Why do women want to keep in touch with their ex-boyfriends?

[BMI03]

I agree you sometimes need some down time first.

 

I agree with everything you say about the value of keeping the friendships. Those are great reasons. I think the above is key though, or, in the absence of taking the time to let your heart heal so you can open it up fairly to someone else, you shouldn't bring someone else into it. Someone else can join once the heart is healed that the friendship really is just that.

 

Glad you were able to make it work. Good work.

[ScienceGal]

I don't keep in touch with exes. No reason to.

There might be an occasional run in or message, but that's rare.

[Toodaloo]

Toodaloo. Thanks.. Yes, I'm going back to NC permanently - it's all my fault. I'm on ignore. When she has contacted me, she is very cold and business like (so why bother - If she wants to be on good terms?) I couldn't have been anymore honest, open and forgiving tbh. I've been sweet even.. and she deserved none of it. It helped me heal, to finally forgive her. She seems very bitter still, there are deffinetly unresolved issues on her end. it feels like she's holding back what she really wants to say to me and she is playing head games. Acting Like she was the dumpee, the one who has been hard done by?

 

She'll open up slightly and then back waaay off and go super cold again. She always has to drop in at the end of EVERY email how happy she is now!? It's almost like she's trying to convince herself. She doesn't sound happy. all I ever heard is how stressed she is.. I don't think she knows what she wants? She's very Catholic. Her new guy seems like an a**hole if I'm being honest, I saw an inappropriate comment he left on his Instagram about a girl/model he did a photoshoot with and it being "almost to hot to handle" and tagged her in it. nice! I'm sure that went down well. Anyway... It is obviously none of my business. I haven't looked in months. Feels wrong and creepy.

 

Just wondered why she'd continue to mail me when she seems so angry at me still.

 

Let sleeping dogs lie.

 

She is probably angry with herself and projecting that on to you.

 

If she contacts you again I really would just tell her to F off and leave you alone, tell her that you couldn't give a toss what she is doing and to go live her life.

 

At least then you can move on.

 

She can deal with her issues. They are not your problem.

 

She is probably doing it for attention if her new bloke is quite so obviously looking around elsewhere. Her problem not yours.

 

Go live your life and forget about this one.

[eyeam]

Toodaloo, haha.. Your post made me smile. You're so English

[Toodaloo]

Toodaloo, haha.. Your post made me smile. You're so English

 

Can trace the blood lines all the way back to Cromwell (probably - the good one) and Collingwood (definitely). Yeah thats right the one who actually won the war after Nelson got shot. So yes I am as English as they get with a smattering of the Gaelic and Celtic here and there to make sure I do not play the banjo or get too interbred.

 

This ex of your is one who would drink her Earl Grey with milk...

 

Seriously dude - not worth it.

 

Just walk away and forget her.

[eyeam]

Me too ... Gloucestershire/Bath aaaaallll the way back

 

And no.. She's Polish and very naive

[eyeam]

Toodaloo

It's interesting that you'd think she is angry at herself.. I'm getting that too. Why do you think that is? Lady thoughts?

[trippi1432]

Toodaloo

It's interesting that you'd think she is angry at herself.. I'm getting that too. Why do you think that is? Lady thoughts?

 

Honestly, it could be times when she and her SO aren't getting along so well. It could be times that she thinks about you and her together but she reaches out coldly as her coping mechanism. There's really no telling without being her tbh.

 

I guess the bigger question is, how do YOU cope now and not allow it to mess with your head?

[SpiralOut]

I don't keep much contact with my exes. There are two still on my FB because we ended things on good terms and stayed friends, but we don't talk that much. They have moved on and so have I.

[Emilia]

I keep in touch with them because I have terrible memory. After a while I forget that I'm supposed to be mad at them or feel indifferent. One I've texted with today as he is away abroad, another I spoke to a few days ago. I haven't slept with these guys for around 5-10 years. If that's what they are orbiting for they must be extremely patient. I have another on facebook and one on linkedin. They both live in Australia. Dunno. Breaking up isn't easy for me but the drama just goes after a while.

[eyeam]

I guess the bigger question is, how do YOU cope now and not allow it to mess with your head?

 

Ignore. I'm done. Really. it's been a one way exchange mostly.. just like our relationship suprisingly

[eyeam]

Honestly, it could be times when she and her SO aren't getting along so well. It could be times that she thinks about you and her together but she reaches out coldly as her coping mechanism. There's really no telling without being her tbh.

 

I suspect you could be right with this one. If I know her .. and just how moody, cold and argumentative she is.. then well, I doubt it'll be smooth sailing with her new fella. (especially if he's leaving inapropreate comments about pictures of girlies he's worked with?) Her mum (who i was friends with on FB) and is a sweet woman even told me "She's with this guy, I think that is her right, although they differ in life" and "I think you should talk to her" ? .. not sure that sounds to promising for their future tbh? anyway, pffftt.. it's none of my business.

[Grewd]

Hello Folks

This posting was more for all the women out there, but guys opinions is accepted also. So here's my question......

 

Why do women who are involved with their SO, would want to keep in touch with their ex knowing that they have someone special (Relationship is going great), but yet it could potentially be causing problems in their relationship?

Because they don't hold a grudge, their break up wasn't a messy one with hurt feelings. They could have agreed on it from both sides for reasons such as impracticality and still want to remain friends because there's no reason not to. It isn't given that they use their ex as a crutch until someone else comes by, which would be an incredibly selfish thing to do.

 

If that makes a problem in a relationship it's usually not caused by the one who's friends with their ex. They may have a new special one, but that doesn't mean the new guy is the only one that matters to them. They don't just dump and forget all their friends because the new guy is "everything", nobody is everything. However the new guy may still be special and the one that matters the most. It's then really stressful if the new guy demands her completely cutting contact with her ex which is just her friend, because it's her friend just like any other of her friends to her.

 

Of course it will cause problems if the new guy has a problem with it and he puts her in a difficult position forced to choose between two people she has nothing against. I know I wouldn't like if a woman had a problem with my friends and required me to break it off with one of them, regardless of my past with my friends. The jealousy would be understandable, but if she wouldn't eventually accept it and trust me then she's the one getting the boot. I want a woman who trusts me at least as much as I trust her. I also don't accept being coerced in any way to break off friends, I wouldn't expect her to accept that either, that would be unfair.

Edited January 8, 2016 by Grewd

[eyeam]

I also found this

 

"Could be one or all of several possible reasons:

 

1) Security Backup -- If the relationship doesn't work out with the new guy, there is a fallback option that the ex could give them what they want for a short period of time (whether that entails sex, attention, desire, caring, someone to talk to, etc.). Having the ex in the background also helps to give the girl power in her new relationship because they both know there is someone else out there in close proximity waiting for the chance to get with her.....so the new bf had better be on his best behavior.

 

2) Competition -- By keeping the ex around she can keep tabs on him and make sure he's not better off without her. Make sure that she gets a loving relationship before he does. Many girls don't like it if their ex gets into a new relationship first, even if she did the dumping, lest it might appear that he is more desriable than she is.

 

3) Drama & Attention -- Girls LOVE to get attention from as many guys as possible. Many guys who get dumped still have feelings for their ex-gf's, and the girls will feast on those feelings. Unrequited love is great for them because they don't have to do anything for it. They get a great relationship with some new guy, AND they get to be chased after by the old one. Plus, they can usually manipulate the guy into doing things for her and giving her a known ear to talk to and shoulder to cry on.

 

On the flip side, if the girl was the one who got dumped, there is the hope that their newfound happiness will make the old bf jealous and make him see how wrong he was to leave her. Even in the most mutually agreed upon breakups there is usually a little bit of lingering sexual tension. Just because a girl has a BF whom she loves doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy being lusted after and flirted with by other guys. The truly good mature women don't do this stuff too much, but most of the women out there aren't truly good or mature (or at least, not yet in their lives).

 

4) Self-Esteem -- If a girl dumps a guy, there is a good possibility that the guy will be angry at her over this. He might think of her as a selfish bitch, he might point out her flaws to her friends.....and he might even be right about his assessment of her. This is a damaging concept for many girls.....the notion that someone they were close to would be angry with them and find faults. Many girls can't handle that. But if he stays in her life, if he agrees to be friends with her, it mitigates the damage. It shows the world that, despite the breakup, he still likes her as a person, and therefore she obviously did nothing wrong. Yeah, the relationship ended, but it obviously wasn't her fault because they can still be friends. She's not a bitch. If they stop being friends, there's no telling what he might say about her. But as long as they are still "friends," she still looks like a kind sweet person, and anything bad that he says just looks like the rantings of a jilted ex."

[Toodaloo]

Toodaloo

It's interesting that you'd think she is angry at herself.. I'm getting that too. Why do you think that is? Lady thoughts?

 

Well most of the time people do not like being anything less than perfect. Its why we diet and put on clothes that we think are flattering, we go to work so we can have a nice place to live and a nice car to drive etc...

 

She isn't perfect and she did something bad and she can't forgive herself so instead projects that on to you.

 

Result is still the same so it doesn't really matter.

 

2 very good rugby teams there sir!

 

I have a large amount of family in Glos but those are not the posh blood lines even if a couple of them are land owners!

 

Quit worrying about it and go look for another girl. Work on getting to the point where you just don't care any more.

[eyeam]

 

2 very good rugby teams there sir!

 

I have a large amount of family in Glos but those are not the posh blood lines even if a couple of them are land owners!

 

Quit worrying about it and go look for another girl. Work on getting to the point where you just don't care any more.

 

Thanks, I think I like you Toodaloo

 

Rugby.. hate it. But true

 

Haha.. me: not posh

 

I've been looking, dating and honestly.. I've never had a problem with the ladies. But this one I loved dearly, she had ALOT of issues .. possibly even a personality disorder ( I think I have the "I can save you" complex) I wanted to marry her.. and it broke me in to little pieces when we split (again) I think the fact that I wasn't over her for a long time was preventing me from entering another relationship.. and I wasn't going to do a re-bound. I am done with it now. so done. A lot of it was my ego talking. I'm not even sure why but her last (merry xmas from me and my family) really pissed me off!? Like .. if you're going to f*ck off ... please just f*ck off now. But I guess there must still be something there or I wouldn't have brought any of this up here? I need to get to a point where I don't even think about her any more.

[Bobbi7]

By "keeping in touch" what do you mean? Daily contact? 6 months contact?