Complicated: Had lunch with ex GF w/o seeing her for a year, how to get her back?

[Pharoh]

Hi everyone, I have read a few posts here and really like the community here so I made an account to get advice on my particular situation.

 

The bottom line is, earlier in the week I had lunch with my ex girlfriend after not seeing her for 11 months (only texted a couple of times in that time, but honestly there were very few days that she didn't cross my mind) and I want to try and get her back.

 

 

There is more to the story than this so I will try to give as much backstory information as possible.

Sorry for the big wall of text, fight through it to try and understand complications.

----------------------------------

We are relatively young and were even younger as a couple. I am 24 and she is 22 but we met at our university when I was 21 (senior) and she was 18 (freshmen). We met at a party (I had literally just gotten out of a previous 3 year relationship) and starting hanging out with eachother more after that until it eventually escalated into us dating and her becoming my gf a few months later. At this point I had graduated and obviously she was still going through school.

 

 

We were making it work, seeing eachother whenever we could, a couple weekends a month and over breaks, (we both live about 40 minutes away from the school and about 50 minutes away from eachothers homes) so it really wasn't bad.

 

Eventually about a year and a half later (which is about a year and a half ago from now) she broke up with me, I wasn't sure why at the time but as I look back I think it was because I was being clingy and she didn't have any room to breathe at school (trying to balance a bf, social life, school work, and a school job) and she was growing more distant. She was 20 and in school while I was 22 and working full time. (Its hard making that transition from college life to real world life especially while you have significant others still in the college life)

 

At this point I cant really remember how much communication we had after that but a couple months later we hung out again at her house (broke up in august, hung out in October). Well everything went great and I ended up spending the night... so after that we were back to dating and the way we were before.

 

She was very serious about it, she as bringing up ideas about moving in together once she graduated, she would show me photos of how she wanted "our basement" to look, she talked about kids names, she told me she talked to her mom about how I was the one she wanted to end up with. She was very genuine about those things, it wasn't a joke. While I made sure none of the ideas originated from me because of what previously happened.

 

This lasted a few months, until about January where the same exact thing happened, even after all of the things she said, she went back to school and became more distant. I had to fight for her time. She came over on valentines day (2015) where I looked at her phone (wrong of me I know) and found out she had a crush on some other kid that had kissed her at school. I confronted her, she started crying, she was torn and did not know what she wanted anymore. That was the last time I saw her for 11 months until lunch this week. In between that time, she texted me happy birthday, I texted her a few months later asking if she saw an episode of a show we both watched (her fav character finally died).. when I texted her about the show she kept the conversation going for about a half hour and ended it with "thanks for texting me, we should catch up sometime". This eventually led to me asking when, and us going to lunch when she was home on her next school break

----------------------------------------------

Okay so...

 

I know after all of that its crazy for me to still want to be with her, but I really love her and I know that she HAD genuine feelings for me. We never had any big fights or bad times, we always got along and had many things in common. Take my word for it that we were very compatible. I think we were just at very different times in our lives. It probably sounds like I am making excuses for her, but she was so strong and genuine with her feelings when we were together, and nothing truly went wrong with our relationship except for separation and distancing.

 

I feel that I have finally had time to develop myself and I'm able to stand on my own two legs, because I probably was leaning on her too much before. She has one semester left of school before all that responsibility is over. So it seems like it might be a good opportunity.

 

Our lunch experience:

It was awkward at first for both of us, I could tell by the way she was at first. After 10 minutes the ice broke and everything was fine. We were catching up on everything that's happened in eachothers lives, how family is doing. Along with our interests, and us just being goofy together like normal. It ended with her giving me a hug, and me asking if she is interested in being friends again and hanging out more. She said yes and that this last semester should not be as busy as the others so we should have time. I also gave her a flash drive of all of the photos I had on my computer, from trips we have taken and just some funny memories, I said in case she didn't have any of them. She seemed happy enough and accepted it.

 

I feel like there is definitely still something to be reignited. Since after all this time I still care and think about her, I figured its worth one last gamble. It will either work out or go down in flames. At least then I will know.

 

I am thinking of just trying to take a fresh approach as if we are just friends, and let our chemistry and compatibility carry us further. The question is how do I do this? What do I do from here?

 

Sorry for the giant wall of text, I just wanted to get all details out there, if you have any other questions feel free to ask.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't read your post carefully but if you have both matured, the lunch went well AND you fixed all the stuff that broke you up, go ahead & ask her out again. Because she dumped you, she may not want to get back together & the lunch may have been an attempt to find closure, not reconciliation.

 

 

You can ask once, but assume the answer will be no.

[Pharoh]

Thanks for the reply d0nnivain, and yeah my bad for writing a book, I figured I would get ALL details out so people can see the full story.

 

So yeah I think everything is fixed and the lunch went well, but I don't think that I want to just flat out ask to get back together as I don't think she would like to be put on the spot. She said yes to being friends and hanging out more which I think is a good start, but now I don't know how to progress from here. Should I text her? How long should I wait? Should I try to be friendly and carry a text conversation with her before trying to jump to our next get together?

 

I'm just not sure what approach to take. I don't want to come oj too strong and push her away like last time but I also dont want to let the feelings subside.

Edited January 8, 2016 by Pharoh

[ExtraSpice]

Well if you don't wanna come out and ask if she would like to get back together then maybe just do a few more hangouts, feel her out, see if she seems interested. And then take it from there. Sort of what you would do if you just started to date somebody.

 

Other than that I don't know. Unless she gives a massive signal that she wants to get back together with you.

[Pharoh]

Yeah I think that's my plan is to do a few more hangouts and let the natural stuff happen. I'm pretty sure that would work, but its getting to that point that's hard.

 

Its been two days and neither of us have talked since the lunch. So I'm not sure if I should text her, or if I should just play it cool for a while. Do I text her and start a friendly convo to keep things going, or just wait and dive right into planning the next get together in a couple weeks?

 

I'm confused on what the next step should be.

[ExtraSpice]

Well if you guys just recently started talking then maybe it is best not to overwhelm her with too many texts. Maybe have one or two short friendly convos. Sort of feel her out, how she responds, does she seem active in the conversation, are the replies engaging or more one ended?

 

And then a day or two after that you can ask her if she wants to hang out and do something (actually suggest an activity instead of saying you want to do something). How she responds to that invitation should give you a good indication of where she stands? She will either say yes, say no and offer a different time or say flat out no without any alternative. The third probably means she is not too interested.

 

That is just my take on things, could be right or wrong. But you will have to judge the situation and make the best decision based on that.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you need to see if she initiates the next contact. If she really does want to hang out again, she'll definitely send you texts. From skimming your story there are a few red flags:

 

a) she only reached out once in 11 months

b) That you told her you want to hang out as friends

c) That you're still pretty hung up on her and are trying to manipulate a certain result

 

A indicates that she's a bit lukewarm about hanging out with you, or, at the very least, isn't gung-ho and passionate about it. B was an error on your part because you aren't interested in being her friend at all. You want to be her boyfriend. What you should have said was "We should hang out again" and not brought up the friend thing. Because that leads to C, the plot of using "friendship" to try to manipulate your way into being romantic. Usually the person on the other end doesn't appreciate that ruse.

 

I think it'd be best for you to hang back and see if she initiates, even if she sends you a "hey" text or something generic. See if she was just saying that she wanted to hang out to be polite or if she actually means it. If she does contact, then you can see if she wants to do something with you and go from there.

 

I had an ex say that she would "definitely see me soon" after a hangout after a breakup. "Soon" meant a year and a half later in an unplanned run-in. Not saying that's applicable in your situation, but just be wary that her words might have been just words.

[quattrob]

I agree with what Simon has said. You sound extremely desperate and it's not good to hide your intentions the way you are doing it by saying you want to hang out as friends but in fact you want something more. If you keep going down this path, you will be the one to be disappoint and hurt.

[Pharoh]

Thanks for being honest, you guys are right in that I shouldn't hide my intentions under the disguise of being friends.

 

I'm really not trying to be manipulative, I'm just trying to have her feelings come back in a natural way rather than just bluntly bringing up the relationship. I figured that starting from scratch and hanging out would be the best way because the two of us really click. I'm not going to emphasise friends anymore though.

 

My take on it is just because she isn't interested now doesn't mean her feelings won't change if I can work towards texting/spending time with her. It won't just magically happen at this point.

 

What do you guys think?

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for being honest, you guys are right in that I shouldn't hide my intentions under the disguise of being friends.

 

I'm really not trying to be manipulative, I'm just trying to have her feelings come back in a natural way rather than just bluntly bringing up the relationship. I figured that starting from scratch and hanging out would be the best way because the two of us really click. I'm not going to emphasise friends anymore though.

 

My take on it is just because she isn't interested now doesn't mean her feelings won't change if I can work towards texting/spending time with her. It won't just magically happen at this point.

 

What do you guys think?

 

This is manipulation. You are trying to act a certain way to elicit a certain result. Honestly, it's up to her whether or not she wants to be with you again and you trying to do things to "spark" that is going to backfire. If you want to do something, then chill out and just be you. Stop trying to play puppetmaster.

 

I don't think you are ready for this because you aren't in the right mindset. When you first dated her, you were just being you and going with the natural flow. Nothing you are writing seems natural at all. It seems forced, and even if you aren't trying to manipulate, it comes off as manipulative.

 

I think you need to back completely off and let her make the move if she decides to. If you want her to really come back and stay back, it has to be her that decides that on her own. You need to get your head together, because I think you're on the fast track to disaster unfortunately. I think a can of worms has been opened before you were ready for it.

 

Sorry if I sound negative, but I just don't really like your mindset right now.

[Pharoh]

You don't have to apologize, if I need a reality check then I need a reality check and I appreciate it.

 

I dont understand what you mean though, I'm not acting any certain way or forcing anything. I was basically just starting from scratch and treating it as a fresh start, trying to talk lightly and hang out a bit and see what happened. Same as anyone would do with a girl they were interested in. You'd talk to them, see if they want to hang out a few times and see if anything develops from there. I wasn't going to force anything, just be myself.

 

All that's happened so far is we texted a bit, she suggested catching up, we set up lunch, we got along like we always did, she said she would be interested in hanging out again, and that was it. No contact other than that. I just wasn't sure what action to take from there.

[Simon Phoenix]

You don't have to apologize, if I need a reality check then I need a reality check and I appreciate it.

 

I dont understand what you mean though, I'm not acting any certain way or forcing anything. I was basically just starting from scratch and treating it as a fresh start, trying to talk lightly and hang out a bit and see what happened. Same as anyone would do with a girl they were interested in. You'd talk to them, see if they want to hang out a few times and see if anything develops from there. I wasn't going to force anything, just be myself.

 

All that's happened so far is we texted a bit, she suggested catching up, we set up lunch, we got along like we always did, she said she would be interested in hanging out again, and that was it. No contact other than that. I just wasn't sure what action to take from there.

 

You're asking for a strategy to try to get her to like you again. There's not a strategy -- it's up to her whether she decides that or not. All you can do is put your best foot forward by being yourself and if she decides that's sufficient, then go from there. It just seems like you are looking for a combination to unlock her heart -- there isn't anything you can do for that. It's on her.

 

Right now, the only thing you can do is work on yourself and see if she texts you. If she texts you, then cool, ask her if she wants to hang out (not as friends, just "hang out"). If she doesn't, then she was just looking to catch up and has no real desire to be in regular contact with you. If that's the case, then you have to continue moving forward without her.

 

But stop plotting, stop looking for strategies. That's what is concerning -- that you seem to be trying to put this relationship back together with instructions like you are building a desk from IKEA. Feelings aren't something that can be built with a step-by-step process.

[Pharoh]

I understand what you mean, I'm not asking for instructions on how to get her to like me again. I know I can't force her to get feelings for me. I'm going to just be normal, be myself and let our natural chemistry do its thing and see what happens if we can talk/hang out again.

 

I think what I was asking though, was how do I get to that point? As in we already had lunch and it went well(it was just like old times), she said she would be interested in hanging out again (good advice on not using the friends excuse anymore) so I kind of have a greenlight on hanging out with her again. We just left it at that.

 

So I'm not looking for the key to her heart or anything, I'm just wondering what do I do now that the ice has been broken and its been a few days since the lunch. Make small talk via text message? Wait a certain period of time? Don't say anything at all? I just want to build off of the good lunch experience in the right way.

[Simon Phoenix]

Let her come to you at first. If she does, then ask to hang out. If she doesn't, then she's not particularly interested. But if she wants to hang out in any way, she'll be in touch. Just because she says she wants to doesn't mean she wants to. It's easy to say that and not follow through. So see if she follows through with contact.

Edited January 10, 2016 by Simon Phoenix

[Pharoh]

Yeah I know. It's just really hard to fight the urge to keep trying to progress it.

[anika99]

I really agree with Simon. I know you just really want this girl back and that your intentions are good but the fact is that you offered your friendship to this girl but you have an agenda that she doesn't know about and that is manipulative. I mean you told her you want to be friends but was that sincere? If all she ever wants is friendship, will you be her friend? If she starts dating another guy next month will you still be her friend?

 

I say you either just wait for her to contact you next or you call her up and ask her on a date. Don't spend anymore time going down the path of pretend friendship. You will get emotionally invested again and wind up getting hurt.

[Pharoh]

You both are right, I see that it was wrong to do all of this in the name of friendship when really there was a hidden agenda. I will not be using that as an excuse anymore.

 

The thing that might be giving me false hope is that when we are together (even for this past lunch) everything is great, we laugh, joke around, talk about family (we were close with each others family) so it feels good like if we could just continue that and hang out more, maybe the spark gets ignited again. Does that really not seem reasonable? It seems like a real possibility if I just had the chance, but its so hard because she's busy all the time. And I don't want to come off as a pest.

 

She's going back to school for her last semester this week, so I'm sure she is going to be wrapped up in everything that comes along with that now. Gotta be honest, I don't expect to hear from her with all of that going on, she isn't one to be glued to her phone. So maybe I give it a few weeks.

 

I don't think I can just call her up and ask her on a date like you suggested anika, I feel like that would push her away, but maybe after she has time to settle into school I text her for dinner or to hang out one evening since she did somewhat show interest in that already. Whether it was sincere remains to be seen.

 

Maybe I text her something small like "good luck with the last semester" or ask her if she enjoys the hospital (nurse) she is studying at? Or maybe I leave it go a few weeks before asking about dinner/hangout?

 

Part of me refuses to roll over and let it die when we still have that much chemistry while we are together. One last effort before going NC will at least give me an answer and I won't have to wonder "what if" anymore.

Edited January 10, 2016 by Pharoh

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, laughing, joking around, and talking about family is also what friends do. You're familiar to her, so she'll let her guard down a bit naturally. It could mean that she's into you, but it doesn't necessarily mean it at all if that makes sense.

 

I really think you shouldn't be initiating anything. And I don't buy the "she'll be too busy" thing. If you're really a priority, she won't be "too busy" to talk to you. Everyone is busy, that's not an excuse. Trust me, if she really wants you, she's going to make sure that she makes contact. Busy people make time for those they want, especially if they don't already have them.

 

My advice stays the same -- chill out, be patient, and continue to move forward. Her motives will come to the surface in time. But no, don't send lame "feeler texts". She knows what you're trying to do and they aren't going to help your cause.

[BC1980]

She's going back to school for her last semester this week, so I'm sure she is going to be wrapped up in everything that comes along with that now. Gotta be honest, I don't expect to hear from her with all of that going on, she isn't one to be glued to her phone. So maybe I give it a few weeks.

 

Doesn't that say it all? You don't expect to hear from her. It doesn't matter how busy she is. If she wanted to see you again, she would have contacted you by now. How long do you plan wait on her to contact you? How long do you plan to wait until you go NC and give up?

[Pharoh]

I just can't shake the feeling that if we hang out a couple times that spark might come back on its own. I know its been frowned upon in this discussion. And yeah she doesn't have feelings now, and maybe they never come back. Maybe we never hang out again and thats it, but at least I'd know I gave it my best shot. I'm not going to be a creep about it and I'm not going to force anything. I know the odds arent good but it can't be unheard of to get a girl to realize there is something there and get her feelings back. Is there really no other way?

 

That being said I'm not going to send out those baby feeler texts as simon mentioned they do sound bad. I know me spilling my thoughts on these posts makes it look bad, but remember to her all its been is lunch and talk about the semester and that's it. So it shouldn't be desperate if down the road I simply suggest hanging out again like we discussed at the lunch and see what happens.

 

As far as how long I'm going to wait, I don't know, this is the first time I am experiencing this so I'm obviously fumbling my way through it.

[Simon Phoenix]

You're overthinking this. If she contacts you, then suggest a hangout and see where it goes. If she doesn't, then she's not interested. It's really that simple dude.

 

A girl (or a guy for that matter) has to realize they want you on their own. There isn't a formula to make that happen. If she has any interest in anything, be it friends or more, you'll hear from her. It might not be today, tomorrow, or even next week, but it'll happen. But chasing a girl who dumped you when you have unresolved feelings is a recipe for disaster. She's the one who should fight for you, she dumped you.

[itisdanielle]

An ex once told me that he would contact me when he was ready to meet up. I never heard from him again. Sorry I know that's kind of negative and I don't mean to say anything to bring you down, but you need to consider that you may not hear from her again.

 

Simon's advice is totally right, there isn't really anything for you to do now. If she contacts you then that's great! But don't sit around waiting to hear from her. The best thing to do would be to try to act as if she's not going to call - win win because if she does, you will be pleasantly surprised, and if she doesn't, you won't have wasted time waiting around for her.

 

I hope it goes well for you

[ExtraSpice]

I agree with the above mentioned reasons for not contacting her again but my opinion differs slightly. First there is def no need for manipulating games, and yes if she doesn't contact you then maybe she is not interested in friendship or otherwise, and yes if there are still a lot of unresolved feelings for this girl then it could be a recipe for disaster. But the truth is you are going to do what you want in the end. And seems like you really want to ask her to hang out again to see if it leads anywhere.

 

I think best to just ask her to hang out. If she says no, well there is your answer. If she says yes then hang out with her and see how it goes and after that let her initiate contact. That way you would have done it twice just to be safe. And if she never initiates after that well now you know the answer for sure. If she mentions that she just wants to be friends then you can either say yes and then mean it or walk away.

 

Just be careful not to get your hopes up too high or to project your emotions onto her. She doesn't owe you anything and you don't owe her anything. Best not to pin all your hopes on her. Try it out, if it works great and if not then so be it and move on.

 

This is just my advice, it could end up being disastrous but you have to make the call of what will be best for you in the long term, not two weeks or months from now but the long term.

[Pharoh]

If everyone's advice here has been against me initiating contact then I suppose I should take that advice. I'm going to leave it go for a while and see how my feelings turn out.

 

I'll give her some time to settle into this last semester at school. If still no contact comes from her and I still feel the same way, I might just ask if she wants to hang out again, since we did talk about that and she did say she was interested in it. I feel that it would be a waste not to act on that green light.

 

Like I said though in going to take the advice here and leave it go for a while, then reevaluate.

 

It would be cool to keep this discussion going though because this is tough for me, so if anyone has anything to add or comment on, I'd be greatful to hear it.

[BC1980]

I'm torn in the advice to give. On one hand, I want to tell you to ask her if she would like to go on a date and see where things go. On the other hand, I know that's not the best strategy to win her back. But I hate the idea of you waiting around to see if she contacts you. Because I know that's what you will do whether you want to or not. You won't be able to help it because you have to be fully committed to moving on. You have always had one foot in this relationship, which is a really bad thing.