Why do women want to keep in touch with their ex-boyfriends?

[eyeam]

Hello Folks

This posting was more for all the women out there, but guys opinions is accepted also. So here's my question......

 

Why do women who are involved with their SO, would want to keep in touch with their ex knowing that they have someone special (Relationship is going great), but yet it could potentially be causing problems in their relationship?

[11012015]

Hello Folks

This posting was more for all the women out there, but guys opinions is accepted also. So here's my question......

 

Why do women who are involved with their SO, would want to keep in touch with their ex knowing that they have someone special (Relationship is going great), but yet it could potentially be causing problems in their relationship?

 

Why? Because they want to have their cake and eat it too.

[Silver_star]

I sure as hell don't.

 

 

Maybe it is just a friendship, but if they are communicating while you are in a relationship and it makes you uncomfortable they should stop out of respect for you. Or at least minimize communication. No text. No calls.

[Gaeta]

You need to be more specific.

 

I have an ex - turned friend. We've been friends for 4,5 years now. I don't view him as an ex, I view him as my friend. I don't hide him to my boyfriends, he doesn't hide me from his girlfriends.

 

So my question is why would I get rid of a friend of 4,5 years? for a man I met a month ago.

 

Why I stayed friends with this ex? Simple. Him and I didn't work as a couple. We dated, we grew attached but we were not 'in love'. There is no bitterness on either side. We were bad at relationships but we're pretty good at friendship.

[sportygirl89]

Sometimes if a girl isn't over an ex they do it or if they miss them. I tried staying in touch with my ex, however he was very vindicative so he lost any potential. I was really hurt by him. Took me close to 3 years to where I could say I am finally ready to date. I haven't Facebook stalked him the last few months or anything. The best I have felt in years!

[ASG]

You need to be more specific.

 

I have an ex - turned friend. We've been friends for 4,5 years now. I don't view him as an ex, I view him as my friend. I don't hide him to my boyfriends, he doesn't hide me from his girlfriends.

 

So my question is why would I get rid of a friend of 4,5 years? for a man I met a month ago.

 

Why I stayed friends with this ex? Simple. Him and I didn't work as a couple. We dated, we grew attached but we were not 'in love'. There is no bitterness on either side. We were bad at relationships but we're pretty good at friendship.

 

 

This

 

Sometimes an ex is just someone who wasn't right for a relationship but there are no ill feelings and the friendship can continue.

 

I would never stop talking to a friend (ex or not) to placate the jealousy of a bf. BFs come and go, friends stay and all that...

 

I'm not close with any of my exes, but I'm friendly with all, and have them all of FB and sometimes we interact and even meet for coffe or drinks, just like I do with countless other friends that are stricly platonic.

I wouldn't change that for anyone.

[kendahke]

because they are not emotionally done with them. There is still a dividend being paid out on that investment, even if they're with someone new.

[smackie9]

He was a 2 month rebound when I was 16. Me and my friends and him and his friends ended up hanging out off and on over the years. His house was like a party frat house and we would go there all the time after the bar closed. Now everyone is married and crap, so it's a hi there on social media once in a blue moon. saw the whole group after 15 years, this past September....it was great seeing everyone again. 36 years and counting.

 

All the rest I had no interest....just wanted the f out of there lol.

[Omei]

For the same reasons a man could possibly want to keep in touch, loneliness, familiar, desperation, attention seeking. Feelings of love or hate, unwilling to let go.

 

For whatever the reason both woman and men these are just some.

[pteromom]

As others have said, sometimes a man who didn't make a good romantic partner still makes a good friend.

[kendahke]

(funny how one can get locked out of updating a comment moments after they posted it. Wanted to add the following:)

 

Having said that, there needs to be context because not all ex's are fire breathing spawns of satan nor are they someone the one you're with wants to get back with on a romantic level. It is possible for adults to be friends with someone with whom a romantic relationship didn't work.

[BMI03]

You need to be more specific.

 

I have an ex - turned friend. We've been friends for 4,5 years now. I don't view him as an ex, I view him as my friend. I don't hide him to my boyfriends, he doesn't hide me from his girlfriends.

 

So my question is why would I get rid of a friend of 4,5 years? for a man I met a month ago.

 

Why I stayed friends with this ex? Simple. Him and I didn't work as a couple. We dated, we grew attached but we were not 'in love'. There is no bitterness on either side. We were bad at relationships but we're pretty good at friendship.

 

I agree. A relationship with an ex can be just as much a healthy thing as it can be a troubling thing. It's all in the details.

 

If two people formerly in a relationship can interact in a manner where both of their significant others could be part of the dialogue, or at least where anything said between them can be said in front of the significant others were they there, then that's ok in my book. And shows maturity in the relationship.

 

When aspects of the interaction are such that they need to be hidden from significant others, that's a different story. When you are in love, you want to have a concept of a unified 'we' with that person. If my girlfriend has an ex as a friend, I would want to be brought into the fold to make the friendship open to me too (introduce me, let me talk with them, maybe put the phone on speaker a couple of times at first to make me feel included...built my confidence in it truly being a friendship). Of course the ex is my girlfriend's friend, not my friend, but because my girlfriend and I are a 'we', its a way to include me.

 

If she loves me, she would want her friend (ex) to be a friend to our relationship too. If he is not, then remaining friends with him is disrespectful to what we have. She would be creating other little 'we's with other people/exs that exclude me and disrespect our relationship. There is nothing worse than seeing your significant other laugh about an inside joke with another guy and say "nothing, never mind" when you ask about it. It groups her with him as a 'we' and makes you the outsider. The 'we' becomes them, and you are just you on your own. If that's the feeling it creates, then it is not a healthy relationship to have with the ex.

[LydiaLong]

I think it's disrespectful to be 'friends' with someone you've slept with when you have a new relationship.

[Buddhist]

No idea. I'm a woman and when I walk away I delete all trace of that person from my life. I don't get the wanting to hang onto exes business. I think it's a sign of someone who never fully commits to their current relationships and constantly wants a backdoor.

 

If someone is my EX its because they have personality traits I find unacceptable in someone who's going to share my life. I sure as hell do not want to be friends with these people. Thats why I cut them out of my life in the first place.

[Bobbi7]

Booty call of course!!!!! In my opinion, there should be no reason to keep in touch with an ex. Who the heck wants to be friends with an ex? What, they can't find other people they can be friends with??? It's just silly.

[Gaeta]

I am reminded of a day when my ex-husband dropped my daughter back home. My new boyfriend at the time was laying under my car in the driveway.

 

A few minutes after my ex-husband left I looked outside and I saw my ex giving a hand to my new boyfriend. They were both working on my car engine.

 

I thought to myself: somewhere, somehow, I did something right, for both these men to walk on their pride to help me - together.

[carhill]

Hello Folks

This posting was more for all the women out there, but guys opinions is accepted also. So here's my question......

 

Why do women who are involved with their SO, would want to keep in touch with their ex knowing that they have someone special (Relationship is going great), but yet it could potentially be causing problems in their relationship?

 

Their desire to retain contact supersedes their respect for and compliance with their current partner's presumed stated boundaries. Their reasons and thought processes are unique to them and unknown to all but them.

 

I had one experience with this, a positive experience, and it concerned a special little beagle which could not be split in half in the divorce so my exW kept in touch with her exH occasionally regarding their dog since it was decided that he would keep it. I met the dog, and the ex-husband. No issues. After the dog, sadly, passed away, that contact concluded.

[11012015]

How did I use them?

 

I never asked any of them to look at my car problem. They both volunteered on their own.

 

How old are you?

 

'Keeping exes around' is a not-so-distant cousin of 'friendzoned-orbiter.' In both cases, the girl knows she is more likely to get something out of them than a 'regular/real/normal friend' -- either due to sexual innuendo or past-closeness. If anyone sees me helping a guy who is actively banging my wife (ex-wife or whatever) please shoot me. Shoot me right there. I give you permission. What a man. Wow.

[11012015]

Their desire to retain contact supersedes their respect for and compliance with their current partner's presumed stated boundaries.

 

Exactly! Simple as that.

[Gaeta]

'Keeping exes around' is a not-so-distant cousin of 'friendzoned-orbiter.' In both cases, the girl knows she is more likely to get something out of them than a 'regular/real/normal friend' -- either due to sexual innuendo or past-closeness. If anyone sees me helping a guy who is actively banging my wife (ex-wife or whatever) please shoot me. Shoot me right there. I give you permission. What a man. Wow.

 

It's sad that many of you never met people that were deserving of your respect even in a break up.

 

I am not only friend with an ex. I am also known for being friends with my ex's new girlfriends.

 

When my ex-husband remarried his new wife became my friend and their baby daughter called me auntie. I am also best friend with the wife of another ex. I don't care much about his friendship but his new wife is a blast.

Edited January 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[11012015]

'Keeping exes around' is a not-so-distant cousin of 'friendzoned-orbiter.' In both cases, the girl knows she is more likely to get something out of them than a 'regular/real/normal friend' -- either due to sexual innuendo or past-closeness. If anyone sees me helping a guy who is actively banging my wife (ex-wife or whatever) please shoot me. Shoot me right there. I give you permission. What a man. Wow.

 

Actually I am announcing a new term:

 

ex who is orbiting for a chance: notfriendzoned-orbiter

rejected beta male who is orbiting for a chance: friendzoned-orbiter

[PrettyEmily77]

Not in touch with any of my exes, except for my first ever BF. We shared amazing memories and a traumatic time that will bind us forever as people but broke us up irretrievably as a couple. No lingering feelings or cake eating, just a distant but meaningful friendship, the occasional message, maybe a catch-up meal, all with my BF's full consent.

 

I'll just point out in the interest of fairness that surely, for every woman who keeps in touch with her ex(es), there's a man who does the same thing...

[BMI03]

Not in touch with any of my exes, except for my first ever BF. We shared amazing memories and a traumatic time that will bind us forever as people but broke us up irretrievably as a couple. No lingering feelings or cake eating, just a distant but meaningful friendship, the occasional message, maybe a catch-up meal, all with my BF's full consent.

 

I'll just point out in the interest of fairness that surely, for every woman who keeps in touch with her ex(es), there's a man who does the same thing...

 

I think it's wonderful that your BF is comfortable with it. Have you ever brought your BF along to one of the catch-up meals to meet him? I hope that you do a good job of sharing with him how these meals go, what his news is, etc. A good BF will want to be supportive and trusting, and I am sure he doesn't at all worry about anything happening between you. But as the BF, it's always nice to feel included in that outside 'we' that you create with someone else who you have had intimacy with so that he doesn't feel like an outsider. Its often not something we would bring up because it makes us feel controlling or petty, but its often a very real feeling we feel when we love.

[PrettyEmily77]

I think it's wonderful that your BF is comfortable with it. Have you ever brought your BF along to one of the catch-up meals to meet him? I hope that you do a good job of sharing with him how these meals go, what his news is, etc. A good BF will want to be supportive and trusting, and I am sure he doesn't at all worry about anything happening between you. But as the BF, it's always nice to feel included in that outside 'we' that you create with someone else who you have had intimacy with so that he doesn't feel like an outsider. Its often not something we would bring up because it makes us feel controlling or petty, but its often a very real feeling we feel when we love.

 

I'll fully acknowlegde that my BF is an amazing guy. He trusts me fully and I won't do anything to take advantage of that. My first BF and I go back over 20 years. We don't see each other often but our families are still close. I disclose anything that goes on to my BF as my ex and I aren't really friends enough to share personal info. 'm nearing 40 and my BF is in his 40s, we've been together 9 months and we both lead full lives before we met so we're both completely comfortable with the idea that we have a past that doesn't include the other.

[preraph]

As someone who maintained contact with a couple of more serious exes as well as more frivolous ones, let me try to answer your question.

 

Number one, they shouldn't do it in a way that truly jeopardizes their present relationship. They should include the SO in whatever socializing there might be and bring the SO up in conversations or emails to make it crystal clear to the ex that they are happily involved -- and these days, also so there's no questionable texts for the SO to find.

 

Second point is people break up for a reason. It is not always one wants to stay together and the other one dumps them. Sometimes it is I adore you, you are a great person, but I could never live with you -- or don't want to marry -- or don't want to have babies -- or hate your cats, or your mother, whatever. So two people staying in touch does not have to mean one is trying to get back together. Now, sometimes it DOES mean that. If you don't know your SO well enough to know the backstory and how she really feels and how he feels, then you don't know your SO very well. They're broken up for a reason. The reason doesn't have to be hate and never want to speak to each other again. Mature people can sometimes be friends.

 

I'm at least acquaintances with some of mine because we had so much in common and connect on so many levels. I loved them for a reason. I still love them but can't live with them and I don't have sex with them once the breakup has happened. It would only be confusing. And they're not trying to because they know it can lead to no good end since I require full-on enlistment from who I'm dating, not sloppy seconds.

 

My dates were pretty understanding because I guess of the crowd we're in. We were music people and that was our glue. That wasn't going away. The only comment I ever got was a tenuous situation at best. The "ex" was someone with some problems so we couldn't be together, but remained friends who I truly love as a person. The new guy was someone I'd known for 3 years as a friendly acquaintance who had a band who then hired the ex-bf to play guitar for him. We all knew each other. What the ex didn't know is me and the new guy were seeing each other. Because this guy, who I had no idea was married all those years even though I also knew his brother well (he never once trotted his poor wife out in public I guess) was just leaving his wife. I didn't like the situation because I was involved to some degree before I even knew about it. He probably assumed I knew he was married, but I never knew and most other people didn't know either except a bandmate or two. Anyway, so we kept it quiet for obvious reasons.

 

So I went out of town for a holiday and left the ex-bf my apartment and car. He was always floating around from woman to woman as musicians do. And his car had crapped out. When I got back, yes, the new date (the married one in process of divorce mind you) did have something to say about why was his guitarist driving my car. Obviously, he knew he didn't have a leg to stand on and dropped it right away. Everyone knew I was good friends with the guitarist. He just took a shot, I guess, and then fled before I could ask about his wife and why I didn't know about that for 3 years!

 

Life is complex. I still consider myself friends or at least friendly acquaintances with all those people 30 years later. We all see each other from time to time and it's all fine.

 

I hope you find some way to get to know her well enough to relax -- or leave if she can't be trusted. Good luck.

Edited January 6, 2016 by preraph