When Someone Is More Into You Than You Are Them

[DontBreakEven]

Just as a precursor and for no confusion, this is a same-sex deal and we are both female - didn't want pronouns to get confusing, plus it explains a little more as to why the LDR.

 

As a lesbian, I do a lot of OLD because it's not that easy to pick up another girl in, say, your local grocer's freezer aisle. And the bar scene is stale. Been going out for 7 years now and it's the same set of women you see over and over and over again - and in that time I have pursued all the ones I have wanted to.

 

So I turn to OLD. And when I put the radius within 100 miles, I still get those same bar girls. So sometimes, for sh*ts and giggles I put it at 250 miles, and I get intrigued with all the new faces in the 2 closest major cities.

 

I've done this many times in the past, gone to meet the women, and for one reason or another nothing came of it (usually the chicks just weren't that into it as I was).

 

This time I messaged a girl in a neighboring city that is more like 330 miles out (the mileage radius setting on the dating site must be out of whack), and we started talking. A LOT. Had so much in common, I thought she was super cute, so I set it up to drive to meet her 2 weekends later.

 

I just got back from the trip Sunday night.

 

So, first thing's first. I wasn't nearly as physically attracted to her in person as I thought I'd be. So there's that. But, I still was attracted to her on enough of a level to want to kiss her, and snuggle with her and stay the weekend with her, and I did all those things. I actually had a great time with her. We hung out with her friends who were great .. we just had a lot of fun. There was a lot of physical chemistry, even though to my eyes it wasn't the most ideal. (I'm a big face person, and her face wasn't my absolute favorite, but could very possibly be one I could grow to find super adorable .. if that makes sense).

 

So, I guess that's my first struggle right now. I left confused. I has a great time, but I'm unsure about my level of attraction. Yet, I still craved talking to her after I left. I actually am so sad that she doesn't live closer, because in any other situation I would want to see her again and see if maybe I am just over-reacting to looks I wasn't necessarily expecting, and see if that attraction could grow. I already know there is chemistry, and I love talking to her.

 

The other struggle is that she really liked me. And she is getting frustrated that we live so far away and texting things now like, "I wish we could cuddle. Why did we even meet? It's torture because now I want to spend time with you and I can't." I tell her we can visit again and she will say something like, "It seems pointless. You live there and I live here." I get the feeling that she doesn't want to invest any more and get hurt, or feel even more "tortured" if we see each other and I leave again.

 

I don't know how to respond. I am open to relocating at some point in the future should I meet my soulmate. Had I felt she was everything I ever was dreaming of right away, I would probably do anything to visit as often as possible and eventually try and make some sort of plan for us to be together. Obviously it wasn't at first sight with her that everything in me screamed "Yes this is it!", but I'm still super curious and I definitely want to see her again and see what is possibly there. She is also still the person I want to talk to before I go to bed and first thing in the morning. So, it hurts now, this situation we are in. I understand where she is coming from, and I am frustrated as well.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm not feeling tortured, per se, but I am feeling severely disappointed that I can't pursue this in the way I would would want to, and I miss her. We spent a cold weekend wrapped up in each other's arms. I go home now to my cold house and wish we could be back at hers, holding each other.

 

Is this silly? Should I just let this die off since it wasn't an at-first-sight fairytale visit that would compel me to just uproot and go follow her? It's more of a situation where I feel I would need to go on lots and lots of dates with her to get a good idea for what I feel with her. My first reaction was one of "Yes, I would like to see this girl again". But perhaps that is not a strong enough reaction to justify 330 miles? Especially since she is having a hard time with this distance? Ugh. What did I get myself into?

Edited January 6, 2016 by DontBreakEven

[TMichaels]

Sounds to me like you're lonely and trying to convince yourself something is better than nothing.

 

She also sounds like at the least, clingy -- at the worst, a potential stalker -- but that's my opinion based on what little you wrote.

 

Either way, doesn't sound like a match made in heaven to me, but on the other hand, the whole "love at first sight" concept is something that happens often in romance novels and movies, and not always in real life.

 

IOW, to determine the potential of a relationship on just one meeting is kinda silly UNLESS your gut is telling you something else. One thing is for sure though, if BOTH of you aren't willing to travel and make time for each other so you can really get to know one another, and/or eventually take the plunge and move, don't bother.

 

Just too much hassle, heartache, and drama unless there's a real commitment and interest there.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[DontBreakEven]

This is new territory for me. Typically I chase chase chase people who are not only not into me, but also treat me pretty crappy.

 

I recently met someone (long distance online date - a few hundred miles away - I drove out there to meet her), who, after our first date is definitely more into me than I am her. Don't get me wrong - I liked her. I did. There was a chemistry there for sure, even though she wasn't completely what I was expecting/hoping looks-wise. Still, she was cute, and I enjoyed being around her immensely. I mean ... I kissed her and cuddled with her and stayed the night ... so it definitely wasn't one of those text-my-friends-and-bail-me-out situations. Not even close.

 

But the next day I kind of completely freaked out. Woke up and got extremely anxious, but we still cuddled all day. I went to lunch with her, and found myself kind of pushing her away emotionally. I don't know if I just got all in my head, or what was going on. It was basically because she physically wasn't everything I had ever hoped for, and that seemed to be blocking me from allowing myself to feel anything at all.

 

I drove back home that night, and it became very obvious that for her, the date was everything she had hoped for, and more.

 

It's a weird situation due to the distance. If she were close and I could see her again right away, this would be something I would definitely give a shot and begin to feel out, because I did really like her. But she's not close, so I feel there is a bit of pressure surrounding each visit going forward. She seems to be completely sure how she's feeling, and I'm not ... so I feel like a total a**hole in a way. She has already called me out on acting a bit aloof since I left, and I am torn about that. Because part of me is super intrigued ... I actually really had a great time, and I miss her already. But I also don't want to say too much and go into ungenuine territory. She is stating all these amazing things about me, and I am responding telling her how unbelievably sweet and kind she was (because she was), but I feel that it's obvious I'm not giving her the same feeling back that she is giving me.

 

What do you do with this? I really would hate to just let it fade, because there could be something there - and honestly, the thought of not talking to her anymore or not seeing her again makes me really sad. She is the one I want to say good morning and good night to. But it's also going to be a lot of time and effort into finding out what exactly is there, as we live so far away from each other. I guess my biggest fear is, after a couple more visits, I am still feeling unsure, and she has grown attached. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also want to be able to have a shot at love if it could possibly be there. Everything else about this girl drives me wild. The only downfall is that at first sight, I wasn't jumping out of my skin, ya know?

 

Please, any advice would be appreciated.

[DontBreakEven]

Ps. I think I have a history of doing this. Even posted about it over a year ago with my last girlfriend. It's like when things seem like they could be good, I tend to freak out and find the flaws. I'm really trying to grow up and accentuate the positive.

[Toodaloo]

Then take your time to appreciate the good.

 

Why do you HAVE to have a girlfriend anyway? What do you want from it? What do you think you have to offer and give back?

[DontBreakEven]

I have everything to offer, I think. Love, time, attention. I don't HAVE to have a girlfriend at all. I am wanting to just date her and see what happens ... I think the problem is that she is starting to have intense feelings. Typically it's ME that has intense feelings right away and the other person is just like "eh let's see what happens". I'm more secure in that role because I know how to handle it. Seeing someone feel something more for me than what I feel for them is very strange territory for me. It's hard. I don't want to hurt her at ALL. And I feel crappy for not being able to genuinely return the sentiments (at least not yet). So I am trying to say the positive things that I can, and hope that this situation doesn't get even more unbalanced as time goes by, but rather becomes more even. But obviously feelings are something that are out of my control. I want to like her a lot. And I do. It's just I don't know if the physical aspect is completely there. Which is 100x harder to assess when I am unable to physically see her again right away.

[scooby-philly]

You owe yourself and her some respect. It's a long distance thing, so unless the chemistry was wild beyond all imagination, then I wouldn't sacrifice your respect or dignity nor hers. I've been in two long-term relationships where the person didn't love me as much as I loved them and the one-sided eventually shows - particularly in the person who loves more demeanor.

 

Exactly as you said - you'll grow more distant as she gets more attached, so to speak. I'm not normally one to offer shots from the hip, but after reading your post and response to the one respondent's question, seriously - if you do have a lot to offer, offer it to someone who has the same level of interest in you as you do in them.

[smackie9]

You owe yourself and her some respect. It's a long distance thing, so unless the chemistry was wild beyond all imagination, then I wouldn't sacrifice your respect or dignity nor hers. I've been in two long-term relationships where the person didn't love me as much as I loved them and the one-sided eventually shows - particularly in the person who loves more demeanor.

 

Exactly as you said - you'll grow more distant as she gets more attached, so to speak. I'm not normally one to offer shots from the hip, but after reading your post and response to the one respondent's question, seriously - if you do have a lot to offer, offer it to someone who has the same level of interest in you as you do in them.

I agree with this^^^. You really need to be honest with yourself and with her before it gets way out of control. It may be hurtful news to her that you don't feel that "spark", but at least you are not flaking/fading/avoiding making her feel worse with confusion.

[lilmissjava]

The only downfall is that at first sight, I wasn't jumping out of my skin, ya know?

 

I have read many stories on this site alone where physical attraction came later after every other box was checked after an initial meeting and subsequent dates. It wouldn't be unheard of to let someone "grow" on you. But that is your prerogative.

 

It is however, quite the investment to make when hundreds of miles separate the two of you.

 

I wouldn't have even considered traveling that far to meet someone.

 

But to each his own

[smudge21]

I'd be honest with her. Just tell her exactly how you feel. I get what others say but from what you say there, you clearly do have some feelings for her but are worried for her just as much as yourself. You come across as a nice guy on here so let her see that too, and just tell her the truth, exactly as you've told us. Yes, she may have fallen hard for you, but she may understand and be willing to go at your pace. Plus, being open and honest now may make for something better in the future. I can understand both sides of the story here having been there myself - sometimes people just instantly click and othertimes it can build slowly. No harm in that if you're both prepared to accept how each other feels and simply see where things go. Just my two cents.

[GoodOnPaper]

I recently met someone (long distance online date - a few hundred miles away - I drove out there to meet her), who, after our first date is definitely more into me than I am her. Don't get me wrong - I liked her. I did. There was a chemistry there for sure, even though she wasn't completely what I was expecting/hoping looks-wise. Still, she was cute, and I enjoyed being around her immensely. I mean ... I kissed her and cuddled with her and stayed the night ... so it definitely wasn't one of those text-my-friends-and-bail-me-out situations. Not even close.

 

But the next day I kind of completely freaked out. Woke up and got extremely anxious, but we still cuddled all day. I went to lunch with her, and found myself kind of pushing her away emotionally. I don't know if I just got all in my head, or what was going on. It was basically because she physically wasn't everything I had ever hoped for, and that seemed to be blocking me from allowing myself to feel anything at all.

 

Minus the long-distance factor, this is very similar to how my wife and I started out, and like you, with the few previous GFs I had, I was always the one that felt more attraction, so I had zero experience rejecting anyone. I also tried to push my wife away but that just attracted her more -- yes, that PUA trick does work, except that I wasn't pretending to be hard to get.

 

In the end, I stuck it out. In the big scheme of things, it was probably a good thing to do -- our compatibility factor is very high -- but digging into the details, there are significant things I am still conflicted about and this saps a lot more of my mental energy than I'd like.

 

I think in your case, the long-distance factor looms LARGE. LDRs are very difficult when both partners are totally into each other. If one partner is conflicted, an LDR could easily be a disaster waiting to happen.

[Amelie1980]

I'd be honest with her. Just tell her exactly how you feel. I get what others say but from what you say there, you clearly do have some feelings for her but are worried for her just as much as yourself. You come across as a nice guy on here so let her see that too, and just tell her the truth, exactly as you've told us. Yes, she may have fallen hard for you, but she may understand and be willing to go at your pace. Plus, being open and honest now may make for something better in the future. I can understand both sides of the story here having been there myself - sometimes people just instantly click and othertimes it can build slowly. No harm in that if you're both prepared to accept how each other feels and simply see where things go. Just my two cents.

 

The OP is a woman. It's easy to assume someone is straight.

[fitnessfan365]

You owe yourself and her some respect. It's a long distance thing, so unless the chemistry was wild beyond all imagination, then I wouldn't sacrifice your respect or dignity nor hers. I've been in two long-term relationships where the person didn't love me as much as I loved them and the one-sided eventually shows - particularly in the person who loves more demeanor.

 

Exactly as you said - you'll grow more distant as she gets more attached, so to speak. I'm not normally one to offer shots from the hip, but after reading your post and response to the one respondent's question, seriously - if you do have a lot to offer, offer it to someone who has the same level of interest in you as you do in them.

 

THIS..

 

Why waste your time or hers on a long distance situation that's luke warm? I'm actually surprised you met w/her in the first place since she's so far away.

[Kamille]

You're not responsible for her feelings. She is. Yet it reads as though you think you are. She's a grown up. She can handle herself.

 

So what if she digs you more than you dig her right now? The question is: do you like her enough to want to see her again?

 

On another note. I recognize the pattern. Were you by any chance a kid who felt responsible for the wellbeing of a parent? Kids who grow up in those situations tend to feel responsible for the well-being of others and avoid commitment as a result (because commitment, for us, is a big deal). We also feel more comfortable in relationships where others keep us at a distance. I should know...

[TheNextLawyer]

THIS..

 

Why waste your time or hers on a long distance situation that's luke warm? I'm actually surprised you met w/her in the first place since she's so far away.

 

I would not rule out long distance as I am so used to most of my relatives being far away. Wouldn't want it forever though.

[fitnessfan365]

Let's say you end up with someone locally. You're together for awhile, have a strong connection, and are very invested in each other. Then one person has to move away. That version of long distance I can understand.

 

But the "online" version of long distance where two complete strangers that live hours away from each other arrange to meet has always seemed silly to me. There should always be closer options to choose from.

Edited January 7, 2016 by fitnessfan365

[Robratory]

I guess my biggest fear is, after a couple more visits, I am still feeling unsure, and she has grown attached. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also want to be able to have a shot at love if it could possibly be there. Everything else about this girl drives me wild. The only downfall is that at first sight, I wasn't jumping out of my skin, ya know?

 

It's possible that you're projecting your fear on to her, and it's possible that while she's demonstrative, she's no more into you that you are into her.

 

Why don't you have a real honest talk with her? But first evaluate the situation more closely. Is she really over the top in her affections, or are you just used to being treated "pretty crappy?" And given the distance, what were you thinking in the first place? Are you open to relocate? What was the plan?

 

You weren't jumping out of your skin at first sight? I'm 58, and I've been around quite a bit. In my experience, that immediate attraction you sometimes feel has nothing to do with how happy and satisfied you will be in that relationship. Don't let the search for perfection turn into a wild goose chase.

[katiegrl]

This is new territory for me. Typically I chase chase chase people who are not only not into me, but also treat me pretty crappy.

I recently met someone (long distance online date - a few hundred miles away - I drove out there to meet her), who, after our first date is definitely more into me than I am her. Don't get me wrong - I liked her. I did. There was a chemistry there for sure, even though she wasn't completely what I was expecting/hoping looks-wise. Still, she was cute, and I enjoyed being around her immensely. I mean ... I kissed her and cuddled with her and stayed the night ... so it definitely wasn't one of those text-my-friends-and-bail-me-out situations. Not even close.

 

But the next day I kind of completely freaked out. Woke up and got extremely anxious, but we still cuddled all day. I went to lunch with her, and found myself kind of pushing her away emotionally. I don't know if I just got all in my head, or what was going on. It was basically because she physically wasn't everything I had ever hoped for, and that seemed to be blocking me from allowing myself to feel anything at all.

 

 

Three words -- fear of commitment/relationships.

 

You are a classic case. When the girl is NOT into you....there is no threat of the dreaded "relationship."

 

But when a girl DOES like you... you become anxious and start to freak - feeling pressured by all the expectations having a relationship brings -- loss of freedom being a big one.... but there are a myriad of other pressures you feel as well.

 

Chasing a girl who IS NOT into you is safer (emotionally), no threat of any relationship happening there.

 

Good luck with that -- it's a tough fear to conquer.

Edited January 7, 2016 by katiegrl

[thecrucible]

Hey OP, I hope it works out for you. I would say due to the distance that it will be tough to make it work when you are not enthusiastic in the beginning. It's probably best to get to know her better over a longer period of time without it necessarily becoming a relationship. I just know as I've been long distance that it's really difficult to get to work as it is, let alone with uncertain feelings hanging over it.

 

Did you meet her on an online dating site? Did you decide there was less chemistry than you were expecting on meeting?

[frus69]

Can I ask what she looks like and how did you project her to look like

[DontBreakEven]

Three words -- fear of commitment/relationships.

 

You are a classic case. When the girl is NOT into you....there is no threat of the dreaded "relationship."

 

But when a girl DOES like you... you become anxious and start to freak - feeling pressured by all the expectations having a relationship brings -- loss of freedom being a big one.... but there are a myriad of other pressures you feel as well.

 

Chasing a girl who IS NOT into you is safer (emotionally), no threat of any relationship happening there.

 

Good luck with that -- it's a tough fear to conquer.

 

Ugh. Hi Katie. Before I even opened up this forum again to read this, I was Googling "What does fear of intimacy feel like?" (My browser failed, so I never was able to find out)

 

I have to finally admit this to myself. I have an issue. And I'm shocked, because when I'm chasing, you would think intimacy is my #1 desire in life. But it really seems that I look for it where I know it will not be. And when it DOES present itself, I panic. And the way I typically panic is by finding something wrong with the person's appearance. With my exfiance, she had a crooked nose ... my ex after that had one messed up tooth and could probably stand to have liposuction. (This is seriously the crap that goes through my head ... I'm unsure who I think I am to dare nitpick these things on others ... me, the girl who once cried herself to sleep thinking no one would love me because I have a bigger nose).

 

What do I do about this? I'm starting to wonder if this is why all my relationships end in complete and total abandonment of me by my partner?

[DontBreakEven]

Can I ask what she looks like and how did you project her to look like

 

She's cute. I projected her to look sexy. I don't know if that makes a whole lot of sense. She doesn't smile in her pictures, and so I didn't really know what that would look like. Her smile is what I would describe as "cute", not sexy, per se.

[DontBreakEven]

Hey OP, I hope it works out for you. I would say due to the distance that it will be tough to make it work when you are not enthusiastic in the beginning. It's probably best to get to know her better over a longer period of time without it necessarily becoming a relationship. I just know as I've been long distance that it's really difficult to get to work as it is, let alone with uncertain feelings hanging over it.

 

Did you meet her on an online dating site? Did you decide there was less chemistry than you were expecting on meeting?

 

Thanks Crucible. This is what I want to do, but I feel like she is already falling. I don't know how to curb that, or what to do when I can't reciprocate at the moment.

 

I did meet her online and right when I saw her I just thought that she wasn't quite exactly what I was expecting, lookswise (ya know sometimes people just look different in person). But oddly enough I still had chemistry with her. I enjoyed being around her, I wanted to kiss her and stay with her. She, of course, told me I am way more attractive in person.

[DontBreakEven]

By the way everyone,

 

The reason I'm doing such distance as an online relationship is because I am a woman, who is dating another woman. I have posted in another thread but basically I have exhausted my options in this town. The community is small. I'm over it. And for the right person I would eventually be open to relocating.

[katiegrl]

Ugh. Hi Katie. Before I even opened up this forum again to read this, I was Googling "What does fear of intimacy feel like?" (My browser failed, so I never was able to find out)

 

I have to finally admit this to myself. I have an issue. And I'm shocked, because when I'm chasing, you would think intimacy is my #1 desire in life. But it really seems that I look for it where I know it will not be. And when it DOES present itself, I panic. And the way I typically panic is by finding something wrong with the person's appearance. With my exfiance, she had a crooked nose ... my ex after that had one messed up tooth and could probably stand to have liposuction. (This is seriously the crap that goes through my head ... I'm unsure who I think I am to dare nitpick these things on others ... me, the girl who once cried herself to sleep thinking no one would love me because I have a bigger nose).

 

What do I do about this? I'm starting to wonder if this is why all my relationships end in complete and total abandonment of me by my partner?

 

Hi back at ya...

 

Yup, everything you just wrote indicates "commitment phobia." And for those who don't believe it exists.... well the proof is right here.

 

It's not a matter of her meeting the "right" woman....when people have this fear, there IS no right woman (or man). There will always be something wrong, no matter how ridiculous.

 

The only person who IS "right" is a person who IS NOT into her (or him if a man has the fear). Because again, when she encounters a woman who is not into her....there is no threat of any relationship (or subsequent commitment) happening...so she is free to fall madly in love to her heart's content.

 

But guarantee if that SAME woman were to begin liking/loving her back.... suddenly the fear pops up - along with the pressures, the expectations of a "relationship"....and suddenly she starts looking for things not to like - and voila - she's turned off.

 

OP....there is a great book called "He's Scared, She's Scared," about commitment/relationship fears.... it was a best seller and you can find it at Amazon.com.

 

It may help you.....hope so cuz like I said, tough fear to conquer.

 

Wish you the best!

Edited January 8, 2016 by katiegrl