Bec23 Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 6 weeks ago my husband confessed that he'd been having a 2 month affair with a young girl 13 years younger than him (he is 38 and she is 25). He told me because her boyfriend has found out and was threatening to tell me. He then said that he loves me but has feelings for this girl so can't continue in the marriage and left! He has since come up with some outrageous accusations about our marriage, we hadn't been happy for years, more like best friends than lovers etc etc (we have only been married 4 years, together for 13 and we have 2 very young children) anyway he is twisting our entire relationship to somehow excuse what he has done! Anyway I spent the next couple of weeks begging him to come back and try to reconcile with me but this just pushed him further away. I then got to a point where I have said enough, I'm out and he has changed since then, apologised to me, saying his affair is unjustifiable, has been noce etc but he is still seeing her! I have since then made the decision to leave and told him yesterday that me and the kids are moving away from him to another city. He is devastated about it but hasn't said anything else! I feel like he is letting his entire world go over a girl he barely knows! Anyway any words of advice on what I should do? Do you think this is "affair fog"? We have been very happy together for a long time, he is a great dad and I don't want to lose him ?? Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 He needs to do some reading on affairs. They all have much in common - a rewriting of marital history for justification, a questioning of being married to the right person, limerance... and when the WS's head clears and they see it for what it really is - disgust. At least that's what it was for me... Are you guys in MC?; Is he in IC? Chasing him or nice-ing him back into the marriage never works. He needs to do the work himself... How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair is a really good (and short) book to start with. I'm sorry you're here. I hope YOU are taking care of yourself! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Sorry you find yourself in this situation. I think you should continue doing what you are doing... and move away with the children. He obviously didn't consider them when he started up with the younger woman. He is still with her and that speaks volumes... BTW .... I doubt it was 2 months and you probably have been fed a lot more lies. How does her BF know that you are aware of the affair? Even if he should want to reconcile down the line.. you need to know what you are forgiving. This could have been going on for way longer than he's said. I'd reach out to her BF if you can to see how much he knows. You say he's a good father .... a good father that cheats on their mother and jeopardises their stability. Sounds like you're already doing it but read up on the 180..I'll post it seperately.. let him be with the 25 year old..... make temporary visitation for him to see the kids before you move. You might also discuss what visitation will look like when you move and divorce (if you decide to. Let him know that this is real .. You CAN live without him and should he want reconciliation...please make sure he does the heavy lifting and becomes a safe partner. Oh and if he wants to reconcile .... have him sign an infidelity clause in a post nuptial agreement. If he refuses.. then you know he isn't sincere.. because he would do otherwise. Begging must have made him feel like a prize. .. when reality hits that another man could in the future be spending more time with his kids... he'll shape up or ship put. Stay strong sweetie .... big hugs to you. You don't deserve this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 How did he meet this girl? Is it a work thing? If not, where is he going to hook-up with twenty somethings? He's got little kids. We've got little kids too. My H said so many classic midlife crisis things. The 'fog' as they call it, is crazy making!! I was kind of fortunate, my H said things like "You stopped sending me messages" "Stopped saying you loved me" etc. all things I could prove by looking at our computer history!! I wonder if the sleep deprivation, stress, radical life change etc. of having children messes with some peoples heads. It's so sad. Just as you're building a family & should be pulling together....ugh! I'd never been to a forum like this before. It was truly shocking to learn how very, very similar people are with infidelity. "Our marriage has been bad for years. You don't make me feel loved & special. You neglect me. I love you but I'm not in-love with you". Ugh!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 (edited) []This is the person you want BACK? Someone who has SO little regard for his own family that he leaves the minute he gets some exciting side action? I'd be at my lawyer's in the morning. This nonsensical 'fog' is what betrayed spouses want so badly to think is what's causing their loving, loyal spouse to do what they're doing. Truth is, he's showing you who he REALLY is.[] There's no 'fog' to blame. This is all his doing [] ... he is a great dad and I don't want to lose him ?? Please tell me you're joking. "Good" dads don't desert their children and families. Edited January 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge and redact inappropriate language 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Unless he makes a conscious choice to completely severe all contact with her and recommit himself to the marriage and commits himself to doing everything he can to repair the damage, there is no hope for reconciliation and there is nothing that you can do. Unless he chooses the marriage over the affair, there is nothing you can do except move on with your own life. I am sorry this has happened to you :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 I have since then made the decision to leave and told him yesterday that me and the kids are moving away from him to another city. He is devastated about it but hasn't said anything else! I feel like he is letting his entire world go over a girl he barely knows. There would be noting to stop him from ending the affair, going NC with his AP and moving to the same city you'd be at were he sincere and committed in his desire to reconcile. If a man really wants to save his marriage and family, a few miles won't stop him. What he's really saying right now is typical cake eater stuff, have it and eat it too. Don't fall for it... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 I read The Magical Reconciliation Pixie and some "fog"'links there. Recommended in some other thread here. It gives one pause about blaming the A on the fog or sex addiction or several hypotheses floated here often. The simplest explanation for "why" is because he wanted to do it. You don't owe him time to think about it. See an IC if you wish and you should see a lawyer to know your rights and responsibilities as well as his rights and responsibilities should divorce occur. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you will divorce. Rather it takes away some of the fear/uncertainty should divorce be started. No worthwhile lawyer will try to talk you into starting and orcs case. Many offer free consultations. Don't end up in self imposed limbo. Take some action. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts