Why do women want to keep in touch with their ex-boyfriends?

[William]

As a program note, members who start threads, or respond to postings, on LoveShack.org are not required nor compelled to provide any more personally identifiable information than they feel comfortable providing. Hence, questions unanswered are just that, unanswered. This isn't an interrogation. It's a discussion forum and we work diligently to protect member anonymity.

 

So, with that out of the way, and accepting that no one has to read or post anything here and it's completely voluntary, let's get back to why women want to keep in touch with their ex-boyfriends. Thanks!

 

===Upon further review, I removed a few postings which were counterproductive to the thread and edited a couple as well for content. No other sanctions. I hope it stays that way!

Edited January 6, 2016 by William

[basil67]

Context is everything.

 

I'm 48 and am FB friends with a guy I dated when I was a schoolgirl. I'm also FB friends with his wife. We'd been out of contact for decades but became friends when social media happened.

 

My husband is FB friends with a girl he dated for a couple of years in the 1980's. I'm friends with her too - actually, she and I have done craft fairs together.

 

Neither of us are threatened by this.

 

Edited to add: I realised that I didn't answer the question as to why I keep in contact. It's because I'm interested in seeing what he's doing these days.

Edited January 6, 2016 by basil67

[lana-banana]

I'm pretty surprised by some of the black-and-white thinking in this thread. Haven't you ever broken up with someone because you realized you weren't as attracted as you were initially, you had lifestyle or personal incompatibilities, you realized you were more friendly than in love, or you met someone else you liked more...? I don't have ill will towards all or even most of my exes. They're good people. If I didn't like them, I wouldn't have dated them in the first place.

 

Like Gaeta, some of my ex-boyfriends have just become my friends, period. I don't even think of them as ex-boyfriends; they're friends first in my mind. But if my current boyfriend ever expressed discomfort with my reaching out to them I would stop.

[dichotomy]

I think the biggest issue (it was for me) is when they are not honest or hide old lovers or partners they are keeping in contact with -especially once sex or feelings get involved with your new GF/BF. Everyone has different boundaries - and expectations with in a new relationship.

 

Some old lovers/BFs might be outside boundaries and some not, but you wont know unless your upfront with your new one.

Edited January 6, 2016 by dichotomy

[Wewon]

One of the toxic beliefs that I was most happy to be rid of was the insecurity that if I wasn't hanging out with my ex's like Jerry and Elaine that I must be some insecure, vindictive, baby that can't handle being friends with women. I think that a lot of young guys get beat over the head with this foolishness and in some attempt to look mature they end up maintaining a friendship with a woman that he really doesn't want and causes him to take longer to get over.

 

The dating process reveals a lot and sometimes it may reveal selfishness, a mean streak, blatant insensitivity or any host of things that you don't want to be around any longer. That being said, I'm also good friends with an ex from college.

 

Now, why do I think that women what to keep in touch with ex boyfriends? My guess it could be a range of reasons from thinking he's a good person to talk to or they have common interest all the way to the more selfish of cultivating a fan club or keeping a back door. Without actually seeing the actions in the relationship its hard to say.

 

From what I've seen, the biggest problem isn't the friendship itself, its when the boundaries are unclear or are being abused and the friend is causing a rift in current relationships.

[BMI03]

I'll fully acknowlegde that my BF is an amazing guy. He trusts me fully and I won't do anything to take advantage of that. My first BF and I go back over 20 years. We don't see each other often but our families are still close. I disclose anything that goes on to my BF as my ex and I aren't really friends enough to share personal info. 'm nearing 40 and my BF is in his 40s, we've been together 9 months and we both lead full lives before we met so we're both completely comfortable with the idea that we have a past that doesn't include the other.

 

Well done!

[eyeam]

Well... here's the thing. I'm on the recieving end of this (or was) with my ex. She had contacted me and told me she "doesn't nessicarilly want to be friends, but is hoping we could stay in touch... and reach out and from "time to time" to see how each other are doing? I've had emails saying how "madly in love with me she was".. how she had to go to conselling after we spit "because she couldn't pull herself together" and in the next paragraph she's intentionally cold, and .. well.. quite weird? Thing is, she knew I was hung up on her at the time, I told her so.. and she told me she has a BF now and is "happy" She even agreed to meet with me (before I knew about the bf) so i withdrew the offer. In my eyes it wouldn't be cool given the circumstances and disrespectful to her SO.

 

But she continues to mail me.. and the pattern is the always the same.. first email she is upbeat and friendly.. asks lots of questions. Then I'd reply in the same manner and either she goes cold and ignores it completely? or replies, and the emails are very business like in nature ..really cold and to the point? so why bother? I don't care if she contacts me or not anymore. It's hot and cold, hot and cold.

 

Example: She emailed me a month ago.. and seemed to really open up.. seemed like she was trying to rekindle things? really - I was thinking ... she must be single again? she's dumped that guy.. she was saying things like "what you said to me was really nice, but i hope it's genuine and you're not trying to mess me around?" (wtf) and "lets keep things positive and light" and "hhhhmm I'm confused now.. i wasn't expecting you to say that" Then, she was asking about my mum, job, music stuff.. even the my dog? and using silly pet names we used to use for them. Then complained about her health issues, complained about her parents...moan moan moan. Then at the end says "you seem happy.. I'am happy too" (although she didn't at all sound it?)

 

I replied in a positive way and asked about her parents.. job.. blah blah, and she totally ignored my response. How nice. A month later - on Christmas day (of all days) - at 9:30pm I receive a reply to my previous email simply saying "merry christmas from me and my family" in a cold business like way again? - Although it was meant in a somewhat pleasant way - because of the content (i think?) it offended me because she'd blanked my previous email? it's like she's doing it - just to keep it touch.

 

The thing is, there is nothing particularly "friendly" about her mails... so why for the love of god does she bother to contact me? I suspect her BF (if they're even still together?) doesn't know about the contact, because some of it has been very emotional? it's not guilt .. and she seems interested then .. not? It really does seem like she's doing it - just for the sake of staying in touch? foot in the door - If she's as happy with the new guy as she says she is... why bother? I can sense she's unhappy. I would never dream of contacting my ex when i've been in a relationship, it just wouldn't seem right. So, i've decided to go back to NC for my own sanity.

 

I'am friends with 1 of my exes from 20 years ago (my first love) when we were teenagers, but she's married and if we contact too much or bump into each other locally a little to often (we have mutual friends) or whatever (and she's had a glass of wine or two) she gets teary and tells me she loves me.. and she wished she'd married me and i was the father of her children etc etc. So we are in contact very little, for those reasons... it gets complicated.

 

Being friends with an old fling or someone you were casually dating .. yes!!.. but someone you loved dearly. Nope, sorry.

[BMI03]

...Sometimes it is I adore you, you are a great person, but I could never live with you -- or don't want to marry -- or don't want to have babies -- or hate your cats, or your mother, whatever. So two people staying in touch does not have to mean one is trying to get back together...

 

I believe that these are the situations in which being 'friends' with the ex can happen, but only after some no-contact time for both/one party to heal. When the reason for the break up is nothing to do with not loving one another, but due to other reasons like you mention, then keeping the continuity of a close connection and calling it 'friends' is mislabelling it. IMO it's really deciding to stay close because you can't yet move on, or are not out of love. Not that their is anything wrong with that if that's someone's decision. But this is a terrible emotional place to be in to bring a new partner into your life. It's not fair to the new partner because it doesn't give you the opportunity to move on and then give your full investment to him/her.

[ASG]

To add to what I've posted before, I am single at the moment but have many male friends. Most of them are in relationships and I am a friend of their relationship. As in I'm firstly friends with the guy, but have met their SO and everything is very above board.

 

This has happened with exes as well. I end up meeting their girlfriends/wives and we all get along!

 

Another example I'll provide is my parents. They split up when I was 6. Obviously they had to co-parent, so they remained friendly.

My mom started to date my step dad not too long after they split up (maybe a year??). I'm sure it was awkward for them for a while, but after a few years, it all came out in the wash.

Mom and step dad have been married almost 20 years (together about 25 or so) and my dad an step dad are friends. My dad is invited to many dinner parties at my mom's house, including Christmas and Easter, even if neither me or my brother are present. He is a friend of the whole family and no one feels threatened by it.

My dad never remarried and is not a well person. My mom is usually his first phone call when he is ill. My step dad is fully ok with this and even helps out, being a doctor.

 

It doesn't alwayd have to be a big deal and be a threat to a relationship.

[sandylee1]

1) They could just want to remain friends

2) She might not be over him

3) She might wish to show him she's got a better guy

 

I don't have exes as friends ... but I'm married now. I did have exes that I stayed in touch with while dating..but because I knew they still had feelings for me.. I had to go total NC.

[eyeam]

Thanks for your opinions. It's interesting who split down the middle people are on this.

[eyeam]

Any ladies here have any theories on what was going on in my exes head? ..*see above post*

 

I don't get it? curious what you think?

 

side note: we split because of her petty insecurities (which she admitted to having) in the end. Her reasoning was "I knew you were going to dump me.. so i did it first.. you forced me to do it" Not true. When i told her it wasn't true she hit the roof.. telling me I was being dishonest?

 

There was nothing i could do to convince her otherwise

Edited January 7, 2016 by eyeam

[Blanco]

In general, I don't think all of the involved parties, be it the two principle players or their current partners, have the maturity to let a genuine friendship exist. It can happen, though.

 

I'm legitimate friends with an ex who broke my heart about seven years ago. We weren't together long (less than a year), but it tore me to shreds, as I've never gelled with a woman so beautifully before. I haven't found that compatibility with anyone sense. In many ways, she remains the standard for future partners to match or exceed.

 

Now, you read that and you think, "How can you be friends with her?" The answer is: I don't really know. But I know that any romantic or sexual feelings I once had for her are gone. She's still as lovely and attractive as ever, but I feel nothing but admiration and platonic friendship for this girl. The feeling is mutual.

 

I saw her over the holidays; she now lives out of state, so our meetings are sparse. It was wonderful to spend time together, shoot the breeze, talk about heavy things, talk about insignificant things. Not once did I feel any urge for anything more. There was a time when I would've engaged in these things and felt some desire to reach out and hold her or kiss her. Those feelings simply don't exist within me anymore. Again, I know the feeling is mutual.

 

And I suppose that's why we're able to maintain a legitimate friendship now; not just be friendly, but be actual friends. We're able to joke around still, but we're also there for each other in tough times, be it with relationship issues, family matters, work stress, whatever.

 

I understand it's not common for things to play out like this. Usually, there's something lingering that prevents true friendship from developing, be it physical attractive, bitterness, etc. I'm not friends with my first serious girlfriend. My most recent ex has been with someone for nearly a year and she doesn't get why I don't want to be friends. For me, it's a combination of not being healed from the breakup a couple months before she started seeing him, still holding a bit of anger toward how she behaved during the relationship, and yes, even some consideration to her current partner and the boundaries of their relationship. Most guys aren't comfortable with their girl talking to an ex, because it is, in fact, so uncommon for platonic, no-strings friendship to exist between former lovers.

 

All that said, my one ex is one of my closest friends and I would hope that any future girlfriend of mine would be understanding that there is nothing fishy about our current friendship, and as such, I wouldn't feel comfortable cutting off that friendship for the sake of the relationship.

[Blanco]

Also, it's important to understand that friendly is not the same as being friends. I'm friendly with a lot of people who I don't consider friends. In a lot of cases, I think exes who want to "be friends" are really just wanting to be on friendly terms, whether it's to assuage guilt or to know they have a lifeline out there.

 

Unless something terrible happened, I think most former couples can get to "friendly" grounds with enough time. Being actual friends, as I outlined in my last post, is a lot less common.

[trippi1432]

Hello Folks

This posting was more for all the women out there, but guys opinions is accepted also. So here's my question......

 

Why do women who are involved with their SO, would want to keep in touch with their ex knowing that they have someone special (Relationship is going great), but yet it could potentially be causing problems in their relationship?

 

I only have one ex that I am still friends with; however it's only as band mates in two of the bands we are in. He is in a new relationship now and I think it's great, even friends with his GF on FB. But....having said that, we are only platonic friends and nothing more.

 

We don't discuss anything other than music and any men I was involved with or dated in the past 3 years knows he is an ex and are not threatened by that. He really is a nice guy and people like him.

 

On another note, it's not just a male or female slant of illogical thinking, I think it's more of a dumpee/dumper thing. The dumper offers the olive branch of friendship and the dumpee snaps up any breadcrumb they can get. Until both parties can get to platonic, being friends would be very hard.

 

Having said that, I cleaned house on New Year's Eve on my phone, messages, FB, email...etc of all ex's from 2013 - 2015. I'm not friends with either of my ex-Husband's from the years prior to that either, although my first ex has tried on occasion to get me to be his friend. You just can't live in the present if you are always living in the past.

 

I guess the question would be is your SO the dumper or the dumpee?

[preraph]

I believe that these are the situations in which being 'friends' with the ex can happen, but only after some no-contact time for both/one party to heal. When the reason for the break up is nothing to do with not loving one another, but due to other reasons like you mention, then keeping the continuity of a close connection and calling it 'friends' is mislabelling it. IMO it's really deciding to stay close because you can't yet move on, or are not out of love. Not that their is anything wrong with that if that's someone's decision. But this is a terrible emotional place to be in to bring a new partner into your life. It's not fair to the new partner because it doesn't give you the opportunity to move on and then give your full investment to him/her.

 

I agree you sometimes need some down time first. But these are simply some of the best friends with whom I have the most in common and I'm not throwing them away because we can't have it all. I'm in no way suffering from it. In fact, just went to a concert with one not long ago with his wife's blessing and just hung out and gossiped. I'm not in love with any of them, but I love them as friends and just care about them. We're mature and self-discliplined. We don't throw the baby out with the bathwater because we can't control our own emotions! The key is balance and maturity.

[preraph]

Also, I think it makes a difference how much you have in common with them. If your only bond is being romantic and once that's gone, it's feast or famine, that's one thing. If you have an outside interest that is strong like music was for all of us, well, we're all going to show up at the same venue over and over. No one is going to give up their music to go no contact with an ex that didn't work out. It would be asking to give up their whole life.

[eyeam]

yeah, that's the thing. The last time we saw each other, when we were both single.. (after 5 months apart) we were literally all over each other within a few hours, then she ended up staying at my place for 2 days... she even had the day off work. She was so loving. I thought everything was great.. I spoke to her on the phone 2 days later and she was cold as ice and tells me.. how attracted she still is to me (that bit was obvious) but, she can't trust me again.. and she's not going through that again (the break up etc) but, it was her choice to break up? She was cold as hell and said her goodbye's... it was literally the worse feeling ever. it was so twisted. Sometimes I think she may have even done it out of revenge?

 

We were NC for a long time. I was in pieces.. devastated. Have literally never felt pain like it, It changed me as a person for sure.

 

I wanted closure, but she has still yet to apologise or see any wrong in what she did to me.. i get no sense of guilt or wrong doing on her end? I was really very good to this woman. I really loved her. She at times - almost seems bitter still!?! then happy to talk to me.. why? So .. WHY the pointless contact and merry christmas's? she has a BF ffs? Why bother .. really? She's become a pain in the ass.. a jekyll and hyde person. sweet to freezing cold? I'll get a nice email then an impersonal cold one?

 

i suspect she may have seen a post i made about a date I was on (which i quickly deleted from twitter) and a day later i get an email? but, really .. who knows?

 

I spoke to a lot of friends who told me I was/am waaaay to good for her. I've shut it down and I'm ignoring her if she ever contacts me again. There's nothing more to say. nothing to be gained from it, but more heartache.

[eyeam]

Well... here's the thing. I'm on the recieving end of this (or was) with my ex. She had contacted me and told me she "doesn't nessicarilly want to be friends, but is hoping we could stay in touch... and reach out and from "time to time" to see how each other are doing? I've had emails saying how "madly in love with me she was".. how she had to go to conselling after we spit "because she couldn't pull herself together" and in the next paragraph she's intentionally cold, and .. well.. quite weird? Thing is, she knew I was hung up on her at the time, I told her so.. and she told me she has a BF now and is "happy" She even agreed to meet with me (before I knew about the bf) so i withdrew the offer. In my eyes it wouldn't be cool given the circumstances and disrespectful to her SO.

 

But she continues to mail me.. and the pattern is the always the same.. first email she is upbeat and friendly.. asks lots of questions. Then I'd reply in the same manner and either she goes cold and ignores it completely? or replies, and the emails are very business like in nature ..really cold and to the point? so why bother? I don't care if she contacts me or not anymore. It's hot and cold, hot and cold.

 

Example: She emailed me a month ago.. and seemed to really open up.. seemed like she was trying to rekindle things? really - I was thinking ... she must be single again? she's dumped that guy.. she was saying things like "what you said to me was really nice, but i hope it's genuine and you're not trying to mess me around?" (wtf) and "lets keep things positive and light" and "hhhhmm I'm confused now.. i wasn't expecting you to say that" Then, she was asking about my mum, job, music stuff.. even the my dog? and using silly pet names we used to use for them. Then complained about her health issues, complained about her parents...moan moan moan. Then at the end says "you seem happy.. I'am happy too" (although she didn't at all sound it?)

 

I replied in a positive way and asked about her parents.. job.. blah blah, and she totally ignored my response. How nice. A month later - on Christmas day (of all days) - at 9:30pm I receive a reply to my previous email simply saying "merry christmas from me and my family" in a cold business like way again? - Although it was meant in a somewhat pleasant way - because of the content (i think?) it offended me because she'd blanked my previous email? it's like she's doing it - just to keep it touch.

 

The thing is, there is nothing particularly "friendly" about her mails... so why for the love of god does she bother to contact me? I suspect her BF (if they're even still together?) doesn't know about the contact, because some of it has been very emotional? it's not guilt .. and she seems interested then .. not? It really does seem like she's doing it - just for the sake of staying in touch? foot in the door - If she's as happy with the new guy as she says she is... why bother? I can sense she's unhappy. I would never dream of contacting my ex when i've been in a relationship, it just wouldn't seem right. So, i've decided to go back to NC for my own sanity.

 

I'am friends with 1 of my exes from 20 years ago (my first love) when we were teenagers, but she's married and if we contact too much or bump into each other locally a little to often (we have mutual friends) or whatever (and she's had a glass of wine or two) she gets teary and tells me she loves me.. and she wished she'd married me and i was the father of her children etc etc. So we are in contact very little, for those reasons... it gets complicated.

 

Being friends with an old fling or someone you were casually dating .. yes!!.. but someone you loved dearly. Nope, sorry.

 

I'm the dumpee and this ^ can anyone give me any ideas what was going on in her head?

[trippi1432]

I'm the dumpee and this ^ can anyone give me any ideas what was going on in her head?

 

Most likely this:

 

On another note, it's not just a male or female slant of illogical thinking, I think it's more of a dumpee/dumper thing. The dumper offers the olive branch of friendship and the dumpee snaps up any breadcrumb they can get. Until both parties can get to platonic, being friends would be very hard.

[eyeam]

The thing is, there is nothing particularly "friendly" about her mails... so why for the love of god does she bother to contact me?

Edited January 7, 2016 by eyeam

[thefooloftheyear]

Eh...maybe they need someone to call in case they have to move a heavy piece of furniture or the car broke down....??

 

But really ..

 

To each his/her own...I just cant imagine anyone that cared for another person wanting to be around that other person after a breakup...No guy I know would ever submit to that...

 

I mean, is it like..."hey, as soon as I get done sucking my guys dick, he has to go to work, so then you can come over and we can bake cookies and watch Family Feud?

 

I wouldn't wish bad on that person and hope they are happy, but I would think most people would just rather turn that page and move on..Just seems weird as hell..

 

.02

 

TFY

Edited January 7, 2016 by thefooloftheyear

[eyeam]

If someone is truly happy in their current relationship, would they honestly still reach out to their previous ex if the break up had been iffy and they hadn't seen them in a year? (Bearing in mind my ex was the most stubborn, prideful person I ever met)

[Toodaloo]

Hello Folks

This posting was more for all the women out there, but guys opinions is accepted also. So here's my question......

 

Why do women who are involved with their SO, would want to keep in touch with their ex knowing that they have someone special (Relationship is going great), but yet it could potentially be causing problems in their relationship?

 

The exes I am friends with are really great guys. The reason why they are exes and not still with me in a romantic relationship now is because we are far better as friends than lovers.

 

It doesn't cause problems in my relationships because its never brought up by any of us. It doesn't need to be because we are friends not lovers... the relationship is real friendship not a hanging on to past love and getting all stupid over it.

 

The exes that are not great guys I don't speak to any more. I don't even know where they are or what they are doing. I guess I could find out but I can't be bothered.

 

It really is that simple.

 

In your case there are unresolved issues. Its not "friendship" is longing for some past thing that they never really had in the first place.

 

Eyeam - IGNORE! Just walk away. Tell her not to contact you again and block her. No good can come of this. It will mess with your head.

[eyeam]

Toodaloo. Thanks.. Yes, I'm going back to NC permanently - it's all my fault. I'm on ignore. When she has contacted me, she is very cold and business like (so why bother - If she wants to be on good terms?) I couldn't have been anymore honest, open and forgiving tbh. I've been sweet even.. and she deserved none of it. It helped me heal, to finally forgive her. She seems very bitter still, there are deffinetly unresolved issues on her end. it feels like she's holding back what she really wants to say to me and she is playing head games. Acting Like she was the dumpee, the one who has been hard done by?

 

She'll open up slightly and then back waaay off and go super cold again. She always has to drop in at the end of EVERY email how happy she is now!? It's almost like she's trying to convince herself. She doesn't sound happy. all I ever heard is how stressed she is.. I don't think she knows what she wants? She's very Catholic. Her new guy seems like an a**hole if I'm being honest, I saw an inappropriate comment he left on his Instagram about a girl/model he did a photoshoot with and it being "almost to hot to handle" and tagged her in it. nice! I'm sure that went down well. Anyway... It is obviously none of my business. I haven't looked in months. Feels wrong and creepy.

 

Just wondered why she'd continue to mail me when she seems so angry at me still.

 

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Edited January 7, 2016 by eyeam