How did you get caught?

[sandylee1]

OK - I'll go...I have a few stories...

 

We never had a DDay....we stopped the affair though because his wife just sensed something different about her husband and asked him. She hasnt discovered anything, she just had a feeling. We decided it was too risky and ended it before we were discovered.

 

My mother was discovered when my father came home from work and found my mother having sex with a co-worker on the loungeroom floor. They reconciled as they were young with a baby. 10 years later, Mum discovered dads affair when he left her for the other woman. Hes been married to OW for 25 years now - but lost his children in the process. None of us speak with him anymore.

 

My sister was discovered when her husband hired a private investigator and found her sneaking off from work early and going to OM's house before coming home from work. Her husband has been suspicious for a whlile after finding thousands of texts messages between them. She took it underground on Facebook instead. She gaslit the hell out of him, saying it was her 'gay' best friend.. She came home one morning after spending a night with OM (said she was staying at a girlfriends)...all her **** was packed and on the back step and he kicked her out. She never saw it coming. He had a complete file on her whereabouts from the PI - all the evidence he needed. She took up with OM (who was also married and left his wife) and had a baby with him about 2 years later.

 

Same sister, when baby was 3 weeks old, found out OM was having an affair when she checked his phone and saw a message that MOW had deliberately left, knowing my sister was constantly checking his phone (funny - she never could trust him and was always checking up on him). Turns out MOW was pissed she was unceremoniously dumped when sister was pregnant. Sister had found them sexting, OM denied sex, said it was just flirting and ended it. MOW saw the baby announcement on facebook, went all bunny boiler and sent a complete account of one of their affair knowing my sister was checking his phone. Busted.

 

My grandfather was in his 80s when he got busted. A man in his 40s came to the front door asking for him by name. When my elderly grandfather opened the door, the man was mortified to discover that the online affair he caught his wife in was with my silvertongued octegenarian grandfather. Grandmother found out the whole thing, and they fought about it constantly until she died 3 years later - what a way to live out your final years.

 

My other grandfather was caught a few times. One time grandmother came home and found a blonde in the wardrobe. The final one my grandfather had kncoked up his OW and had to fess up so she booted him out. He eventually died a very lonely man with no one.

 

My Father in law fessed up when he moved out and moved his online affair over from another country. His children were adults at that stage, and ended up being stalked by OW. She had a PI get their email addresses and send them all the love "emails" their father sent to her. It was particularly cruel because she had her man, so what was the point? Father in law finally wised up to the fact she was crazy and dumped her and reconciled with mother in law. FIL lost the respect of his children who will not forget what he put their mother through.

 

Sassy... just an observation......it sounds like pretty much all your family have cheated.... it almost seems to be the norm.

[sandylee1]

Do the stories really help? I'm sure people can hear a lot of devastating d-day stories about families left in pieces but until an person actually feels the remorse of their actions and takes steps to make changes than these stories are just what happened to other people. I hope you can make the changes that put your pieces back together:)

 

^^^ I agree with you 100%. Just like people say they'd never be the OW... until you have your dday..Most think it'll never happen. That's what many cheaters say to the BS. "You weren't meant to find out".."so I thought what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you"..

 

 

My friend found out her H was cheating when he was too cheap and gave his daughter his old iPhone. Found out he had fathered 3 children to three different women in one year. He had stupidly left pictures and messages on the phone. Apparently thought he'd deleted them.

 

His daughter told her older brother and they had to break it to their mom. ..my friend... she was crushed. She still says she just wishes the kids didn't know..or at least find out they

 

Those two kids no longer speak to him... The eldest has had to give evidence in the divorce and he had the cheek to tell him he'll always be his dad even though she sided her mom.

[Maddieandtae]

I probably didn't articulate clearly what I was trying to say. I honestly wasn't trying to get a jab in at anyone here sharing their experiences. Goodness I'm the very last person to judge anyone. I appreciate that you understand what I was saying Sandy and amillionpieces as well as the other posters who shared I'm sorry if I offended. When I was in my affair I unfortunately no experience that could have been shared would have helped. My head was too far up my _ _s for me to have heard crucial advice. I learned the very hard way how despicable I had become. Sharing of course is good, will the listener hear though? Amillionpieces you are taking the advice of others very well. If it makes a difference than that is all that matters!

Edited January 9, 2016 by Maddieandtae

[MuddyFootprints]

I don't particularly like these threads because I think posters are giving people tools to cover their tracks.

 

Eventually, someone will get careless and chances are you'll be busted.

[Amillionpieces]

I don't particularly like these threads because I think posters are giving people tools to cover their tracks.

 

Eventually, someone will get careless and chances are you'll be busted.

 

I knew that opinion would pop up. It's not my intention to gain tools.

[MuddyFootprints]

But you don't want to get caught, either.

[minnesotagirl]

We had a PA/EA, and we were caught at about 1.5 years in. We were very careful - not one text or email was ever accidentally sent outside of the wrong hours. We had passwords. If I got a paranoid feeling, like maybe BS had his phone, I'd ask him security questions too. Stuff only we'd know. He deleted every call log and text. He had a separate email account. I mean, we were freaking careful. I was always concerned that the phone would lead to a D-Day, most do these days.

 

How did we get caught? Our ship came in eventually. It was as simple as this: one night, he accidentally dozed off a tiny bit after sending the last message to me, and before clearing his chat. BS was (I'm sure) suspicious, grabbed his phone, and that was it. It was all over in minutes. Everything collapsed for everyone, when he nodded off.

Edited January 9, 2016 by minnesotagirl

[Amillionpieces]

But you don't want to get caught, either.

 

True. But I don't want to get caught even if it's over, it's not about continuing.

 

I just feel this confidence that we won't get caught because we haven't so far. I need to hear how no matter how good you cover your tracks you can still get caught.

 

It's feeding my paranoia.

[MuddyFootprints]

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

 

You'll miss something.

 

I'll leave you to worry about how, just because you need to. I'm helpful that way.

[minnesotagirl]

True. But I don't want to get caught even if it's over, it's not about continuing.

 

I just feel this confidence that we won't get caught because we haven't so far. I need to hear how no matter how good you cover your tracks you can still get caught.

 

It's feeding my paranoia.

 

I didn't think we were getting caught either. In fact I thought only idiots got caught. I had a confidante during the affair, and they'd often say to me, "What's your end game here? You can't keep doing this, you guys are going to get caught." And I'd just kinda consider it for a second and then say, "No, we're super careful. We don't have an endgame. We're just happy doing what we're doing."

 

I see how ridiculous that was now. I can see the little things that led to D-day, things my AP and I were not aware of at the time. Like you getting into this emotional state you're in, having the words at the sports practice, this entire part of the cycle: this is the place before D-day. Because you and your AP are going to get into stress and turmoil and your BS will know it.

[Friskyone4u]

OP, what percentage of those in affairs, no matter how they started or what the circumstances are, ever thin k they are going to get caught??????

 

The fact is one of the most prevalent answers given when the BS as about "why", is that "I never thoiught we would get caught"

 

What others are trying to tell you, but it appears you do not want to hear, is that you may think your affair is a unique dalliance, if and when you get caught, it will come SUDDENLY, WITHOUT WARNING, and your world will shatter instantaneously. The smug attitude you are exhibiting here will be became a nightmare. And the sad part will be because you are doing this for what appears to be casual sex with no intention of stopping or leaving.

 

I suggest you keep reading all of the threads on any forum you want to, and when reading each one, ask yourself do you think any of these peolple ever think they were going to be caught.

 

None of us know you, nor are we personally involved in your life. You asked for opinions by coming ion here and said you were ruined, but seem to want everyone to tell you how smart the two of you are for getting away with it.

 

You are a smart intelligent woman who is is deluding herself into a feeling of "invincibility". No one is nvincible. Only time will tell if you "beat" tghe odds or if you are back on some forum trying to figure out how to stop your husband from divorcing you. You seem to think if you get caught, you will just tell hubby you will stop and everything will be fine.

 

You can fix all of this but you do not want to. I think we all get that.

[sandylee1]

True. But I don't want to get caught even if it's over, it's not about continuing.

 

I just feel this confidence that we won't get caught because we haven't so far. I need to hear how no matter how good you cover your tracks you can still get caught.

 

It's feeding my paranoia.

 

You raise a good point about getting caught when it's over.

 

We recently had a BH find out about his wife's affair 17 years later... she must have thought it was dead and buried.

 

Apparently the OM wanted to confess all his sins having found God and he told the BH.

 

There are also the cases where the OBS finds out after the affair is over.. many times when the spouse is found having another affair. At that point they demand a polygraph to get the truth on previous possible affairs.

 

The WS then confesses all or fails the poly and then spills the beans on who the past affairs were with..as their spouses refuse to reconcile otherwise. Some BSs will decide to contact previous betrayed spouses. Of course you have no control over these kinds of situations. ..it's a matter of luck.

[Sassy Girl]

Sassy... just an observation......it sounds like pretty much all your family have cheated.... it almost seems to be the norm.

 

Not everyone. But most.

 

Truth is, I have hated cheaters my whole life. My family was destroyed through cheating and I had a very traumatic life as a result. But a couple of years ago something snapped in me. I was miserable in my marriage, an adjustment disorder diagnosisi and I was informed about my mothers cheating and the possibility that my sibling is actually a half sibling. All of a sudden I was sick of being the 'good guy' and figured everyone else is doing it... Why shouldn't I...

[MJJean]

I didn't get caught because I didn't hide my affairs. I just kinda lived my life, did my thing, and if exH asked a direct question, I'd give a direct answer.

 

My exH, on the other hand, lied and denied. It was kind of strange, because we both knew the marriage was a sham and we could have come to some kind of agreement, but he wouldn't just have a real conversation about it or anything else.

 

I caught most of his A's because the women would either tell me or I'd hear it from a friend. A couple I caught because I found love letters...in his sock drawer, of all cliche places! Three I walked in on. One from the phone bill. Two from email when he jumped away from the computer too fast and forgot to close the window.

 

My step dad got caught because he was seen together with one. One he got caught because of rumor. And one confessed to mom because she felt really guilty.

 

My brother got caught once because he had pictures on his cell phone and once because he was seen with an OW at the bar.

 

My ex-MIL got caught by slip of the tongue. I used to work at the same company. There were rumors of her having an affair with a certain male employee. When chatting with a group from the office, she mentioned some things about his furniture and how he designed his place. Not proof, but totally gave herself away.

 

 

My friend D got caught when his wife became suspicious and followed him.

 

My friend M got caught when he had surgery. Apparently, he was really out of it in recovery where he started babbling to his wife. He babbled a couple things that made her suspicious, so she started asking questions and he was too gone to lie.

 

My friend CL got caught when his wife became suspicious, so she had her son recover deleted texts and pics from his phone. In addition to texts between him and his OW, there was more than one pic of him engaged in sex acts. Including a FMF.

 

My friend J caught his exW because he took a look at the credit card bill and noticed she purchased lingerie at Frederick's, some items from an adult store, and dinner on a day when she was supposed to be staying overnight to help a friend in need.

 

My friend S outed the MM she was having an A with to his wife and the whole neighborhood when she found out she was pregnant and had chlamydia.

 

My friend JS got busted by his wife because he was working as a maintenance man and the same woman kept calling for plumbing repairs in the middle of the night.

 

So many ways to get caught. A lot of them seem to involve bad luck like being spotted by someone or rumors sparking suspicion leading the BS to investigate.

[Popsicle]

My friend JS got busted by his wife because he was working as a maintenance man and the same woman kept calling for plumbing repairs in the middle of the night.

 

The OW needed her pipes cleaned.

[Popsicle]

I don't particularly like these threads because I think posters are giving people tools to cover their tracks.

 

So? FYI this is the OW/OM section not the BS section. If someone wants to start a thread in this section asking hiw NOT to get caught they can.

[MuddyFootprints]

I wasn't challenging her right to pose the question. I was expressing my own and differing opinion about giving hints on how not to get busted.

[georgia girl]

My opinion only bit I think you are dangerously close to getting caught. You and your husband have had a conversation about how you don't do any fun things together anymore. He has noticed your relationship is different. Your MM's spouse is already suspicious and there has already been a talk about deleted emails. It wouldn't take much for the spouse or the child to go I a fishing expedition.

 

OP, I would go over to the infidelity forum and read on how others caught their spouse. Most times it's just a sinking feeling the spouse gets and its associated with subtle changes in behavior that you can't do a lot to hide.

 

I feel badly for you. I think you desperately want to continue things on the way they are and live in constant fear that it is close to the end. Sometimes, I think it's our instincts that kick in as an early warning system. My opinion is that is what is happening here. Your early warning system is going off like crazy.

 

Can you decide, OP, what it would take to live authentically and follow that path. Freedom for fear is one of our most valued states. My best to you in getting back to that.

[MJJean]

The OW needed her pipes cleaned.

 

*sigh* If JS had a dime for every time someone said that...

 

Seriously, though, how could they think no one would get suspicious? Totally believable that her pipes leaked or toilet clogged 2-3 times a week coincidentally after hours on the nights JS was on call.

[RySant]

OK - I'll go...I have a few stories...

 

We never had a DDay....we stopped the affair though because his wife just sensed something different about her husband and asked him. She hasnt discovered anything, she just had a feeling. We decided it was too risky and ended it before we were discovered.

 

My mother was discovered when my father came home from work and found my mother having sex with a co-worker on the loungeroom floor. They reconciled as they were young with a baby. 10 years later, Mum discovered dads affair when he left her for the other woman. Hes been married to OW for 25 years now - but lost his children in the process. None of us speak with him anymore.

 

My sister was discovered when her husband hired a private investigator and found her sneaking off from work early and going to OM's house before coming home from work. Her husband has been suspicious for a whlile after finding thousands of texts messages between them. She took it underground on Facebook instead. She gaslit the hell out of him, saying it was her 'gay' best friend.. She came home one morning after spending a night with OM (said she was staying at a girlfriends)...all her **** was packed and on the back step and he kicked her out. She never saw it coming. He had a complete file on her whereabouts from the PI - all the evidence he needed. She took up with OM (who was also married and left his wife) and had a baby with him about 2 years later.

 

Same sister, when baby was 3 weeks old, found out OM was having an affair when she checked his phone and saw a message that MOW had deliberately left, knowing my sister was constantly checking his phone (funny - she never could trust him and was always checking up on him). Turns out MOW was pissed she was unceremoniously dumped when sister was pregnant. Sister had found them sexting, OM denied sex, said it was just flirting and ended it. MOW saw the baby announcement on facebook, went all bunny boiler and sent a complete account of one of their affair knowing my sister was checking his phone. Busted.

 

My grandfather was in his 80s when he got busted. A man in his 40s came to the front door asking for him by name. When my elderly grandfather opened the door, the man was mortified to discover that the online affair he caught his wife in was with my silvertongued octegenarian grandfather. Grandmother found out the whole thing, and they fought about it constantly until she died 3 years later - what a way to live out your final years.

 

My other grandfather was caught a few times. One time grandmother came home and found a blonde in the wardrobe. The final one my grandfather had kncoked up his OW and had to fess up so she booted him out. He eventually died a very lonely man with no one.

 

My Father in law fessed up when he moved out and moved his online affair over from another country. His children were adults at that stage, and ended up being stalked by OW. She had a PI get their email addresses and send them all the love "emails" their father sent to her. It was particularly cruel because she had her man, so what was the point? Father in law finally wised up to the fact she was crazy and dumped her and reconciled with mother in law. FIL lost the respect of his children who will not forget what he put their mother through.

 

 

Hmm, and here I am lamenting my loneliness and lack of a relationship. If this is something that I will eventually go through, I think I'll pass. Single but heart, faith in humanity and love are intact!

[dreamingoftigers]

Not everyone. But most.

 

Truth is, I have hated cheaters my whole life. My family was destroyed through cheating and I had a very traumatic life as a result. But a couple of years ago something snapped in me. I was miserable in my marriage, an adjustment disorder diagnosisi and I was informed about my mothers cheating and the possibility that my sibling is actually a half sibling. All of a sudden I was sick of being the 'good guy' and figured everyone else is doing it... Why shouldn't I...

 

I feel this way too.

 

My mother cheated on my father three times before they were married.

 

I caught my father cheating on my mother, then reflected back on my childhood and honestly think he cheated on her on AT LEAST another occasion. Truly I suspect he's a long-running serial cheat and porn-addict.

 

My husband cheated on me and gaslit the HELL out of me. I had a breakdown in church today over year-old stuff, it felt like I couldn't breathe and just needed to go home and out of there.

 

My aunt had an LTR with her OM since the 80s. Her husband died in the 90s and she's now been married to OM for eight years.

 

Grandfather was a serial cheat until leaving grandma for the mistress sometime in the 70s. They are still together. Grandma is alone but honestly is the happiest person in the family I think. But I also think still keeps a torch burning for my narcissistic grandpa.

 

Grandmother on the other side had nine children by three different fathers. The second-last kne was by the original father. She used to leave my father in the car to go cheat with OM at his place.

 

It often makes me think: it must be worth it if so many of these people did it without remorse of any real recourse.

 

I honestly don't see any of them having any "real" consequences other then some snickering and finger-pointing by outsiders. And none of them would care about that (except my H who is often very affected and paranoid about the criticism. He thought I should never get "so upset" of tell anyone at all.)

 

The only ones really getting the shaft are the BS.

 

I know that isn't universal. But in my family it seems to be the norm.

[RySant]

 

I know that isn't universal. But in my family it seems to be the norm.

 

LOL. Tell me about it.

 

My Grandfather (maternal side) is a cheat. He died in the early 90s but when I started to gain awareness, I found out that my grandmother is her 3rd woman (thus a mistress) She impregnated the first one (never married her) and cheated. He married the OW (the eventual legal wife), then cheated on her to be with my grandma.

 

My grandma had 4 children with him. The eldest (a man) is, of course, a womanizer. He fathered 5 children (my cousins) with his wife before eloping with another woman in Japan and fathered another 4 kids there. He disappeared in our lives for 13 years before going back with heart ailments and eventually died. The second child is a woman with a cheating husband. The third is my mom (who cheated and got cheated by my father. She's in her Nth boyfriend already) I have a sister outside marriage from my father, who's dead as well. The youngest is a lesbian whose girlfriend of 20 years left her for a man and built a family of her own.

 

And that's my family from my mother side alone. WAIT till you hear the story on my father's family:

 

Grandfather (Paternal) is a womanizer too. My grandmother is just very forgiving. His last womaninzing happened 1 year before he died. He was in his late 80s by that time. My 88 year old grandma attempted to jump from our balcony upon hearing the latest affair. Both are dead already. May their soul rest in peace.

 

They born 8 children (including my father) All of which have histories of their own affairs and children outside their marriages.

----

 

and here are my friends, lecturing me why I make fun of people when I hear them about their promises of love, secruity and claims of "Only You" and their so-called "forever" LOL.

[dreamingoftigers]

LOL. Tell me about it.

 

My Grandfather (maternal side) is a cheat. He died in the early 90s but when I started to gain awareness, I found out that my grandmother is her 3rd woman (thus a mistress) She impregnated the first one (never married her) and cheated. He married the OW (the eventual legal wife), then cheated on her to be with my grandma.

 

My grandma had 4 children with him. The eldest (a man) is, of course, a womanizer. He fathered 5 children (my cousins) with his wife before eloping with another woman in Japan and fathered another 4 kids there. He disappeared in our lives for 13 years before going back with heart ailments and eventually died. The second child is a woman with a cheating husband. The third is my mom (who cheated and got cheated by my father. She's in her Nth boyfriend already) I have a sister outside marriage from my father, who's dead as well. The youngest is a lesbian whose girlfriend of 20 years left her for a man and built a family of her own.

 

And that's my family from my mother side alone. WAIT till you hear the story on my father's family:

 

Grandfather (Paternal) is a womanizer too. My grandmother is just very forgiving. His last womaninzing happened 1 year before he died. He was in his late 80s by that time. My 88 year old grandma attempted to jump from our balcony upon hearing the latest affair. Both are dead already. May their soul rest in peace.

 

They born 8 children (including my father) All of which have histories of their own affairs and children outside their marriages.

----

 

and here are my friends, lecturing me why I make fun of people when I hear them about their promises of love, secruity and claims of "Only You" and their so-called "forever" LOL.

 

I didn't mention aunts/uncles on my Dad's side. Or even the rest of my Mom's. Jeez. Just the ones I have been closest to!

 

That's funny that you have four on your Mom's side and Eight on your Dad's.

 

That's the numbers for my family too. My father's oldest brother died in infancy, so it was eight of them that made it to "maturity."

 

I one one uncle on that side that has AT LEAST six kids by five different women. But everyone lost track of him in the late 90s, so I wouldn't be surprised if there's more by now.

 

All of them except for my father and one other brother are divorced. And really, my Dad isn't still married because he's "husband of the year" material. It's because my Mom is Queen of Denial. I can't even take her seriously anymore. People quit from my Dad's place all of the time. They walk right out, he's even gotten physical with people and he totally rips off their severance too if he fires them, which is totalky random. One guy asked for an income-verifying letter for a car loan. So my Dad FIRED him, seriously, just for that alone. My Dad retells it like the guy was "up to something." Then he kept his severance. Like in the thousands of dollars. It's disgusting. And yet my Mom ALWAYS defends him.

 

He cheats on my Mom, and she 110% defended him. HE even had the woman that told her about it (not the OW) DEPORTED! It sickens me how she's his teflon. He was a really abusive Dad too. How was he caught in his affair?

 

One if the people he just outright randomly fired found me on Facebook and forwarded me the details and told me the hotel where he rented the room on a rather constant basis. Be hid the transaction under his mistresses name but he's such a damn narcissist that he blabbed to everyone at the hotel about his name and how freaking awesome he is and how much special money he makes.

 

So one day my mother couldn't get ahold of him. Oh this is barfy to write...... She asked if I knew where he was. Bear in mind I am in Ottawa and he's in Calgary. And it was really weird because I was NEVER close with him so why she thought to ask me is totally weird. I told her I don't freaking know.

 

Then I called the hotel. It transferred to his room. He answered and nearly crapped a brick. His mistress started freaking out in the background because she thought he was taking to ANOTHER girlfriend. We hung up and I knew my mother was NEVER going to believe me anyways because she gave me massive crap after that person contacted ME on Facebook. Like it was something I made up or asked for (yeah, barf, right)! So then my Mom called me back asking me if I figured it out and I just said "Hamptons Inn & Suites."

 

My father blames ME for the whole crap show and has yelled at me a few times that "it's none of my business."

Even though he's the one totally disgusting. We have no relationship and I like it that way. I'm sure he doesn't even remotely think that it might have been traumatic and rather shattering to discover my disgusting father in his disgusting affair with his disgusting whore. Watching my mother who practically dedicated her life to his emotional well-being, while he beat me and stomped on mine, be thrown away like yesterday's trash. I wish he would have just left after I was born. He could have just been a name and a question mark.

[Popsicle]

I don't have much cheating history in my family (except for my sister, who later divorced). Some of my closest friends have had it though.

[goodyblue]

I don't have much cheating history in my family (except for my sister, who later divorced). Some of my closest friends have had it though.

 

I don't know anyone who cheated in my family on either side. My h doesnt have any that we know of either.