Irrational emotions vs logical thought!

[ExtraSpice]

I have noticed that after a breakup whether I am the dumper or the dumpee, my self esteem usually takes a hit. I feel as though I am not good enough to attract someone who is the same or better.

 

Thinking logically I know that I am decently attractive (not mind blowingly lol), have a decent personality and have a great job. So overall there is nothing about me that says you're going to be single forever. And I know this but my mind just doesn't want to accept it. I end up creating scenarios where I can't find anybody but my ex has all the success in the world.

 

My mind ends up putting my ex on this pedestal. And she is a great person and all but not to the point my mind has made her out to be.

 

How do you tackle these emotions when logically you know they are not accurate? I wanted to see others peoples way of coping with things like this.

[DrMario]

Personally, I take a break from relationships, I don't even think about other women, and I make a conscious effort to not think about the woman I am no longer in a relationship with, I am a very sensitive man so it takes me a long time to fully move on and have the right mindset to meet somebody else, I have made mistakes in the past, panicked and jumped into relationships or "situations" a month or so after the relationship is over and done with, I have hurt many women from putting myself in a situation with them that my heart was simply not ready for, I don't like hunting people so these days, I keep myself to myself.

 

Everybody is different though, I feel you have to assess yourself and really look at what you are and aren't ready for in your life, I find if your true to yourself then you will have the right answers, as for me, I am struggling with my confidence, I used to depend on my ex for self validation and self worth, now I am attempting to find healthy ways to give myself that back.

[ExtraSpice]

I used to depend on my ex for self validation and self worth, now I am attempting to find healthy ways to give myself that back.

 

I think this is an interesting point. I know my self worth but for some reason I feel that I need it to be validated by other people. And I think that is where the insecurity comes from. It seems as though so much of our self esteems is based on others peoples opinions.

 

Being able to know your self worth, believe in it and be confident in it is what would be best. But that is not always easy to achieve.

[DrMario]

I'm quite aware of myself, but when somebody you share your life with shuts you out and decides you aren't the person they want to spend they're life with anymore, it has a damaging effect and throws all you know and love about yourself down the drain, I've seen some mighty nice people in my time fall victim and act out in desperate ways that do not befit them after they have been broken up with, the power of love has always baffled me.

[jen1447]

My suggestion is don't get married to your 'logical thought.' A lot of supposed big-logic ppl actually use the pretense of an overreaching logical umbrella as a shield or a disguise from their emotions. That's bad bc emotions need to be faced and experienced and processed. We all have them and no one just turns them off.

 

Say maybe try letting your emotions have their way w/you and then you might find that they start to lose their grip on your psyche when they're not hidden away in a box under the bed and your 'logic' isn't masquerading as your emotional identity.

[ExtraSpice]

My suggestion is don't get married to your 'logical thought.' A lot of supposed big-logic ppl actually use the pretense of an overreaching logical umbrella as a shield or a disguise from their emotions. That's bad bc emotions need to be faced and experienced and processed. We all have them and no one just turns them off.

 

Say maybe try letting your emotions have their way w/you and then you might find that they start to lose their grip on your psyche when they're not hidden away in a box under the bed and your 'logic' isn't masquerading as your emotional identity.

 

That is a very good point. I don't tend to hide my emotions away but I do tend to find a reason why I am experiencing that emotion. My point is not to turn emotions off or avoid processing them but I would like to understand them. And a lot of the times I have difficulty understanding them.

 

Are you suggesting to just "feel" the emotions and not try to find a logical reasoning behind that emotion? And if so what does that exactly mean. What do you do when you feel a certain way?

[carhill]

IMO, think less and feel more, in relationships, meaning the core interaction. This can apply to lovers, to friends, to family. Sure, think through discrete problems and solve them as a team but base the relations on feeling, not logic. Thinking a relationship, especially an intimate one, can be pretty scary. I was the object of that in a marriage. Bonding, and love, based on 2+2=4 is tenuous at best and can be pretty cold and impersonal.

[jen1447]

Are you suggesting to just "feel" the emotions and not try to find a logical reasoning behind that emotion?

Yep.

 

And if so what does that exactly mean. What do you do when you feel a certain way?

 

You don't necessarily do anything. You just have emotions like regular ppl do and eventually they pass. Go thru enough of those cycles (the blues, doldrums, the "I suck"s etc.) and the impact gets less and less.* It's kinda like when you were a kid and had to get a shot, once you got it over with life was good again, and the worrying about it was actually worse than the shot.

 

* This is assuming you don't actually have a disorder like depression. If you do, it probably won't work that way.

[ExtraSpice]

IMO, think less and feel more, in relationships, meaning the core interaction. This can apply to lovers, to friends, to family. Sure, think through discrete problems and solve them as a team but base the relations on feeling, not logic. Thinking a relationship, especially an intimate one, can be pretty scary. I was the object of that in a marriage. Bonding, and love, based on 2+2=4 is tenuous at best and can be pretty cold and impersonal.

 

I believe that is one of my issues, that I try to rationalize everything. And that doesn't always end well. A good balance between feelings and rationale is important to achieve.

 

You don't necessarily do anything. You just have emotions like regular ppl do and eventually they pass. Go thru enough of those cycles (the blues, doldrums, the "I suck"s etc.) and the impact gets less and less.* It's kinda like when you were a kid and had to get a shot, once you got it over with life was good again, and the worrying about it was actually worse than the shot.

 

* This is assuming you don't actually have a disorder like depression. If you do, it probably won't work that way.

 

That is very true. I have been through a difficult time before and I remember feeling like it was the end of the world but eventually I got out of that mindset. I think my attempt to find reasoning behind my emotions stems from the thought process that if I can find that reasoning I can process those emotions and not feel that way anymore. But that is not how it ends up at all. I am trying to find a shortcut to feeling better through logical reasoning and that thinking maybe flawed.

[mrldii]

OP, it's completely illogical that one would attempt to logically work through one's emotions; they are two completely different beasts, which serve two completely different functions. It would be like trying to make a square out of a circle...it can't be done, as the properties required to make a square are completely absent in a circle - as they, too, are two completely different beasts.

 

Why not simply realize that your logic is there for a reason...as are your emotions and instead learn to use - and embrace - both to your advantage?

 

Best of luck to you...

[luck1978]

I think when your mind is in a balanced state, logic and emotion work in harmony with each other. After a break up there is a major imbalance, your emotions are way more powerful so you try to use your logic brain to tame the emotions to desperately get that harmony balance back of normal thinking, but it doesn't work. I experienced this and it's like a losing battle. Try sitting still and meditate on calming your emotions so that you can gradually bring the emotions back to normal, exercise those negative emotions out of your system too, these things really help. But number one give yourself time.

Edited January 7, 2016 by luck1978

[ExtraSpice]

I know that it will take some time to process these emotions and that I just have to go through it. The thought of it is a little scary though.

 

But I liked your take on the balance between emotions and logic. I have never tried meditation and that is mostly because of a lack of patience but I should give it a shot.

 

Thanks!

[Blanco]

I try to strike a balance where I don't run from my feelings, yet I don't lose sight that things will eventually be better. My ex and I were quite different in this way. She is much more emotionally guarded and interprets the "life goes on" saying to mean that instead of leaning into our sad or painful emotions, it's better to just shrug it off and find a distraction.

 

I think that's a fine method for, say, getting over something at work that upset you. Larger scale issues, such as breakups or deaths, though, aren't things we should just try to tough out. Yes, the alternative is a period of hurt and maybe despair. But these things, I think, keep you in tune with your own sense of emotional well being. You learn to actually face adversity and deal with it, rather than pretending it's not there at all.

 

Applying logical thinking is fine for logistical things, such as running a household or approaching the family finances. Applied to something as beautiful and unique as a romantic relationship just strips this bond of intimacy. Sure, you run less risk of being hurt, but you're also missing out on the joy and euphoria that an emotionally all-in relationship can yield.

 

I think that's partly why my ex has been able to easily move on from exclusive relationship to exclusive relationship without much buffer in between. She doesn't pick low-grade people, yet these pairings become so... business-like after a while. I want more out of a relationship, and that's partly why I usually remain unattached for so long after ending a long relationship. I need time to heal, reflect, and grow. I don't enter a new relationship haphazardly, because I know that when I do, I'm going to allow myself to be vulnerable and transparent for my partner. You can't grant such access to just anyone.

[Blanco]

I know that it will take some time to process these emotions and that I just have to go through it. The thought of it is a little scary though.

 

But I liked your take on the balance between emotions and logic. I have never tried meditation and that is mostly because of a lack of patience but I should give it a shot.

 

Thanks!

 

I've taken the last year off from dating after my relationship ended. I had a lot of things to unpack, both with regards to the expired relationship and internal things. If a relationship must end, I think it's a waste not to take some time after to reflect and find ways to grow from the experience.

 

I hate to again use my ex as an example, but the way we each responded to the breakup says a lot about how we handle these finicky emotional issues.

 

Her way of coping was buying some new clothes, dropping a few pounds, and finding a new boyfriend as quickly as possible. She's pretty, so she'll never have issues finding a replacement for the last guy. And hey, it's easier to just move along to the next one than consider any of your negative contributions to the previous relationship.

 

I, on the other hand, decided to bite the bullet, and use this newly-found free time to address some internal things that have affected me and, subsequently, the relationship. In the weeks and months that followed, I did a lot of reading about anger, mindfulness, worrying, and relationships. I made sure to also take care of myself, eating better, exercising, and reconnecting with friends.

 

Don't get it wrong: The first couple of months were mostly hell. I was mourning the loss of a relationship and family while also doing the uncomfortable act of deep self-improvement.

 

A year later, and I think I'm better off for it. Sure, avoiding those feelings and just seeking a distraction in the form of another woman or maybe booze would've been a lot easier. But what's learned that way? How can I avoid mistakes in the next relationship if I just assume a new partner will correct everything?

 

Basically, stagnation is boring. Growth isn't always comfortable, but the eventual results can be so much more satisfying.

[ExtraSpice]

Thank you Blanco for sharing your experience. I agree with your method of dealing with emotional issues. And after unsuccessfully trying countless times I have realized that logic may explain an emotion but it will not help damper or process that emotion. You have to go through the period of despair and hurt.

 

My previous breakup was tough and I decided to start seeing somebody else shortly after it. I felt alone and I felt unwanted. And in my mind I thought if I can get somebody else to spend time with me, I wouldn't feel that way. And to be honest I didn't feel that way once I went on a few dates. I felt wanted and it gave me a good boost in my self esteem.

 

But I realized that I am using other people to validate my own self worth. I also realized that it was very difficult for me to spend time alone. It was at this point that I made the decision of being alone. Of facing my emotions head on and not hiding behind distractions. It was quite tough but I remember I reached a point where I was content with who I was. Where I was happy alone. The most time you will ever spend with somebody is yourself so you best make sure you find yourself interesting enough to be able to spend that time.

 

And then this separation has shaken me up a little. As though I was lying to myself about who I was. I thought I would be fine, more or less. I realized that somewhere I stopped making an effort to grow as a person. I was stagnant but I had myself believe that was not the case. And maybe realizing the truth hurt a little more than I expected. I have found so many flaws in myself and now I have to attempt to fix them and improve. But there is no shortcut so I have to go through the long and difficult road. And that honestly scares me a little. But it is a challenge that I intend to overcome.

 

As much as I love logic I do need to change my views on how to deal with emotional issues.

[luck1978]

Thank you Blanco for sharing your experience. I agree with your method of dealing with emotional issues. And after unsuccessfully trying countless times I have realized that logic may explain an emotion but it will not help damper or process that emotion. You have to go through the period of despair and hurt.

 

My previous breakup was tough and I decided to start seeing somebody else shortly after it. I felt alone and I felt unwanted. And in my mind I thought if I can get somebody else to spend time with me, I wouldn't feel that way. And to be honest I didn't feel that way once I went on a few dates. I felt wanted and it gave me a good boost in my self esteem.

 

But I realized that I am using other people to validate my own self worth. I also realized that it was very difficult for me to spend time alone. It was at this point that I made the decision of being alone. Of facing my emotions head on and not hiding behind distractions. It was quite tough but I remember I reached a point where I was content with who I was. Where I was happy alone. The most time you will ever spend with somebody is yourself so you best make sure you find yourself interesting enough to be able to spend that time.

 

And then this separation has shaken me up a little. As though I was lying to myself about who I was. I thought I would be fine, more or less. I realized that somewhere I stopped making an effort to grow as a person. I was stagnant but I had myself believe that was not the case. And maybe realizing the truth hurt a little more than I expected. I have found so many flaws in myself and now I have to attempt to fix them and improve. But there is no shortcut so I have to go through the long and difficult road. And that honestly scares me a little. But it is a challenge that I intend to overcome.

 

As much as I love logic I do need to change my views on how to deal with emotional issues.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself my friend. Do not over blame yourself and go on a personal fault finding trip. I find getting out and about seeing people and trying new things and being far more open in my outlook the best healer of all. If you're open to the world it will heal you on its own without you having to assisinate your own personality.

[OpenBook]

I have noticed that after a breakup whether I am the dumper or the dumpee, my self esteem usually takes a hit. I feel as though I am not good enough to attract someone who is the same or better...

 

How do you tackle these emotions when logically you know they are not accurate?

 

I totally dive into something else (a cause, a hobby, work tasks, anything) that is completely unrelated to romance.

 

When my mind drifts to the failed relationship (and it always does - constantly at first, then it starts tapering off), I actually humor the negative thought patterns - "Yeah I'm totally repulsive, never going to know happiness or great sex again ever, just call me Quasimodelle, [etc. ad nauseum] - but at least I'm really good at this" and just work it like a madwoman.

 

In a quixotic kind of way it loosens up the entrenched negative self-image... leaving fertile ground to plant something way more worthwhile and authentic.

 

It's like I've got nothing left to lose, so screw it I'm just going to go do my thing.

 

Then, gradually, good things start happening... and eventually I get back to normal. But I'm different afterwards - a little stronger, a little wiser, and way better off than I was before.

[ExtraSpice]

Don't be too hard on yourself my friend. Do not over blame yourself and go on a personal fault finding trip. I find getting out and about seeing people and trying new things and being far more open in my outlook the best healer of all. If you're open to the world it will heal you on its own without you having to assisinate your own personality.

 

Good advice. I feel that we are our own worse critics and esp in a difficult time I tend to concentrate a lot on the negatives and ignore the positives. I think it is partly because of that thinking then the self esteem takes a big hit. I falsely let myself be defined by my mistakes. And though you should def reflect on your mistakes and errors and learn from them but you shouldn't get fixated on them. Now it is a matter of implementing it.

 

I actually humor the negative thought patterns - "Yeah I'm totally repulsive, never going to know happiness or great sex again ever, just call me Quasimodelle, [etc. ad nauseum] - but at least I'm really good at this" and just work it like a madwoman.

 

In a quixotic kind of way it loosens up the entrenched negative self-image... leaving fertile ground to plant something way more worthwhile and authentic.

 

It's like I've got nothing left to lose, so screw it I'm just going to go do my thing.

 

Then, gradually, good things start happening... and eventually I get back to normal. But I'm different afterwards - a little stronger, a little wiser, and way better off than I was before.

 

That is a very interesting approach. Correct me if I am wrong but essentially when you feel those negative emotions instead of taking them seriously you try to state them more as a joke. And then eventually your mind catches on and realizes that the thought is unrealistic and has an easier time dismissing it? I am going to give it a shot.

[OpenBook]

That is a very interesting approach. Correct me if I am wrong but essentially when you feel those negative emotions instead of taking them seriously you try to state them more as a joke. And then eventually your mind catches on and realizes that the thought is unrealistic and has an easier time dismissing it?

 

No no, I take them dead seriously! I say to that accusing, condemning little f*cker voice: "Ok FINE you're right - I'm a TOTAL LOSER." I agree with it.

 

And then I go do something that that little voice wouldn't DARE call me lousy at. Because I already know better and I can shut that sh*t down if it rears its pissy little head.

 

It's cleansing.

[The Resurrection]

Great thread and very insightful replies.

 

I've been broken up with for more than a month now and some days I still feel like the day after the breakup. I know logically that the breakup was for the best and that I must move on but I still find myself longing for my ex.

 

What I've read is that these feelings are normal and a natural part of the grieving process. We need to keep doing the right things and eventually these emotions will stabilize and subside. Doing all the right things is like disinfecting the wounds and putting a cast on the broken arm, but the emotional pain is like the broken arm itself. It will heal on its own time.