Ten years ago

[AMJ]

 

I think you are trying to fit yourself into a role that you believe you are not going to like or are not going to be able to fit. I mean, why else choose unavailable men? Men you can't possibly marry? Or choose to remain single all these years? Sounds smart to me.

 

You're completely right. All of my serious relationships ever have been with emotionally unavailable men. This is my first relationship with a MM, so its a while new level of being unavailable. Not my first long-distance relationship. It's not been intentional on my part, but it's what I've done. It is sad. I want that to change. I'm working on it, I'm aware of this.

[losangelena]

I guess what I'm struggling with now is just hurting him in general.

 

I've been dating other people but I don't tell him about it. I'm not used to being dishonest.

I don't know what the rules are in this situation.

 

But I get the feeling that he'd be devastated if I ended communication. He's attempted suicide before, after his first divorce, and still has PTSD from all the Iraq deployments...I've never been comfortable hurting anyone who's vulnerable let alone someone who is THIS vulnerable.

 

I can't imagine hurting someone who's been so supportive for me. But anything I do would hurt him.

 

Ehn, OP. This is a pretty hairy situation.

 

I think ultimately though, his feelings are not your responsibility. That does't mean that he does't have feelings or that you shouldn't respect them, but what I mean is that you can't allow things like his suicidal tendencies or his PTSD, or his years of "supporting" you keep you in this kind of dishonest half-relationship.

 

It's true that he may not very well take news of you dating, or your desire to cease communication. But, your responsibility in this situation is to yourself, and your wellbeing. The onus of his mental health does not fall on you. Who you date is really none of his concern, and would not be unless or until he chooses to make you the true center of his world. I have seen friends get into situations like yours and they end up getting hurt way worse than the man ever does. Again, that's not to say that doesn't have feelings or that you stepping away won't hurt him—you probably will!—but he is also in this with eyes open. He must, on some level, understand that the way he's treating you, as a married, unavailable man, is unfair. He's keeping you in limbo and is disregarding the vows he made to his spouse. And why, because he loves you? If he really loved you, in a selfless way, he'd choose to leave you alone.

 

I fear if you choose to stay in this any longer, you will be devastated.

[AMJ]

So, I did talk to him about me dating other people, in a roundabout way. Basically he said I need to do what's best for myself, and he'd never be upset about that or expect anything different. But he just doesn't want to know about it, which I can understand. I'll end communication if I find myself in a serious relationship. I should end it regardless, I know. I'm sure he and I will eventually just end up like, Facebook friends who like each other's photos and never talk anymore. It's just sad.

[Ruffian1]

"I put my own feelings for him aside, to respect his wife and their children, and turned him down, many, many times. Turning him down politely didn't work to the extent that I eventually cut off contact with him and blocked him from my life, again- even though I did not want to- because I thought it was the right thing to do."

 

 

 

 

I just wanted to say Kudos for this and the self-respect and integrity you displayed. Yes, it was the right thing to do.

 

 

Hold your head up . . . you can look back and know you acted with empathy and respect for a family.

 

 

PS: For what it's worth, I think this guy has been cheating all along in his marriages, with other OW. You don't owe him nothing. Keep it the way it is going (the I love you's) and you will be hurt. Tell him to contact you when the D is final, then, step away.

[Hip Pocket]

AMJ,

 

I don't know how anyone can tell you that xMM had any other OW or that you did the right thing. Only you know what's right for you, and you sound like you're in a great place so if you think you did the right thing then you did, not because anyone else told you that you did.

 

Been with my MM a decade now and am very happy, happier than I ever was in my M.

Edited February 7, 2016 by Pocket

[lemondrop21]

I'm a lot older than you and feel the same way. I have tried and tried. Looked and not looked. Did everything I was told to do. And yet I still feel like Charlotte from SATC, "I've been dating since I was fifteen! I'm exhausted! Where is he?"

Getting involved with someone already in a relationship was the last thing I ever thought I would do. When I met my MM he told me he was divorced. I thought I found a unicorn. Turns out I found the carnival version- looks like a unicorn but actually just a white horse with a fake horn....

 

I'm with you on the wanting to have just a little something for myself for once. I know it's wrong, it feels wrong. And at the same time, it was nice to have someone so interested in me for once. Someone that I was interested in too. Someone who said such nice things about me. I know it was selfish but, honestly? I was ok with that to an extent. Because I feel like I never get to be selfish. And damn, when it felt good it felt REALLY GOOD.

 

Ha! I think about that Charlotte quote all the time. Also love the unicorn analogy.

[Ruffian1]

I don't know how anyone can tell you that xMM had any other OW or that you did the right thing. Only you know what's right for you, and you sound like you're in a great place so if you think you did the right thing then you did, not because anyone else told you that you did.

Seriously!?

 

 

I sent Kudos, or congratulations and recognition for an achievement. Is that so hard to accept for you. Of course she thinks she did the right thing for her at the time, SHE SAID THAT. What is wrongs with acknowledging I thought she did too.

 

 

Geeez, did I touch a nerve . . . .

[Hip Pocket]

"I put my own feelings for him aside, to respect his wife and their children, and turned him down, many, many times. Turning him down politely didn't work to the extent that I eventually cut off contact with him and blocked him from my life, again- even though I did not want to- because I thought it was the right thing to do."

 

 

 

 

I just wanted to say Kudos for this and the self-respect and integrity you displayed. Yes, it was the right thing to do.

 

 

Hold your head up . . . you can look back and know you acted with empathy and respect for a family.

 

 

PS: For what it's worth, I think this guy has been cheating all along in his marriages, with other OW. You don't owe him nothing. Keep it the way it is going (the I love you's) and you will be hurt. Tell him to contact you when the D is final, then, step away.

 

How can you suggest he's been cheating all along? What clues or authority do you have? Idk, you just sounded as though you're an insider on the story and I have a problem with that. Unless of course you're an insider on the story.

 

I don't know how anyone can tell you that xMM had any other OW or that you did the right thing. Only you know what's right for you, and you sound like you're in a great place so if you think you did the right thing then you did, not because anyone else told you that you did.

Seriously!?

 

 

I sent Kudos, or congratulations and recognition for an achievement. Is that so hard to accept for you. Of course she thinks she did the right thing for her at the time, SHE SAID THAT. What is wrongs with acknowledging I thought she did too.

 

 

Geeez, did I touch a nerve . . . .

 

Hey if you meant it good on you. That's awesome. But suggesting that she'll get hurt for saying ILY seems off base to me. I've never been hurt for proclaiming my love for a MM.

[wmacbride]

It sounds as though you are putting your life on hold for a lot of "what if's".

 

You say you are dating, but are you really giving that a fair chance, or is some small part of you still holding on to hope that you and Ben might still end up together?

[wmacbride]

Do I think he's the only man in the world for me? I honestly have no ****ing idea. I have no idea why my life has turned out the way it has- this story is only one of several unfortunate stories in my life, in relationships and otherwise. I have no idea if I'm meant to even find love and happiness- most days I feel like it's just not in the cards for me. When your own mother starts to accept the idea that I'm going to be a sad single old maid forever, it's pretty depressing. Except she is so miserable being married to my father that she thinks I'm lucky for being single and independent.

 

Six months ago Facebook reminded me of something he wrote to me six years ago, so I sent him a friend request. We started talking and he told me right away that he remarried to someone he'd only dated for a few months, but wasn't sure if they were going to work out for the long run.

 

Do I have concerns about potentially becoming wife #3? Absolutely. Do I feel guilty about having an emotional relationship with him? Probably not as much as I should. I've known him longer than his current wife has, and they don't have children together. I feel like I did the right thing years ago, denied my own feelings, for the sake of not breaking up his marriage. Well, his marriage broke up anyway, all on it's own. So I guess I believe that if spouses are wandering in the first place, it's only a matter of time before the marriage falls apart- with or without the help of a mistress or whatever I'm supposed to be called.

 

He says we're meant to be together, he says he should have convinced me of this years ago. We probably won't end up together. We'll probably never even get to touch each other. We live thousands of miles away. He probably won't stay with his current wife. I don't really know what type of response I was hoping to get here. Less criticism, more empathy I guess. Or maybe deep down I wanted someone to talk me out of this relationship in a way that I can make sense of.

 

And I absolutely understand what it feels like to have one's notion of romantic love shattered and hopeless. One year after I cut off contact from Ben, I DID meet MY "single guy". I fell insanely in love and thought he felt the same way, after all, he said he did. He convinced me to move hundreds of miles away to be with him, so I did. And then he said he didn't want a relationship, and never wanted to get married. I spent the next 6 months trying to change his mind, until I finally lost MY mind. He didn't even have the courage or decency to break up with me, he just ignored me. I don't even have words to describe the pain I felt.

 

It's taken me three years to get over him, and I'm nowhere near as trusting with my heart as I used to be. Now I found Ben again, and it's wrong that we tell each other we love each other, it's wrong that we have phone sex, and talk for hours and hours whenever we get the chance. He's the best thing I have in my life right now, the only tiny piece of my life that is selfish.

 

After reading this, I almost wonder if part of why you are so hung up on Ben is that your heart has been broken, and you are protecting yourself. right now, Ben is safe, he's married, thousands of km away, and form what you say, there is little chance of the relationship ever going to the next level.

[wmacbride]

I've read some of the other's stories here, and I'm in an easier place to walk away because he and I haven't ever become physical. Obviously that changes everything. I guess what I'm struggling with now is just hurting him in general. I know that sounds ridiculous, he's a selfish guy who tells some other woman that he loves her every night. But he's not a bad guy to me. And I do love him, at the least we've been friends for a decade. I don't think I could ever regret meeting him, or our relationship.

 

I've been dating other people but I don't tell him about it. I'm not used to being dishonest.

I don't know what the rules are in this situation. Do I tell him I'm dating other people? No one is serious yet. I figured that I'd end it if I became serious in a relationship. It's more common for the OW to feel hurt in this situation, but I'm pretty self-protective and haven't been in a position to be hurt yet. How can I be, we've never had sex?

 

But I get the feeling that he'd be devastated if I ended communication. He's attempted suicide before, after his first divorce, and still has PTSD from all the Iraq deployments...I've never been comfortable hurting anyone who's vulnerable let alone someone who is THIS vulnerable.

 

He really is the only person in my entire world who knows how to be supportive of the struggles I have with my family, because he has similar problems with his own family, and it means so much... I can't imagine hurting someone who's been so supportive for me. But anything I do would hurt him. Telling him I'm dating people is hurtful, and so is leading him on (to where, neither of us knows) to then eventually let him know that it's never going to work out.

 

I have a spouse who is a combat veteran with ptsd, and I know many other men and women who are also coping with it. it's a terrible thing.

 

You can't let that keep you from moving on in your life. You can't help him. I know that's really hard to accept, as I have been there myself. He needs therapy and to allow himself to move on.

 

I know this will sound harsh, so pleas take it in the spirit it is meant.

You are not his therapist. You can not help him. he needs to do that himslef.

 

Don't let guilt keep you in a bad place.

[AMJ]

That's all true, wmac. I do have serious issues with intimacy. It's probably why it's easier for me to open up to him, he's never really going to be close to me. I've been in therapy for awhile and understand why I have these issues, what we never seem to figure out is how to fix them. My last therapist said I need to learn to be attracted to different men altogether. So I go on dates with men I'm not remotely interested in, and that ends badly. I even start mini-relationships with men I'm not interested in, and never sleep with, and that ends badly too. Even though he's not really "there" for me, he is the most emotionally supportive man I've ever had a relationship with.

[Hip Pocket]

 

That's all true, wmac. I do have serious issues with intimacy. It's probably why it's easier for me to open up to him, he's never really going to be close to me.

 

 

And you know this how? Self-fulfilled prophesies can be a killer of relationships. Change your prophesy, and change your relationship. The beauty in life is that we can make it what we want it to be!

 

 

I've been in therapy for awhile and understand why I have these issues, what we never seem to figure out is how to fix them. My last therapist said I need to learn to be attracted to different men altogether. So I go on dates with men I'm not remotely interested in, and that ends badly. I even start mini-relationships with men I'm not interested in, and never sleep with, and that ends badly too.

 

 

I used to be a fixer in my Rs, a teacher. I saw a therapist for a few sessions and she suggested that when I quit teaching <fill in the blank> I'll stop attracting men who lack what I am trying to teach. And she was right. Once I stopped teaching my MM this virtue in particular he developed it on his own. Now we have a much better R.

 

 

Even though he's not really "there" for me, he is the most emotionally supportive man I've ever had a relationship with.

 

 

Then he is "there" enough. Isn't he?

 

I no longer see M or living together as the prize, so as long as my guy is there to discuss things, help me make decisions, love me and everything else then he's pretty much there for me. He's more present than my ex-H ever was.