A Tale of Two Cities

[venusishername]

I found myself in a LDR. Never thought that would happen to me. It's hard, but maybe the best thing that could have happened so I could ease into a new relationship again. I have some trust issues, and maybe taking it slow and getting to know someone was all I needed.

 

I have another thread in Dating about this, but it's so long, I'll just cut to the chase here. I met a local guy while on vacation in New Orleans three months ago. I was only there for a couple days, but he wanted to spend as much time as possible with me. He was totally smitten, immediately. Long story short, we've talked every single day since I left. We went on a date the night after we met while I was there, and he called me the next day, the day after, and so on. Not one single day has passed that we haven't been in contact. Amazing. We've spent hours on the phone, video chat. He's already come across the country to see me twice since then, and we've had an amazing, wonderful time. I've met his extended family here, and this last trip he brought his son.

I have no doubt that he's head over heels about me, I feel the same.

 

 

I am planning to go there next month, and we are loosely discussing a trip to Mexico in June too. I don't know how often we will be seeing each other until he merges his life here. He seems intent on moving out here, or at least having where I live as 'one' of his cities.

 

I've never been in a LDR before and it's really difficult. I don't want to wait more than 4-6 weeks between seeing each other. I also don't want to have two cities. I want one city. We've talked about that. I don't know how long it's going to take, or if it's going to happen at all.

The distance seems so risky sometimes. Maybe it's about just nurturing the relationship and making effort as we have been?

 

Sometimes I wonder if he'll meet someone there, and it will be easier than waiting to be with me. My ex slept with someone else when we were separated for three months, and I thought we were still together. I didn't find out about it until after we broke up, but still. What if my new guy does that? What if he meets some other woman he finds attractive and is tempted, doesn't want to hold out for me?

What if he never comes? What if all it will ever be is two cities? He romanticizes the distance, the longing. I see the appeal, but I can't do this for much longer. He just left three days ago and I can't bear the thought of waiting a whole month to see him. I'm not sure if I have the guts and patience for a LDR. Although we are very much in love, I do know that.

 

I just don't know if the distance can be closed in the timeframe I would like. I don't know if he will bridge the distance, even though he talks about it. So many fears.

Edited January 7, 2016 by venusishername

[anonymousbear00101100]

Based on your title and subsequent post, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." seems apt.

 

I don't really know much about your situation (age, distance from each other, professions, etc.). What I do know is that if both parties are equally willing to put in the time and energy, the distance can be managed and the time will fly by. Some couples would kill for 4-6 weeks between meet ups!

 

Worrying about him meeting someone new will go away as you start to build mutual trust. If you are both truly in love, he won't be looking for it elsewhere. I'm sure he's worried about the same thing.

 

I would advise you to spend more than a few days together before either of you quits a job or moves to a new city. You can be very much in love from a distance, but physical chemistry is just as important.

Edited January 7, 2016 by rjblak13

[venusishername]

I don't really know much about your situation (age, distance from each other, professions, etc.). What I do know is that if both parties are equally willing to put in the time and energy, the distance can be managed and the time will fly by. Some couples would kill for 4-6 weeks between meet ups!

 

I am in my early 30s and he's in his early 40s, we are about a 4 hour plane distance apart. Established careers but not something that isn't transferrable once rebuilding a network.

 

 

Thanks for your insights. We met in October, so it's been 3 months now. I think you are right, that if both parties are willing to put in time and energy (which we are, every day)... then it can work. I didn't believe it could work, but it has so far.

 

 

He's already been out here to see me since we met two times, and I am going to see him again next month. So- we've spent more than a few days together already. I can't speak for sure for him, but I know this last visit over NYE made me fall in love with him for certain. Not one day has passed since we met that we have not been in contact, so far so good.

 

 

I just get anxious thinking ahead past our next visit, is it too soon to start thinking about bridging the distance for good? Posters in my other thread in 'Dating' tell me it's unrealistic to think about moving anytime soon.

 

 

I would advise you to spend more than a few days together before either of you quits a job or moves to a new city. You can be very much in love from a distance, but physical chemistry is just as important.

 

The physical chemistry could not be any stronger. We knew that from our first meeting, and have been completely and totally intimate during our last two visits... so I already know that's there! I was never worried about that. We're in love and we have an amazing sexual chemistry too. It's worth putting in the effort!

 

 

I can see that he and I both are total romantics, so it's lending itself well to this relationship. We send each other cards, small gifts, I just sent a handwritten letter the other day. He will send me songs on Youtube, we text throughout the day, almost always have at least one phone conversation each day, it's been consistent since day one. I like the idea of sending thoughtful surprises like cards and gifts in the mail. As hard as it is being separated, the distance creates a sense of romance that may not be there if we were in the same city.

[Els]

Well... there are 'what if's in any relationship, although LDRs have more than most. In your case, with only a month between visits and him already planning to move to you, it seems perfectly doable to me. But it still depends entirely on whether BOTH of you want this badly enough to be patient and hold on through the distance.

 

In a way, it's a filter of sorts IMO. If your R was meant to be, it'd survive. I've seen some painful cases where even the truest love couldn't trump distance, but those cases were usually intercontinental LDRs where they had been trying to close the distance unsuccessfully for years due to visa issues. Visits every month, no immigration required, nothing preventing him from moving in the near future - I'd say you have it as good as an LDR gets. So I guess if your 'what ifs' come true (and they may not, the two of you might very well succeed), at least you found out the R wasn't meant to be sooner rather than later?

[Forevermore13]

Somewhat, though not completely understand how you're feeling.

I'm in the process of meeting a guy I've been talking to for 3/4 months through my job...

 

His job means he travels a lot, and gets a little bit of attention, and I worry that what we have will be lost. Though I'm not a jealous person, I think it's fair to worry that he will lose interest because we aren't often in each others presence.

 

I think you're completely justified in having some worry issues. To me, it seems clear that you care. I'm sure he's completely hooked on you and you have nothing to worry about. Don't tarnish everyone with the same brush Chin up, get on with it and get things workings they seem they will

[venusishername]

I have great news, everyone!

My LDR is turning out to be a success story!

Since I last posted, he had come to see me twice in California, I went to him for Valentine's Day. I'll be going back again in a few weeks!

 

And... our relationship has progressed significantly. I think that the visits, and every day we spend talking all this time, somehow... it worked.

The other day he said what I've been thinking all along- "I don't how we made this work...I never had much faith in long distance relationships... but I guess we just kept communicating every day and I kept pursuing you, and well... here we are, almost 6 months later!" :laugh:

It's been almost effortless (except the missing each other part).

 

Within the past month, after our Valentine's Day weekend... he has asked me if I would like to move in with him. I said I didn't think it was a good idea to live together before you already know you want to marry someone. That I don't want to live with someone again for financial reasons, or to 'test the relationship' before making a commitment. I told him I won't do that again, and I feel that I don't think it's a good idea to live with someone if you aren't sure you want to marry them. And he said, "you have a good point."

 

 

So now he's asking me if I would live with him if he proposed!!

So- I think he's definitely thinking about it, it's obviously on his mind, the man offered me to live with him, which is obviously a huge step forward!!

He says he doesn't like the distance, that he's trying to figure out a way we can close it. His solution is living together.

 

 

He knows where I stand on it, and I am very firm. I won't budge, even though he has tried to sweeten the deal and appeal to me. I think my boundaries and my holding firm in my opinion just might get me a proposal. I don't think it's gonna happen in a few weeks when I'm there... but I think it could be in the near future.

 

I'll be sure to update. I don't go back there until April, so it will be some time.

[justwhoiam]

I thought you wanted him to move to California. How would you feel living in New Orleans forever? I might be wrong, but the two places look like two worlds apart. Are you ready for such a move and not looking back, feeling nostalgic about California?

[Popsicle]

Forgive me for saying this, but your goal should not be to get a proposal. Your goal should be to get to know each other and fall in love.

 

And my opinion is that you definitely shouldn't move in with someone if you are not legally married.

 

What's wrong with one of you's moving to the others city and getting your own place?

[LydiaLong]

It sounds to me like you are too eager to merge into one city. It's a huge life step for one of you to pick up and move across the country based on what is most assuredly the 'infatuation' stage of your relationship. Time is the best test for a relationship. I would slow down and let nature take its course, despite how 'amazing' you think everything is.

[justwhoiam]

What's wrong with one of you's moving to the others city and getting your own place?

Losing one's job? I'm not sure about home, but if she's renting an apartment, she might also have to go on paying while she's not there or lose the apartment.......

[venusishername]

Forgive me for saying this, but your goal should not be to get a proposal. Your goal should be to get to know each other and fall in love.

 

And my opinion is that you definitely shouldn't move in with someone if you are not legally married.

 

What's wrong with one of you's moving to the others city and getting your own place?

Popsicle- I like your avatar

Well, we HAVE been getting to know each other and we already DID fall in love! Now the topic of taking it to the next level has come up, I'm really excited about it! I think it's a good idea for some more time, but we already decided we are 'in' this.

And- I became really old-fashioned after my last long term relationship.

I won't live with him unless I have a ring and a wedding date.

 

 

There's nothing wrong at all with living in the same city but having our own place. I have thought about it, and we have both looked into the job prospects (casually). If I were to move there, I couldn't leave here until at least until October, when my current lease is up. For him, it is less of an easy move when he's got a house to take care of and has kids there. It would be possible.... I dunno... but I don't see that will be the progression for us. I think if we make a big move like that, it would be almost as big of a step as a proposal anyway. I live in CA, he's in New Orleans. That's really a big move for either of us. For that reason...

 

 

I will NOT move to his city, even if I got my own place, UNLESS he proposed. It would take that much to get me out of CA and give up my good job, great apartment, and my roots. I'm non-negotiable on those terms. So- he's either going to have to come here and get his own place, or he's gonna have to put a ring on it.

[Popsicle]

Venus, hi!

 

Okay, well, if you're up for the adventure then go for it! I won't try to discourage you.