"If you love something, let it go..." ... for good?

[SoulflowerChloe]

We all have heard this popular saying (or something similar) :

 

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it is meant for you"

 

 

Having been involved in a heated, young love situation for a few years now, I have unfortunately dealt with the infamous on-again, off-again relationship. Right now, I am overcoming said relationship. While doing some casual deep thinking, an idea came to me that I thought would be a good discussion topic.

 

Where is the line drawn for the belief that "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it is meant for you" if you have a relationship that is a magnetic, reoccurring thing? How do you know that something is NOT meant to be, if you let it go and it comes back?

 

Have fun with this one. Any input is welcome

[central]

I think the saying is a bit trite, but has a kernel of truth to it.

 

 

However, if they keep coming and going like a yo-yo, at best such relationships are playthings - not serious or worthy of becoming serious (not that it could be serious under such conditions).

[SoulflowerChloe]

I definitely agree!

[burnt]

Throwing another question back to you:

where do you draw the fine line between

 

"if you love something then let it go"

&

"fight for what you love--don't give up"

 

kinda like

 

Out of sight, out of mind

…but…

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

 

contradictory, but each with a truth in itself.

[SoulflowerChloe]

Throwing another question back to you:

where do you draw the fine line between

 

"if you love something then let it go"

&

"fight for what you love--don't give up"

 

kinda like

 

Out of sight, out of mind

…but…

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

 

contradictory, but each with a truth in itself.

 

 

Hmm. Good one! I have also had, and still do at times, a battle juggling between those two philosophies as well. It is taking a lot out of me to rewire my brain, because I am usually the "fight for what you love -- don't give up" type. What I have learned in my experience though is that love can't be a one way street. Both parties have to equally want to fight to save things. I can try try try, but sometimes you have to "let go" of your hold on things, to see if the other person fights. I believe letting go can allow clarity and reveal truth. There has to be a balance between the two ideas.

[central]

Throwing another question back to you:

where do you draw the fine line between

 

"if you love something then let it go"

&

"fight for what you love--don't give up"

 

There is a balance, of course. Fighting for what you love is fine to a point - when it becomes obsessive, controlling, or sociopathic, then it's really not about love, but OCD possessiveness. With that in mind, I'd lean more towards the letting them go to figure out for themselves if they want to be with you, while making your best case for choosing you.

 

 

Out of sight, out of mind

…but…

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

 

contradictory, but each with a truth in itself.

 

 

I think this dichotomy is largely one of personality and to some extent your investment in the relationship. The first better reflects the more independent-minded person not consumed by a relationship, whereas the second - to me - implies a more romantic person more invested in a particular person (and in some cases, possibly more needy).

 

 

However, in many relationships, both can apply to some degree or at different times depending on the current circumstances.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I hate to sound bitter, but I'm hoping my ex never comes back again. Like you, we were young and in love. She and I broke up and got back together four times over a two year period, and now I'm finally gaining the perspective of being on the other side and seeing how unhealthy it all was. I took a relationship that should have lasted 6 months and turned it into 30 months. If they leave you, don't pursue. If they come back, question their motives.

 

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it is probably because they're weak and need validation."

[Tayla]

That saying is best left in romance novels. Which real life is NOT.

 

Simply let it go ...is how it should read. Leave the expectations and all that aftermath to nothingness.

 

I loved my addiction and sure as heck don't want to jump in to that cess pool of an addiction simply because I let it "go" and it will come back. (yikes!)

 

There have been folks that I have loved dearly....and when it was time to make peace...it wasn't with the corny caveat that if I do this, they will surely come back! I didn't want them back...I wanted to move on...and so I did. And so did they. And that's the true gist of Letting go with love. No expectations or wants need be attached....

[Xiomn]

 

Have fun with this one. Any input is welcome

 

Sounds like a good way to eventually be forgotten.

 

Some quotes are thrown around too much in my opinion.

 

If you love something, fight for it.

You'll know when to give up

But one day you might decide to come back for another battle, so to speak.

[Grewd]

There's certainly truth to it and I've successfully used this many times.

 

Some people try this or that "tactic" to make someone stay, but it's usually deceptive and thus worthless tactics. The only good tactic I know of is to be of value to others, if they leave I don't suffer much of a loss since I have the value. It means less for them and more for those who are left. If what they'd value is to eject from my life I'd be happy to give it.

 

Doing things to make people stay when what they want is to leave is selfish. It would be ME wanting them to stay for MY satisfaction, people who do this doesn't consider how it makes the other feel.

 

I wouldn't say if it comes back it's meant for me, it just means I did something right. That right thing is to respect others wishes and not threaten their freedom, basically doing what's good for them.

 

Say if my girlfriend wasn't sure about me, thinking I might be selfish. She might then leave based on assumptions. I'm committed to wanting the best for both of us and not letting her leave doesn't fulfill that goal. By letting her go like that I prove I don't keep her for my own benefit alone, she might realize that, reconsider on that fact and come back to me. However I do also have boundaries and only allow this to happen once, if she comes back I will tell her I won't let her leave and regret it the next time.

 

Leave once and regret it is ok, leave twice and I don't want them back. Besides, saying "it's meant to be" implies something permanent, the case with on and off relationships is certainly not permanent and stable. For how long are you meant to be? Until one of you suddenly decide it wasn't meant to be after all, but on further thought maybe it was so let's try again.

 

You see the pattern there? It's pure indecisiveness and it causes an emotional roller coaster that won't end before one part makes a final decision to leave, or both parts make a final decision to stay together.

Edited January 7, 2016 by Grewd

[smudge21]

I'm currently torn between both ideas - letting go and seeing if she comes back, or carry on chasing and making all the effort. It's hard to walk away as you feel like you're going to regret it when they don't come back... but in the same sense, constantly chasing someone who doesn't show you the same love back will also end in heartbreak.

 

I'm in the belief that if someone wants you, they will show it. End of. I know I love this current girl and I can compare how I am to her, and how she is to me, and it's totally different. If someone really loves you, they show it, even in the smallest possible way. Even people who are closed off will show it in their own unique way.

 

I think in every situation you have to weigh up what is right for you. Walk away and see if the come running or carry on chasing. There is no right or wrong, you just make a decision to do one or the other and whatever the outcome, you remain true to yourself. I'm walking away personally. Not what I want to do, but I feel there's nothing there on her side. I'm making that decision and whatever the outcome will remind myself that was the best choice at the time. Without knowing the future, that's all any of us can really do.

[Pharoh]

This has been a great discussion to read so far. I am also torn between both ideas.

 

Another idea that really sticks with me is "the right person at the wrong time."

 

This is true for me because I met my ex as a senior in college and she was a freshmen. Naturally I graduated and was not coping well with being in the real world while she was busy in college mode, and she grew apart from me because of it. We had another run for a few months, and we were very serious, but then she distanced herself again. I truly believe she did not know what she wanted at the time or was afraid of commitment.

 

Fast forward a year to now, no contact except for happy birthdays and social media pop ups. She is in her last semester, I've had time to fix myself and not rely on others for happiness. Maybe it's a better time to try again?

 

This is where I'm torn. Its been this long and she hasn't come running back, but then again is it always supposed to magically happen that way? Feelings don't always just appear. In this case i still have feelings and she seemingly doesnt, but is it wrong to try and give it a jump start? Be the one that initiates trying hang out again and see if the spark returns naturally without begging for reconciliation? Just because she didn't magically get feelings back doesn't meant she won't get them back if I give it a little effort. But not chasing to the point of being pathetic or a pest to her. Do you really just let it die without trying?

 

Where do you draw the line? This is the first time I've been through this so its all very new to me so its great to see a discussion about everyone's perspective.

[smudge21]

Sounds like you are in my head a bit there my friend. I'm at the point of either walking away from someone I have feelings for, or chasing some more. I too feel that if I walk away, the fact she is so closed off with over rule any feelings she has and that will be it. But of course, there's that voice that says, well if you go, she'll miss you and come running. Then there's the side that says chase and keep in touch, do all the running and maybe it will work out, but once again, there's a voice saying that if I chase anymore it will only push her further away, after all it will still be me doing all the work and not giving her a chance or reason to do any of it.

 

Basically, there's multiple different choices; paths to take. There really isn't a right or wrong one, just a path. You have to decide and try not to regret your choice if things don't work out they way you want them to. You also have to firmly remember that you are dealing with another living breathing thinking human being who despite all your plans will still do whatever they want. You can overthink every thing you do, but only every thing YOU do. They will still do what they want to do. You cannot control them or make them act in a certain way. Just because you feel something is perfect and should be, doesn't mean it is for them.

 

Make the choice but understand you are making it for you. Be the the person you wish to be and be remembered for. If they still walk away then it's not meant to be. The fact remains that if someone wants you, truly wants to be with you, then they will be. The girl I have feelings for can still at anytime come to me, but I can't make her come to me. I can only decide to walk away or chase her that one more time. I know I'll feel bad when this all ends, but I'll convince myself that I made the decision that was right for me at that time. You must do the same. Good luck.

[Pharoh]

Yeah smudge we are not in a fun situation buddy.

 

You say the girl you have feelings for can still come to you at any time. But will she do that on her own? Is it wrong to think hey maybe we hang out a couple times and that spark finally ignites on her side?

 

My ex can still contact me, but after this long has not come back. I believe in the right person, wrong time possiblity. Right now we are on good terms but still not communicating regularly. I am not planning on straight up asking for another chance at being her boyfriend. But maybe asking if she wants to hang out once or twice and see if she gets any feelings naturally being ourselves. Maybe it's possible, maybe not. At least I know I gave it another shot.

 

You are right in saying there is no right or wrong approach, leave them or fight for them. You just have to keep a level head no matter what route you take and be ready for both outcomes.

[Itspointless]

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it is meant for you"

Sometimes we encounter a point where holding on is even more toxic than the pain of letting go. It is that moment when you realize that you really are breaking your sense of self over forces that are trying to keep you at a distance. The moment you start to be a stranger for yourself let go and distance yourself.

[SoulflowerChloe]

Sometimes we encounter a point where holding on is even more toxic than the pain of letting go. It is that moment when you realize that you really are breaking your sense of self over forces that are trying to keep you at a distance. The moment you start to be a stranger for yourself let go and distance yourself.

 

This!! I agree.

[SoulflowerChloe]

This has been a great discussion to read so far. I am also torn between both ideas.

 

Another idea that really sticks with me is "the right person at the wrong time."

 

This is true for me because I met my ex as a senior in college and she was a freshmen. Naturally I graduated and was not coping well with being in the real world while she was busy in college mode, and she grew apart from me because of it. We had another run for a few months, and we were very serious, but then she distanced herself again. I truly believe she did not know what she wanted at the time or was afraid of commitment.

 

Fast forward a year to now, no contact except for happy birthdays and social media pop ups. She is in her last semester, I've had time to fix myself and not rely on others for happiness. Maybe it's a better time to try again?

 

This is where I'm torn. Its been this long and she hasn't come running back, but then again is it always supposed to magically happen that way? Feelings don't always just appear. In this case i still have feelings and she seemingly doesnt, but is it wrong to try and give it a jump start? Be the one that initiates trying hang out again and see if the spark returns naturally without begging for reconciliation? Just because she didn't magically get feelings back doesn't meant she won't get them back if I give it a little effort. But not chasing to the point of being pathetic or a pest to her. Do you really just let it die without trying?

 

Where do you draw the line? This is the first time I've been through this so its all very new to me so its great to see a discussion about everyone's perspective.

 

I too have also wondered if it was the right person at the wrong moment. Right now, Im attempting to wrap my mind around the possibility of some one else being the "right one". I did in the past wonder if maybe we were meant to be, but are just young and exploring. As of now, I am remaining open minded to either possibility.

[todreaminblue]

i think the saying is more about recognising loving someone means respecting what they want the choices they make over your own wants and choices you would make.....if they leave then loving them is respecting them enough to let them go....and yes i do think its true....i feel if you love someone then you sacrifice the heartbreak you will feel....you accept their choices even if it is painful.....that's love....in all its glory

 

i dont feel it should be thought of as they will come back ....or wait around...i think that you have to move on.......maybe they might come back...but that shouldnt be the crux of anyone's existence.....life has enough twists and turns to preempt another's moves or plans....we need to make our own....deb

[Pharoh]

I too have also wondered if it was the right person at the wrong moment. Right now, Im attempting to wrap my mind around the possibility of some one else being the "right one". I did in the past wonder if maybe we were meant to be, but are just young and exploring. As of now, I am remaining open minded to either possibility.

 

Yep that's a good way to treat it.

 

In my case like I said , we met in school, but I quickly graduated and she still had all her time there left. It worked out for a while but eventually us being in two different stages of life made it difficult for both of us to handle, and her feelings drifted.

 

We had no big fights, rarely bickered, had so much fun together and loved each others families. It pains me to think about losing all of that. It truly does feel like the right person at the wrong time. Unfortunately she doesn't care for me the same way I care for her anymore.

 

What you said soulflowerchloe, about being open minded to both possibilities. That helped me, I'm going to try and think of it that way and be open. I haven't gone NC and I still am stuck in limbo on if I should try and see if she wants to hang out sometime or leave it alone and just wait and see if anything happens. Its hard though because I would like more than anything to just start again with her.

Edited January 11, 2016 by Pharoh

[smudge21]

Yeah smudge we are not in a fun situation buddy.

 

You say the girl you have feelings for can still come to you at any time. But will she do that on her own? Is it wrong to think hey maybe we hang out a couple times and that spark finally ignites on her side?

 

My ex can still contact me, but after this long has not come back. I believe in the right person, wrong time possiblity. Right now we are on good terms but still not communicating regularly. I am not planning on straight up asking for another chance at being her boyfriend. But maybe asking if she wants to hang out once or twice and see if she gets any feelings naturally being ourselves. Maybe it's possible, maybe not. At least I know I gave it another shot.

 

You are right in saying there is no right or wrong approach, leave them or fight for them. You just have to keep a level head no matter what route you take and be ready for both outcomes.

 

You have to stand back from every situation and weigh it up with a clear head. If this person wanted to be with you, they would be with you. If you have to do all the work, then they don't want to be with you. I understand trying to ignite a spark and that's fine, but there needs to be a spark not just someone who is being friendly. There's got to be more than a friend there. Also, if you do all the work, all the chasing, make all the effort, then are you ever going to feel truly loved and wanted by that person, or are you going to see them as a prize you simply won through lots of challenges. As much as you want them to feel wanted, to know how much you love them, you should also feel wanted and loved. It's not just about them and their feelings, it's about yours too. I'm all for chasing, I'm all for showing someone how much they mean to me, but there has to be a point where those feelings have to be returned. If they aren't, then you're chasing a fantasy. You're chasing the person you wish them to be rather than the person they truly are.

 

My "friend" has gone really quiet in the last week, so has the decision already been made for me? Is it her that is now walking away (or met someone new)? Should I chase, continue to make the effort, do all the invites etc etc? To be honest, I'm unsure. I know what I should do, but we all know what we should do in life. It's not until we face those situations that we truly see what we actually are capable of doing. I have to step back and view this with a clear head and heart; she's always happy to respond, happy to chat, happy to even meet up, but she's not making any efforts to make those things happen.

 

I agree what you say that giving it one more shot can't hurt but aslong as you realise it is a final shot. The more you chase, the more you lose respect for yourself. We should all chase a loved one, we should all want to be chased, but there has to come a point where you simply have to give up... but not for them to come running to you, but just because you finally realise that this person we want so much, simply doesn't feel the same way. As hard as that is to handle...

[SixxChick]

smudge21's quote pretty much sums it up for me:

 

"I never knew how much it could hurt to lose something I never really had..."

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think the saying holds some truth for those who grow and learn from their past experiences. You can't ignore the fact that if you find yourself in a relationship with a revolving door then perhaps you haven't learned anything. Your relationship is more toxic than destiny.

[SoulflowerChloe]

Yep that's a good way to treat it.

 

In my case like I said , we met in school, but I quickly graduated and she still had all her time there left. It worked out for a while but eventually us being in two different stages of life made it difficult for both of us to handle, and her feelings drifted.

 

We had no big fights, rarely bickered, had so much fun together and loved each others families. It pains me to think about losing all of that. It truly does feel like the right person at the wrong time. Unfortunately she doesn't care for me the same way I care for her anymore.

 

What you said soulflowerchloe, about being open minded to both possibilities. That helped me, I'm going to try and think of it that way and be open. I haven't gone NC and I still am stuck in limbo on if I should try and see if she wants to hang out sometime or leave it alone and just wait and see if anything happens. Its hard though because I would like more than anything to just start again with her.

 

 

If you have already had a conversation to clear things up as far as what she feels now and she was not interested, then I would say begin to move on. Even if you prepare to move on from her, If she realizes that she wants to rekindle things again, you'll still have room in your heart for her (hopefully). You can still be open to the idea while setting yourself up for success.