I am Hurting.

[cant_function]

So I came back here to ask some questions but first I want to say a few things. Things have gotten slightly better but still far from good. I am still living there and we still sleep in the same bed. She stays as far to one side as possible. she still makes dinner for me and doing laundry and we are not fighting. But she still not feeling it for me. I ask here several times if there is any chance of her having feelings for me again and here answer is we will see or i dont know. I told her if there is no chance to please tell me the truth because this has to stop however if there is a chance for us then I will continue to do whatever it takes to make it work. She wont say there is no chance so I guess there is a glimmer of hope but to tell you the truth my tears get less and less each day and eventually I am going to have enough of this crap and then it will be over for sure. But I am not there yet.

Also someone mentioned menopause. Yes my wife started going through menopause at an early age of 43. she is now 48. We have been through and are still going through all the moods and crap that comes along with it. Not sure exactly how that plays into all of this.

She has been going to the gym for years. She is in good shape. 5'7" 135 lbs. a few months ago she went on a diet and working out harder and she has lost a lot of weight. probably 20 lbs. Personally I do not like that. I dont say anything to her about it though. I think she is going through a mid life crisis and she is taking it to the extreme and she is going to lose everything and because she is making this mistake I am also going to lose everything.

 

But thats not why I came on here today. I went to an attorney just for a consultation. I learned that there are several types of divorce. Have any of you heard of Collaborative Divorce? From the way it was explained to me that seems like it is the way to go. Does anyone have any experience with this?

[turnera]

She is in good shape. 5'7" 135 lbs. a few months ago she went on a diet and working out harder and she has lost a lot of weight. probably 20 lbs.

She's trying to attract her (potential or current) affair partner.

 

Have you checked the phone/text records to see who she's contacting?

[andie1969]

Do yourself a big favor. Go online and check your phone bill. Look for a lot of calls/texts to a specific number.

 

It only takes about 30 minutes or so. Do not confront if you find anything but that will get you started.

 

Things like this just don't happen.

 

Do not under any circumstances leve your home!

 

I'm sure she isn't cheating are famous last words. Heard that one many times and then WTH????????

 

This 100X! I went through the exact same thing about 15 months ago. He hit me out of the blue that he "wasn't happy" but swore up and down there was no one else. A few days later I logged onto our cell phone account and saw he had been texting and calling this one number out of state, hour long phone calls every day while I was at work (he worked from home). I did some sleuthing and knew who the number belonged to before I even confronted him. He moved out a month later and we filed for divorce after 13 years of marriage. He had "met" and "fallen in love with" a woman on Instagram who was also married and lived 5 hours away. She also got a divorce and they are now "living happily ever after" together, it was "fate". Yes, my Ex-H moved 5 hours away from his 12 year old daughter for a woman from Instagram...you can't make this crap up!

 

Anyway, I'm so sorry you're going through this, it hurts like nothing else! I lost 20 pounds that first month alone, I was a disaster! But you need to thing about YOU right now, believe nothing she says, nothing. Like the others have said, work out, yoga was wonderful for me during that time, also counseling if you can afford it. If she doesn't want to go with you, go alone. And yes, by all means protect yourself financially.

 

eta: my ex all of a sudden got a gym membership as well, just a month or so before dropping the bomb. Looking back there were all these signs that were leading up to his exit strategy. He also started posting all these quotes on FB about living life and having no regrets, blah blah, he was obviously trying to convince himself (and anyone who listened) that he WAS doing the right thing by abandoning his family. It was/is a textbook mid-life crisis, it all started a few months after he turned 40.

Edited January 14, 2016 by andie1969

[Marc878]

So I came back here to ask some questions but first I want to say a few things. Things have gotten slightly better but still far from good. I am still living there and we still sleep in the same bed. She stays as far to one side as possible. she still makes dinner for me and doing laundry and we are not fighting. But she still not feeling it for me. I ask here several times if there is any chance of her having feelings for me again and here answer is we will see or i dont know. I told her if there is no chance to please tell me the truth because this has to stop however if there is a chance for us then I will continue to do whatever it takes to make it work. She wont say there is no chance so I guess there is a glimmer of hope but to tell you the truth my tears get less and less each day and eventually I am going to have enough of this crap and then it will be over for sure. But I am not there yet.

Also someone mentioned menopause. Yes my wife started going through menopause at an early age of 43. she is now 48. We have been through and are still going through all the moods and crap that comes along with it. Not sure exactly how that plays into all of this.

She has been going to the gym for years. She is in good shape. 5'7" 135 lbs. a few months ago she went on a diet and working out harder and she has lost a lot of weight. probably 20 lbs. Personally I do not like that. I dont say anything to her about it though. I think she is going through a mid life crisis and she is taking it to the extreme and she is going to lose everything and because she is making this mistake I am also going to lose everything.

 

But thats not why I came on here today. I went to an attorney just for a consultation. I learned that there are several types of divorce. Have any of you heard of Collaborative Divorce? From the way it was explained to me that seems like it is the way to go. Does anyone have any experience with this?

 

If you want a chance it's up to you. Find out who the other man is do full exposure which will probably stop the affair. There is no chance as long as someone else is in the marriage.

 

I suspect that's what you're dealing with. You seem to be making excuses for her and what she's doing is no mistake. An affair is carried out willingly/knowingly.

[testmeasure]

If your attorney is referring to some actual technical type of divorce I haven't heard of it.

 

In general it is preferable to have an attorney but work things out amicably if possible. Maybe that's what he's referring to?

 

Some states may require you to go to mediation before going to court. This is so you don't clog up the court system if at all possible.

 

Most cases settle out of court.

 

My attorney told me it's preferable to settle out of court if you can. I guess the "if you can" part is the hedge because obviously it wouldn't be better if you settle under horrible terms.

 

I have heard reference to something where they used some technical term to refer to it and it actually was a different kind of divorce. The reason people were mentioning it, was because apparently it's a problem because if the divorce is settled in that manner, the settlement is technically a civil contract as opposed to a court order. The people talking about it felt the civil contract was much less enforceable and "final" than a court order. And in this paragraph I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, because it was a while back and it was people I read a some posts somewhere and it wasn't clear to me that they knew what they were talking about. If it's different, make sure you understand all the differences, and that you get that information from an attorney. Only use the internet to verify what your attorney is telling you or raise questions for you to ask him.

 

"tell you the truth my tears get less and less each day and eventually I am going to have enough of this crap and then it will be over for sure." I realized this and also realized it would be very hard to do. Fortunately I didn't have to do it.

 

My situation had 2 key differences with your situation. There was a much younger child and my wife was constantly hostile and angry at me. I wanted to save the family, so I stayed in a bad situation probably too long and I'm realizing it probably did some PTSD damage. The thing was, she was so aggressive and hostile, I knew any move I made to end it she would use as justification to retaliate 10 fold.

 

Her initial proposed parenting plan had some key features that I was able to leverage to my great advantage. As soon as I started to fight, her offers got extreme. So I may have been right.

 

So, in my situation where I was trying to save the family on the one and or fail as gracefully as possible and be offered the most generous parenting plan. Even so, I realized it was not a good situation and if she didn't eventually I'd have to make a move.

 

I have heard people who were in situations like yours say that it does take an emotional toll over time. There is a thread here just recently where someone was having a hard time because they thought it was wrong to end a relationship for this kind of reason because of the vows.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/566128-i-asked-divorce

 

That thread got some good discussion that I think is beginning to help the person there see that it's not wrong to let go past some point.

 

I'm not an attorney, this isn't legal advice. It's opinion or whatever. Regard it as something you read somewhere on the internet, which actually is what it is.

Edited January 23, 2016 by testmeasure