Going to therapy for myself, not my ex. Also, his friends are being immature.

[wildest-dreams]

So it's almost been 3 weeks since the breakup. As I said in a previous post, I would have irrational, repetitive thoughts about my ex and his interactions with his female friends, which I now know to be an anxiety disorder. However, he broke up with me just days after I got diagnosed; among other things, he felt it was too late and that I was just using my anxiety as an excuse.

 

I'm very thankful for the friends that have been taking care of me. I've been realizing a lot of things lately, and while I can't confidently say that I'm in a good state of mind now, I'm better. For one, I'm beginning to understand why people are saying that it's better to seek therapy without my ex around to give me support and validation. I wonder if he could've really helped anyway; he was too fed up with me already.

 

Even before I knew I had anxiety, we knew something was wrong with me. I really wanted to change, but I didn't know why I couldn't stop thinking irrational thoughts. But instead of working on it together, he saw it as something I had to deal with on my own. When he broke up with me, he said, "I gave you much more chances to improve than you deserve," which meant he saw every slip-up as a failed test. His thinking was pretty much, "Why can't you just improve quickly already?" There was even a time when I said I'd get a diagnosis, but since he was mad at me, he said, "Great, so you mean I have to wait longer for you to probably improve?"

 

His many female friends were another thing. Most, if not all, of those in his current circle were of the perspective that as long as no flirting or cheating was going on, anything they did was okay, never mind the fact that people have different comfort levels. I did not like their excessive, often lewd banter with my ex. But my ex said I was unreasonable for not liking their banter, and that I just had to deal with it, because they were being themselves and not looking out to offend me. I know they weren't, but he could've set boundaries with them and asked them to tone things down. But he enjoyed the banter too, and would even initiate such jokes. He said that asking him to tone his banter down was like not accepting him for who he was. Most of the girls also would not want to compromise on the banter, because they said toning things down was like not having a friendship at all, so a bunch of them tried to avoid him instead. I think he felt resentful and thought that as long as I was around, those girls would stay away.

 

And, well, really, he and his female friends are rather horrible right now. I was forced to go NC, but I'm still friends with some of our mutual friends. I've mostly been ignoring their posts, but I managed to see a few posts that were obviously making fun of me. They know I'm upset, but since they see me as a hysterical psycho, they think my hurt and sadness is funny. I just saw one of them post, "WOW, IT'S JUST THE START OF 2016 BUT SOME PEOPLE ALREADY HAVE SO MUCH SALT IN THEM!" (For those who don't know, saltiness is slang for feeling bitter.) In one particular social network where blocking people only means you can't friend them, I saw my ex reply sarcastically, "But maybe some people have a salt deficiency! You should think of people like her too; that's why she thrives on salt." Even if it's a coping mechanism, how can you find it in yourself to joke about a serious situation? I think it shows that my apprehension for his female friends is not unfounded, as they really are immature enablers. Mind you, these are women in their mid- to late 20s, and my ex is in his early 30s.

 

Honestly, I still love and miss my ex; he's my first love. But even though I wish we could get back together, I'm seeing more and more that he isn't right for me. My friends have reassured me that this is a character-building experience, and that even though my ego is bruised right now, I will bounce back from this. I'm in a lot of pain right now, but I think I'm starting to see that he's not my loss. I know I'll learn from this and grow.

[DrMario]

I am glad that you have sought therapy for yourself, when it comes to dealing with somebody with an anxiety disorder, it takes an awful lot of patience, understanding and generally somebody who can approach matters in a gentle and loving way, so when I read through this thread I understandably had steam coming out of my ears as your ex was insensitive and I would genuinely worry about him given that he is the 30+ years old and none the wiser for it, keep on down the road of healing and put this man behind you, he has no reason to feel butt hurt and in time, I hope he can show some remorse for his cruel words.

 

Normally I tell people to fight for the people they love as no contact isn't always the best form of reconciling, but in this case, do not look back, make yourself a castle and when he eventually comes knocking, let him drown in the water surrounding it, I apologise, this post just really upset me as my little sister suffers from anxiety and has pushed me away countless times because of it, it is a heart breaking condition at times and can run even the most beautiful wonderful people into the ground.

 

I am sure you are one of those beautiful kind people who it seems to take a hold of, so I hope you genuinely bare in mind your self worth doesn't lie with him, it lies within you and you alone, work on yourself, fall in love with yourself and when you meet that special somebody worthy of you, you will know and this guy will be history.

 

Take care of yourself and all the best.