to that point where she wants to settle down and we have both discussed it since the day we started talking. Sometimes relationships progress faster than anticipated and this is one of them. We just haven't moved in together yet because the opportunity hasn't raised yet. It is something that was to possibly happen this year. I have a sick mother I need to take care of who lives with me thus we are in this predicament but more over we are not just yet ready to move in because of all that is going on with our own lives at the moment.

 

 

Good for you OP.....you're right on target with your position and with the pause on moving forward now knowing what you know of the GF......

[thousandsuns]

How did I miss THAT?!

 

WOW! So basically she was lying to you all the time when you were'nt there. It is one thing to disregard your feelings, and telling Chris he can move in, and a different thing to lie to you and let you think that he "is going to move" while he is there for the last 2 weeks.

 

Do you know what is my patent to not being cheated on? To never stay with a liar. You can spot liars by very little lies they do in life. I don't need a big lie. For example. i didn't stay with someone who was lying to her friends about why can't she meet them. Instad of telling them that she doesn't feel like meeting today, she would have made some rediculous lies about why she is busy and not having time to meet them. I didn't stay because it says a lot about her.

 

Man, it's serious. She's lied to you. I'm not saying you should automatically break up with her, but you should let her to understand that lies is a huge boundary which you will not tolerate in the future.

 

I can't crucify her for this as much as I want to. She is a very emotional state at the moment with the having to move situation. If I to question her motives about lying and so forth, it will result in a break up. I will try to have a conversation again about this but when I do talk to her like I did tonight, all she does is nods and agrees. She says nothing in return. IT just makes me think about whether she is even listening or even cares about what I'm saying. She was apologetic tonight though and was happy to see me after a whole month. She missed me it was evident.