Would you sacrifice your own financial security for your parents security?

[hildagnome]

My mother has asked me to take out a substantial loan to help her get an apartment. She has promised to make all the repayments which I have no doubt that she will do.

 

While I have no doubt that she will make the repayments my issues are these:

 

I will be unable to get a mortgage for at least 5 years myself because of this, therefore meaning I will not be able to purchase my own home. I am currently in a position to buy my own apartment IF I do not take a loan out for her. Also, in the meantime I will be paying rent, more than I would be if I were to buy my own place meaning I will not be able to save much at all.

 

I tried to make a deal with my mom, telling her that I would be willing to do this if the property were secure for my own retirement. I figured that would mean sacrificing my own current financial security but at least I know my future is taken care of. She has objected to this claiming that if she wants to sell the property and move to and I quote 'a kibbutz' and live off the money, then she should be able to do that. In her head she is making the contributions and all I am doing is signing a piece of paper so I am being selfish and greedy and trying to take what is hers. There is no acknowledgement that in signing this piece of paper then I am sacrificing my own financial security. Her line on all of this is that she needs financial security (financial security that she then wants the right to throw in the trash ?????????) and that I have plenty of time. That I will get a husband at some point and then we can get a mortgage together. However, I have not got a husband and should I sacrifice my own security on the possiblity that I will be able to get a mortgage and a home IF I meet a guy?

 

On the flip side, she has a point. This is probably her one and only chance to get a home of her own (she has made not stupid but not great financial decisions in the past meaning she is now in this position). I do have more of a possibility than her to get my own apartment if I take out this loan. I can work overseas for a while to get more money, I guess I can wait til I meet someone and get a joint mortgage etc etc.

 

It would be good if she was financially secure and that would be a weight off my mind. I think it is unlikely that she will sell up and move to kibbutz but who knows.

 

I have two things going on in my head here, I am resentful that I will not be able to buy my own property for 5 years and I am also resentful that she just CANNOT see that I am sacrificing something here even though I have sat her down and spelled it out in clear letters. She thinks I'm just presenting this argument to be greedy and to get her property before she dies and quite honestly just sees it as me signing a piece of paper that will have no impact on my life.

 

Would you guys sacrifice what you want and your own security for a parents?

[BluEyeL]

Yeah, honestly, I wouldn't do it. Even if she broke contact with me.

[road]

Tell your mom no for you can not afford to.

[pro100pk2]

Yes, absolutely

[d0nnivain]

If your mother needs shelter, I would buy a two family home or something with an in-law suite, keep it in your name & let mom live there. You solve both problems -- you give your mom a place to live & you build your credit.

 

 

Another option could be you buy your mom's house but keep it in your name & have her pay you rent.

 

 

If you are feeling particularly generous talk to a lawyer about creating a life estate for her. It's a thing where you own the property but you can't sell it out from underneath her. She'd have to agree if you wanted to sell. If she was unreasonable in withholding her agreement, you could seek a court order for partition where a judge would order the sale under certain circumstances.

[losangelena]

I think d0nnivain gives some great advice.

 

I am troubled by the fact that your mom is guilt-tripping you about this. It's one thing to ask, it's another to give you a hard time after you express reservations. She's your mother, she should want you to thrive, not put your life on hold for her benefit.

 

Is there any other solution to her problem besides this scenario? Does she work? If she's retired, does she get a pension? What about savings?

[GunslingerRoland]

No, I would never ever take out a loan to buy someone else a home.

 

 

Do you realize how dangerous it is to buy a place when you are broke. What happens if she moves in and 6 months later they have a special assessment upwards of $10K? Trust me it's happened to a lot of people I know who live in condos. If it was a house, same thing unexpected expenses can and will happen all the time.

 

 

No one needs to own a home (and she won't own it anyway you will). Help her find a nice place to rent that she can afford. Go ahead and help her with the security deposit and moving expenses if you want/need to. But do not put her mortgage under your name.

 

 

Also since you want to buy an apartment some day too, really learn about the risks of buying apartments/condos. I would NEVER ever do it personally. Low reward, high risk.

[SoleMate]

That's a H#!! NO!! Do not give your assets away, or sign your credit away, to your mom. Especially when she's being so rude, unreasonable and manipulative. Obviously no bank or financial institution will fund her (right?), or she would rather have a soft obligation to her child that she can easily ignore, compared to a hard obligation from the Bank of You-Have-To-Pay-Us-Back. Unbelievable.

[Tayla]

Sure would!

[BettyDraper]

That's a H#!! NO!! Do not give your assets away, or sign your credit away, to your mom. Especially when she's being so rude, unreasonable and manipulative. Obviously no bank or financial institution will fund her (right?), or she would rather have a soft obligation to her child that she can easily ignore, compared to a hard obligation from the Bank of You-Have-To-Pay-Us-Back. Unbelievable.

 

This. Rude and manipulative parents do not deserve help.

My mother used to be VERY demanding when it came to money and gifts.

I had to put my foot down because her demands were childish and narcissistic.

People should help their family if they can...but only when that family is responsible and appreciative. The OP's mother has neither one of those attributes.

[anika99]

That is a tough one. I think if my mom asked this of me and I knew I could trust her to make the payments I would consider doing it, but it is a lot to ask of someone so I wouldn't fault you for opting not to do it. On the other hand I don't blame your mom for not accepting your offer to take out the loan but she makes the mortgage payments while you own the property. That doesn't make any sense. If you do it that way she is still a renter and she has no security. There may come a time in her life where she will need to move into an assisted living facility or a nursing homes. Halfway decent nursing homes are very expensive and if she owned her own home, selling it or renting it out could help with those costs. However dOnnivain did make some good suggestions.

 

You are not obligated to do this and you shouldn't let yourself be guilted into doing it. Only do it if you want to.

[bathtub-row]

Your mom has no right to manipulate you in such a way. Asking someone to purchase property for them is a huge request. Even if you had millions, no one has the right to tell you how to spend your money. Of course, if you had millions, most people would willingly help out their parents. But my point is, it's your money and it's no one else's business.

 

The best I would do is buy a property that has a separate space where your mom could live. And I agree with the other poster about buying apartments. They're risky, unless they're the norm where you live.

 

If your mom isn't agreeable to living on the property with you, or if you're not interested in that situation, then your mom needs to accept that. The truth is, owning property is a big responsibility, whereas renting takes all that responsibility off of a person. The landlord pays for repairs, etc. I personally don't think your mom is responsible enough to handle ownership, which means that you would very likely get stuck with repairs, too.

 

My biggest concern is that because your mom displays this entitlement mentality, if she becomes unable to make the payments, she will have no problem putting that responsibility on you.

 

Everything about this situation spells trouble for you. Please be careful about letting her manipulate you like this.

Edited January 9, 2016 by bathtub-row

[Rockdad]

(I'm a business guy)

 

Considering this only in a business aspect, it's certainly unwise business practice to leverage your credit. Countless co-signers get caught when some unforeseen circumstance appears.

 

I have a mom too that has made some financial mistakes. I absolutely will not get involved with family or friends money issues. All to often it creates complications. We're not talking about she needs help to buy needed medications were talking about a mortgage.

 

Food for thought maybe, with a home comes upkeep and repairs. Very costly if you can't do them yourself. I've made a good living in the service field.