Itspointless Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 What is it you think she really wanted out of reaching out during a tough time for me? Like she saw it as a door of vulnerability and took advantage of it because she knew she could get me? I'm beginning to think she may have a personality disorder... I am not per se talking about something she is aware of. I am proposing that she was used to helping to receive love. And that perhaps she was missing something with her father or during the time that he had cancer. Dating guys like she did (those a-holes) could also point to wanting to get a reacting out of her parents, due to things like I mentioned. It all could be factors why she developed doing what she is doing. That eventually is for to find out. For you is important to investigate what attracted you to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author holycity61 Posted January 7, 2016 Author Share Posted January 7, 2016 I am not per se talking about something she is aware of. I am proposing that she was used to helping to receive love. And that perhaps she was missing something with her father or during the time that he had cancer. Dating guys like she did (those a-holes) could also point to wanting to get a reacting out of her parents, due to things like I mentioned. It all could be factors why she developed doing what she is doing. That eventually is for to find out. For you is important to investigate what attracted you to her. It easily was her personality, it was unlike anyone's I had ever experienced before. Refreshing, different, and new. I didn't have to work to like her, it all just came naturally. She also was more aggressive in the beginning on trying to hook up with me before we started dating if that gives any insight as to the type of person she is. If she wants something she's going to go after it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author holycity61 Posted January 7, 2016 Author Share Posted January 7, 2016 Also wanted to add, she called a good bit, mostly drunk post break up to see how I was doing/ what I had been doing. She would never officially break up with me in person. Made a huge mistake when she asked me to come over and "spend one last night" with her. We didn't have sex or anything I think she just wanted me to sleep in her bed one last time. I made the decision for NC from then on out. Its been about two and a half months now. Only contact we have had was arrange the pickup of our belongings, which she was very slow to get around doing yet i was very swift to get her stuff out of my place.... Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 To be honest, both you guys are still very young. To me personally she sounds very immature, but she really is no exception in her behaviour regarding your ages. Young women (and men) often promise the stars and the moon and go on doing something like this. Until the age of 25 or so you should not expect too much, most people still mainly want adventure. It seems though that she has some issues that she needs to work on. You would better think about why you were attracted to a girlfriend who seemed to want to rescue you Link to post Share on other sites
Author holycity61 Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 To be honest, both you guys are still very young. To me personally she sounds very immature, but she really is no exception in her behaviour regarding your ages. Young women (and men) often promise the stars and the moon and go on doing something like this. Until the age of 25 or so you should not expect too much, most people still mainly want adventure. It seems though that she has some issues that she needs to work on. You would better think about why you were attracted to a girlfriend who seemed to want to rescue you Thank you, yes the time we have had apart I have been able to reflect and have thought the same. She is indeed immature, allowing outside influences to affect her decision making (very irrational), she has in the past always been very quick to move into a new relationship after ending a previous (except for me, she had been single for a few months which I'm pretty sure was the longest break she's had in between a relationship), and I honestly don't think shes had a chance to figure herself out and what she really wants. The new guy she is with now has painted a pretty picture for her by offering her a job with his b***s*** travel company so I'm sure some G.I.G.S. is a factor in all that nonsense. Still wish her the best though, she tries to mean well and has a good heart for the most part.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author holycity61 Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Just wanted to provide an update to my situation/progress as most others do on here. Have been very strong and successful upholding the NC. Unfortunately it was broken this past Sunday when she texted me asking to come by and grab some petty items. I told her I was busy (really was) and that it would probably have to wait until Monday evening when I got off work. I agreed to gather the few things she "desperately needed" and take them with me to the gym (closer proximity to her house) and leave them in the bed of my truck for her to grab while I am working out, gave her this option to avoid having to see each other. She said that would be fine and tried to tell me about her plans for Monday evening while I said nothing but what times to expect my vehicle to be parked there for her to gather her things. She then attempted to make small talk bringing up how she noticed how I have picked up flying and trying to get my pilots license since we broke up. I did not respond to her text. A few hours pass and its getting close to me getting ready to go meet with two girls for a few drinks and she texts me demanding I drop off her stuff immediately. I didn't respond to her demanding text as I don't believe I should have to change my schedule to give her what she wants as I did too much of that during our relationship. She started to call and I finally answered, I told her I had plans and that doing that was really going to mess up my schedule as I was on my way out the door. She promised that she would make it quick, so I reluctantly said fine. Headed over to her place, offered to drop stuff on her porch and continue on but she said she would come out and get it from me in person. I didn't get out of the car, she came out I handed her her things and she gave me a t-shirt she had of mine that she said she knew I like to work out in. Honestly the shirt didn't mean that as much to me as she made it sound like. She told me to have a good night and I said nothing but "thank you" and drove off. I proceeded to head on to continue on with my evening. Didn't even get a mile up the road before she started texting me. She said "Look I want to be friends and I don't see why we aren't at that point"...I didn't respond to it. She sends another saying "that's fine if you cant, going to leave it, I definitely can the feelings were just nonexistent". Again I didn't respond and have not since. Going to continue with NC as I cannot be friends with her. It would not be in any way fair to me to hold a friendship with her as it would be very one sided. She is still with New Guy but he is out of town which is why I think she hit me up and demanded a "personal drop off" as hard as I tried to avoid that. I am the type of person that once I develop love for someone, it is completely irreversible and I would like to put that into words for her but at the same time, I think its for her to figure out on her own. She has made her choices, she gets to deal with the outcomes...whatever they may be. Thoughts/wisdom/insight on how I handled this situation would be appreciated... Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 x"that's fine if you cant, going to leave it, I definitely can the feelings were just nonexistent" holycity61, just run away, she is pathetic. She misses you, or at least she misses that she can't control you. Well, she did for a bit, but you do do not want these kind of games. Sorry but she has no character. She has made her choices and needs to live with them, it is what we call life. That she wrote to you that there are no feelings left for you made me laugh Link to post Share on other sites
Author holycity61 Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 holycity61, just run away, she is pathetic. She misses you, or at least she misses that she can't control you. Well, she did for a bit, but you do do not want these kind of games. Sorry but she has no character. She has made her choices and needs to live with them, it is what we call life. That she wrote to you that there are no feelings left for you made me laugh Yeah I honestly scoffed when I read that no feelings crap. Like, well if that's honestly what you've come to think then thanks for wasting a years worth of my time. All the marriage/kids/future together s**t was meaningless. Its becoming clear she has serious issues... Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 ts becoming clear she has serious issues... Not per se. This is not uncommon behaviour with girls (I have forgotten her age). I think we can call this pride. But you know what, she still acts like she is the prize, while in fact she had the prize. It is hard, I know, but do not fall for childish behaviour you are worth more. Know your worth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author holycity61 Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 Not per se. This is not uncommon behaviour with girls (I have forgotten her age). I think we can call this pride. But you know what, she still acts like she is the prize, while in fact she had the prize. It is hard, I know, but do not fall for childish behaviour you are worth more. Know your worth. We are both 22, she is older by only a few months (like that even matters in this situation) I have been able to come to terms with the fact that this is indeed her loss. My outlook is many times better than the f**kboy she is running around with now. Not only has she lost a great person that will always care for her regardless of her life choices, but she has also lost close friends, some that she had before we had even met (that should say something about how outsiders saw our relationship) and have clearly come to my defense. Just all puts things into perspective I guess.... Thank you for being there to reply Itspointless Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 We are both 22, she is older by only a few months (like that even matters in this situation) I have been able to come to terms with the fact that this is indeed her loss. My outlook is many times better than the f**kboy she is running around with now. Not only has she lost a great person that will always care for her regardless of her life choices, but she has also lost close friends, some that she had before we had even met (that should say something about how outsiders saw our relationship) and have clearly come to my defense. Just all puts things into perspective I guess.... Thank you for being there to reply Itspointless Your welcome holycity61. Well the hard part is that you both still are those ages that most of us want to break free and have a period wherein they do wild things, discovering themselves and going against the grain (some do while much older). She probably will ease down gradually, but for now she needs this out of her system. With that sometimes mistakes are made. But in a couple of years you will look back and smile thinking about the good memories with her and probably are wondering how she is doing, if you haven't got her on Facebook or the like Link to post Share on other sites
Author holycity61 Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) So yesterday I am minding my own business getting ready to go up for a flying lesson and I get a text from the ex asking if I wanted a very expensive ring back that I had given her for her birthday back in April. Mind you I have upheld my end of NC so I figured this was just a ploy to get me to respond. Since it was regarding an item I considered to be special at the time I told her "No Im good, sell it if you don't want it". She asks me if I didn't want to sell it and I responded with "what use would I have for a custom fitted ring, if you don't want it then sell it, it was a gift". She went on asking why I was being so rude and tried to call which I ignored. She then told me to "be mature and give her a call" but I was busy so I didn't... She knew it was a gift so Im assuming this was an outlet for her to establish contact? Edited January 17, 2016 by holycity61 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 She went on asking why I was being so rude and tried to call which I ignored. She then told me to "be mature and give her a call" but I was busy so I didn't... She knew it was a gift so Im assuming this was an outlet for her to establish contact? Yes, do you see what happened? You gave her what she wanted: a reaction. When that reaction wasn't entirely what she wanted she turned nasty to feel better about herself. Isn't that sweet. So you suddenly were termed immature. Perhaps you should have asked if cheating was a more mature thing to do. than being generous. But still better and that is the hard part is not playing her game at all. It means ignoring her, as long as you react she knows she still has you. I am sorry, it is hard not to. But you better ignore her the next time, look what it brought you now: you have been called names. Perhaps she once was your best friend, but friends do not do these kind of things. Link to post Share on other sites
elly key Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Believe me, it doesn't matter who they are - women or men. Gender doesn't matter as every person can hide their true face. This forum can show you all shades of people's worse since des on relationships. We all suffer here from people whose words don't correspond their actions. Wishing you to heal faster. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SparrowH Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) Sounds like you are doing quite well regarding NC; much better than I have. Whilst you are hurt, you have managed to keep your dignity, got yourself busy and not acted desperate. I agree with what others have said; it would be best to give her no reaction at all. But you are human and the reaction you have given hasn't really been that bad at all. Also, completely agree with elly key; gender has nothing to do with it. And we can be quick to judge others and their behaviour, whilst of course there are good and bad ways to act (and cheating is definitely a bad way), I think they are usually down to the individual and their own issues that they might not be even aware of. Edited January 17, 2016 by SparrowH 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author holycity61 Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 Yes, do you see what happened? You gave her what she wanted: a reaction. When that reaction wasn't entirely what she wanted she turned nasty to feel better about herself. Isn't that sweet. So you suddenly were termed immature. Perhaps you should have asked if cheating was a more mature thing to do. than being generous. But still better and that is the hard part is not playing her game at all. It means ignoring her, as long as you react she knows she still has you. I am sorry, it is hard not to. But you better ignore her the next time, look what it brought you now: you have been called names. Perhaps she once was your best friend, but friends do not do these kind of things. You know and to think I really considered ignoring the original attempt for her to get a rise out of me. Its fine though everyone really knows who the immature one is in this situation. I think its hilarious that the second I was cold in my demeanor (which I don't even think I really was) she found it necessary to try to get me on the phone, Im sorry but don't you understand I don't want to talk to you??? She just had a friend pass away so I guess she was trying to reach out for comfort but I'm sure she's getting plenty of it from New Guy....Not my job, not my problem anymore. I love how she thinks I owe her friendship/being nice. My only question is why play these games, you have someone "new/better" so why keep talking to your "past"? Why would you want to give back a gift that was made specially for your finger? Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 You know and to think I really considered ignoring the original attempt for her to get a rise out of me. Its fine though everyone really knows who the immature one is in this situation. I think its hilarious that the second I was cold in my demeanor (which I don't even think I really was) she found it necessary to try to get me on the phone, Im sorry but don't you understand I don't want to talk to you??? She just had a friend pass away so I guess she was trying to reach out for comfort but I'm sure she's getting plenty of it from New Guy....Not my job, not my problem anymore. I love how she thinks I owe her friendship/being nice. My only question is why play these games, you have someone "new/better" so why keep talking to your "past"? Why would you want to give back a gift that was made specially for your finger? The fact that her exes where not exemplary people and the fact she bonded with you because she wanted to help you, does tell us something about her. Most likely, she has some demons chasing her, for example having to do with the illness of her father. While that isn't your problem any-more, I would not assume that she has the same clear picture about her actions as you do. She most probably would be helped talking about it just like you do here. You know, many people who are compulsive helpers, only want to be helped themselves. But her way of asking is wrong, its manipulative. Given her past I certainly do not expect her golden boy to be the one to be there for her, I expect the opposite to be honest. But what would you do if you would be her? Would you be telling you that you perhaps made a mistake? Perhaps this also isn't clear for her, but just a feeling that makes her act. I am not good either in shutting people out, but you also need to think about why you constantly want to facilitate her. What is it in you besides your love for her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author holycity61 Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 The fact that her exes where not exemplary people and the fact she bonded with you because she wanted to help you, does tell us something about her. Most likely, she has some demons chasing her, for example having to do with the illness of her father. While that isn't your problem any-more, I would not assume that she has the same clear picture about her actions as you do. She most probably would be helped talking about it just like you do here. You know, many people who are compulsive helpers, only want to be helped themselves. But her way of asking is wrong, its manipulative. Given her past I certainly do not expect her golden boy to be the one to be there for her, I expect the opposite to be honest. But what would you do if you would be her? Would you be telling you that you perhaps made a mistake? Perhaps this also isn't clear for her, but just a feeling that makes her act. I am not good either in shutting people out, but you also need to think about why you constantly want to facilitate her. What is it in you besides your love for her? Her parents were strict with her growing up but they are some of the nicest people I have ever met. They will do anything for anyone and I think thats what she tries to emulate. She also has a lot of learning disabilities/anxiety issues and I made sure that when we were together I helped her in her schooling and made sure I never did anything to get her anxiety up. She was on and off anxiety meds and I could tell when she was on them and when she wasn't, but still not enough of a difference to cause concern. We had our fair share of talking about each others inner issues when we were dating and could relate on many levels over similar occurrences between us but I never was able to see anything that would cause her to act irrationally but then again I am not a mind reader... And Im not so sure about Golden Boy not being there for her, she has told me that she would always go to him for advice on issues too in the past. Which made it very easy for me to see the clear picture on why our splitting happened, I honestly think he hung around in the shadows as a "friend" and waited until he had an opportunity to swoop in and manipulate. She basically told me he talked her into our splitting up by her telling me she went to him for "advice"....I was disgusted. I wouldn't say I am facilitating her anymore but more trying to give her the cold shoulder, she made her choices and because of them I am no longer in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) Her parents were strict with her growing up but they are some of the nicest people I have ever met. They will do anything for anyone and I think thats what she tries to emulate. She also has a lot of learning disabilities/anxiety issues and I made sure that when we were together I helped her in her schooling and made sure I never did anything to get her anxiety up. She was on and off anxiety meds and I could tell when she was on them and when she wasn't, but still not enough of a difference to cause concern. We had our fair share of talking about each others inner issues when we were dating and could relate on many levels over similar occurrences between us but I never was able to see anything that would cause her to act irrationally but then again I am not a mind reader... And Im not so sure about Golden Boy not being there for her, she has told me that she would always go to him for advice on issues too in the past. Which made it very easy for me to see the clear picture on why our splitting happened, I honestly think he hung around in the shadows as a "friend" and waited until he had an opportunity to swoop in and manipulate. She basically told me he talked her into our splitting up by her telling me she went to him for "advice"....I was disgusted. I wouldn't say I am facilitating her anymore but more trying to give her the cold shoulder, she made her choices and because of them I am no longer in her life. Yes, you could be right about her emulating their behaviour. Still people can be the nicest people you have ever met but still make mistakes resulting in children who are anxious. Sometimes it are just the circumstances of life that do this. These are processes that often are not rationally chosen, parents mirror certain behaviour to their children. Children know for example when their parents are scared. Also the thing is that people seldom see their own behaviour as irrational, projecting is a lot easier: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection He reminds me of some guys I met in the past. I of-course do not know the dynamic between the two, but he sounds sleazy. Seen that trick played out to often, comforting the girl after the break-up to get them in bed or talking bad about you (then me; many years ago) to make them see you in another light. People who give advice and seem to be good at it while the sun shines are not always the people who are best in comforting. Edited January 17, 2016 by Itspointless Link to post Share on other sites
Author holycity61 Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 Yes, you could be right about her emulating their behaviour. Still people can be the nicest people you have ever met but still make mistakes resulting in children who are anxious. Sometimes it are just the circumstances of life that do this. These are processes that often are not rationally chosen, parents mirror certain behaviour to their children. Children know for example when their parents are scared. Also the thing is that people seldom see their own behaviour as irrational, projecting is a lot easier: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection He reminds me of some guys I met in the past. I of-course do not know the dynamic between the two, but he sounds sleazy. Seen that trick played out to often, comforting the girl after the break-up to get them in bed or talking bad about you (then me; many years ago) to make them see you in another light. People who give advice and seem to be good at it while the sun shines are not always the people who are best in comforting. He is exactly that and I don't doubt he talked poorly of me to her, which is comical to think because I did nothing but respect our relationship...theres nothing bad to say. So for her to play into the trash talk really just solidifies my complete loss of respect for her. He is a complete sleaze, been with more girls than I can count and brags about it. If that is attractive to her, she's just as sleazy as he is in my mind. I can see her trying very hard to make it work once things begin to go south as her whole family has said she is very "loyal" (laughing out loud as I typed that) and that she has hung around longer than she should've in her previous bad situation relationships. I really was the only relationship she has been in that I guess you could consider "normal"... Link to post Share on other sites
Author holycity61 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Share Posted January 24, 2016 (edited) Another update... So just a week ago today she asked me if I wanted the ring back. Refer to previous posts to see how I handled that. After being called immature I figured there would be a pretty good length of time before hearing from her again. Low and behold just a week goes by before I get a casual "Hey" after an hour of not responding I get another "Holler at me"...Not going to respond to this one like I did to the previous breadcrumb. It is very interesting to see how the GIGS and NC theories really coincide with each other and when they are such clear cut cases how they can be so predictable... Edited January 24, 2016 by holycity61 Link to post Share on other sites
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