Abuse???

[wing81]

Me and my spouse have been having issues and a lot of it seems related to communication. I avoid confrontation and have a problem saying no or discussing difficult topics, ie finances, child rearing. We have been going to conseling for the past 6 month but even the therapist noticed we are making little progress. I have tried to be more understanding of everyone, got put on antidepressants, been to more doctors appointments with kids, and helped more around the house. This does not seem to have made my spouse feel better, i am still called a loser, despicable, coward, etc. It doesnt seem like anything is enough. I know i am not perfect and have my own assertiveness issues and whatever else but more than willing to do what i need to do to keep family. My spouse on the other hand seems to keep the blame and pressure on me. Think we made somewhat of a break through when our therapist called wife a bully. I have tried to make everything right to be with kids asuch as possible. It hit me the other night when i was dropping her off with friends and she told me "I love you more than anyone i have before but you need to change, if you dont i will knock your teeth out. If i cant hurt you with my fists i will find another way." Things became much more clear but not sure what to do. I am not sure it could be more cliche if she said "i love you, dontake me hurt you". I am very confused and not sure what to do. I already know she will manipulaye any situation and has said she is more than willing to file false reports but cant be without our children. I have no idea where to go from here and know the stress and anxiety over this is slowly killing me. Any thoughts, suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[bathtub-row]

Yes, this is abuse.

 

I had an abusive husband. Examples of some of my sins: 1) both of my parents were in different hospitals at the same time. They died within two weeks, 8 days apart. While I was dealing with this nightmare, my ex was completely horrible to me. 2) I once had walking pneumonia and this also angered him. 3) I didn't cut the butter exactly right. 4) ...and the list goes on.

 

Abusers can only think of themselves. I know that you love your kids so the answer isn't easy. Her comment should definitely be brought up to your therapist. It would be the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

 

The sad news is, abusers don't change. So you have a choice to make. Either stay or leave. If you leave, you will still be able to see your kids. You can even stipulate that she can't move out of town with the kids. There are things you can do but she will make your life a living hell during the process. The other option is to move very far from her and see your kids when you can; or you can fight for custody of your kids. All of those things are options. The only wild card is her. She is controlling the situation through fear -- if you leave, she could go off the deep end and who knows what crazy people like her are capable of.

 

Personally I think people like this deserve to lose everything. I have zero empathy for them.

[Lois_Griffin]

More than abuse, this is such a blatant case of pure disrespect. She sees you as weak and effeminate. A puppet who'll do her bidding. She doesn't see you as a man at all.

 

You sound like the "yes dear" type when she barks orders at you.

 

You're so damned busy running around like a trained seal doing whatever you can in the desperate hope of getting a pat on the head from her that it just makes you look sad and pathetic to her.

 

Please just stop. I'm cringing FOR you.

[Miss Peach]

Men can be abused too, as in messed around mentally and emotionally. It tends to be more rare than a man is physically intimidated by the woman.

 

Abuse or not this sounds like disrespect. To save the marriage she shouldn't be acting like that. You need to assert the boundary it's not OK to do that.

 

A lot of the stuff you posted sounds like borderline personality disorder or something similar. Not saying she has a personality disorder but she might have a lot of the behaviors. It's actually something that is more common with women and some of the behaviors you mentioned sounded similar.

 

Personally I don't find it helpful to label people, blame a diagnosis, etc. but wanted to post about BPD just because it might how you mentally understand what could be happening. I hadn't heard of it before getting into a similar situation.