big dog Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 I'm almost 60 years old and have been with my present wife for 14 years. In the past couple of years I've been bothered by the fact she had a sexual past. Not her ex... but it was between him & me. I know I wasn't around then and all that stuff that everyone is going to pint out such as "she married you"...and "she chose you" along with all the other stuff that people say who've never been in this situation. But I get the visions just like many many others i've read about on these sites. If it were as easy as all the advisors make it out to be then no one would have a problem whatsoever. It's torment. My wife doesn't know this is happening. Could be because our own sex life has dwindled since she menopaused and she now doesn't want to be intimate in any form. I on the other hand am not ready to give in yet. I can't bear the thought of another man telling his buddies just "how she was" or giving details or even reminiscing about it. On the other hand it's worse wondering if she reminisces herself about it. I'm know i'm too old to be worrying about this now but if there was a way to control it there would be help for what I think is far more people ( men and women) than anyone might think. I've had a fairly healthy sexual past myself so i'm not judging her. But it's still hard on men. I think at one point it affects all men at some point in their marriage if their wife's been sexually active before them. many women too. But most women have the ability to deal with it differently and better than men. It's made life tough. How do others feel? Not the "just get over it" people. I'd like to hear from the ones with the same problem as I have. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 I've had a fairly healthy sexual past myself so i'm not judging her. But it's still hard on men. I think at one point it affects all men at some point in their marriage if their wife's been sexually active before them. No, it doesn't affect all men. It affects men who still subscribe to the archaic, puritanical belief systems of millennia past. This is the 21st century and society has evolved. It's not that human behavior has changed all that much; it's mostly that we've come to accept that women are people too, and people are sexual beings. You're being affected by what is termed cognitive dissonance. Your integrated beliefs are not congruent with what you know to be true... in this case your wife's sexual history. Since you cannot change the past, you have only one option for resolving the incongruence. Unsubscribe. Perhaps therapy would help. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Everything you're thinking is stuff you are inflicting on yourself, but I'm sure you know that. There is nothing you or your wife can do to change the past. All you can do is change how you think about it. If you can't do that on your own, seek professional help to do so - I think you will find it beneficial. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Giggle Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 My ex was into a lot of stuff with his ex. A lot. None of which I was into. I didn't believe him when he said he wasn't going to miss it but seriously that is more like a compatibility issue. My ego must be very healthy cause I've never had the thoughts of wondering if they miss the sex with others. Not have I reminisced over past sex. Lol. Though my ex was very jealous about this one guy I'd mentioned. Because it was just an awesome experience. I couldn't get him to understand that it wasn't at all about the sex because we hadn't had any. It was coming off of being left for another woman after 9 years and this guy looked at me. He looked and appreciated what he saw and touched, and I felt beautiful. I needed that. It changed how I looked at myself and set a standard. But reminisce about the sex? Any of it? 11 people? Nope. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Also: It sounds like menopause triggered this for you, as you are no longer intimate while you'd still like to be. I can understand that part, and it may be "fixable" if she is open to hormone therapy and doesn't have significant risk factors preventing it. I guess your options will depend on how you feel about the relationship otherwise, and how much losing the sexual intimacy affects your quality of life and relationship. If they're not good, you can always divorce and find another woman who hasn't lost her libido due to menopause, for example. As for the past, I doubt that this many years later any of her past lovers thinks of her, much less talks about what they did. They have long since moved on, no doubt, and are thinking about present partners. Link to post Share on other sites
LydiaLong Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Big Dog, I suffer as you do from this 'retroactive' jealousy, mine being made worse by the fact that we occasionally have to be in his ex lover's presence. I've searched every site as you have. I get sick of the standard answers like, "The past is the past" or "He chose you" or "The past made him what he is" or any of those other platitudes that people who have never suffered from this throw at you. I know he 'chose me' but only after she dumped him. I have often felt second best. Is there any help? I sure haven't found any. My husband adores me and has sworn holy oaths that he can't stand the ex; however, there's a part of me that wonders if he's just saying that to placate me. I wonder, as you do, what goes through his mind when he sees her. It's pure torture for me. I think of it every day. The movies constantly play in my head about their being together, snuggling, cooking, talking, watching movies, having sex. It wouldn't bother me if I never had to see her, but that's not possible. They say it's a kind of OCD. Maybe. No counselor can help me with it. I think it's something you have to just suffer with. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Was this an issue prior to your sexual life dwindling? I ask because you've apparently been married 14 years and did once have a robust sex life to compare to now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author big dog Posted January 7, 2016 Author Share Posted January 7, 2016 carhill..... not nearly as bad. Along with the loss of libido she seems to have had a loss of desire to be affectionate in any form. I've read about many people on these forums that doesn't have this problem until they've been married for several years. Interesting thing don't you think ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author big dog Posted January 7, 2016 Author Share Posted January 7, 2016 lydialong - I know exactly what you mean. The advice is consistent as you've said but I believe rarely helps. And the "just get over it & move on" BS doesn't work either. The ones that throw that stuff out are the ones that have never experienced this. Not that it can't be done...it's just not that simple as you know. And the " she (he) chose you stuff is the same.... did they "choose" me or did they maybe "settle" for me because they got dumped or something. I have a good friend who's wife told some of her lady friends on their wedding day that " he's not the one I wanted...but he'll do" That was many years ago. I'll never utter a word about it as i know no one else will either. The "visions" are kinda like dreams. If you're like me they just pop up whenever & wherever. And regardless of what all the " self proclaimed inttellectuals" say on here it's a tough issue to handle at times. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 I understand where you are coming from in regards to the loss of libido. My wife is also menopausal and has lost 95+% of her libido over the last couple years. She used to be a very sexual person and we used to have a lot of great sexual adventures. While I'm not so much bothered by the fact she had prior sex partners, what bothers me is her libido tanked on my watch so it feels like she was hot for them (and me too for awhile) but then her mojo exited the building with me so it feels like she just isn't in to me anymore since she used to be a very sexual person. Another haunting feeling I have trouble shaking is in my youth if I was dating a gal that started acting like she is now, it was just a matter of days or weeks before I'd get dumped and then find out they had moved on to someone else. This all adds up to me feeling like I am the one that is the problem and that it is me she is not attracted to or has any interest in any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author big dog Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 oldshirt - that's how I feel ! I know i've aged in physical body ( as she has) but in my mind & heart I haven't. But I feel like she's almost repulsed by the thoughts of intimacy at times. And I feel it's directed at me. I know exactly where you're coming from friend ! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 OP, I grew up and lived my life as a 'you and me forever' kind of guy and a D never entered my mind until it got hammered into it but, you know, sometimes there's a shelf life on stuff. I'm about your age and have no illusions. We're closer to the grim reaper than to our libidinous youth and each day counts. Make them count. If your wife isn't on board, accept that. She just can't go where you're going. That's OK. It takes two to make a marriage work; two equals. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 I'm almost 60 years old and have been with my present wife for 14 years. In the past couple of years I've been bothered by the fact she had a sexual past. Not her ex... but it was between him & me. I know I wasn't around then and all that stuff that everyone is going to pint out such as "she married you"...and "she chose you" along with all the other stuff that people say who've never been in this situation. But I get the visions just like many many others i've read about on these sites. If it were as easy as all the advisors make it out to be then no one would have a problem whatsoever. It's torment. My wife doesn't know this is happening. Could be because our own sex life has dwindled since she menopaused and she now doesn't want to be intimate in any form. I on the other hand am not ready to give in yet. I can't bear the thought of another man telling his buddies just "how she was" or giving details or even reminiscing about it. On the other hand it's worse wondering if she reminisces herself about it. I'm know i'm too old to be worrying about this now but if there was a way to control it there would be help for what I think is far more people ( men and women) than anyone might think. I've had a fairly healthy sexual past myself so i'm not judging her. But it's still hard on men. I think at one point it affects all men at some point in their marriage if their wife's been sexually active before them. many women too. But most women have the ability to deal with it differently and better than men. It's made life tough. How do others feel? Not the "just get over it" people. I'd like to hear from the ones with the same problem as I have. So you marry a woman in her late 30's and need her to be a virgin. Then you should of married a virgin. And then better of been one also. Get over? Get over what? She did not multi date on you? She did not have an affair on you? Get over yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 I've had a fairly healthy sexual past myself so i'm not judging her. But it's still hard on men. I think at one point it affects all men at some point in their marriage if their wife's been sexually active before them. many women too. It's hard for you. Why? What's the real issue here? Is it truly hurtful for you to know that your wife has a sexual past, one that made her who she is today? Or is it all ego based and you feel she's 'yours' and she's tainted because she's got a sexual past and had sex with other men before she met you? This is something you need to work through and let it go otherwise it will affect your marriage and what you feel towards your wife as time goes on. You say 'present wife' so since you're 60 I assume you've been married before and she's your 2nd wife? How would you handle it and what you would you say to her if the situation was reversed and it was her upset and bothered by your sexual past. Apply that to your own situation now. Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) OP...with the change in the intimate part of your relationship, you're looking inward...dredging up insecurities. Maybe you could communicate with your wife and ask her "what is it that makes you feel loved" "sexy" ...if she's gone through changes from menopause, her love language may have changed. Maybe tapping into this new part of her can reignite passion between the two of you. Relearn to love her the way she wants to be loved. I won't tell you to "get over it" but I'm telling you that most likely your wife is not thinking about past intimate relations...seriously...women are emotional creatures...we don't think about past sexual experiences (actions) the way men do...we more likely think about the emotions we felt with past loves and reasons things didn't work out. I think there's a little "projection" going on here with you...as a man I think you're more inclined to think about your past actions and think your wife is doing the same. Have you thought of going to a sex therapist? Hormone therapy? A change in scenery? Edited January 8, 2016 by StBreton Link to post Share on other sites
Author big dog Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 Thanks StBreton --- that's some very good points Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 I get the feeling that for you sex is important to you so you know you are loved and cared about. There will be other things but... Just as an aside. Have you thought about the things you did together before you married and while you were courting? Do that. Do those things again. Did you tell her she was beautiful? Did you get dressed up for her and take her out? Did you go to the movies? Hold hands? When people have feelings like this it is because they are insecure. There are ways that you can help yourself feel more secure and also that she can help you feel more secure too! Talk to your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Good point OP, and also the reverse. Does your wife spontaneous grab your hand when out in public, lean into you, compliment you on your attractiveness to her, take your arm, etc, etc? I'd be more inclined to work the sex dichotomy if there were mutual affection and demonstrated desire. Small tip from our MC.... each partner has choices. You make yours; she makes hers. If minds meet, the marriage continues. If not, next. Link to post Share on other sites
sam light Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Past a certain age nearly everyone will have a history. Deal with it, everyone does. Something would be amiss if your wife didn't have a history. Not without controversy I maintain that both parties in a marriage are entitled to pursue a sex life. If one cuts the other off, then that person can play outside the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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