When Someone Is More Into You Than You Are Them

[carhill]

OP, also, if you feel stuck and this issue has been running for awhile and interfering with establishing healthy relationships, try a psych and focus on attachment styles and the progression of your particular style from when you were young.

 

I've only faced this issue, the one in the title, a couple times and it was where I used, as an overview, a wonderful line women taught me during my dating years, mainly when rejecting me, specifically 'I don't feel that way about you'. The most poignant was with someone I did care for greatly but where I had made the choice to pursue someone more local to me. It was a tough conversation to have. However, I drew strength from all the women who had been honest, even if a bit harsh, with me in the past and pressed on.

 

Your milieu sounds a bit different, more in the realm of intimacy and attachment difficulties, so resolution will be unique as well. I mentioned the psych because he was a great help to me much later in my marriage. Earlier and that work might have saved the marriage. Good luck!

[frus69]

She's cute. I projected her to look sexy. I don't know if that makes a whole lot of sense. She doesn't smile in her pictures, and so I didn't really know what that would look like. Her smile is what I would describe as "cute", not sexy, per se.

 

So she is not like totally fat or short hence nothing like her pictures?

 

 

Sounds like her pictures are sexy cuz she doesn't smile. So if she doesn't smile in front of you,would you think she is sexy then?

 

 

I'm just trying to determine if its the look , or its actually because you have commitment issues.

[Eighty_nine]

I think there's a point where we all realize we don't mind not getting ideal physical partner in lieu of many other great qualities. Attraction is always important, and you're still attracted to her despite the fact that she didn't look as you thought she would I think it's just about whether you're at that place or not... I think it takes time to get there.

[BettyDraper]

Minus the long-distance factor, this is very similar to how my wife and I started out, and like you, with the few previous GFs I had, I was always the one that felt more attraction, so I had zero experience rejecting anyone. I also tried to push my wife away but that just attracted her more -- yes, that PUA trick does work, except that I wasn't pretending to be hard to get.

 

In the end, I stuck it out. In the big scheme of things, it was probably a good thing to do -- our compatibility factor is very high -- but digging into the details, there are significant things I am still conflicted about and this saps a lot more of my mental energy than I'd like.

 

I think in your case, the long-distance factor looms LARGE. LDRs are very difficult when both partners are totally into each other. If one partner is conflicted, an LDR could easily be a disaster waiting to happen.

 

That PUA stuff only works on insecure women who have low self esteem. I've come to realize that the one who cares less has all the power, so when I learned that I approached my relationships differently. When my husband and I were dating and he was aloof, I just focused on my own life more and he changed his tune immediately.

 

OP, LDRs are hard enough as they are. I have had a couple and I would never do it again. Not being into the person who are with who lives far way only complicates an already tenuous situation. If you are aware that you look for flaws and feel more comfortable chasing people who don't treat you well, there are some obvious commitment difficulties that you need to work on. Physical appearance is important but not as much as chemistry and connection.

Edited January 8, 2016 by BettyDraper

[todreaminblue]

hey....sooner or later you are going to have to face your fears....of getting close to someone.....it wont be easy but if you move slowly you will be ok you know......allow people to get close to you because there are things you miss out on by holding them at bay...one is true intimacy.....affection that comes from the heart......yours and theirs.....giving and receiving.....

 

its always been hard for me to let people in really close to me...i always have that final barrier to overcome....and its trust.....i have to trust them ....and even though there is a possibility of me being hurt...i have to lower that final barrier.....and it isnt easy......because once it is down i go for broke......and yep guess what.....been broke......

 

 

i am actually much better off having been broken......i know what its like to have a broken heart and i dont go around breakin' others hearts not intentionally ...i am careful of how guys feel..........and secondly...i know what its like to love someone.....there isnt anything quite like really loving someone and having them love you.....dont you miss out on that....waiting on a ghost you havent met yet....

 

 

learn to take risks..... and recognise you when you are picking out flaws...it is a self protection mechanism..so every flaw you find....remember something good....because you can ....break even...good luck.....deb

[DontBreakEven]

When my husband and I were dating and he was aloof, I just focused on my own life more and he changed his tune immediately.

 

This is interesting because this is one of the things I have found extremely sexy about her personality. She actually used the word "aloof" on me yesterday, calling me out for acting different since I left visiting her. She was angry, and ignored me the next day, then when I came calling she simply just said "Why are you acting different?" It freaked me out and I found myself changing my tune right away. So odd.

[DontBreakEven]

So she is not like totally fat or short hence nothing like her pictures?

 

 

Sounds like her pictures are sexy cuz she doesn't smile. So if she doesn't smile in front of you,would you think she is sexy then?

 

 

I'm just trying to determine if its the look , or its actually because you have commitment issues.

 

No there is nothing crazy different about her that she hid. It's just in person, her face is not quite what I expected. She makes like a very stern sexy face in pictures and videos, and obviously in real life you talk, you laugh, you crinkle your nose. It just causes a different look ... I guess one that I wasn't expecting, if that makes any sense. Not a bad look, just not necessarily a look that I would have seeked out to begin with. Just a different look than what I go for. I'm a big face person. But I am being overly critical of hers. It's completely unfair.

[DontBreakEven]

Hi back at ya...

 

Yup, everything you just wrote indicates "commitment phobia." And for those who don't believe it exists.... well the proof is right here.

 

It's not a matter of her meeting the "right" woman....when people have this fear, there IS no right woman (or man). There will always be something wrong, no matter how ridiculous.

 

The only person who IS "right" is a person who IS NOT into her (or him if a man has the fear). Because again, when she encounters a woman who is not into her....there is no threat of any relationship (or subsequent commitment) happening...so she is free to fall madly in love to her heart's content.

 

But guarantee if that SAME woman were to begin liking/loving her back.... suddenly the fear pops up - along with the pressures, the expectations of a "relationship"....and suddenly she starts looking for things not to like - and voila - she's turned off.

 

OP....there is a great book called "He's Scared, She's Scared," about commitment/relationship fears.... it was a best seller and you can find it at Amazon.com.

 

It may help you.....hope so cuz like I said, tough fear to conquer.

 

Wish you the best!

 

It's so hard for me to grasp this, cause I do it on an extremely subconscious level. I will definitely fall madly in love for people not into me. But then I do once in a while manage to fall madly in love for someone who was into me initially (after I assure myself we will just get her a nose job or liposuction ). But the real madness doesn't start until they start pulling away. It's amazing how the few people that I have had seemingly "healthy" relationships with, that I fell for and thought they felt the same way, ended up so callously turning on me. Perhaps subconsciously I knew they would, which gave me the go ahead to fall for them? It's just so much to wrap my head around.

[katiegrl]

It's so hard for me to grasp this, cause I do it on an extremely subconscious level. I will definitely fall madly in love for people not into me. But then I do once in a while manage to fall madly in love for someone who was into me initially (after I assure myself we will just get her a nose job or liposuction ). But the real madness doesn't start until they start pulling away. It's amazing how the few people that I have had seemingly "healthy" relationships with, that I fell for and thought they felt the same way, ended up so callously turning on me. Perhaps subconsciously I knew they would, which gave me the go ahead to fall for them? It's just so much to wrap my head around.

 

These fears are usually if not always subconscious (at least at first)....but when certain behaviors (i.e. chasing women who don't want you, finding fault with those who do) become a pattern in your life, it is only natural (and smart) to start exploring why.

 

Which I sense is what you are beginning to do, which is good! Introspection is always good.

 

It would be interesting to see how you would react and feel if this girl suddenly were to become unavailable. Tell you she was no longer interested..

 

Would you then suddenly feel attraction for her? And start chasing her?

 

Something to only think about I guess ....unless it actually happens!

[DontBreakEven]

These fears are usually if not always subconscious (at least at first)....but when certain behaviors (i.e. chasing women who don't want you, finding fault with those who do) become a pattern in your life, it is only natural (and smart) to start exploring why.

 

Which I sense is what you are beginning to do, which is good! Introspection is always good.

 

It would be interesting to see how you would react and feel if this girl suddenly were to become unavailable. Tell you she was no longer interested..

 

Would you then suddenly feel attraction for her? And start chasing her?

 

Something to only think about I guess ....unless it actually happens!

 

I have a strong feeling that I would. In fact, I feel that my overwhelming feelings of anxiety I've had this week since I saw her (and will probably have until I see her again), would be curbed if she wasn't so available. And the day she didn't text me in the morning because she was upset the night before that I was acting "different", I finally was hitting her up like, "Where are you?" Like I keep thinking in my head all the physical reasons that I don't want her, but I can't leave her alone.

 

And the thoughts of the physical reasons are driving me crazy too, because I can't even completely remember what she looks like - crazy, right? It was like I blocked it out. I've been wanting to see her again to try and figure out what exactly I was trippin over. Unfortunately, simply seeing her again requires her driving here to stay with me for a weekend (which she plans on doing). Just sucks that I can't casually hang out with her for a drink one night here and there and figure my issues out. I don't want to hurt anyone or waste anyone's time. But I genuinely do want to see her again. If she lived here I'd have taken her on a 2nd date already.

 

On a good note, my ex that I was chasing the entire year of 2015 emailed me a stupid one-sentence email crumb the other night, and I didn't bat an eye. So at least I'm hopefully on my road to recovery of NOT chasing those that don't want me. Now just need to navigate on how to accept those that do ...

 

Do you all really think this is the problem? Or maybe I just am not that into her? My confliction lies in that every other time I have not been into someone, I would have certainly cut it off from jump, and certainly not kissed that person, or done any of that. I wanted to be close to her, to snuggle with her and kiss her. So I feel like that says it was something else in my mind going crazy.

[dobielover]

Ugh. Hi Katie. Before I even opened up this forum again to read this, I was Googling "What does fear of intimacy feel like?" (My browser failed, so I never was able to find out)

 

I have to finally admit this to myself. I have an issue. And I'm shocked, because when I'm chasing, you would think intimacy is my #1 desire in life. But it really seems that I look for it where I know it will not be. And when it DOES present itself, I panic. And the way I typically panic is by finding something wrong with the person's appearance. With my exfiance, she had a crooked nose ... my ex after that had one messed up tooth and could probably stand to have liposuction. (This is seriously the crap that goes through my head ... I'm unsure who I think I am to dare nitpick these things on others ... me, the girl who once cried herself to sleep thinking no one would love me because I have a bigger nose).

 

What do I do about this? I'm starting to wonder if this is why all my relationships end in complete and total abandonment of me by my partner?

 

Look up fearful-avoidant attachment theory. It requires therapy to get over, honestly.

[katiegrl]

I have a strong feeling that I would. In fact, I feel that my overwhelming feelings of anxiety I've had this week since I saw her (and will probably have until I see her again), would be curbed if she wasn't so available. And the day she didn't text me in the morning because she was upset the night before that I was acting "different", I finally was hitting her up like, "Where are you?" Like I keep thinking in my head all the physical reasons that I don't want her, but I can't leave her alone.

 

And the thoughts of the physical reasons are driving me crazy too, because I can't even completely remember what she looks like - crazy, right? It was like I blocked it out. I've been wanting to see her again to try and figure out what exactly I was trippin over. Unfortunately, simply seeing her again requires her driving here to stay with me for a weekend (which she plans on doing). Just sucks that I can't casually hang out with her for a drink one night here and there and figure my issues out. I don't want to hurt anyone or waste anyone's time. But I genuinely do want to see her again. If she lived here I'd have taken her on a 2nd date already.

 

On a good note, my ex that I was chasing the entire year of 2015 emailed me a stupid one-sentence email crumb the other night, and I didn't bat an eye. So at least I'm hopefully on my road to recovery of NOT chasing those that don't want me. Now just need to navigate on how to accept those that do ...

 

Do you all really think this is the problem? Or maybe I just am not that into her? My confliction lies in that every other time I have not been into someone, I would have certainly cut it off from jump, and certainly not kissed that person, or done any of that. I wanted to be close to her, to snuggle with her and kiss her. So I feel like that says it was something else in my mind going crazy.

 

Well commitment fears are all about *conflict*. And conflicted feelings.

 

On one hand, you like her and want to go for it (a relationship).

 

On the other hand, your anxieties cause you to want to pull away. To look for flaws, and dissect things in an unreasonable and unhealthy way (like her looks for example).

 

It's a constant struggle and battle within yourself! A push/pull of sorts.

 

Pick up the book I suggested earlier "He's Scared, She's Scared.". It details all of this, and more! It is a great book.

 

And hey, I had the same struggles when I was younger (early 20s). I read books, sought therapy, and did a lot of introspection.

 

Eventually I overcame these struggles and am able to love in a healthy way now....and not want to run.

 

No one is perfect. There are no perfect people ...... love and relationships are all about acceptance.

 

I really applaud you for recognizing you have issues, and wanting to explore them.

 

That is the first step.....keep going!

 

Again, good luck to you!

Edited January 8, 2016 by katiegrl

[DontBreakEven]

Katie,

 

So I got the book and I'm reading it. And yes, I am clearly subconsciously picking apart the physical aspects of girls who like me, and placing ones that don't on some beauty pedestal.

 

And I know that you said this is a tough issue to get over, but how do I even start? Like the pros for the current girl I am talking to outweigh the cons by far, and yet all I want to focus on is that I think I'm not into her facial expressions (yet somehow I was into something enough to want to kiss her, and make love to her)

 

My fear now is saying sweet things to her. Reciprocating how she is being towards me. I'm scared that if I do that, I will be leading her on ... in case I just cannot get over my issues when I am with her. She is so sweet and kind, and so into me, and I love it.

 

I don't know how to rid myself of a subconscious fear, when it is manifesting as conscious and leading me to tell myself that I'm not attracted to her. I'm conflicted because I think I am actually attracted to her. UGHHHH.

[katiegrl]

Katie,

 

So I got the book and I'm reading it. And yes, I am clearly subconsciously picking apart the physical aspects of girls who like me, and placing ones that don't on some beauty pedestal.

 

And I know that you said this is a tough issue to get over, but how do I even start? Like the pros for the current girl I am talking to outweigh the cons by far, and yet all I want to focus on is that I think I'm not into her facial expressions (yet somehow I was into something enough to want to kiss her, and make love to her)

 

My fear now is saying sweet things to her. Reciprocating how she is being towards me. I'm scared that if I do that, I will be leading her on ... in case I just cannot get over my issues when I am with her. She is so sweet and kind, and so into me, and I love it.

 

I don't know how to rid myself of a subconscious fear, when it is manifesting as conscious and leading me to tell myself that I'm not attracted to her. I'm conflicted because I think I am actually attracted to her. UGHHHH.

 

The only thing I can suggest is therapy.... I did, and am still in therapy, and it has helped me tremendously.

 

One thing my therapist advised me was to make the decision *not* to run. Make the decision to *stand still* with someone for awhile. And stop analyzing every little quirk and foible to the nth degree.

 

Yes you will feel ambivalent and conflicted feelings, but CHOOSE to hang with it, don't run.

 

Consider it a *challenge* NOT to run. May be the biggest challenge of your life, but could be well worth it in the end.

 

And don't blame her for your feelings either. Not that you are, but it would be common if you did.

 

In time, these feelings will pass. They did for me!

 

Choose to be happy!

[DontBreakEven]

The only thing I can suggest is therapy.... I did, and am still in therapy, and it has helped me tremendously.

 

One thing my therapist advised me was to make the decision *not* to run. Make the decision to *stand still* with someone for awhile. And stop analyzing every little quirk and foible to the nth degree.

 

Yes you will feel ambivalent and conflicted feelings, but CHOOSE to hang with it, don't run.

 

Consider it a *challenge* NOT to run. May be the biggest challenge of your life, but could be well worth it in the end.

 

And don't blame her for your feelings either. Not that you are, but it would be common if you did.

 

In time, these feelings will pass. They did for me!

 

Choose to be happy!

 

Thank you so much. And choosing not to run is okay? It doesn't mean that I'm using her or leading her on?

 

I'm not really blaming her for my feelings. I'm more so blaming ME for HERS, if that makes any sense at all. Like I am feeling guilty if I say something to her that I know she'll love. Feel like I'm drawing her in more to a potential hurtful situation for her. Awful.

[katiegrl]

Thank you so much. And choosing not to run is okay? It doesn't mean that I'm using her or leading her on?

 

I'm not really blaming her for my feelings. I'm more so blaming ME for HERS, if that makes any sense at all. Like I am feeling guilty if I say something to her that I know she'll love. Feel like I'm drawing her in more to a potential hurtful situation for her. Awful.

 

If you like her, are attracted to her, enjoy spending time with her, how is that using her and leading her on?

 

You are dating, not proposing marriage.

 

People date to see where it will lead .....so no at this point you are not mis-leading her.

 

Enjoy it!

 

If down the road, you realize she is absolutely NOT the one for you ...and you could never see yourself *committing* to her, then you be honest with her, and end it.

 

But that is way down the road, don't jump ahead of yourself.

 

I know how you feel, it is typical commitment phobe behavior.

 

Your thinking is ...if you continue dating her, she's gonna think you want to marry her. She is gonna have all these expectations, and your life will be over! Lol. Okay extreme, but a lot of commitment phobes think that way.

 

I highly doubt that is what she is thinking!

 

You are dating, period. Who knows where it will lead, if anywhere! It is too soon to know that, that's for damn sure.

 

Try and relax and not over-think. And enjoy!!! It sounds good!

Edited January 11, 2016 by katiegrl

[Blanco]

OP, could is simply be a matter of you just not being ready? If I recall, there was about a week between you finally giving up on your ex and meeting this woman. You basically had no time between still feeling extremely hung up on the ex and then shifting focus to this woman.

 

Perhaps some time to yourself and a breather from dating or thinking about relationships for a while would be a good idea.

[katiegrl]

OP, could is simply be a matter of you just not being ready? If I recall, there was about a week between you finally giving up on your ex and meeting this woman. You basically had no time between still feeling extremely hung up on the ex and then shifting focus to this woman.

 

Perhaps some time to yourself and a breather from dating or thinking about relationships for a while would be a good idea.

 

I could be wrong, but I don't believe the previous woman was an ex. She was a girl the OP was chasing, who was not interested in her.

 

Then she met this new girl, who IS interested in her and all these issues and conflicts pop up.

 

OP also said same thing happened with her last girlfriend/relationship which was over a year ago ....where the woman was into her and things were going well. OP started looking for flaws and all these things *wrong* with her. Sabotaging. See post no. 2.

 

Only happens when women are into her and actually like her.

 

When they're not interested, and OP is busy chasing them....these fears and conflicts are non-existent.

 

Very telling of commitment issues IMO.

Edited January 11, 2016 by katiegrl

[DontBreakEven]

OP, could is simply be a matter of you just not being ready? If I recall, there was about a week between you finally giving up on your ex and meeting this woman. You basically had no time between still feeling extremely hung up on the ex and then shifting focus to this woman.

 

Perhaps some time to yourself and a breather from dating or thinking about relationships for a while would be a good idea.

 

Blanco ... somewhat correct, though I had been broken up with my ex since May. So I think what happened last month when I finally let go of my ex was me really finally letting go of the idea of my ex. And yeah about a week later, I met this woman.

 

Oddly enough, I didn't need to recover. I posted on here about how it was the first day of the rest of my life, and it was. I completely and totally let go of my ex finally when I made that post. It was like a weight was lifted. And yes, Katie, I tried sabotaging things with that same ex a month into our relationship (see my post in August 2014 "I feel like a horrible person", or something like that). Basically saying I felt that she needed liposuction (this was when she was into me). My ex prior to that had a crooked nose that I didn't know if I could handle (also when she was into me) ... oddly enough, both women became the hottest things on the planet once they had one foot out the door.

 

But, I am now recognizing that both my exes were committmentphobes too (clearly).

 

Katie ---

 

Here's a question I have now. If I have a fear of commitment, wouldn't I always be subconciously choosing inappropriate partners?. I guess now I'm wondering how can I be so sure that the new woman I'm talking to isn't a commitmentphobe as well? My past 2 partners were textbook commitmentphobes, but in both situations, in the beginning it was them chasing me and me trying to sabotage it ... soon, I would give in, and we would both be on equal plains for about a month or so, and then from there on the tables would turn, and they were running, and I was forever chasing after them after that.

 

So ... how would I even know? If this is a problem on mine, wouldn't it pretty much be standard that someone without issues would want absolutely nothing to do with me?? The fact that this woman is so into me now makes me question her level of emotional stability. Because I am effed up.

Edited January 11, 2016 by DontBreakEven

[DontBreakEven]

I'm thinking about all the women in the past that I have dated, or slept with, or given a chance, and many of them were not super attractive. At all.

 

I don't know what it means that I can barely even remember what this girl looks like. I spent over 24 hours with her in the span of 2 days. All I can remember is upon immediate sight, I felt disappointment, but not like OMG NO ... just, okay so not exactlyyy what I was expecting. However, from there I had a couple glasses of wine and was ridiculously flirty. Got handsy a couple hours later. Ended up kissing her in her bed, then went out with some of her friends and had a great time and was extremely handsy again ... held her hand leaving, and yet I CANNOT REMEMBER looking much at her.

 

What I do remember is when we had got home. We were in bed and she just kept staring in my eyes. It was extremely sensual and intimate. I kept looking away .. she would not. We slept together, and then I passed out. Woke up in a complete panic. Went to lunch with her and barely looked at her, or if I did, I don't have any recollection of it. I cannot remember at this moment what it even is about her that has me trippin like this. I've never experienced anything like this in my life.

 

I NEED to see her again, for my own sanity. She may come this weekend. I feel like this is awful to have her drive all the way here to see and stay with me, just so I can figure out wth is going on with me, but I just can't believe I dissociated so much. We were even discussing last night a conversation that we had with her friends and I can barely remember any of it. Not like me ... I have the memory of an elephant.

 

God ... one would think she was a freak show or something. Never felt such crippling fear like this in my life. Yet when I'm talking to her via text all I do is smile. Is it because I'm still talking to a fantasy person simply because I CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE??? What is WRONG with me?? Do I just like her personality and I'm wishing it was more?