How did you get caught?

[Amillionpieces]

I think if I hear stories of how people got caught in A it would help me to see that I need to end it while we are still not caught. I feel like we cover our tracks and don't take unnessasary risks. But I'm sure everyone feels like that.

 

So ... How did you get caught?

[Midwestmissy]

I'm the bs, but I think this story is probably common. The affair was over for a few months, I was suspecting, I found emails, then my teens saw the emails, then the m/cow texted my wh (her boss) about tequila at 2am. And I lost my sh*t. She did want him to be caught because he had stopped seeing her. So he confessed. Ish - to an EA then 10 months - excrutiatingly long - later to the 4 month PA.

 

When he told the partial truth, he also had to sit down with the kids and tell them because the house was in distress. Big time. My oldest screamed at him the synonym for a cat endlessly, called him horrible names, told him he was selfish and did he ever consider them while he did this? Did he think about the baby who'd be left to deal with this broken home alone once he and his sister were gone? The kids saw the repercssions my husband never even considered. My wh sat there with his jaw on the ground - Oh my god , consequences? He was facing consequences? NFW. My middle child held me in her arms and rocked back and forth and sobbed. You have never seen such fear in your life - fear for their future. It was the most heart wrenching thing. And the wh had no choice but to sit there and take it, because everything they said to him was true. Now even the littlest knows, because the older ones told him. Remember it becomes the affected peoples' story too - not just yours. And when the second dday happened, they had to deal with his confessing again.

 

They have lost respect for their dad, my son wrote a college app essay mentioning that as a day he lost his childhood and stability. DDay 1 was 2 years ago and he wrote the essay a month ago. His biggest fear is that he ends up like his dad. He said in the essay that watching me, the strongest person he knew, his rock, break into pieces changed everything in his life. So now all the teachers who edited his essay also know. And we moved 800 miles away.

 

There's no smooth way out of this. And when it blows, and it will, you will have no control over what shrapnel goes where. You can only get ahead of it now and the only way to do it is to come clean. I would have a lot more respect for my wh had he done that. He just continued his pattern of idiotic lies and decisions to keep himself from having to deal, and as a result, 2 high school kids caught the fall out. Very unfair. Horrible horrible. Do not think for a minute you are in control of this, just do the right thing.

[ladydesigner]

I am an xMOW and a current BS. My RA (revenge affair) I confessed to my WH 4 years later when I caught him in his second A with MOW. My Wh's A with MOW I caught by snooping on his phone.

 

I discovered info by retrieving deleting texts off his phone and placing hidden recorders. Phone bills also give it away by the amount of times a number is called.

 

There are so many ways to catch an A and no one is THAT good at hiding everything.

[Sassy Girl]

OK - I'll go...I have a few stories...

 

We never had a DDay....we stopped the affair though because his wife just sensed something different about her husband and asked him. She hasnt discovered anything, she just had a feeling. We decided it was too risky and ended it before we were discovered.

 

My mother was discovered when my father came home from work and found my mother having sex with a co-worker on the loungeroom floor. They reconciled as they were young with a baby. 10 years later, Mum discovered dads affair when he left her for the other woman. Hes been married to OW for 25 years now - but lost his children in the process. None of us speak with him anymore.

 

My sister was discovered when her husband hired a private investigator and found her sneaking off from work early and going to OM's house before coming home from work. Her husband has been suspicious for a whlile after finding thousands of texts messages between them. She took it underground on Facebook instead. She gaslit the hell out of him, saying it was her 'gay' best friend.. She came home one morning after spending a night with OM (said she was staying at a girlfriends)...all her **** was packed and on the back step and he kicked her out. She never saw it coming. He had a complete file on her whereabouts from the PI - all the evidence he needed. She took up with OM (who was also married and left his wife) and had a baby with him about 2 years later.

 

Same sister, when baby was 3 weeks old, found out OM was having an affair when she checked his phone and saw a message that MOW had deliberately left, knowing my sister was constantly checking his phone (funny - she never could trust him and was always checking up on him). Turns out MOW was pissed she was unceremoniously dumped when sister was pregnant. Sister had found them sexting, OM denied sex, said it was just flirting and ended it. MOW saw the baby announcement on facebook, went all bunny boiler and sent a complete account of one of their affair knowing my sister was checking his phone. Busted.

 

My grandfather was in his 80s when he got busted. A man in his 40s came to the front door asking for him by name. When my elderly grandfather opened the door, the man was mortified to discover that the online affair he caught his wife in was with my silvertongued octegenarian grandfather. Grandmother found out the whole thing, and they fought about it constantly until she died 3 years later - what a way to live out your final years.

 

My other grandfather was caught a few times. One time grandmother came home and found a blonde in the wardrobe. The final one my grandfather had kncoked up his OW and had to fess up so she booted him out. He eventually died a very lonely man with no one.

 

My Father in law fessed up when he moved out and moved his online affair over from another country. His children were adults at that stage, and ended up being stalked by OW. She had a PI get their email addresses and send them all the love "emails" their father sent to her. It was particularly cruel because she had her man, so what was the point? Father in law finally wised up to the fact she was crazy and dumped her and reconciled with mother in law. FIL lost the respect of his children who will not forget what he put their mother through.

[goodyblue]

OK - I'll go...I have a few stories...

 

We never had a DDay....we stopped the affair though because his wife just sensed something different about her husband and asked him. She hasnt discovered anything, she just had a feeling. We decided it was too risky and ended it before we were discovered.

 

My mother was discovered when my father came home from work and found my mother having sex with a co-worker on the loungeroom floor. They reconciled as they were young with a baby. 10 years later, Mum discovered dads affair when he left her for the other woman. Hes been married to OW for 25 years now - but lost his children in the process. None of us speak with him anymore.

 

My sister was discovered when her husband hired a private investigator and found her sneaking off from work early and going to OM's house before coming home from work. Her husband has been suspicious for a whlile after finding thousands of texts messages between them. She took it underground on Facebook instead. She gaslit the hell out of him, saying it was her 'gay' best friend.. She came home one morning after spending a night with OM (said she was staying at a girlfriends)...all her **** was packed and on the back step and he kicked her out. She never saw it coming. He had a complete file on her whereabouts from the PI - all the evidence he needed. She took up with OM (who was also married and left his wife) and had a baby with him about 2 years later.

 

Same sister, when baby was 3 weeks old, found out OM was having an affair when she checked his phone and saw a message that MOW had deliberately left, knowing my sister was constantly checking his phone (funny - she never could trust him and was always checking up on him). Turns out MOW was pissed she was unceremoniously dumped when sister was pregnant. Sister had found them sexting, OM denied sex, said it was just flirting and ended it. MOW saw the baby announcement on facebook, went all bunny boiler and sent a complete account of one of their affair knowing my sister was checking his phone. Busted.

 

My grandfather was in his 80s when he got busted. A man in his 40s came to the front door asking for him by name. When my elderly grandfather opened the door, the man was mortified to discover that the online affair he caught his wife in was with my silvertongued octegenarian grandfather. Grandmother found out the whole thing, and they fought about it constantly until she died 3 years later - what a way to live out your final years.

 

My other grandfather was caught a few times. One time grandmother came home and found a blonde in the wardrobe. The final one my grandfather had kncoked up his OW and had to fess up so she booted him out. He eventually died a very lonely man with no one.

 

My Father in law fessed up when he moved out and moved his online affair over from another country. His children were adults at that stage, and ended up being stalked by OW. She had a PI get their email addresses and send them all the love "emails" their father sent to her. It was particularly cruel because she had her man, so what was the point? Father in law finally wised up to the fact she was crazy and dumped her and reconciled with mother in law. FIL lost the respect of his children who will not forget what he put their mother through.

 

I am not judging you here but... omg I need a stiff drink after reading that!

 

As for us, his ex wife found his burner phone. In his gym bag. In his sneaks. Rolled up in a pair of socks.

[whatatangledweb]

My husband forgot to clear the browser. It showed her name and his secret gmail address.Then I found everything. Her name, addresses,etc

[Sassy Girl]

I am not judging you here but... omg I need a stiff drink after reading that!

 

As for us, his ex wife found his burner phone. In his gym bag. In his sneaks. Rolled up in a pair of socks.

 

I know right??

 

The point I was trying to make was that you can get caught any way, any how and by any one. The OP could go psycho, the betrayed spouse could just get a feeling and start investigating, you could get sloppy and be caught with your pants down literally, or someone could actually have you followed and investigated. When you're in an affair you cannot control a single aspect of it except your own behaviour and. You cant control the OP, and you cant control the behavior of your BS, the other BS or your children if its blown wide open. The only thing you can control is whether you confess to your BS, or run the gauntlet and let them find out in a more horrific way.

 

And even though you think you have one over your BS, you could be the one left blindsided, dumped and alone...you reputation and integrity in tatters.

[Starbright78]

Our 1st d-day was when he did an update on his phone. He didn't realize that his daughters iCloud was attached to the phone and she started to get all his text messages that we were sending each other back in forth. They talked and he promised his daughter he would end it but supposedly she never told her Mom. We stopped the A and went very low contact for a month or so then he started back up. Lasted another couple of months when the daughter decided she couldn't keep it from her Mom because of the guilt and told her what she found out. Low contact again and then I ended it 6 months later after I found out he was a man whore.

[GollumsNightmare]

DDay occured because of supernatural intervention. I dont even believe in supernatural intervention, but it happened. I was at work and i saw a picture in my mind of the two of them together. I had no inkling of anything wrong other than his depression and his increasing manic behaviour. I did not suspect an affair. I would never have suspected SHE was a threat to my marriage. I would never suspect HE was capable of such betrayal. We have been life long best friends, thoroughly compatible, always hand in hand, good sex life, the kind of marriage others envy. Sure, things had been harder lately and my gut told me something wasnt right, but I had NO inkling of an affair. I suspected a mid life crisis...

 

That day, I had a total picture enter my mind of what they were doing and where (not our home, Thank God. I found THAT out later). I took the thought seriously, left my job and headed to the place i had seen in my mind. Imagine their surprise when I walked in and there they were. Thankfully he had time to jump out of bed and be across the room before i walked in on them. I didnt have to see them actually in the bed together.

[Popsicle]

We never got caught but these days I think many people get caught from use of mobile phones.

[Maddieandtae]

Do the stories really help? I'm sure people can hear a lot of devastating d-day stories about families left in pieces but until an person actually feels the remorse of their actions and takes steps to make changes than these stories are just what happened to other people. I hope you can make the changes that put your pieces back together:)

[goodyblue]

Do the stories really help? I'm sure people can hear a lot of devastating d-day stories about families left in pieces but until an person actually feels the remorse of their actions and takes steps to make changes than these stories are just what happened to other people. I hope you can make the changes that put your pieces back together:)

 

What does that even mean? Every single post on this forum is a story about someone else. I think you just used this thread to get a jab in. No thanks.

Edited January 8, 2016 by goodyblue

[ShatteredLady]

Mine was so bizarre.... I received my Mother's Day flowers. The card was so very cold, "Happy Mothers Day. His name & kids names". He had been withdrawn, abusive & horrible for a while but I was hurt from surgery & hating myself for not being able to do everything for my family & he's always been depressive since he was a kid. It's a family thing....

 

Then.... I had a paypal problem completely unrelated & noticed how expensive my flowers were. Hundreds for a tiny, wilted bunch of lilies (nice funeral flowers). I investigated the purchase (honestly planning to complain) & found it was a 'buy 1 get budget 1 half price'.

 

The message with the expensive ones was "To the very BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD, All my love always Xxxxx". I knew it was her name but I started to second guess myself. 'Was that really her surname?" (Affair from 12 years before).

 

I was so messed-up from my surgery, health, depression etc that I just couldn't make sense of it! Then I started vomiting & couldn't stop. Didn't sleep all night in complete shock. Heart felt it was being physically ripped from my chest. I ripped the flowers to shreds, cutting my hands to pieces!!

 

I'd made a big deal of the flowers the day before & my kids immediately noticed they were gone. (They're little & thought the flowers were from them too). I cold & blatantly lied to my children for the first time in their lives. It was horrible. My son is gifted & knew that my story (cat jumped onto mantle & knocked them down & destroyed them) made no sense & he asked about my hands. Ugh!!

 

Even after all that my H convinced me that they were "Just Friends". I'm pathetically trusting. The first time my H lost his mind & was extremely abusive to me but that was 12 years before. Lots of life had happened.

 

As the months progressed I started to feel physically better from my surgery. I remembered that months before we had been sat on the sofa together & he got angry because the tablet computer kept changing the selected email account. I looked back on his computer & found the emails he'd forgotten to delete when she had hit 'reply' on an email from a family account.

 

I wish I'd never read those bloody emails!! It's one thing knowing that the love of your life has betrayed you but to read the actual words!!!! Ugh!! In some little ways it helped because he told her some huge lies (atheist pretending to be godly!! Even taste in music etc. all lies) but that doesn't help you process the words about YOU as lies. He also criticized our children & my parents who treat him like a son.

 

If we don't reconcile. If I divorce him it will be because I can't recover from the WORDS. The "Very best mother in the world" & saying flattering things about HER children & derogatory things about ours.

 

I'm very loving, understanding & forgiving but that turned me into a RAGING Mummy bear! Our kids are very little. It broke my heart.

 

My parents have given so much & love him like a son. He spoke for the family at my brothers funeral & cried. The contempt he spoke of them with!! Ugh!!

 

He thinks the excuse that he was wooing her for sex seems to be an acceptable excuse for him. To me it makes it EVEN worse!

 

I guess you're asking, trying not to get caught. Many BS's are so pathetically trusting because they love their partners & will make all kinds of excuses for their crappy behavior...just delete stuff. It's usually the guilt changing the WS behavior that makes the BS have this stomach sinking, sick feeling that makes them dig deeper.

Edited January 8, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[LimeBlue]

In my case, every time I am out with MM my husband knows. MM wife also knows he is out with me. Not sure what there is to get caught seeing both our married spouses know when we see one another (which will be less and less now due to me getting sick and tired of MM lies).

[Poppy47]

A bit off topic.

 

7 years and didn't get caught. xMM was very good with technology.. his wife never had a mobile phone or learned to use a computer. Yes that's right.

 

They are both in their seventies now.

 

Poppy.

[goodyblue]

Mine was so bizarre.... I received my Mother's Day flowers. The card was so very cold, "Happy Mothers Day. His name & kids names". He had been withdrawn, abusive & horrible for a while but I was hurt from surgery & hating myself for not being able to do everything for my family & he's always been depressive since he was a kid. It's a family thing....

 

Then.... I had a paypal problem completely unrelated & noticed how expensive my flowers were. Hundreds for a tiny, wilted bunch of lilies (nice funeral flowers). I investigated the purchase (honestly planning to complain) & found it was a 'buy 1 get budget 1 half price'.

 

The message with the expensive ones was "To the very BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD, All my love always Xxxxx". I knew it was her name but I started to second guess myself. 'Was that really her surname?" (Affair from 12 years before).

 

I was so messed-up from my surgery, health, depression etc that I just couldn't make sense of it! Then I started vomiting & couldn't stop. Didn't sleep all night in complete shock. Heart felt it was being physically ripped from my chest. I ripped the flowers to shreds, cutting my hands to pieces!!

 

I'd made a big deal of the flowers the day before & my kids immediately noticed they were gone. (They're little & thought the flowers were from them too). I cold & blatantly lied to my children for the first time in their lives. It was horrible. My son is gifted & knew that my story (cat jumped onto mantle & knocked them down & destroyed them) made no sense & he asked about my hands. Ugh!!

 

Even after all that my H convinced me that they were "Just Friends". I'm pathetically trusting. The first time my H lost his mind & was extremely abusive to me but that was 12 years before. Lots of life had happened.

 

As the months progressed I started to feel physically better from my surgery. I remembered that months before we had been sat on the sofa together & he got angry because the tablet computer kept changing the selected email account. I looked back on his computer & found the emails he'd forgotten to delete when she had hit 'reply' on an email from a family account.

 

I wish I'd never read those bloody emails!! It's one thing knowing that the love of your life has betrayed you but to read the actual words!!!! Ugh!! In some little ways it helped because he told her some huge lies (atheist pretending to be godly!! Even taste in music etc. all lies) but that doesn't help you process the words about YOU as lies. He also criticized our children & my parents who treat him like a son.

 

If we don't reconcile. If I divorce him it will be because I can't recover from the WORDS. The "Very best mother in the world" & saying flattering things about HER children & derogatory things about ours.

 

I'm very loving, understanding & forgiving but that turned me into a RAGING Mummy bear! Our kids are very little. It broke my heart.

 

My parents have given so much & love him like a son. He spoke for the family at my brothers funeral & cried. The contempt he spoke of them with!! Ugh!!

 

He thinks the excuse that he was wooing her for sex seems to be an acceptable excuse for him. To me it makes it EVEN worse!

 

I guess you're asking, trying not to get caught. Many BS's are so pathetically trusting because they love their partners & will make all kinds of excuses for their crappy behavior...just delete stuff. It's usually the guilt changing the WS behavior that makes the BS have this stomach sinking, sick feeling that makes them dig deeper.

 

Your story is one of the most heart wrenching.

[waterwoman]

I found out by checking H's phone for texts.

 

I had known something was up for a while but just wasn't sure what. Then HE began to tell me about these 'ridiculous' rumours flying around the school about him and his TA. I was horrified that people could be so malicious! Ha ha.....

 

Eventually I just couldn't ignore the little voice inside and I gathered my courage and checked his phone. It just wasn't like me to do that - H admitted he hadn't deleted his texts even though OW told him he should because he simply didn't believe I would look. We both acted totally out of character.

[ShatteredLady]

They're all heart wrenching! People forget that there are whole families & extended families effected by their behavior.

 

There have been a few mentions lately of children discovering affairs & being manipulated into joining the deception. What kind of human being does that to their own kids?

 

It's an ugly thing.

[Phoenician]

I told her !

[cocorico]

We were not caught; he disclosed to the xBW when informing her that he planned to leave. It was an open secret, anyway - his family and friends had all known for years, and he'd told the kids previously when asking their input.

 

People that I know who've been caught have mostly been caught through carelessness, hanging on to communications with or from the lover - cards, letters, text messages, emails, faxes, post-it notes, doodles, etc. One guy hung on to a piece of cardboard that turned out to be from a chocolate bar his OW had brought him - the BW became suspicious when she saw it lying in the same place on his desk for weeks and he flipped when she tossed it out.

[Rainbowlove]

I actually told my wife I met someone else before there was an affair. And I moved out before any physical contact.

 

Honesty is brutal.

 

But I needed to be honest with my wife. I couldn't lie and sneak around. I think in the end, it saved our marriage.

[I4givehim]

I received an anonymous letter in the mail saying If you suspect your husband of cheating HE IS!!!.... I confronted him and he admitted to everything. I couldn't believe the man that said "I Do" to me did such an awful thing.I found out later that it was the OW that sent the letter. She thought if I found out I would kick him out, which I did, but he wont leave. When my STBXH dumped the OW she sent me love letters he wrote, pictures and video's of the two of them together.

Get out of your A as quick as you can. It's not worth all the pain you will cause your family.

[Alamo657]

Caught the car in front of OM' flat at 2 am, she was "going out with friends".

 

That's how she got caught but how did i suspect her ?

She began acting shady and receiving messages during the night and early in the morning when i was basically naked next to her.

[Bittersweetie]

My H and I lived 2000 miles apart, and my A was mostly online, so I figured there was no way I'd ever get caught. Then I had the STD and knew I couldn't lie about that. After d-day I deleted my emails and accounts but my H looked at phone records to see the few times we called/texted. He also did something to our router and was able to see some stuff I looked at online after d-day.

 

There was a guy on here who was the expert on not getting caught. They had burner phones, a system of meeting through his kids school, they knew garages where GPS wouldn't find you, had a whole set of codewords as a way to meet and talk, goodness knows what else. And even they got caught.

 

It's just a roll of the dice at this point, you're gambling with not only your well-being but your family's well-being. Reading your other thread, I did point out your odds aren't good since AP's already had a "mini d-day" and BW knows your name. It's most likely a matter of when, not if, in your case.

[nucking_futs]

OW was wife's best friend... it got to serious see blew the top off hoping she would be perceived as the "good guy"