fOW, then gf... now ex. Need support, want to die every day. [Very Long story.]

[Rocci di Persia]

Hi everyone! I have been a long time lurker of LS but I can’t stay silent anymore. I really need some help/support. I’ll try to keep it brief but my story is long. If you end up reading all of it, I sincerely thank you for your time and effort.

 

I started a relationship with a co-worker (from a different department) two years ago at my old firm. He was already in a long term relationship (7 years) and recently engaged. I am 29, he is 32, and his fiancée is 30 or 31. We were introduced by a mutual friend who is much older who worked on his floor and we used to hang out altogether but then the third friend started distancing herself so we were left alone. We started having coffee together every lunch time and talked about our lives. He was much more reserved when I first met him but he immediately opened up to me. Every now and then he would occasionally bring up his fiancée but it was never in a positive light, how she was very unsupportive of his hobbies/interests. He also told me that during the time when was trying to cope with his father’s cancer and then the grief afterwards, she was absolutely useless and scared.

 

From there our time extended to chatting on IM and I began to be aware of the frequency of those seemingly innocent chats outside of work. Then came one night when his fiancée was out for the night and he called me and we had a long talk until the early hours of the morning and I had to notify him of what time it was because he had completely lost track of time. I was surprised that his fiancée was still not at home at that time. Apparently she often went out on Friday/weekend nights to play mah-jong with friends.

 

After that he told me he thought the frequency of our chats on IM during work and outside of work was not good and it was definitely not good for his relationship with his fiancée. He told me he had feelings for me and asked me what I thought. Up to that point I had felt no attraction towards him but it was like the minute he confessed, he looked different. I told him it wouldn’t be a problem because at the time I really didn’t think it would be. It’s just a crush and he didn’t really know me. I was wrong and I definitely felt attached to him so we stopped talking and hanging out. We both started feeling sick about it so I asked him to meet me so we could talk about how to stop everything. Somehow that meeting became a dinner date and we talked about everything but stopping seeing each other. Then he insisted on driving me home because it was late. Before he dropped me off at my house, he parked aside in a nearby park and he proceeded to tell me something he has never told anyone else before in relation to the time when his estranged father passed away (which was two years ago). I asked him why he would reveal such an intimate secret to me and he told me he felt like he could trust me. After that we unconsciously began a routine where we had breakfast together before work, lunch, and then hung out for coffee after work before parting ways to go home. Then on Friday nights, because his fiancée was playing mah-jong, we went out for dinner dates that eventually ended in sleeping together. We were not intimate for two months because neither of us were sure of what was happening. Over time he started telling me he wanted to us to try being closer, i.e. be intimate. He had also stopped being intimate with her (or so he told me) and she was getting suspicious.

 

Then around the end of 2013, he told me he couldn’t do this anymore and that he was getting pressured by her and family to get married by early next year. He had been with his fiancée for 7 years and he felt he owed her. He admitted he should have broken up with her years ago but settled. He used to work in the middle of nowhere and knew no one and she was the only person he would hang out with on weekends. They had only started living together about more than a year ago. He first purchased the house but then her name was added to the title. After he changed jobs and joined our firm in the city, he began to realise how sheltered he was in more ways than one. He told me he thought I was the best friend he ever had and he thought I was his soul mate. I agreed to ending things by Christmas and we broke up. I was devastated and suffered severe anxiety and claustrophobia for the first time and had to start sleeping in the same bed as my sister. I was in NC but two weeks in, he started messaging me random breadcrumbs and then he called me and he sounded distraught. He wanted to know if I loved him and why. He told me he was having a hard time and he knew he shouldn’t be calling me. We slowly started establishing contact after that. I didn’t want to see him for a long time but he called every day and by the time we were returning to work, we were back together again. This went on for a while until Valentine’s Day 2014, when I couldn’t stand it anymore and left with friends for a long weekend away. On the way back I told him we should break up and he agreed. When I got home, he called me again sounding distraught. He told me his fiancée had found solid proof we had been together and she was going crazy. He kept saying he had lost everything. She was threatening to tell everyone and had called his best friend and his girlfriend to their house to stage some kind of intervention. I bumped into him after the weekend and he was cold and angry. He told me that she had forgiven him and they were going to stay together. I asked if he was ever going to speak to me again and he said he couldn’t and I should just forget it.

 

We didn’t see or speak to each other for almost a month after that. I was on the verge of losing my job but managed to secure a new job shortly in another firm. I was telling a colleague from his department outside work one afternoon and we saw him exiting work. This was the first time we had seen each other. His colleague asked him if he wanted to know what was happening with me but he said no and ran off which his colleague thought was weird because for all appearances we are inseparable like best friends at work. That night I get a text message from him saying he knew this was late but he wanted to apologise for how everything went down. I was so surprised I called him. He told me that his life since was miserable because his fiancée was monitoring him all the time. She told him to change jobs and sell his car. I told him I was leaving the firm. We started talking again after that and by the time I started my new job, we were together again.

 

During this time his fiancée left him a few times. The first time she left a letter saying that she knew it was too late and she had taken him for granted. She came back after a day and pretended as if nothing happened. The second time she left for 2-3 days and when she returned she told him that it was her house too. Both times he told me her actions made him feel suffocated and sick. She told him she was giving him space to decide but would then harass him on text asking if he had decided after a day’s time. She even called his mother to ask if she had spoken to him. His mother ended up telling him that she wasn’t listening to anything so he should ignore her texts.

 

I had no idea what I was doing. I wanted a future with him but I didn’t know how. He told me he couldn’t see how he could leave her when she owned the house with him. He didn’t have the money to buy her out and she definitely does not. She makes a pittance as a bank teller and is very unambitious. He in contrast is incredibly ambitious, as am I. She is dependent on him for everything. She is not literate and mainly speaks Cantonese. He pays all the bills and she relies on him to drive her everywhere. He described her as simple, emotional, naïve and although she was nice she was prone to constant temper tantrums where she would stamp her feet, drum her fists against his chest, and slam doors. He also told me he felt it was difficult because both his family and hers expected them to marry and soon. Neither families have ever met. She pressured him to propose because she said she was getting old but ever since their engagement they have not started planning a wedding. They have pre-wedding photos though which I inadvertently saw once and it made me feel so ill.

 

I told him I would just view our relationship as something casual but I knew the minute I said it that it wasn’t true. I was in love with him. I had not been in a relationship for many years since high school and he was one of my many firsts, including being the first person I ever loved. I tried leaving him and even gave him an ultimatum once which I thought I would stick to (move out and break up with her or we’re over). He ended up blowing up my phone with texts and calls until I couldn’t stand it anymore.

 

Things changed anyway when she started having an affair with a married man and even took him home to their house, although she later claimed nothing happened and that they were only kissing and hugging. He wanted to pack up and leave immediately when he found out but I told him to stay longer because I wasn’t sure if it was something platonic. It obviously wasn’t because she would purposely invite the man over on her days off and later admitted she convinced him to take days off work. He was also dropping her off quite often. When he finally confronted her about it, she lied at first and then blamed him saying he drove her to do it, that she didn’t even really like the man. He told her he would tell the wife and she said the wife already knew. He packed up some of his clothes and belongings and moved to his mother’s where he stayed up to now. He told his mother and sister that she was cheating on him but also admitted he had cheated too, leaving out that the other man was married because it would upset his mother. One night she managed to convince his best friend’s girlfriend to stalk us in her car and she almost drove all the way to my house. After that she seemed to want to start settling the house and wanted to know how much he would owe her. She even came up with a ridiculous sum but was rejected. I don’t know of any further talks about the house than this. He told me he was handling it whenever I asked, which was rarely because I didn’t want to nag.

 

It was hard for him living at his mother’s because she isn’t easy to get along with and he was often frustrated. When I went over to her house one day I realised he was practically living out of a suitcase. In May 2015, he broke up with me abruptly in the afternoon. He told me his ex had been sending him texts threatening to ruin his life, tell all his friends and family about what he did. He said he could not handle her and me. I was absolutely devastated and we didn’t speak for a month. I always go NC right away and a month later he tried to text me, followed by a long letter full of memories, how I changed him, and how he loves me. I broke NC the next day to call him and it turns out he had been waiting in my firm’s foyer all week trying to catch me and even a few times tried to follow me when I left work. We reconciled and things were better than they had ever been, because we were finally “free”.

 

Then a couple of months ago his grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer. His father passed away from something similar three years ago but they were estranged. His grandfather is the only prominent father figure in his life so since the diagnosis he became depressed. He also hated his job at the same firm I originally left. I tried my best to support him and even helped him update his resume. I tried to encourage him to start applying for other jobs and I did my best to elevate his spirits despite everything happening. He is the only person in the family who speaks fluent English so he was in charge of overseeing his grandfather’s hospital visits and care, which he did on his one day off work every week. He also went back to his house on that day to do maintenance and would sometimes go there on weekends as all his other belongings were still there. He works in IT and he needs to use his computer, granted he uses his laptop for most things but sometimes it’s difficult. She would sometimes be at home and he told me they occasionally spoke. I thought nothing of it and I trusted him.

 

Three months ago, on a day off, I had heard nothing from him all day so I sent him a tentative text saying hello and he told me he was busy and would speak to me later that night. At around 10pm that night I finally heard from him and he told me over IM chat we couldn’t see each other anymore. His family was worried about him and that he hadn’t settled down. He said he felt what we were doing was wrong and he felt sick. He still felt like he owed his ex and he had a “duty” towards her, i.e. marry her. I didn’t know where any of this was coming from. I told him I felt so hurt that I wasn’t good enough after all this time, had to tried to support him through everything, and I couldn’t understand any of what he was saying because he was no longer with her and she was already involved with someone else. He said he wasn’t sure if she was with the other man. He said he was very sorry but he didn’t think explaining it any further would help. I told him to tell me the truth and he said he didn’t think he loved me. I asked him if he was moving back straight away and he said it wasn’t like that. He needed time and he had not spoken to her about this. I told him I couldn’t believe he was getting back into that with her after everything she did and he said it was stupid, wasn’t it. He told me I was the best friend he ever had and his soul mate again. The day before we had a nice dinner date after work and slept together. I sensed nothing wrong but I guess according to everything I’ve read here, he was probably checking out a lot earlier already.

 

I went into NC straight away but after we broke up, which was the night before a long weekend (as if he planned it all), I bumped into him by accident after the weekend at a street corner near work. It was probably the last place I expected to see him. He literally pulled me suddenly out of a crowd into a little alcove and I was so startled. He said he saw me and wanted to tell me he would be returning my magazine to the library. I told him not to bother and that I would return it myself but he refused to give me the magazine saying he wanted to read it a little longer. He was acting weirdly possessive. He said he was meeting an old friend. I then tried to walk off but he start walking beside me and starting asking what I had done at lunch, talking about how he was just on the phone with the hospital. I cut him off and I said this wasn’t good, I couldn’t do this, talk to him. He could see I was uncomfortable and he asked if I wanted him to cross the road. I couldn’t say anything. He said my lip was trembling. We kept walking until we got to the traffic lights and then we went separate ways. Out of the corner of my eye I could see he was looking at me and he watched me walk away. That was the last time I ever saw or heard from him.

 

I have been in over 90 days NC since. After four weeks I had a random call around 4am on Whatsapp but he knows I have a DND instigated on my phone. Ever since I have had intermittent random likes on Instagram that were immediately removed after. I have since made my account private. We are not FB friends. He removed me the first time we split so she could not look for me. It’s been three months but I feel worse. I have never done NC for this long. I wake up every day and I feel like I want to kill myself. I am 98% sure they are back together. I have not stalked their social media but I did find out through something similar recently and it has taught me never to look for anything remotely like it again.

 

I know the best thing is to continue NC but I find the silence every day to be excruciating. We spoke from morning till night every day. We even texted during work about work, the news, our shared interests. I miss my best friend but I know I can’t go back to that ever again. I could never be the OW again and in that triangle. I also feel that because he hasn’t caved and reached out like he did in the past that he is making this a permanent decision this time so I don’t even thinking getting back together again is an option at all. He clearly did a cost/benefit analysis some time ago and now is sticking to that decision.

 

I suffer physical symptoms: anxiety (in first two months), insomnia and perpetual dry heaving. I cry almost every day at some interval. I try to eat (appetite has weaned last few days), sleep as much as I can (I wake up in the middle of the night almost every night). I have also been going out a lot more and spending time with friends and family, but I have always been an introvert so I can't keep it up. I have told friends and family what has happened but I don’t feel like I can talk about it with them anymore the longer I am like this. I feel like they are probably sick of it and I am sure some judged me for what I did. I am faking it at work but I am making mistakes and I used to like my job but now I don’t care about anything. I feel like quitting every day. I was also supposed to enrol in a Masters course this year which would have furthered my career prospects and I was quite excited/anxious about it but now feel I no longer care about it anymore.

 

I am not sure what I am after from you all but any similar experience or perspective would be very welcome. I also would appreciate tips for coping long-term. Thanks for reading!

Edited January 7, 2016 by Rocci di Persia

[bathtub-row]

No matter what he tells you, his actions are speaking louder than his words. There is some deep connection or obligation that he feels toward his fiancé that overrides what he feels for you. It's probably true that he loves you as much as he said he did but the mistake you're making is thinking that love will trump everything and, for most men, it does not. They simply do not give love the same importance that women do, and this is what trips us women up every time.

 

The things that typically come first for men are: responsibility, money, reputation, and family. That's why men tend to cheat instead of leaving a bad relationship. In this case, regardless of what he's telling you, he feels a very strong sense of obligation toward his fiancé. In other words, his history with her is more relevant than his feelings for you.

 

And, btw, would you really want him back after he has hurt you as much as he has? I used to be completely crazy about xMM but, looking back, I doubt that I could ever forget how much pain he caused me. These relationships are very, very hurtful and I'm sorry you're in so much pain. But you must keep in mind that you will get better and you will stop feeling this way. You have to trust that.

[Rocci di Persia]

Thank you, bathtub! Everything you said makes sense. That hierarchy of importance you list seems quite accurate. I always felt love was never enough for him to overcome everything.

[LimeBlue]

The things that typically come first for men are: responsibility, money, reputation, and family. That's why men tend to cheat instead of leaving a bad relationship. In this case, regardless of what he's telling you, he feels a very strong sense of obligation toward his fiancé. In other words, his history with her is more relevant than his feelings for you.

 

Excellent post bathtub. The order of importance you noted is very true for men. That is why MM never leave, including my own husband when he met someone.

[BeautifulIdiot]

In other words, his history with her is more relevant than his feelings for you.

 

This. Just this.

[cocorico]

Excellent post bathtub. The order of importance you noted is very true for men. That is why MM never leave, including my own husband when he met someone.

 

*Some* MM never leave. Others clearly do. Not everyone shares the same values, or the same order of priorities.

[cocorico]

I went into NC straight away but after we broke up, which was the night before a long weekend (as if he planned it all), I bumped into him by accident after the weekend at a street corner near work. It was probably the last place I expected to see him. He literally pulled me suddenly out of a crowd into a little alcove and I was so startled. He said he saw me and wanted to tell me he would be returning my magazine to the library. I told him not to bother and that I would return it myself but he refused to give me the magazine saying he wanted to read it a little longer. He was acting weirdly possessive. He said he was meeting an old friend. I then tried to walk off but he start walking beside me and starting asking what I had done at lunch, talking about how he was just on the phone with the hospital. I cut him off and I said this wasn’t good, I couldn’t do this, talk to him. He could see I was uncomfortable and he asked if I wanted him to cross the road. I couldn’t say anything. He said my lip was trembling. We kept walking until we got to the traffic lights and then we went separate ways. Out of the corner of my eye I could see he was looking at me and he watched me walk away. That was the last time I ever saw or heard from him.

 

 

I am not seeing what you got from the R. This guy strikes me as a user. He has a needy fiancée, so he's in giving mode with her, and was using you to refill his own batteries.

 

He needs support - he calls you.

 

He gives to her, he takes from you.

 

Are you happy to be his source, so that he can sustain his R with her? Because, once she's sucked him dry again (or the next personal crisis hits him) he'll be back for more "support". That's his pattern.

 

Who is giving, to you? Where have you been getting support etc to counteract the vampiric R you've been having with him? Would you not rather have a R that involves both parties giving and taking with each other, instead of always you giving and him taking?

 

No wonder you feel so low now - he has sucked you dry and you have no resources left to take care of yourself.

 

Please purge this emotional vampire from your life, and find someone who can give to you as well as just wanting from you.

[Rocci di Persia]

I am not seeing what you got from the R. This guy strikes me as a user. He has a needy fiancée, so he's in giving mode with her, and was using you to refill his own batteries.

 

He needs support - he calls you.

 

He gives to her, he takes from you.

 

Are you happy to be his source, so that he can sustain his R with her? Because, once she's sucked him dry again (or the next personal crisis hits him) he'll be back for more "support". That's his pattern.

 

Who is giving, to you? Where have you been getting support etc to counteract the vampiric R you've been having with him? Would you not rather have a R that involves both parties giving and taking with each other, instead of always you giving and him taking?

 

No wonder you feel so low now - he has sucked you dry and you have no resources left to take care of yourself.

 

Please purge this emotional vampire from your life, and find someone who can give to you as well as just wanting from you.

 

Thanks for reading and commenting, cocorico. I agree with you. This is why I appreciate all your objective words. I think I am finally ready to hear it.

 

You're not the first to point out the vampirism to me. I had a close friend tell me it was clear I was beneficial for him but he was terrible for me. I am inexperienced with relationships so finding someone who can reciprocate in equal measure is definitely something I have learnt to seek in the future.

 

I sometimes think I would not have originally engaged in the A at all had I not at the time we met gone through something I thought was one of the worst things to happen to me at the time (until the A). Up to that point in time all I cared about was my career and I had recently returned to the head office after finishing a secondment in another office and the firm left me no choice but to accept a demotion. It was humiliating on a large scale and everyone in the firm knew about it. I left for the secondment as a shining star in the ranks and returned to a pleb position. That's a long story in itself. When I met him I was in deep depression as a result. He comforted me, listened to me and helped me bounce back. There was also a significant bullying incident at work and everyone told me to suck it up but he was the only one who was angry for me and told me I had to stick up for myself, and I did, and it still to this day is one of my proudest moments.

 

I am a very reserved person, I have had walls up for years and this has prevented me from engaging in any real relationships. He is the first person who made me feel like I could open up and reveal who I really am. He understood me better than anyone I have known. He pointed things out to me about myself that I did not know about myself.

 

Since changing jobs, I had less complaints about my life, and since we broke up it has become increasingly clear to me that he shared so much of his frustration and stress with me that his problems became my problems. This is one thing I do not miss at all! She can deal with all that now! He told me once that it was hard talking to her because she has a short attention span and her eyes would often glaze over. She also did not understand the meaning of words like "hijack" even when he translated it to Cantonese for her.

 

I actually know what the next personal crisis will be: when his grandfather passes away. He has already told me that the prognosis so far is not looking hopeful and his family members are already making funeral and burial arrangements. She was crap at comforting and support the first time round when his father died and I expect no different this time.

[Rocci di Persia]

I had support from a few friends but their advice was to end it if I could. One actively convinced me to give the ultimatum and leave. Then when he moved out and it looked like we were getting somewhere they were more hopeful that maybe this mess could have some kind of happy ending for me but I don't think any of us really believed it. It was too messy, he just wouldn't sell the house, and she would not settle or move out. Every time we broke up they were there to try to put me back together but I know I have been fast exhausting their patience. Eventually I stopped talking about it except to my female best friend of many years.

[sandylee1]

Unfortunately he can't seem to break things off with his GF no matter what goes on. Their relationship sounds very depressing quite frankly. .. but whatever reason he chooses to stay with her.

 

It's a shame he isn't man enough to break things off and get married to her despite whatever family pressures there may be. Nobody is holding a gun to his head.. although 7 years is a very long courtship .... so there could be expectations and her family could think he has messed her around the whole time.

 

That said.. they can't force him......They can sort out the house if they want to . Sell it and split the proceeds.

 

He chooses to live in misery. ...but you can have a brighter future without all this drama.

[Rocci di Persia]

I don't think there was too much pressure from her family. She is one of the youngest in a very large family that live on the other side of town and they barely care what she is up to. His mother was concerned he wasn't settled, but the most pressure came from her. To get engaged in the first place, to start planning the wedding (she could have started that herself but it seems like she was waiting for him to plan the wedding). She told him he had wasted her time. She was furious with him and was on a few occasions physically violent because he was questioning whether they should get married. She would hit him, stamp her feet and slam doors. She knew he didn't want to marry her.

 

After he moved out and she started the affair with the married man, she told him that the married man had told her he was willing to divorce his wife and marry her. She also often belittled him during their relationship and would say things like "look at you, who would want you" and afterwards she would tell him how the married man was so much better than he was because he did things like cook her breakfast and was better at saving money. She once told him that the financial arrangement between them was not working out and that he should find a higher paying job but would do nothing about furthering her own career as a bank teller. Last I heard she was forced to start training as a personal banker because most banks are filtering out tellers to be replaced with machines. She was asked if she wanted to advance her career several times over the years but she refused.

 

I have felt guilt over my involvement but it has lessened over time because she is so horrible. Especially after she had the affair to get back at him introducing further parties into the mix. I feel sorry for the married man's wife and from what I know their marriage is virtually over.

 

I think the stupidest thing he ever said to me was that he thought he had more to lose than I did and he thought it was probably better to marry her and then divorce her later on. She also told him that she would not give up the house because she didn't want me to have it. (I have assets of my own that I worked hard for and I have no interest in staking claim on that house!)

 

Anyway, I just want to know how to cope and move on. My friends and family tell me I should start feeling mad about how he hurt me, but I just feel a void inside.

[Ms. Faust]

Are you from the same cultural background as him?

[Rocci di Persia]

Yes. He is Chinese (Cantonese) and I am Chinese. We were both born overseas but raised in Australia. She was born in Vietnam and she grew up in Australia like us but she doesn't speak fluent English and he tells me even her Cantonese is often broken. She does not speak Vietnamese nor does she identify herself as Vietnamese but her older siblings only speak Vietnamese. The reason she managed to secure her bank teller job at all is because the branch she works in happens to be heavily populated by Cantonese speaking citizens, like Chinatown, and they required someone who could communicate in both Cantonese and English. I have heard her on the phone before and although she will speak English she will always quickly revert to Cantonese.

 

I have very westernised values having grown up in Australia since the age of 5. I barely speak Chinese Mandarin let alone understand traditional Chinese cultural values. He has a few traditional cultural values instilled in him by his mother, including believing that you are old if you marry beyond the age of 30. I think it's rubbish but I did read somewhere once that in Cantonese culture women who have not married beyond the age of 30 are referred to as "leftovers". Since meeting me, he had admitted he has changed his entire perspective on his cultural values, not that it appears to have a made difference.

[MusicGirl]

I cannot give you long term advice but I can tell you I am in a very similar situation and feel exactly the same as you. Knowing we're not alone helps...because if we're not alone, then there must be a future that is not living in the sorrow after being the OW then abandoned.

[MusicGirl]

Not to say that this man did not have very real feelings for you, it seems that it was so that your connection was very real, but it does seem like you became a pawn in the game of their very unhealthy relationship.

[CherryVanilla]

Wow, girl, I can imagine how you feel. I could hug you right now.

 

This guy is complex, problematic, bizarre I would say. I think that if his relationship with his fiancée is that horrible he should have split a long time ago, yet he is still with her, playing with her feelings and playing with yours as well. He may seem insecure, the poor guy who can't make up his mind but in the end I just see him as a super selfish person, like most cheaters are. Don't forget what he is - a cheater. Which means that, if you ever ended up together, he could very well cheat on you one day. People seldom change, and when they're as complex as this guy, they basically never change.

 

I believe that things happen when they're meant to happen, and if something or someone is really meant to stay in our lives, things will be smooth, easy, simple. Look at your story. Looks like a novel. You have been suffering for someone who is NOT available. This is not meant to be yours ,this drama, suffering, sadness. Pay attention to the signs life is giving you.

 

When you finally understand true love must bring us happiness and not suffering - you will understand this was never true love, and then you will overcome this. Best of luck!

[Rocci di Persia]

Thank you, MusicGirl! You are right. It feels good to know I am not alone. I obviously would not wish this upon anyone. I have read your story and I am very sorry you went through all of that. I will comment separately on your thread.

 

I am sure my story is not original and quite derivative. I don't think he intentionally set out to use me like a pawn the way she used the married man as one against him. He would have been in his early 20's when they first got together and I know most men at that age are looking for something pretty and fun. It's only now that he is in his 30's and having to face settling down and starting a family that he realised they were not compatible at all but he had been with her for too many years. He told me that he had never experienced anything like what we had. I have also been with him for long enough to know this is not a product of a honeymoon period. For a long time and even sometimes now, I thought and think I will never feel that way again with anyone, but I learnt that those qualities he awoke in me are all mine and I can be those things without him.

[Rocci di Persia]

Wow, girl, I can imagine how you feel. I could hug you right now.

 

This guy is complex, problematic, bizarre I would say. I think that if his relationship with his fiancée is that horrible he should have split a long time ago, yet he is still with her, playing with her feelings and playing with yours as well. He may seem insecure, the poor guy who can't make up his mind but in the end I just see him as a super selfish person, like most cheaters are. Don't forget what he is - a cheater. Which means that, if you ever ended up together, he could very well cheat on you one day. People seldom change, and when they're as complex as this guy, they basically never change.

 

I believe that things happen when they're meant to happen, and if something or someone is really meant to stay in our lives, things will be smooth, easy, simple. Look at your story. Looks like a novel. You have been suffering for someone who is NOT available. This is not meant to be yours ,this drama, suffering, sadness. Pay attention to the signs life is giving you.

 

When you finally understand true love must bring us happiness and not suffering - you will understand this was never true love, and then you will overcome this. Best of luck!

 

Thanks, CherryVanilla, for reading and your thoughts! I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater and I never felt he would have cheated on me later on if we had ended up together but I am also not naive. You are very right. People rarely change and for men after the age of 30 the person he is now is going to be who he is going forward with very little development.

 

He is actually very complex! When I first met him he projected this really average and happy-go-lucky person but when he finally opened up to me he was very serious, multifaceted and talented but he never showed his true self because he said no one would appreciate it. Once he started confiding in me, he wouldn't stop and he would tell me anything and everything. He told me it was such a relief to have someone like me in his life that he could talk to. I joked to my friend who is training to be a psychologist that maybe he didn't really love me and this was transference!