Yes, I have jealousy and control issues, but she's VERY defensive about this "friend"

[billycamp]

Hello everyone. I've been having some issues with my gf and could really use some advice right now.

 

I've been with her for about 5 years now. It's pretty serious and we are in love, and we've made plans for the future. She's 23, I'm 30. We normally don't argue and get along great, but one thing we've always disagreed on is what is appropriate as far as privacy and trust is concerned.

 

Now, I will admit that I can be a very possessive and controlling person. I do like keeping a tab on where my SO is at all times, and I've been known to constantly call and text, and even to snoop a bit on their phones or other devices. I know that's bad, but I was cheated on before and I think it made me a little defensive. But I am aware of it and I do try to keep it in check the best I can, but after being cheated on I have to admit that learning to trust has been a challenge for me.

 

Early in our relationship it was a constant source of friction for us. I was constantly texting her and asking her what she was doing, trying to meet all her friends and asking lots of questions. I would also try to tell her what to wear and made her dress more conservatively. Looking back, I admit I was out of control, but in my defense she does have lots of friends and socializes a lot, and she is very good looking and got hit on by guys all the time. Not to mention that she likes to flaunt it and is always wearing really skimpy outfits. She got really defensive with me and called me a "control freak" and she said she felt more like a prisoner than a gf. I tried to explain to her that I was cheated on before, and that all her socializing time with her friends made me feel uncomfortable, especially considering how she dressed. Her typical reply was that I had "trust issues".

 

One night, about 2 yrs ago, we finally had a 'come to Jesus' moment in our relationship. I was asking her a bunch of questions about what she did the night before, and she sort of broke down and told me that she wasn't interested in a relationship in which she was constantly "interrogated", and that if I couldn't trust her by now then maybe we should just break up. That really got my attention and I promised her I would try to be more trusting of her, and no more snooping. After all, I had to admit that I had never found any evidence of her cheating, even after years of prying. Anyways, we worked it out and since then I have really tried to just relax and not worry.

 

Well, for awhile, things seemed to work out much better. I tried not to pry so much, and I even learned to stop worrying about her socializing with her friends at school. But then, over the past year, I started noticing my feelings of jealousy slowly coming back. I thought they were gone, and I struggled against them, but they slowly resurfaced. It started when I began noticing her spending a lot more time with her friends, to the point that I was hardly even able to see her. It seemed every time I tried to make plans with her, she would say she couldn't because of previous plans she made with her friends. As if her friends were more important than me. It got to the point where I was maybe seeing her once or twice a week, even though she lives closeby. Not to mention that around this time I began noticing her getting less intimate, and to top if off, right before this she got a bunch of cosmetic surgery done, so she was even more proud now of her body and began wearing even more revealing outfits.

 

I tried to trust her like I promised, but with all the red flags (or at least what I perceive to be red flags) the green monster got me again and I have to admit I started snooping again and being intrusive. I started "interrogating" her again, and once again we starting arguing about it. Then, last week, I went into her cell phone and looked at her FB account. I know that was a big no-no, but after a whole week in which every night I couldn't see her because of her "friends", well, I felt I had to find out who these "friends" really are, especially any guy ones.

 

Well, what I found shocked me. There were lots of short convos with girl friends, but there was this one thread, with some guy named 'Mike', that was pages and pages long! Literally thousands of msgs. Not to mention that she privated this guy so ordinarily no one could see her interaction with him, and I couldn't actually read the msgs without a p/w. Naturally, I was fuming, but of course I couldn't confront her about it because I was snooping. I know all hell will break loose if she knows what I did, so I decided to do the next best thing. I started asking questions about this "friend" in a subtle manner, so as to not let on that I'm suspicious, and so she won't feel "interrogated". My plan was that eventually I'd get enough info to correctly assess the situation.

 

But unfortunately this has not worked. It has only made me more suspicious, and it's brought up the trust thing again. The problem, at least from my POV, is that she's being defensive about it. Instead of giving me more info and putting me at ease, she is short and curt. She will just say 'I told you, he's just a friend, quit worrying' and then she acts like that should be the end of it. Of course, she doesn't know that I know about all her FB contact with him, but still, I think this is rather callous of her. All I want to know is some general info about him, how they met, etc, but all I get is 'I told you, he's just a friend' and that's it.

 

To make matters worse, I've been calling her while she's with her "friends", and every time she admits that this Mike guy is there. I will ask her who she's with, and she will just say "friends". Then, I ask if Mike is there, and she says yes, every time, just as I suspected. That, combined with the fact that her time with her "friends" seem to be more like dates (she spends hours getting all primped up to "study" with friends or "get coffee"), makes me think that she is trying to basically trying to disguise her time with Mike by saying she's with her "friends". Almost like they are real dates, otherwise why get all dressed up like that and why is this guy always there? But anytime I try to steer our conversations in this direction she will immediately get defensive. She'll say things like 'omg, are you interrogating me again?' and I feel pressured to back off. After all, we did come to an agreement on that. But I honestly feel that her behavior with this "friend" is quite suspicious.

 

At any rate, given our history I'm not really sure what to do, or whether or not I really have a good reason to be suspicious. What do you all think? Should I just back off right now and wait, or should I push the issue again? It's a real conundrum for me because on the one hand I know I'm a very jealous and controlling person, and I did promise to try to learn to trust her, but on the other hand I just can't help but think there is something more between her and this guy than she is letting on.

 

What should I do?

[VeveCakes]

Hire a PI to follow her one night when she goes out with her "friend".

[smackie9]

OK I had a BF like you once and it was an awful experience. I was too young then to realize it was a toxic abusive relationship. You are pushing her away with your behavior, that is why she is consoling in Mike about her situation with you.

 

 

If you are upset/ don't like what you see, please please just let her go. You have done enough. You are controlling/abusive to this poor girl.

[Friskyone4u]

You have enough red flags there to start a bull fighting school. Some kind of girlfriend that would rather spend more time with friends more often than you.

 

Then add in the lack of intimacy, and then this guy being everywhere she is. What do you think is happening. And if you are supposed to be in a committed relationship ,why is she running around all primped up (we know what that means), when you are not around dressed up better than for you.

 

At the least she is out where guys are hitting on her constantly.

 

She is not going to admit anything. Either you are going to have to suck it up and lives with it ( not my recommendation) or you are going to have to have one of your friends follow her or hire a PI.

 

You know she is lying to you. Why do you think she would do that. ????

[billycamp]

Thanks for the replies. I was hoping to get a woman's POV.

 

Yes, I have considered the PI thing, but what if she found out? I actually think it would be better to just have a friend spy on her, but that's part of the problem. None of my good friends who I could trust are in her circle. Otherwise, everything would be ok because I'd always know what was going on.

 

smackie, I admit I can be controlling, but like I said I've worked on that since we've been together. I no longer tell her what to wear nor do I try to stop her from seeing her friends, although I do complain about how little time she has for me now. But I definitely am not "abusive" to her. I treat her very well.

 

It's just that I can't help but get suspicious after seeing her acting so dishonestly and defensively when I ask about this guy. I mean, don't you think I have a right to know more about a guy who you msg 3000 times in a month and who you are constantly "studying" and "having coffee" with? I can only hope she isn't spending any time alone with this douche bag.

 

I'm thinking of maybe just confronting her and telling her that she at least has to explain to me a little more about her history with this guy. I mean, at least stuff like how they met, does he have gf, what is his major, and especially has she ever been alone with him. I've already asked her this and she refused to give me a direct answer. I know it's risky and she might get really pissed off, but I feel that her evasiveness has given me the right to demand some more info.

 

What do you think?

[ExpatInItaly]

I am a woman, I'll chime in.

 

I had a boyfriend like you in the past. Interrogated me about everything. Tried to dictate what I wore, who I socialized with, where I went and so on. I never once was unfaithful and tried hard to prove it. But it was horrible and I lost attraction to him. My feelings about him changed.

 

I would wager that's what's happening, to be honest. I don't necessarily think she's cheating on you, but she does appear to be checking out of the relationship. Spending increasing time away from you is a big sign she's losing interest. Sorry, OP, but I have been in her place and that's where my money is.

[basil67]

I agree that you may have driven her away. Have you heard of a Self Fulfilling Prophecy? This is pretty much what has happened.

 

You say that you changed, but the fact you justify your previous behaviour shows that while you've kept your thoughts to yourself, your attitude hasn't really changed at all. There is NO reasonable justification for being controlling.

 

My guess is that you did enough damage to the relationship a few years ago that she lost feelings for you and is slowly checking out. Rather than getting back into the circle of control, you are better off just ending it now.

 

And get some therapy for those control issues.

[Spectre]

I do think the OP has control issues, there is no doubt there. But even a broken clock is right twice a day. Her having thousands of messages from some other dude is a big red flag to me., Some people might want to make excuses and say "you are controlling so she is checking out" but see that makes her look just as bad. You don't slowly check out of a relationship like this, whilst obviously checking out other options. It is shady behavior and shows both sides have done wrong.

 

It's hard to say if your behavior drove her to this Mike dude or if you were very paranoid but also more or less correct about her this entire time and are just finding out. I'd say drop her, any girl carrying on with thousands of msg's from some other dude even though she has a bf is crossing major lines. Frankly I don't care if she feels interrogated, then you end the relationship like a friggin adult. You don't string it along and slowly distance yourself while chatting up other dudes.

 

Plus she is 23 and you are 30. She is still in the "I think banging as much men as possible equates to life experience" phase. You have been together 5 years which means she was 17 when this started. So yeah, I think she probably just wants to bang other dudes and is using your behavior as an excuse. I mean, if you were female and this was a man doing this that is definitely what some posters here would immediately claim.

[MovingOnIsHard]

You're very similar to my ex, who had jealousy anf trust issues..except his was borderdering paranoia.

 

Itst assumptive to think that she's cheating on you.. Not that I agree with the way she is distancing from you--however, you're pushing her away by being very controlling. That's emotional abuse.

 

Frankly, if I were her, I would have cut my ties with you first.. But then again, it's hard to leave an emotionally abusive relationship

[kgcolonel]

OP,,,,stop and take a couple of steps back....if it isn't this guy she's spending time with it will be someone else. The relationship is not what you are looking for and you're not happy in it as it is. I am thinking this is the conversation to have.

 

The discussion that is needed is along the lines of boundaries for the both of you. For you, no snooping and reach an agreement as to the amount of time you and your GF have together. Smackie is exactly right here, you're driving her away....I would also ask her where she is in the relationship, meaning what is right with it and what is not right.

 

Then, you should ask her about some reasonable boundaries for her, such as what would she consider inappropriate behavior for either of you with a "friend (particularly of the opposite sex)". Ask her if she'd have any issues if you made friends with a lady and met alone for coffee and had a "really" close relationship with??? See what her reaction is....her answer will not be nearly as important as the reaction.

 

Talk to her in terms of what you could do to improve and strengthen the relationship. Again, her answers are key but could be a false cover, it is her level of engagement that will tell you where you actually stand and where her heart is at this time....

 

This will help you better assess the situation but i still say that if you're not happy, let her go and go find someone that shares your boundaries and values. You do sound a bit controlling though and need to either lighten up or walk.