rainshadow Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Hi everyone: i'm here to ask for input from those of you who have been emotionally abused by a parent. my mother is an alcoholic and has emotionally abused me since i was very young. i'm an only child as well, which makes the situation worse - and my father is very non-involved (as in, he just tries to please my mom). he has never protected me from her, and as a result, i was always the target of open fire. my question for those of you with emotionally abusive parents is how you cope in your intimate relationships? i've been in many relationships in my life (i'm 29 now) and each one of them has been difficult because of the abuse i've experienced. i always feel like my BF's needs are more important than mine, I always feel a constant need to control, I'm afraid of abandonment, afraid of instability and the smallest things about my BF's behaviour affects me greatly. I've been in counselling for about 10 years now (crazy, I know) and it's helped me a lot, but even though i've made big steps, I find relationships so difficult. i'm in an incredible relationship right now - possibly with the man i could spend the rest of my life with and i don't want to f*ck it up. the problem is that any time he exhibits behaviour that reminds me of my mom, it sends me into anxiety and i end up projecting all the time. do other people find it difficult to have intimate relationships b/c of the abuse? i have to back to north america in july (i'm currently a student overseas) for a month and i'm terrified of going back. i've lived away from home for many years now, and usually visits aren't so bad. however, at christmas, my mom unleashed another major abusive episode and i have been a bit unstable ever since. the threat of this environment and being away from my bf for that long is really difficult for me. it's not the time or actual being away from him that's difficult, but the fact that i will be in an unstable and anxiety-filled environment where i don't feel safe. anyway, in short, i just want to know how others out there cope with their relationships when the scars of emotional abuse are so deep? Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by rainshadow anyway, in short, i just want to know how others out there cope with their relationships when the scars of emotional abuse are so deep? Remind yourself that this current relationship doesn't have anything to do with that older abusive relationship. Force yourself towards the anxiety producing situation in your current healthy relationship. Work on relaxing and remembering that this isn't an abusive situation for you to fear. What you are feeling is brought on by a trigger that your partner isn't even aware of and maybe discuss with your partner what you are going through. What you are experiencing is perfectly normal for someone with your experiences--things will get better with time. If you haven't already distanced yourself from your parents it is a really good idea to do so. You don't need to keep having your emotional scars opened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainshadow Posted June 4, 2005 Author Share Posted June 4, 2005 thanks craig: you've given some good advice. it's an instinctual thing i guess - you re-create what you know, despite how uncomfortable or painful it is. i have tendencies to become over-dependent on my partner in order to feel safe, because safety is something i've never felt at home. it was always wondering whether my mom would be in a good mood or an accusatory mood, drunk or sober, hurtful or loving. i'd almost have preferred to have had a constantly bad atmosphere because you start to trust, and then that trust keeps getting broken. i know this will take time. i had just thought that by the age of 29 i would have it all figured out. however, i haven't really let out the rage i've felt towards my mother over the years up until now. not to pry, but are you speaking from experience? the reason i ask is because i'd like to know if others react or feel similarly and how they cope with not only their partner, but confronting their parents as well. i'm wondering if it's best to just leave things as they are, or try to confront one's abuser (esp. when it's a parent) because they will always bring it back to you as the one at fault. no matter how hard i've tried with my mom, it always ends up being my fault somehow. my mother even blamed me for her own feelings of sadness when i broke up with my previous bf. she went on about how hurt she was, and how i did it to them by bringing him into their life. anyway, thanks again and if anyone else would like to share their experiences, i really welcome it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainshadow Posted June 4, 2005 Author Share Posted June 4, 2005 sorry i'm a bit new to the forum... and just read your other post and saw that you are indeed in an (or are ending?) an abusive relationship. kudos to you as well for having the courage to come forward and to talk about stuff that hurts. it's difficult, but so therapeutic when you're getting support from others... Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 From experience? Unfortunately. Originally posted by rainshadow i'm wondering if it's best to just leave things as they are, or try to confront one's abuser (esp. when it's a parent) because they will always bring it back to you as the one at fault. no matter how hard i've tried with my mom, it always ends up being my fault somehow. my mother even blamed me for her own feelings of sadness when i broke up with my previous bf. she went on about how hurt she was, and how i did it to them by bringing him into their life. Confronting an abuser is like trying to teach a pig to sing, it just annoys the pig and doesn't do justice to the music. Your acceptance that your mom is the way she is and that she will never change is the best medicine for you. What your mom did and continues to do to you is wrong and she probably has psychiatric issues (if she went to a shrink you wouldn't have to) but she will never seek help. The best thing you can do for yourself is to have as little contact with her as possible and when you do have to have contact stay strong, don't fall for her usual manipulative tactics and remember all the good things about yourself. Your mom blaming her "feelings" on you is just another of her many manipulative tactics, don't fall for it. Link to post Share on other sites
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