My preferences in men are making my love life difficult.

[Leigh 87]

Doubt that womanizers are going to want an exclusive serious relationship.

 

Most so called "womanizers" end up falling head over heels for a wildly attractive woman that they just click with well.

[Poutrew]

Tb

 

"I think you just gave the most simplistic answer of all times."

 

Have you ever heard of the KISS principle? Basically, the least complex things last the longest...

 

"If I wanted two men I would have that already. I don't want that. I want to find the love of my life. However, I need to be emotionally and sexually satisfied. And my sexual demands are many."

 

I really do wish you luck. But, the more complicated you make things, the longer it will take to get satisfaction. Is it a good deal if you finally do meet that perfect man...at the nursing home when you are in your 70's?

 

 

 

"Now... I see many men in here complaining about their good girlFriends who are terrible in bed and nobody tells them to find a second girlFriend. I don't even know why you would say such a thing."

 

No one needs to tell a man to get another woman... I guess the argument could be made that those men who have women on the side have given up looking for their perfect mate and have just settled for compartmentalizing their life, picking and choosing women who fit the particular compartment. But it makes for a complicated, 3-ring circus existence, and they usually pay for violating the KISS principle eventually. These guys and gals keep the divorce lawyers happy and well fed, so don't think I'm defending a double standard. I'm not..

 

 

It seems you don't understand much about feminine psychology.

 

Ummm...I'm a man. What do you expect? On one hand I've been described as a guy who makes Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca seem like a tender, sensitive man. On the other hand, I'm equally at home discussing stellar nucleosynthesis at an astrophysics symposium, or disagreeing with Max Tegmark over the way he defined alternate realities in his latest book while nursing a beer at the local pub. I guess I'm old enough to know human sensuality involves so much more than mere flesh...And no, I have yet to find that 'perfect' woman. The main difference between me and thee that I see, is that I am not stressing out over it.

[newmoon]

how is your situation any different from any other woman looking for a guy? it doesn't sound like you have special requirements. you just haven't found the right person yet.

[Leigh 87]

I hope you will disregard some of the others' advice that you can't have all that you want. You can - it simply takes time and patience.

 

I was completely in your shoes but it took a LOT of years of hunting and being single before I was able to figure it out. A lot of those year before the internet existed, to be frank.

 

For me, I wanted a relationship-minded man who was *very* intelligent and cultured. My life's interests involved art exhibits, opera, symphony, travel, and lectures. Instead, I was meeting guys who preferred spending their weekends watching or engaging in sports activities and bar-hopping.

 

I also wanted a relationship that would involve rough sex and BDSM.

 

So for many years, I used the BDSM websites to get the sexual component whilst the intellectual aspect came from vanilla boyfriends.

 

I finally flipped my logic and reasoning and used the BDSM sites to find a life partner. In may seem counter-intuitive, but it completely worked. I was very emphatic in my profile that while I was a kinky and submissive woman, the relationship I was looking for needed to be based on much more than just our sexual proclivities. And - most importantly - a potential partner had to engage my brain first, my heart second, and THEN my body.

 

I had hundreds of online conversations with guys, went on over fifty "first dates," and ultimately met someone - just four years ago - whom I ended up marrying (at the ripe old age of 48, thank-you-very-much).

 

So don't believe you can't have everything. Just hold to your ideals but - perhaps - widen your sphere of where you might look for such a mate.

 

Good luck.

 

 

You also divulged that you don't have earth shattering chemistry with him

 

But then again, you're far more cultured and intellectually superior to the vast majority. So for you, the intellectualcompatability had the be there first and foremost. The rest followed but you by no means were giddy and euphoric at first (based on your thread about him snd your lack of chemistry early on in the relationship).

 

OP.....

 

What I am suggesting is; find what is of prime importance, OP.

 

Is it amazing chemistry? Do you need a super lusty honeymoon phase? Do uou need to want to rip their clothes off? And also, do you need them to be wildly attracted to you at first site or are you okay with a guy being lukewarm about you initially and having to grow into you and fall for you slowly?

 

If you're like me and need the spark and the magic chemistry, then let that lead because you're very unlikely to find a guy who makes your heart skipa beat AND the amazing intellectual connection Carrie T had when she first met her partner.

 

I am not a raging intellectual. Although I did well in school snd love learning and lectures, I prefer blue collar men who have jobs driving big tricks or operating heavy machinery. So it's safe to say that so clearly I am not seeking titillating intellectual debate......

 

You have to register what drives you znx basically work out how you can buid up the other elements (that won't ALL be there in spades).

[BettyDraper]

Most so called "womanizers" end up falling head over heels for a wildly attractive woman that they just click with well.

 

This is not true because plenty of womanizers can find gorgeous women that they click well with. Those types just need to have several women in the rotation at all times.

[MissBee]

I'm not completely over it but basically I had a tendency to be attracted to men who were good in bed, witty, sarcastic, charming and emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable wasn't on my list but I realized that aside from those other qualities I liked, which were fine in and of themselves, my "type" tended not to be good relationship material.

 

After doing the same thing over and over to no end, I realized I had to be real with myself and work on why that was my thing. I wanted one thing (serious relationship) but often picked the least likely people for it and felt unlucky like why do all the people I like end up being this way....

 

Turns out I had a lot to work on myself and had my own emotional unavailability issues why I subconsciously chose men like this who were fun and great and good in bed and wastes of time. Until I started looking at me and my own choices I just kept wasting time looking for men and meeting the same type: they looked different, had different names, different jobs, etc...but they were ultimately all the same and the common denominator was me. It looks like the same in your case, if womanizers who can't give you a serious relationship are who you want (forget funny, sarcastic etc...as romantic stable guys can be this way so the fact that these qualities come attached to womanizers means something). You gotta work out what's behind these choices yourself and work out if you're ready to do something different to get a different result.

 

Lots of people tied up in toxic, dead end or dysfunctional relationships are hooked to the excitement even when it's unsustainable or is literally killing them.

Edited January 7, 2016 by MissBee

[CarrieT]

You also divulged that you don't have earth shattering chemistry with him

 

But then again, you're far more cultured and intellectually superior to the vast majority. So for you, the intellectualcompatability had the be there first and foremost. The rest followed but you by no means were giddy and euphoric at first (based on your thread about him snd your lack of chemistry early on in the relationship).

Yeah? So?

 

I am pragmatic and experienced to know that earth-shattering chemistry rarely lasts and is not a reason to build and work on a good relationship. You state it here:

Is it amazing chemistry? Do you need a super lusty honeymoon phase? Do uou need to want to rip their clothes off? And also, do you need them to be wildly attracted to you at first site or are you okay with a guy being lukewarm about you initially and having to grow into you and fall for you slowly?

The lusty honeymoon phase NEVER lasts and is a poor thing upon which to build a relationship. Besides - for me - the brain is far more erotic and that "wild attraction" can grow.

[CherryVanilla]

So you want a relationship yet you only pursue men who don't, and you are turned off by men who want a relationship. The question I'd ask you, is are you being at all honest with yourself about what you want? Because your actions clearly don't line up with your words. There are lots of extremely interesting people who live exciting lives who have long term relationships and lots of really boring [womanizers], so I don't buy that reason, not at all.

 

I am not turned off by men who want a relationship.

I am turned off by overly sentimental, clingy and romantic men. It is a different thing.

 

I just want a man who is ready for a relationship, fun and witty and great in bed. And trust me, this is really rare to find.

[CherryVanilla]

Yes and it was amazing. Let me rephrase that... A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

 

What you want is out there its just going to take time to find it and more that likely will be somewhere that you least expect it so you are going to have to keep your eyes very wide open. He may not be your usual "type", he may be sitting on the train and you are too afraid to speak to him... But he is there.

 

Your lucky. I can confirm that there are a few like this. I have dated more than one. And they are amazing people.

 

I am really happy you found a great person, I can imagine how amazing it is!!! Have you been together for a long time ?

 

Damn everybody says "I met the right guy when I least expected"... But how can I not expect it when I want it ? I can't stop thinking about this matter... I don't know what to do! I am getting anxious and tired.

[CherryVanilla]

Unfortunately, a lot of these interests you mention aren't really a male-dominated interest. Not too many men are into art exhibits and the opera at the very most will tolerate going to one to keep you happy.

 

Just curious, do you enjoy boating (going out on a boat) water activities, outdoor BBQ's at a friends house? Pool parties? If not, then you may want to be open to those kinds of activities where interests are a bit more fun and diverse.

 

As an European woman I gotta say MANY MEN are interested in arts, opera, ballet, etc... perhaps not in America.

 

Most of my friends are married or committed and thus since I am the single woman and they go out on double dates I am not invited.

[CherryVanilla]

I'm not completely over it but basically I had a tendency to be attracted to men who were good in bed, witty, sarcastic, charming and emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable wasn't on my list but I realized that aside from those other qualities I liked, which were fine in and of themselves, my "type" tended not to be good relationship material.

 

Exactly! That is what I feel about the men I like as well.

 

After doing the same thing over and over to no end, I realized I had to be real with myself and work on why that was my thing. I wanted one thing (serious relationship) but often picked the least likely people for it and felt unlucky like why do all the people I like end up being this way....

 

Turns out I had a lot to work on myself and had my own emotional unavailability issues why I subconsciously chose men like this who were fun and great and good in bed and wastes of time.

 

Same here! If you read my post again you'll see I think I am emotionally unavailable myself.

 

Until I started looking at me and my own choices I just kept wasting time looking for men and meeting the same type: they looked different, had different names, different jobs, etc...but they were ultimately all the same and the common denominator was me. It looks like the same in your case, if womanizers who can't give you a serious relationship are who you want (forget funny, sarcastic etc...as romantic stable guys can be this way so the fact that these qualities come attached to womanizers means something). You gotta work out what's behind these choices yourself and work out if you're ready to do something different to get a different result.

 

Lots of people tied up in toxic, dead end or dysfunctional relationships are hooked to the excitement even when it's unsustainable or is literally killing them.

 

I had a horrible heartbreak 3 years ago and though I swear I am COMPLETELY over the guy I think that it left a scar... Which is emotional unavailability.

[CherryVanilla]

You also divulged that you don't have earth shattering chemistry with him

 

But then again, you're far more cultured and intellectually superior to the vast majority. So for you, the intellectualcompatability had the be there first and foremost. The rest followed but you by no means were giddy and euphoric at first (based on your thread about him snd your lack of chemistry early on in the relationship).

 

OP.....

 

What I am suggesting is; find what is of prime importance, OP.

 

Is it amazing chemistry? Do you need a super lusty honeymoon phase? Do uou need to want to rip their clothes off? And also, do you need them to be wildly attracted to you at first site or are you okay with a guy being lukewarm about you initially and having to grow into you and fall for you slowly?

 

If you're like me and need the spark and the magic chemistry, then let that lead because you're very unlikely to find a guy who makes your heart skipa beat AND the amazing intellectual connection Carrie T had when she first met her partner.

 

I am not a raging intellectual. Although I did well in school snd love learning and lectures, I prefer blue collar men who have jobs driving big tricks or operating heavy machinery. So it's safe to say that so clearly I am not seeking titillating intellectual debate......

 

You have to register what drives you znx basically work out how you can buid up the other elements (that won't ALL be there in spades).

 

Same here. The guy doesn't need to be the most cultured , educated man I know. But he has to be mature, eloquent and clever. And sense of humor is something ESSENTIAL to me, but honestly most of the "good guys" I have known so far are a bore. Yes, they're ready to have a relationship but they're a pain in the neck to talk to. I hate shy men too.

Perhaps it's just a matter of being patient and looking for men more attentively?

[Buddhist]

As a fellow picky female who is rarely attracted to anyone, I'll take a moment to pick this apart shall I?

 

1. I am a very fun, spontaneous person who likes sarcasm, witty sense of humor and intelligent conversations. I like people who surprise me. Thus, I tend to get along better with men who are fun, sarcastic and spontaneous as well, who are able to surprise me... Yes you got it right - I tend to be physically and sexually attracted to alpha males and [womanizers].

 

My first question is why you think only womanisers are capable of being spontaneous, witty, sarcastic and intelligent? Is it because they neg you? If so, then I think you need to examine your relationship with yourself a bit. Masochism is definitely raising it's head here. I don't find negging in the least bit witty nor intelligent...YMMV. I've known men who were all of these and not womanisers. Your problem is actually excluding the possibility of finding the qualities you admire in someone who doesn't have a negative relationship to women.

 

2. However, I don't want a FWB, I don't want a hookup and I don't care about casual sex. I want intimacy, true feelings and true love - but I don't like clingy or overly emotional people.

 

Your second problem is equating intimacy and true love with clinginess and being overly emotional. Histrionics aren't necessary for true love to be present. True love necessitates that respect for you be present, otherwise it's true lust. You don't have respect for you in a womaniser. By virtue of the fact he's a womaniser means he'd objectifying you and lacks respect. So you have a mutually exclusive condition here. Just because he's not a womaniser doesn't automatically mean he's a sap either. The problem rests with how you view men.

 

I am scared I will eventually get too involved with a guy who is romantic, sweet and caring at first and then turns into a possessive, jealous, insecure and paranoid man. I can't stand insecurity or jealousy in a man.

 

So you're not really bored then are you? You're scared, so much so, you're probably running for your life. Hence why you choose womanisers, they are never going to become attached to you so you'll never have to face your own fear of attachment. But you won't ever get a good relationship that way.

 

4. I am very demanding when it comes to sex. Sex must be amazing if I really care about a guy. And, I am not ashamed to say that, I like rough sex. The best sex I had in my life were with the so-called [womanizers] I have met. Most sensible and romantic guys were really a bore in bed. I couldn't stand that either.

 

Most men have enough testosterone in their system to give you the rough sex you desire. All that's required is for you to incite it in him. That's easy to do. Perhaps your own sexual skills are lacking?

 

I am almost thinking that I am perhaps emotionally unavailable. Sometimes I think I am subconsciously finding excuses to remain single, unattached.

 

Advice is definitely welcome.

 

Yes this and also I'll put forward the idea of self-punishment as well. You seem to have some masochistic tendencies. It's not that your guy does not exist, it's that you go looking for him in all the wrong places. You're either finding men who don't respect you or going to the other extreme of men too intimidated to actually put some boundaries in with you. Yet there is a whole world of men who are in-between.

 

When I met my current parter he set off in me what I call a self-destruct sequence. He was so close to being my ideal that I fought tooth and nail to remove him from my life. I was that scared of discovering what my ideal was all about. His presence made me confront.....

 

- My desire for self-punishment by withholding love from myself

- My feelings of unworthiness

- My fears of abandonment

- My fears of loss of emotional and intellectual control in my life

 

Basically every trigger I owned he pushed just by being him. All of this surfaced before we even started dating. None of it was related to anything he did. That's what true love looks like. It makes you want to examine yourself, admit your shadows and then heal them so you can be with someone you don't immediately believe you can be an equal to. But you step up to the plate anyway. If someone isn't inspiring you and scaring you a little bit too. They aren't true love, just another trip down disappointment road.

[Toodaloo]

I am really happy you found a great person, I can imagine how amazing it is!!! Have you been together for a long time ?

 

Damn everybody says "I met the right guy when I least expected"... But how can I not expect it when I want it ? I can't stop thinking about this matter... I don't know what to do! I am getting anxious and tired.

 

Ha ha! I am talking about exes!

 

Currently single but working on a really great guy I have met! If it doesn't go anywhere I know there are others.

 

Sounds to me like your a bit burnt out. I feel like that sometimes. All I do is take a break and go do other things I enjoy instead for a bit then go back to the whole dating thing.

 

CarrieT is right. It was a man who introduced me to theatre and built up my love of the arts and music... Men are complex creatures, simple in some ways, complex in others. Or perhaps dynamic would be a better word.

 

Chin up chook. Its hard work finding the really good ones. THey are out there though!

[sandylee1]

I've just read the first page. ..so here goes ... I think a DOM/SUB relationship would suit you. Where you are the sub of course. A Dom that would satisfy you sexually and in daily life be sensitive and dependable. It's kind of like 2 people in one.

[Qboro90]

Sounds like you want a 50 shades of Grey boyfriend who can treat you to a nice night out for dinner, and then break you in half with his dick once you get home lol.

 

These guys are around however you will need to find them at he right time in their life in order to have it succeed.

 

Without sounding too cocky, I'll say I was the college athlete player through colleget. Needless to say, gettin laid was easy, the best looking girls were a dime a dozen, and I didn't really give a crap about being asked "where is this going" because it was going wherever I wanted it to and I always had the benefit of being the one who cared less.

 

Fast forward after graduation, start navigating the real world and establishing a career and eventually the same girls become boring and you start noticing the ones who require a little more work and command more respect. Don't give it up on date #1. You can tease, but separate yourself from the ONS if you want to command respect.

 

So my advice to you. Try and find guys who are in that in between stage of their lives. The ones who are getting bored of the playboy routine and can be impressed by a classier girl with a hidden raunchy side. And as long as you can maintain his attention in a bar full of other women, then he's capable of meetin your standards.

[SmartDude]

I know quite a few women who go after the fun and excitment in their 20's and 30's.

Suddenly at 38 they are freaking out because they want to have kids.

Most men don't go for it.

If you don't want kids ,you should be more or less fine in 10 years with what your doing now.

 

If you really want what you are looking for you have to let go of your grasp just a bit. You are holding on too tightly to your ideas. Your ideas are preventing you from finding the relationship you want.

 

Many good looking women are too acustumed to the man aproaching them.

You may even have to go against your own feeling and reach out and start a conversation with the man that YOU are attracted to *gasp!*. The mistake you may be making is letting the most domminant man win every time. In effect you may be letting the men decide who is going to get you based on who "wins the competition"? "Alpha males" are great for hunting, protecting, great sex and bashing in the heads of small animals. Not so great for more evolved human functions like romantic relationships.

 

But I don't know really. I am just making guesses.

[Leigh 87]

Yeah? So?

 

I am pragmatic and experienced to know that earth-shattering chemistry rarely lasts and is not a reason to build and work on a good relationship. You state it here:

 

The lusty honeymoon phase NEVER lasts and is a poor thing upon which to build a relationship. Besides - for me - the brain is far more erotic and that "wild attraction" can grow.

 

There's nothing wrong with either approach.

 

Some people like myself, aren't intellectual. We prefer amazing chemistry and we need to go through the really passionate honeymoon phase.

 

We just need amazing natural chemistry and a BASE level of compatability!

 

I may be younger and not academically inclined however, myself and others my age havea strong hunch as to what truly drives us romantically.

Your method was ideal for YOU. Because YOU are highly intelligent and academic! The brain turns you on first and foremost! So clearly YOUR requirements are ideal for you......

 

You're method served you well. Sadly, a bright mind and or a kind personality coupled with mediocore or mild chemistry isn't enough for many.

 

No matter how witty a man is or how great the conversation is, there are those of us who will never feel as giddy about a man with whom we didn't feel that initial spark with.... without a strong honeymoon phase, many people simply don't ever developed "that feeling" of just "knowing " you're heart yearns for them and only them.

 

You can't fault those of us who favourite natural amazing chemistry and a basic level of compatability, just because you prefer going for hyper intelligent men minus the sky illuminating fireworks. .....

 

It's not that wr ONLY care about meeting someone that we fall hard for. We do want a fairytale beginning but we also know that a certain degree of compatability is required!

 

Your thing is cultured and intelligent men.

 

My thing is for hard working blue collar men who drive big machines for a living......

 

Your thing is to seek AMAZING compatability first snd foremost with a man so long as they don't repulse you (you think it can grow.....)

 

My thing is to seek NATURALLY intense chemistry that is effortless. Magnetic chemistry, and THEN get to know them and ascertain whether or not they are compatible enough wjth you to warrant a relationship.

 

True chemistry doesn't fade btw. It's the undeniable glue that my parents, married for FORTY YEARS, told me "helped keep them together during hard times "

[WaitingForBardot]

There's nothing wrong with either approach.

 

Some people like myself, aren't intellectual. We prefer amazing chemistry and we need to go through the really passionate honeymoon phase.

 

We just need amazing natural chemistry and a BASE level of compatability!

 

...

I agree with Leigh that there is nothing wrong with either approach, but I also fall into her camp as far as how relationships start that have worked out for me.

 

In support of her desires/methods, studies have shown that neural pathways laid down during the intense early phases of a relationship may provide the background against which relationships are able to weather storms and go the distance far into the future. Brain scans showed that simply thinking/reminiscing about events in these early phases can cause the same feelings, levels of activation of the same brain regions, as the original experiences did themselves. These feelings are tremendously helpful to people experiencing stormy periods in their relationships.

 

The other side of the coin is that by holding back, keeping your emotions too much in check, you may be denying yourself a neural foundation that can help your relationships survive in the future.

 

In the end of course you've got to use the method that works best for you.