Complicated: Had lunch with ex GF w/o seeing her for a year, how to get her back?

[Pharoh]

You are right BC, I have always had my mind on the relationship all this time which is not good.

 

At first for a while I was just very angry at her with what she did to me and how it ended. I mean how could she go from talking about marriage stuff with me and moving in and whatnot to essentially disappearing and leaving just like that. I didn't get a breakup call/text.. She was just gone.

 

Eventually it got easier to deal with and my anger subsided. I found even after all that and after this long I still cared about her. So when she brought up wanting to catch up I thought maybe it's a good time to try and start over since we are both at different places now and I had time to get over things.

 

My strategy remains the same as my previous post. No matter what the outcome is I think it will provide closure and help me move on, with or without her. If I don't do anything I'll always be stuck wondering, which hasn't helped in the past 11 months.

[BC1980]

My strategy remains the same as my previous post. No matter what the outcome is I think it will provide closure and help me move on, with or without her. If I don't do anything I'll always be stuck wondering, which hasn't helped in the past 11 months.

 

I think one of the problems is that you have been wondering if you would get back together for 11 months, and you are still wondering. Yet the overwhelming evidence suggests that she has no interest in getting back together and never has. You are projecting how you feel onto her. You are living in the past, but you are there by yourself. She has clearly moved on, but you never have. I say all of this because I was where you are at one point, so I understand the confusion.

 

She hasn't talked to you for almost a year. You had lunch with her, and she hasn't contacted you since. What else does she need to do to communicate that she has no interest in being in a relationship with you? Why do you need her to reject you again for you to believe it's over? You don't need additional reject to find closure. The closure should have been that she disappeared one day. Heck, I wouldn't even speak to someone again that disappeared on me.

 

I guess my biggest problem with this entire thing is: when do you call it? When do you say enough is enough and jump off a sinking ship? When do you stop poking at a relationship that is so dead you could stick a fork in it? An additional 11 months? Seriously, I'm not trying to be funny. I really think you need to consider those questions. Because I've been where you are, and it's not a very productive or fun place to be.

[Pharoh]

You are right I have been wondering this whole time. Which is why I think I just need to do it for closure. The point is that I don't want to be stuck wondering for another 11 months because I try to let go and my mindset hasn't changed.

 

Why would she initiate a lunch if she didn't have a single care? Why would she tell me she is interested in hanging out again if there wasn't an ounce of truth to that? She could have just said no to everything or not cared about catching up in the first place if she really doesnt care about me one bit.

 

My point is that if she's going to agree to these things and let me back into her life then I don't think I should let that opportunity pass. Why not ask her to hang out again, something she agreed to already? If it works out great, if it doesn't then I'll have my answer, and be done for good. I'll have nothing left to be hung up on. Either way I'll finally be done.

 

Its only been a couple of days so I'm just going to leave things go for now.

[Simon Phoenix]

You are right I have been wondering this whole time. Which is why I think I just need to do it for closure. The point is that I don't want to be stuck wondering for another 11 months because I try to let go and my mindset hasn't changed.

 

Closure comes from within dude. Don't depend on others to close things out in your life.

 

Why would she initiate a lunch if she didn't have a single care?

 

Because she doesn't care. Because she's over it. Don't project your feelings and thoughts on others. That's stupid.

 

Why would she tell me she is interested in hanging out again if there wasn't an ounce of truth to that? She could have just said no to everything or not cared about catching up in the first place if she really doesnt care about me one bit.

 

Because it sounds nicer than telling you she doesn't give a s--t. Think about it, have you ever told someone (be it a dude or a chick) that you're up for hanging out when you have no real desire or ambition to hang out with them? Odds are you have.

 

My point is that if she's going to agree to these things and let me back into her life then I don't think I should let that opportunity pass. Why not ask her to hang out again, something she agreed to already? If it works out great, if it doesn't then I'll have my answer, and be done for good. I'll have nothing left to be hung up on. Either way I'll finally be done.

 

She didn't agree to s--t. She said something to be nice. If it was an actual social contract, she'll come seek you. And you don't need her to be done. You need you to be done. Hell, if you were actually done you'd have a better chance of getting her back.

 

Its only been a couple of days so I'm just going to leave things go for now.

 

This is the best thing you've said. Stop trying to reinvent the wheel and let s--t be as it be.

[road]

Everyone seems to ignore that she cheated on him and dumped him.

 

 

He should be in NC with this woman.

[NVO]

Why would she initiate a lunch if she didn't have a single care? Why would she tell me she is interested in hanging out again if there wasn't an ounce of truth to that? She could have just said no to everything or not cared about catching up in the first place if she really doesnt care about me one bit.

 

Of course she cares about you. But the difference is that you are still stuck on the sinking relationship boat while she already made it safely to shore. She ghosted on you and left you without a clue. How would you feel if you did that to someone you love(d)?

 

You probably would feel guilty. "So let's see, how should I remove this guilt? Oh let's get together for a lunch, talk about all the things in our lives and if I see that he is doing okay, that will make me feel a lot better."

[Simon Phoenix]

Wait, so this girl cheated on you and you are looking for ways to convince her to come back?

[Pharoh]

The second time we were together for that span of a few months, we were what you'd consider dating exclusively and not actually boyfriend girlfriend. So on her conscience its probably not cheating. But I of course consider it cheating because our relationship was past that point of seriousness where she was talking about marriage with me and even to her mom, our future house and so on... With all of that I never questioned it. The girl just means that much to me for some reason. When she said that stuff it was sincere. Yeah I know, in the end its just embarrassing and makes me look pathetic. I guess I just kept hoping those feelings are still buried inside her since she left so confusingly and abruptly. Maybe some of you know what I mean.

 

I know I've been very stubborn through this discussion. Honestly I have good days and some very bad days of missing her and our relationship. But I think this all has finally sunk in enough for me to actually take all the advice here and just not initiate any further contact. Thats how I feel right now at least, I hope it stays that way. One small step at a time I suppose.

 

I still appreciate the feedback and further discussion.

[BC1980]

The second time we were together for that span of a few months, we were what you'd consider dating exclusively and not actually boyfriend girlfriend. So on her conscience its probably not cheating. But I of course consider it cheating because our relationship was past that point of seriousness where she was talking about marriage with me and even to her mom, our future house and so on... With all of that I never questioned it. The girl just means that much to me for some reason. When she said that stuff it was sincere. Yeah I know, in the end its just embarrassing and makes me look pathetic. I guess I just kept hoping those feelings are still buried inside her since she left so confusingly and abruptly. Maybe some of you know what I mean.

 

I know I've been very stubborn through this discussion. Honestly I have good days and some very bad days of missing her and our relationship. But I think this all has finally sunk in enough for me to actually take all the advice here and just not initiate any further contact. Thats how I feel right now at least, I hope it stays that way. One small step at a time I suppose.

 

I still appreciate the feedback and further discussion.

 

So the breakup 11 months ago would be the second breakup? That's a major red flag. Second chances are fine, but I draw the line after that. Once you start getting into a third chance, it just seems destined for failure. Maybe you are caught up in the idea of wanting something you can't have. It always seems like people are more attractive once they reject us.

 

As far as her cheating, I'm not sure about all the technicalities. Even if you weren't officially her boyfriend, that seems a bit odd to be talking marriage. I think alarm bells would be going off in my head if a guy who wasn't even my BF was talking about a house and marriage. That kind of sounds like future faking to me. Or overestimating her long term interest. Or just plain, freaking weird. At the very least, it seems like her behavior probably wasn't the most forthcoming or 100% honest.

[Pharoh]

We were very serious for a while, we were both wrapped up in it. I'm confident that when it was real, it was real. Unfortunately those feelings left her shortly after. It came back to hurt me being that caught up in it

 

Anyway there obviously isn't anything I can do about it now, as much as I wish there was. So I'm trying to put that behind me.

 

Like I said above, it has sunk in enough that right now I don't feel as though I'll reach out and contact her at all. I will expect NOT to hear from her again and I'll either be pleasantly surprised or I will have moved on. Win/win situation. I just hate being reminded of her every single day. Its a killer.

[BC1980]

We were very serious for a while, we were both wrapped up in it. I'm confident that when it was real, it was real. Unfortunately those feelings left her shortly after. It came back to hurt me being that caught up in it

 

I believe you are right. I think it was real for her at time, but I'll give you some advice. People that blow hot and cold don't make the best long term partners. I got caught up with a guy like that for 3 years, and it's so hurtful in the end. You always want to believe what they say, and they seem so sincere at the time. It makes the eventual crash that much worse. It's like they build you up to obliterate you, and it makes you unwilling to trust anyone. Just try to remember that when you start dating again. I'm really sorry you got caught up in this because I completely understand it. The only way to move forward it total NC without looking back because they will always be available to reel you in on some level. You will have to be the one to shut the door and keep it shut.

[Pharoh]

I was hoping that by hanging out a couple times I could remind her what we had and what she had given up for so long, maybe she'd want it all back. I just can't be giving 150% of myself fighting for every little inch she would ever give me. I have moved on from trying to do that now after all the advice here. Its just not the right time for that.

 

BC - your point about them building you up just to make it that much more devastating really hit home with me. That has run through my mind so many times its not even funny. It was great when it was real, that much more devastating when it ended.

Edited January 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted response to spammer ~6

[Pharoh]

So I am sorry to resurrect a semi old post like this but there has been a development that I need to get out there for my own sanity. This thread helped me very much last time and put me in a better mindset.

 

So for anyone that doesn't know, you can read through the post, its advice, and my stubbornness.

Anyway, I wasn't sure how to pursue trying to be friends again and all that, but I decided to take the advice here and just let it go. If she really wants anything she will contact me.

 

So about a month goes by and the other day she texts me out of nowhere. She looked through the pictures I gave her on the flashdrive from out relationship. She said she just looked through the pictures, thanked me for it. She said She wanted me to know she doesn't regret our relationship at all. She apologized for all the pain and suffering she caused me and admitted that she was in the wrong. It caught me off guard because this is the first time she ever owned up to anything.

She went on to say that she "doesn't expect us to be great friends because of what happened, but wants to be civil or even become friends in the future." She also mentioned not reopening old wounds.

 

Honestly I was surprised because I didn't expect to hear from her anytime soon, let alone all of that. I think the pictures and memories got to her a little.

 

I responded with some stuff about how I'm over it and that I accept her apology. I said that we used to be best friends and some stupid mistakes got in the way of that. Blah blah blah. I also told her that I realized I didn't always act right or give her enough space and that I have had time to better myself. I let her know I can finally stand on my own and not rely on someone.

This last part is key, I told her that I think that we would be able to be friends and that I would like to be, but I said that I am not going to hound her about it. If she wants to be friends then great, but it takes just a little effort on both sides. I was trying to get across in a nice way that I am done chasing her. And I ended the message in a nice way with a thanks and such.

 

Well that was it. No response. A couple of days go by, I check to at least make sure she got the reply (our phones sometimes did miss big MMS messages, so it was a real possibilty).

 

Well she replied a couple hours later saying Sorry she did get it but has been busy at clinical/work/finishing homework and stuff. I replied that it was no problem I just wanted to make sure she got it. And that was it. Nothing after that either. That was two days ago.

 

After this thread ended the first time I was doing great. It really helped me get in a better mindset. I wasn't worrying about her anymore, she wasn't even crossing my mind most days. Then this happens, she texts me a heartfelt apology and disappears again like a whirlwind. Now I'm wondering about her, whats going to happen next, dreaming about her. All over again.

 

I'm not the kind of guy that could have let an apology like that go unanswered. I hate not responding to even normal people. In the end I would like to at least be friends with her again, even if it was just that. She brought it up this time, again, and then disappears just as fast, again. So frustrating.

[Simon Phoenix]

Of course she did. You gave her what she wanted, so that was that. Any guilt she might have had is gone and she feels better about herself because you absolved her.

[Pharoh]

I guess you're right, but I'm not really sure what I could have said there instead. I was hoping to put it in the past and move forward since she was reaching out to me about it.

 

If she was only trying to absolve her guilt she could have just said her apology and left it at that. The fact that she even brings up being friends again means the idea at least crosses her mind. Still, how do you say you want to be friends and then put forth zero effort into actually doing so. Not even a second text message.

 

She brings these things up and then doesn't follow through in the least, it drives me crazy.

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess you're right, but I'm not really sure what I could have said there instead. I was hoping to put it in the past and move forward since she was reaching out to me about it.

 

If she was only trying to absolve her guilt she could have just said her apology and left it at that. The fact that she even brings up being friends again means the idea at least crosses her mind. Still, how do you say you want to be friends and then put forth zero effort into actually doing so. Not even a second text message.

 

She brings these things up and then doesn't follow through in the least, it drives me crazy.

 

Well, you allow it to drive yourself crazy because you don't have the self-control to let it be. You shouldn't have said anything because you aren't healed yet. You keep cutting corners in your recovery, which is why you find yourself constantly in this pickle. I mean, this girl cheated on you, she dumped you, she comes back and forth at her convenience because you don't have the backbone to not allow her to do this.

 

And don't give me this "it's the nice thing to do" crap. That's just an excuse for you to stay invested in this. You aren't acting like the better man when you respond to things like this. You are just showing weakness and low value. She doesn't respond to you because she doesn't have to. She knows that the next time she feels like talking to you for whatever reason you're going to be there, so there's no need to give you attention on your terms.

 

Sorry man, I know I'm being harsh, but dude. She's not driving you crazy. You're driving yourself crazy because you have little to no boundaries.

[Pharoh]

I think I was thrown off because she has never done that up until now. It was the first time she reached out with what seemed to be a heartfelt apology and then actively showed an interest in friendship. So I thought if this is it then fine let's move on.

 

Obviously now I see maybe it was just an empty apology and that's all. I shouldn't have expected more.

 

So what do I do in the future, in case she reaches out again? Tell her everything is not okay? Tell her not to contact me unless she is serious about friendship? Don't respond at all?

 

Part of me just wants one more chance to say "look every time you do this it turns out to be an empty gesture. You can't say you want to be friends and then disappear for months. It doesn't work like that. Be serious about it or don't contact me at all."

 

But obviously I'm bad at dealing with this situation. Even just this form of venting has helped my mindset get back on track. Thanks to everyone who has followed along.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think I was thrown off because she has never done that up until now. It was the first time she reached out with what seemed to be a heartfelt apology and then actively showed an interest in friendship. So I thought if this is it then fine let's move on.

 

Obviously now I see maybe it was just an empty apology and that's all. I shouldn't have expected more.

 

So what do I do in the future, in case she reaches out again? Tell her everything is not okay? Tell her not to contact me unless she is serious about friendship? Don't respond at all?

 

Part of me just wants one more chance to say "look every time you do this it turns out to be an empty gesture. You can't say you want to be friends and then disappear for months. It doesn't work like that. Be serious about it or don't contact me at all."

 

But obviously I'm bad at dealing with this situation. Even just this form of venting has helped my mindset get back on track. Thanks to everyone who has followed along.

 

No response, and certainly not the bolded. That's way too overdramatic. You really need to go No Contact badly, which means STOP RESPONDING! And why do you so badly want to be friends with someone who cheated on you?

[Zahara]

So what do I do in the future, in case she reaches out again? Tell her everything is not okay? Tell her not to contact me unless she is serious about friendship? Don't respond at all?

 

Stop with the friendship. It's a crap excuse people use to keep a foot in the door. You can't be friends with her. Period. You know when you can be friends with her -- when you see her with another guy and it doesn't phase you one bit. And when that time comes, you'll be in a completely different head space that you may not even want to be friends with her. Block her and move on from this. Everytime she contacts you, you go head first to square one. You're never going to recover if you keep allowing her to dig at your wound.

 

Part of me just wants one more chance to say "look every time you do this it turns out to be an empty gesture. You can't say you want to be friends and then disappear for months. It doesn't work like that. Be serious about it or don't contact me at all."

 

Again, you can't be friends with her. I haven't heard from some of my friends in months -- I'm not getting myself in a knot about it. They'll come around when they do and we'll pick up where we left off. You have different expectations when it comes to being "friends".

 

Block her. Consider this over. Move on and start your healing.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Zahara

[NVO]

Sorry to tell you Pharoh, but I guess I was right about the guilt trip. I've seen it happen before with my own ex, and you sound completely like I did. We agreed to being friends, and immediately felt very uncomfortable doing so.

 

That is your gut telling you don't want this. Friendship with an ex can be great, but it isn't that special. Actually it is far more confusing than a normal friendship. If one of my other girlfriends text me I don't get anxious, my stomach doesn't turn around and I don't wonder if they are trying to get back with me. So don't contact her. Every time she contacts you, your gut will tell you what to do. Sometimes you'll find yourself giving very short answers, and after a couple of times you find yourself not answering at all.

 

Now get out there and reclaim yourself!

[lil hoodlum]

Pharoh, words are cheap!

 

 

Don't pay attention to her empty words, pay attention to her actions.

What are her actions telling you?

 

 

I had to learn this lesson also after an old ex of mine contacted me.

 

 

I think she has been feeling guilty of how everything went down between the two of you and she only reached out to you to unload her guilty conscience on you. She did, you responded positively, and now she is off again.

 

 

Hang in there brother! Things for you will get better in time.

[Pharoh]

I want to thank everyone for helping me out with this. It might seem weird but it feels a lot better to be able to come here and express everything that is going on in my head with the situation. To be able to vent, get it out in the open and discuss it with people really helps move past it. Rather than have the whirlwind of thoughts going around and around in my head for who knows how long.

 

I enjoy reading peoples perspectives and their experiences so if anyone has any other thoughts feel free to keep the discussion going. As of now obviously I am not going to contact her again about it, I'll just take the apology for what it was and leave it at that. At least she felt bad for a couple of seconds, lol.

[Simon Phoenix]

I want to thank everyone for helping me out with this. It might seem weird but it feels a lot better to be able to come here and express everything that is going on in my head with the situation. To be able to vent, get it out in the open and discuss it with people really helps move past it. Rather than have the whirlwind of thoughts going around and around in my head for who knows how long.

 

I enjoy reading peoples perspectives and their experiences so if anyone has any other thoughts feel free to keep the discussion going. As of now obviously I am not going to contact her again about it, I'll just take the apology for what it was and leave it at that. At least she felt bad for a couple of seconds, lol.

 

Go a step further and not answer her next breadcrumb, because there will be another.

[NVO]

I enjoy reading peoples perspectives and their experiences so if anyone has any other thoughts feel free to keep the discussion going. As of now obviously I am not going to contact her again about it, I'll just take the apology for what it was and leave it at that. At least she felt bad for a couple of seconds, lol.

 

I've wanted my ex to feel so bad when I decided to move on. I guess we secretly all have a point where we hope that our exes think they made a stupid mistake by letting us go. Fun fact: they don't haha.

 

Your story has similarities with mine and somehow it made me realize that dumpees always think it's about them. Search the internet and you will find tons of questions like: "My ex added me on FB. What does it mean?", or "OMG my ex just unblocked me. What does this mean?"

 

But it's not about us, dumpees. It's about them, the dumpers. By adding you on FB they are 'pleasuring' themselves by satisfying their curiosity. Not because they miss you so much. By unblocking you they are doing themselves a favor, not you. And your ex wanting to get together for a lunch, it wasn't about you. It was about her own guilt.

 

See how selfish they act? And they have every right to. So next time when she contacts you, think about being selfish. Instead of getting al jumpy and working yourself up to the 'OMG SHE IS CONTACTING ME, DOES SHE WANT ME BACK!?!?!' state of mind, work towards a state of mind that makes you think 'Oh great *sigh* it's her again.' If you feel like responding, then respond. If you feel like crap after it, than stop doing it. Just don't be a d*ck about it.

[Pharoh]

yeah I definitely learned my lesson about getting all worked up right off the bat like I did this past time, and have been doing. No more of that.

 

I do wonder in general though, what's the deal with the breadcrumbs from ex's?

 

In my particular case, knowing her, it's probably not to be purposely malicious as it might be for some other people. She probably did feel bad\guilty at the time she sent the message and wanted to get the apology out there. She did own up to everything for the first time. Though if that was the case why even bring up the friends thing at all if it didn't seem to matter to her? Just apologize to get rid of the guilt and be done with it. Don't tell me you hope for friendship. Its an odd thing.

 

As Simon Phoenix said too, there probably will be another breadcrumb in the future. I'm curious as to why, and there might not be a definitive answer.

 

Who knows though, maybe there wont be another breadcrumb unless its a happy birthday to me in July, in which case big deal... that's an easy one