I am Hurting.

[cant_function]

My wife, the love of my life told me that she no longer loves me. We have been married 26 years and together since we were teenagers another 6 years. This life is all i know. She is not a good communicator. If there is a problem or something going on in her head she never says anything. I have to be a mind reader. I would do absolutely anything for her if i only know what she wants. So I am a guy. Sometimes I need to be told I am doing something that she doesn't like. I can be absent minded at times but it is never intentional.

It went from one day all seemed ok, to the next day where she dont love me. What????? We are talking but there are no feelings coming from her. She is like ice.

It would be understandable if I knew i was doing bad things or the wrong thing but I am not. I dont drink, I am affectionate, I never laid a hand on her,She has everything she wants (house, cars, stuff), I make a very good living. We have 3 kids early 20's and youngest is 16.

This all just took place 3 days ago. I cant eat, work properly, every thought is about why it is that she dont love me. I dont think she is cheating but not 100% sure but pretty sure she is not. Now I have to leave my house and kids and stuff. It is everything I have in the world. And move to some crappy 1 bedroom apartment somewhere by myself.

I have never been with another women except her in all these years and never wanted to be.

This is killing me

How long am I going to feel this way?

Is there some way to ease the pain?

Sorry I sound like wuss but I dont even care, this is my whole life.

[BuddyX]

If you're not already, start working out. You'll feel a lot better.

 

Second; it's not your job to read her mind. Action speak louder than words. If she doesn't love you, start packing her stuff and tell her to get an apt ASAP.

Your kids are adults. They can handle this.

 

Talk to an Attorney NOW. Printout a possible template for Divorce Papers and show her. Let her know you mean business.

 

Why am I saying all this? 90% sure she's sleeping with someone else.

 

You do what I mentioned, I'm certain she'll want another stab at this marriage.

 

Good luck. Feel for ya.

[chew123]

cant_function,

 

Many of us on this forum know how you feel. We have been there. In my opinion she is probably cheating but it does not really matter unless you live in a state where cheating figures into the divorce settlement. unfortunately I did not.

 

Search for the 180 on this forum. It helped me to work on myself and stop thinking about my wife. Realize that it is not to get your wife back but is so you can get stronger and emerge into your new life in better shape both mentally and physically.

 

Did you ask her to go to counseling? I asked mine and she said no. She did not want the counselor to figure out she was having an affair.

 

My marriage and relationship with my wife were similar to yours except we have 1 child. She waited til my son was 17 to leave me for the other guy I knew nothing about. I really had no idea.

 

Did she ask you to move out because she needed space? Don't go, tell her to move out if she wants but you are not going anywhere.

 

Note my dday was 15 months ago and i was initially crippled like you are. Now I divorced, living alone and enjoying my life again. Whether you stay with your wife or not you will get through this. You just need time and effort on your part.

 

Keep posting here, I received invaluable advice from the posters on this site that might my journey easier.

 

Good luck and stay strong for your kids.

[WomenWubber]

Asking you to move out is a pretty good sign she's already preparing for divorce.

 

Check your bank accs, credit cards, etc. Get an attorney ASAP and absolutely don't listen to anything your wife says. Also, is your state fault or no fault?

[KBarletta]

My sympathies, OP, I feel your pain, because I (and many others here) have been there before.

 

Also, I agree with the other posters that if she wants to separate and you don't, she should be the one to move, especially given that the law in many cases takes into account if a partner "abandoned" their marriage by moving out. But either way, I definitely would let her be the one to move. And if she won't, then you can try to live separate lives within one house (that is hard, I could only take it for about two weeks).

 

I would second a good bit of the advice you have gotten so far:

 

- Find out as best you can if she is seeing someone else. My bet is yes.

 

- Talk to an attorney. Often, the first consultation is free or low-cost.

 

- Stay active, work on yourself and try your best to focus on becoming a better person, for you, not necessarily for her.

 

- Try to get her to go to counseling. So many people reach a point in their marriages and relationships where they think things are hopeless, but they're really just experiencing a crisis that can be overcome. I hope that is the case with you. Though I wouldn't promise miracles if you try MC, if you DON'T suggest it, I think you are almost certainly headed for a divorce in which one or both of you is going to get hurt.

 

- If she won't go to counseling, try going yourself. It will help. And keep posting here.

 

- At least one of your kids is still of a pretty young age. Focus on taking care of yourself, your kids and moving on without her as best you can. Worst case scenario, you come out of this a better person. Best case, she sees what she is missing and it works out for both of you. Either way, you win.

 

KTB

[cant_function]

Wow I wasnt expecting so many replies so fast. Thank You because it really helps to hear these opinions especially at this stage being it has all just taken place a few days ago.

Just to be clear she has not asked me to leave. I just assumed it to be the thing to do. I dont want to move out by any means. However I really dont want to upset the lives of my kids. My daughter is 24. She is mentally handicapped. My wife would have to get an apartment for both of them as there is no way I can take care of her. My son will adapt he is 20 years old. But my younger daughter 16 loves her mother very much and would want to be with her and i dont want her to think bad of me since she is way to young to understand the situation.

We are mot fighting she just blindsided me by telling me that she dont love me anymore. So I asked her what do we do now. Her answer was "i dont know, we will figure it out". I am 49 years old and she is a year younger.

I relize there are always two side to every story and here on this forum you can only hear my side. I have asked her what it is that I have done that made her feel the way she does but she just says I DON'T KNOW.

I know it will all work itself out one way or another but it is just so painful at this time. As it goes on I expect anger will take over painful.

[BuddyX]

Tell her, you still got plenty of life left in you. "I don't know" will not cut it. When you're dealing with people lives (kids) you want to understand the problem and find the bestpossible way to fix it.

 

This is your moment to shine. I can guarantee the following will ruffle her feathers, but sit down by yourself and write out what you want. She can A or B. (A) Follow your lead or (B) leave.

 

You have to be the General. Don't be passive. "Not sure", "I don't know" "I'm thinking about it" should never Be part of your vocab.

 

Be strong and be firm.

 

This reeks of an Affair.

[Mr. Lucky]

It would be understandable if I knew i was doing bad things or the wrong thing but I am not. I dont drink, I am affectionate, I never laid a hand on her,She has everything she wants (house, cars, stuff), I make a very good living.

 

I'm going to give your wife the benefit of the doubt - others obviously disagree - and assume she isn't cheating.

 

You understand that sober, non-abusive, affectionate and hard-working are expectations and givens, right? They are in most cases the baseline of a marriage.

 

If you're going to have a successful LTR, you'll need to set the bar higher. You'll need to engage, relate and interact emotionally on a level beyond basic sustenance, it just isn't enough. She simply sounds disconnected from you and the marriage, missing things that are important to her but don't occur to you in everyday life. Her poor communication skills make this an even greater challenge.

 

Have you discussed counseling together?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Do yourself a big favor. Go online and check your phone bill. Look for a lot of calls/texts to a specific number.

 

It only takes about 30 minutes or so. Do not confront if you find anything but that will get you started.

 

Things like this just don't happen.

 

Do not under any circumstances leve your home!

 

I'm sure she isn't cheating are famous last words. Heard that one many times and then WTH????????

Edited January 6, 2016 by Marc878

[turnera]

Don't move out. Don't make it easy for her to RUN AWAY. Tell her if she wants out of the marriage, she'll have to figure out how she's going to pay for a new place for her and the kids, because you aren't moving just because SHE feels done, without even trying to address the marriage.

 

That will give you time to figure things out.

 

To that end...get a voice-activated recorder and keep it in your pocket at all times. Women who are on a mission to kick out their husband will often claim domestic violence, call the police, and have you REMOVED from the house. If you have it all recorded, she'll have a hard time proving it.

 

Then take a good hard look at the phone records. Unless you have a history of abuse or neglect, she almost certainly has started having feelings for another man, if she isn't already in full-blown cheater mode. Check for a phone number she's been calling or texting a LOT. That you don't recognize. Check her emails. Look for deleted texts. You have to rule this out before you take any other steps.

[CherryVanilla]

Wow this is horrible and I feel sorry for you.

You seem to be a nice, genuine man.

 

If she can't be assertive and honest regarding her emotions do you really want to be married to her? I know, you have children and a life together but I doubt your marriage was 100% pleasant if she is this secretive.

 

Are you sure nothing happened between you two to trigger this?

Are you sure she's not cheating on you?

[cant_function]

So a few days have gone by, and things are the same. She swears she isn't cheating. I don't feel she is but not completely sure. She says she loves me but not in love with me. She is not taking divorce and not asking me to leave. We still sleeping in same bed. However she wants not part of me sexually. She don't even want to kiss me hello or goodby. I mean this was ok one day and the next day she won't even give me a peck on the cheek. This is very hard for me. I am a mess. I can't even think about life without her and my family.

I have let myself go a bit over the years. Got chubby. I don't know I am just trying to think of a reason for this. She never once mentioned this to me. When I asked her if this is the reason she did not respond. So obviously this has bothered her. But for Christ sake we are married for a long time, don't you think she should have come to me if this was bothering her and talk to me about it? She is slender just so you know.

I really don't know anymore. I ask her if there is any chance for us. She still gives me the I don't know story. I really wish I could just fix this. Wish I could just go back to the way it was just 1 week ago. Incredible. Never thought in a million years I would be in this position. It hurts baď.

[turnera]

So a few days have gone by, and things are the same. She swears she isn't cheating. I don't feel she is but not completely sure. She says she loves me but not in love with me. She is not taking divorce and not asking me to leave. We still sleeping in same bed. However she wants not part of me sexually. She don't even want to kiss me hello or goodby. I mean this was ok one day and the next day she won't even give me a peck on the cheek.

 

This is cheating. To the T. Every single word. Women typically can only love - and have sex with - one man at a time. Now that she's given herself to him, she can't touch you or let you touch her.

 

Check the phone records. Put a voice-activated recorder velcroed under the seat of her car. Put a keylogger on her computer. Hire a PI. DO SOMETHING to find out the truth!

[66Charger]

Move this thread to the infidelity forum. The assistance you will get there will help to find out if she is cheating or not. LS posters there have outed cheaters in days. Stay silent and listen. Nothing changes over night unless something happened.

[causality]

I am very sorry for your pain. It is tough when she won't even talk to you about what's wrong. How does she feel about going to counseling with you? Tell her she owes it to you after so many years of marriage to at least get to the bottom of things. You deserve to know.

 

One a side note, I'm a bit surprised everyone seems to KNOW she's cheating already just by this little information. I've told my husband very similar things, I moved out of our bedroom that night, I did not want him to touch me anymore and i never cheated, nor was another man on my mind. Just because she does not want physical affection, doesn't mean there is someone else ...

I also knew women who were having affairs, but still manged just fine to be affectionate and sleep with their partners ... so the logic here "she MUST have someone else" is a bit puzzling to me.

 

Obviously, it is possible ... who knows. But, to me it doesn't sound like it ... more like she's been bruiting over this for a while (years probably) and just finally made the step to say something. Try to get her to talk to you!

[MJJean]

Cheating is a possibility, but so is that she simply realized the extent of the dissatisfaction she feels and that is why she suddenly no longer wants physical affection.

 

It's all too common for married couples to focus most of their energy on child rearing to the point they neglect the marriage and even themselves. Once the children are grown or near grown, they are so much more independent that the parents suddenly realize they don't know what to do with themselves and that they have little or no connection to their partner beyond being functional co-parents and roommates. The transition from full time parent to having adult children can be difficult for some people, especially the parent responsible for most of the childcare.

 

Some couples are able to reconnect and become closer than ever, others are not. Some parents adjust to the empty or near empty nest better than others.

 

I think you two should seriously consider marriage counseling as a couple and individual counseling for her.

[testmeasure]

My situation initially had some of these elements. But there was no cheating.

 

 

My situation also deteriorated from this point and spiraled into a nightmare of a different kind from cheating.

 

 

What I worry about some of the advice you have been given is that if she detects that you are doing it, it could create a self-fulfilling prophesy. I would worry a lot about doing anything that would be perceived as confrontational.

 

 

If it does turn out only to be dissatisfaction, and she discovers that your response is to voice record her, that may compound your problem.

 

 

It seems everyone including yourself jumped to conclusions beyond what is known.

 

 

Does she have a friend that she may have talked with who might be better able to understand and explain what is going on? Even if she does, I'm not sure how you would gain access to the friend and at the same time avoid going behind her back (another possible self-fulfilling prophesy move). But you might have ideas if there is anyone you both jointly know.

 

 

I do agree with others that "I don't know" is an unsatisfactory answer.

 

 

You may be able to get more, you may not. Sometimes the world is unsatisfactory.

 

 

Instead of making assumptions and possibly doing something self defeating, doing nothing and letting it unfold is an option.

 

 

Or just stick to doing things that don't have a down side. Looking at a phone bill. Carefully checking with a joint friend.

 

 

What ever you do, consider the down side as opposed to just letting it unfold.

 

 

When my wife filed for divorce, I was very impatient and wanted to make things happen. One of the things I learned from divorce is sometimes in order to get the very best outcome, you have to be patient and watch and let things unfold and only then make the right move.

 

 

If the truth is just that she is dissatisfied and doesn't know why, that sounds like a perfect formula for a marital counselor. If you focus on taking that route, it directly addresses what little you do know. And, it's probably the exact right answer for a situation where she is dissatisfied and doesn't know why. So it doesn't make any assumptions that have risk of downside.

[Marc878]

If you want to know why? Check your phone. Takes 30 minutes

[Popsicle]

So a few days have gone by, and things are the same. She swears she isn't cheating. I don't feel she is but not completely sure. She says she loves me but not in love with me. She is not taking divorce and not asking me to leave. We still sleeping in same bed. However she wants not part of me sexually. She don't even want to kiss me hello or goodby. I mean this was ok one day and the next day she won't even give me a peck on the cheek. This is very hard for me. I am a mess. I can't even think about life without her and my family.

I have let myself go a bit over the years. Got chubby. I don't know I am just trying to think of a reason for this. She never once mentioned this to me. When I asked her if this is the reason she did not respond. So obviously this has bothered her. But for Christ sake we are married for a long time, don't you think she should have come to me if this was bothering her and talk to me about it? She is slender just so you know.

I really don't know anymore. I ask her if there is any chance for us. She still gives me the I don't know story. I really wish I could just fix this. Wish I could just go back to the way it was just 1 week ago. Incredible. Never thought in a million years I would be in this position. It hurts baď.

 

She wants you to figure out what to do to fix this on your own.

 

It's annoying (not to mention it defeats the purpose) having to tell someone how to be desirable to you.

 

This problem does exist outside of cheating. It's quite common actually.

[Lostmyworld]

Sorry sir ? . Your story sounds familier. My estranged wife has said some very similar things, very hurtful things. " I love you but im not in love with you" list goes on . She has basically refused to commit to working on our situation with me . I dont know this side of her. Unfortunately I moved out when i was asked to which I regret so much,& when Ive been over there to pick up my kids Ive noticed she has removed family pics and so on. I have quit trying and took advice to use180 , hardest thing to do. I Do not reply to texts from her unless its about kids and its one word replys ( which it makes her angry) . In person shes sometimes civil but mostly cold . I suspect she has am cause she shut off like a switch. I know exactly what your going thru , the hurt, & I hope it works out for you two but DO NOT !move out , she will just further detach from you. It is a very cruel situation to have to go thru . Good luck !

[ShatteredLady]

I'm surprised that no-one has suggested reading some books together & researching this. There are online questionnaires "Love Languages" is a big one. Basic idea being we see different things as expressions of love.

 

Your 'love language could be affection & time' but hers might be 'acts of service & gifts'. She's resenting you because you haven't fixed that dripping tap & you're trying to cuddle it better!

 

I don't know! It sounds like she's wanting it fixed. Not divorce.

 

When I was 21 I met this guy. He'd just split-up with his girlfriend. Very upset. A couple of weeks later he slept with her. Fast forward more than 6 months & our relationship is serious. The "I love you" is flying.

I find out he cheated & he come out with "I love you but I'm not in love with you!".

 

He begged not to split up. We stayed together. Many years later he's cheating (I don't know) he tells me that "He loves me but he's not in-love with me". We've been through our rough spots. He's only ever spoken those words when he's cheating!!

 

I know some people, not having cheated, must of uttered those words but it's rare!!

 

PLEASE don't go punishing yourself about your weight, fashion, hair, height, foot size etc. Women aren't really like that. REALLY!! It only matters when there's other stuff going on.

 

I HATE to mention this....feels so sexist... Has she had her hormones checked? I have to ask because I have friends who went for SPECIALIST hormonal checks. 'Normal' not hippy dippy women & they gushed so much about how having their hormones corrected changed their lives that other friends went!

 

Has she reached menopause? Sometimes women just don't feel at all sexual & start to reason it must be because "I'm not inlove anymore."

 

I'm so very sorry that this is happening to you. You sound like a good man.

[cant_function]

So I came back here to ask some questions but first I want to say a few things. Things have gotten slightly better but still far from good. I am still living there and we still sleep in the same bed. She stays as far to one side as possible. she still makes dinner for me and doing laundry and we are not fighting. But she still not feeling it for me. I ask here several times if there is any chance of her having feelings for me again and here answer is we will see or i dont know. I told her if there is no chance to please tell me the truth because this has to stop however if there is a chance for us then I will continue to do whatever it takes to make it work. She wont say there is no chance so I guess there is a glimmer of hope but to tell you the truth my tears get less and less each day and eventually I am going to have enough of this crap and then it will be over for sure. But I am not there yet.

Also someone mentioned menopause. Yes my wife started going through menopause at an early age of 43. she is now 48. We have been through and are still going through all the moods and crap that comes along with it. Not sure exactly how that plays into all of this.

She has been going to the gym for years. She is in good shape. 5'7" 135 lbs. a few months ago she went on a diet and working out harder and she has lost a lot of weight. probably 20 lbs. Personally I do not like that. I dont say anything to her about it though. I think she is going through a mid life crisis and she is taking it to the extreme and she is going to lose everything and because she is making this mistake I am also going to lose everything.

 

But thats not why I came on here today. I went to an attorney just for a consultation. I learned that there are several types of divorce. Have any of you heard of Collaborative Divorce? From the way it was explained to me that seems like it is the way to go. Does anyone have any experience with this?

[turnera]

She is in good shape. 5'7" 135 lbs. a few months ago she went on a diet and working out harder and she has lost a lot of weight. probably 20 lbs.

She's trying to attract her (potential or current) affair partner.

 

Have you checked the phone/text records to see who she's contacting?

[andie1969]

Do yourself a big favor. Go online and check your phone bill. Look for a lot of calls/texts to a specific number.

 

It only takes about 30 minutes or so. Do not confront if you find anything but that will get you started.

 

Things like this just don't happen.

 

Do not under any circumstances leve your home!

 

I'm sure she isn't cheating are famous last words. Heard that one many times and then WTH????????

 

This 100X! I went through the exact same thing about 15 months ago. He hit me out of the blue that he "wasn't happy" but swore up and down there was no one else. A few days later I logged onto our cell phone account and saw he had been texting and calling this one number out of state, hour long phone calls every day while I was at work (he worked from home). I did some sleuthing and knew who the number belonged to before I even confronted him. He moved out a month later and we filed for divorce after 13 years of marriage. He had "met" and "fallen in love with" a woman on Instagram who was also married and lived 5 hours away. She also got a divorce and they are now "living happily ever after" together, it was "fate". Yes, my Ex-H moved 5 hours away from his 12 year old daughter for a woman from Instagram...you can't make this crap up!

 

Anyway, I'm so sorry you're going through this, it hurts like nothing else! I lost 20 pounds that first month alone, I was a disaster! But you need to thing about YOU right now, believe nothing she says, nothing. Like the others have said, work out, yoga was wonderful for me during that time, also counseling if you can afford it. If she doesn't want to go with you, go alone. And yes, by all means protect yourself financially.

 

eta: my ex all of a sudden got a gym membership as well, just a month or so before dropping the bomb. Looking back there were all these signs that were leading up to his exit strategy. He also started posting all these quotes on FB about living life and having no regrets, blah blah, he was obviously trying to convince himself (and anyone who listened) that he WAS doing the right thing by abandoning his family. It was/is a textbook mid-life crisis, it all started a few months after he turned 40.

Edited January 14, 2016 by andie1969

[Marc878]

So I came back here to ask some questions but first I want to say a few things. Things have gotten slightly better but still far from good. I am still living there and we still sleep in the same bed. She stays as far to one side as possible. she still makes dinner for me and doing laundry and we are not fighting. But she still not feeling it for me. I ask here several times if there is any chance of her having feelings for me again and here answer is we will see or i dont know. I told her if there is no chance to please tell me the truth because this has to stop however if there is a chance for us then I will continue to do whatever it takes to make it work. She wont say there is no chance so I guess there is a glimmer of hope but to tell you the truth my tears get less and less each day and eventually I am going to have enough of this crap and then it will be over for sure. But I am not there yet.

Also someone mentioned menopause. Yes my wife started going through menopause at an early age of 43. she is now 48. We have been through and are still going through all the moods and crap that comes along with it. Not sure exactly how that plays into all of this.

She has been going to the gym for years. She is in good shape. 5'7" 135 lbs. a few months ago she went on a diet and working out harder and she has lost a lot of weight. probably 20 lbs. Personally I do not like that. I dont say anything to her about it though. I think she is going through a mid life crisis and she is taking it to the extreme and she is going to lose everything and because she is making this mistake I am also going to lose everything.

 

But thats not why I came on here today. I went to an attorney just for a consultation. I learned that there are several types of divorce. Have any of you heard of Collaborative Divorce? From the way it was explained to me that seems like it is the way to go. Does anyone have any experience with this?

 

If you want a chance it's up to you. Find out who the other man is do full exposure which will probably stop the affair. There is no chance as long as someone else is in the marriage.

 

I suspect that's what you're dealing with. You seem to be making excuses for her and what she's doing is no mistake. An affair is carried out willingly/knowingly.