Best friends....

[Pineapple10]

Today I lost my best friend. I was in an affaire with a MM for 10 months. He became my best friend as well as a lover and many other things. So from today I need to let him go....today we said bye to each other for the very last time. I now need to learn and accept that I will never see a man I deeply love. I will not know what he is thinking or feeling. I don't get to chat to him about his day or see his smile. And I never get to feel a hug by his body and heart. One day at a time....I guess.

[oceansaway]

Painful.... I know. One day at a time. You will move forward. Take care of YOU

[Pineapple10]

Thank you. It really hurts.it also hurts that as much as he says he loves me so deeply, really I'm not enough...he doesn't love me enough...he says he doesn't want his wife but he wants to say marriage to her. He says he wants a future with me but can't see how that could happen, it seems impossible....only if you make it impossible ...actually the truth is he doesn't love me or want me enough xx

[Babs22]

Thank you. It really hurts.it also hurts that as much as he says he loves me so deeply, really I'm not enough...he doesn't love me enough...he says he doesn't want his wife but he wants to say marriage to her. He says he wants a future with me but can't see how that could happen, it seems impossible....only if you make it impossible ...actually the truth is he doesn't love me or want me enough xx

 

Pineapple, Please never think that you are not good enough. I know where you are coming from. I have been in an A with a MM for 3 years. He is my best friend and lover. He also will not leave his wife. I believe for the first year of our A, he never said he would not leave his wife. I kind of assumed that we loved each other enough that we would end up together. When he told me that he wouldn't leave his W, I probably should have ended it right there, but I have never been strong enough to do that. There are times when I have come close, like over holidays when I cannot see him as I normally would because his W was off work or when they take vacations together. Those are impossibly hard days/weeks.

 

It sounds like your MM knows that he will not leave his wife either and he is being very honest about it. By letting you go, he is not saying you are not good enough. He is saying you deserve better! He is in a tough situation, he loves you, but he cannot end his M. You didn't say if he has kids. That would make it extremely tough to end a M because it would mean not seeing your kids as much as you would if he stayed married.

 

Quiet Storm put it this way on another thread and I think it sums up very well what is happening when MM will not leave their marriage......

 

Like many OW, you know MM loves you. The moments you've spent together, the conversations, the intimacy shared, the look in his eye, the passion in his touch. You've felt it and truly believe that it is real.

 

Like many women, you feel compelled to follow your heart, and you are hoping that he does, too. The problem is that many men just don't feel that presence of love must lead to action.

 

I believe this difference in how the OW & MM view love and what love means is what keeps affairs lasting for years on end. The OW feels "we are in love, so we should be together" and a MM feels "I love OW, but I'm not leaving my marriage or family".

 

What often happens is that OW, who has complete faith that MM loves her, ends up waiting for years, because she believes love conquers all. And if she just waits patiently, he will see that he must follow his heart and make it happen.

 

The problem is that most MM are not compelled to make changes, even when completely in love with the OW. They often don't place romantic love above commitment or an intact family. They enjoy romantic love- it's exciting, fun and intimate- but in their minds, it isn't "big" enough for them to change their whole lives over. It's difficult for women to accept this because we often feel that love is so important to our happiness.

 

So when this dynamic plays out, you often get a never ending affair. You have an OW whose goal is "being together", who is conflicted, sad & confused but still waiting. And you have a MM who is perfectly content with his marriage + OW, and whose goal is to extend the affair as long as possible.

 

As with many OW's early posts on this forum, Rea, you are focused on the love and feel that "he loves me" will be a huge factor in the outcome of this affair, but it's not. It's not about the love.

 

Let's assume that MM genuinely does love you. He has lied to his daughter in an attempt to protect his marriage/ family- twice. He has told you that he cannot renege on his family commitment. My advise to you is- instead of focusing on the love that you know is real & true, focus on what this man is telling you. "Yes, Rea, I do love you BUT my commitment to my family is more important."

 

Focusing on the love is what the MM wants the OW to do. But focusing on the love is what keeps OW in these dead end situations for years, often wasting the best time of their life in an affair. Focus on the facts and MMs actions, and understand that although MM loves you, he could be exploiting that love to serve his own interests- to keep you loving him, while he stays married & keeps his family intact.

 

The link to that thread is here Honest perspective requested

 

I actually think that by your MM telling you he cannot leave his M and ending the A is the kindest thing he can do. Many MM would keep the affair going as long as possible just as Quiet Storm said, often wasting the best time of their life in an affair. My MM has never tried to end it and neither have I. Now it has been 3 years for me. He still hasn't left his wife. Your MM does love you, you are good enough, but for a MM, "They often don't place romantic love above commitment or an intact family."

 

It will be hard, it will be tough, but do you really want to be in a dead end relationship for 3 years, 5 years, 10 years?? It happens. I'm proof! You are better off to end it. Hugs, I know this is tough.

[LimeBlue]

Quiet Storm put it this way on another thread and I think it sums up very well what is happening when MM will not leave their marriage......

 

"The problem is that most MM are not compelled to make changes, even when completely in love with the OW. They often don't place romantic love above commitment or an intact family. They enjoy romantic love- it's exciting, fun and intimate- but in their minds, it isn't "big" enough for them to change their whole lives over. It's difficult for women to accept this because we often feel that love is so important to our happiness.

 

So when this dynamic plays out, you often get a never ending affair. You have an OW whose goal is "being together", who is conflicted, sad & confused but still waiting. And you have a MM who is perfectly content with his marriage + OW, and whose goal is to extend the affair as long as possible."

 

This is so true. I am finally coming to terms with this fact in my own situation. No matter what nonsense my MM spews, at the end of the day he is not even going to move out (as promised), let alone actually leave and divorce. Being lied to in this manner is soul destroying. He does not want to be with me, yet he is happy to lie to me about "what is meant to be will be". They are all the same, all future fakers who lie to get what they want in the present.

[LimeBlue]

I actually think that by your MM telling you he cannot leave his M and ending the A is the kindest thing he can do. Many MM would keep the affair going as long as possible just as Quiet Storm said, often wasting the best time of their life in an affair. My MM has never tried to end it and neither have I. Now it has been 3 years for me. He still hasn't left his wife. Your MM does love you, you are good enough, but for a MM, "They often don't place romantic love above commitment or an intact family."

 

Babs, how do you cope with your situation? I couldn't continue like that, it sounds so degrading to be his mistress indefinitely. I mean no disrespect, but how do you really cope?

[Pineapple10]

Thank you so much for your kind replies. I actually am the one who ended it, he happily would of carried on in the affair and stayed married. He is a good guy not a monster...not that anyone has said he is. I do believe very much that he loves me but I also know that he will never leave his marriage. We became very connected etc etc etc but.....not enough. Yes he has children xx

[Babs22]

Babs, how do you cope with your situation? I couldn't continue like that, it sounds so degrading to be his mistress indefinitely. I mean no disrespect, but how do you really cope?

 

LimeBlue, That is a fair question and one I figured most readers would wonder. First let me say that I am also married so it is a little different than a single OW with a MM. So many things have happened over our 3 year A, but all in all, like Pineapple said, he is my best friend. We work out together, hang out together, and discuss everything with one another. I never really had that type of R with my own H. It is so hard to end something like that. We don't fight, there is not the push pull relationship. I have the hardest time when we are not able to see each other regularly like when his W is off work or their dreaded yearly vacation (dreaded for me, not him). He has no kids, so they can freely go on vacation, just the two of them. My vacation each year is family oriented because of my kids. Its a little different than his. Other than those times though, things are typically good between us.

 

We have never broken off our A or talked about ending it. I admit that I have thought about ending it many times, but as far as I know he has never considered it. I think I depend on on him just like he depends on me. The things we have dealt with over three years personally has made wanting to end our A difficult for either of us. My MM found out he had cancer 7 months after our A began. His treatment had sexual side effects that could be permanent without any attempt to recover the functioning. Fortunately, due to our "therapy" he was able to recover from that, but it was at least a two year process. My own child has been having serious difficulties with mental illness for the past couple years. I guess neither one of us wanted to give up on the support we provided each other.

 

Doesn't make it right, it is one screwed up situation, but one neither of us has been willing to change yet.

[Babs22]

Thank you so much for your kind replies. I actually am the one who ended it, he happily would of carried on in the affair and stayed married. He is a good guy not a monster...not that anyone has said he is. I do believe very much that he loves me but I also know that he will never leave his marriage. We became very connected etc etc etc but.....not enough. Yes he has children xx

 

Pineapple10, You are very strong to have done that and also very right that he won't leave his M, especially since he has kids. You are doing the very best thing for you. Not easy at all, but the best thing for you long term. You will get some support by posting here. So sorry for the pain I know you must be feeling. Hang in there.

[LimeBlue]

LimeBlue, That is a fair question and one I figured most readers would wonder. First let me say that I am also married so it is a little different than a single OW with a MM. So many things have happened over our 3 year A, but all in all, like Pineapple said, he is my best friend. We work out together, hang out together, and discuss everything with one another. I never really had that type of R with my own H. It is so hard to end something like that. We don't fight, there is not the push pull relationship. I have the hardest time when we are not able to see each other regularly like when his W is off work or their dreaded yearly vacation (dreaded for me, not him). He has no kids, so they can freely go on vacation, just the two of them. My vacation each year is family oriented because of my kids. Its a little different than his. Other than those times though, things are typically good between us.

 

We have never broken off our A or talked about ending it. I admit that I have thought about ending it many times, but as far as I know he has never considered it. I think I depend on on him just like he depends on me. The things we have dealt with over three years personally has made wanting to end our A difficult for either of us. My MM found out he had cancer 7 months after our A began. His treatment had sexual side effects that could be permanent without any attempt to recover the functioning. Fortunately, due to our "therapy" he was able to recover from that, but it was at least a two year process. My own child has been having serious difficulties with mental illness for the past couple years. I guess neither one of us wanted to give up on the support we provided each other.

 

Doesn't make it right, it is one screwed up situation, but one neither of us has been willing to change yet.

 

Does your H know? Does his W know? In my situation, both my H and MM W know when we are together. If they have put two and two together we do not know, but the signs are all there so they would be really blind if neither of them could see it.

 

I love my MM, and want to be with him because my marriage is nothing near what I need (I am working on a way forward from this regardless of MM). But I know MM will never leave which hurts me, because when it comes to a life partner, he is everything I could dream of. Except he is married, and lies to fake a future with me to keep what he has in the present... (or at least that is how I see it). So based on that, perhaps he is not everything I could dream of. URGH.

[LimeBlue]

Thank you so much for your kind replies. I actually am the one who ended it, he happily would of carried on in the affair and stayed married. He is a good guy not a monster...not that anyone has said he is. I do believe very much that he loves me but I also know that he will never leave his marriage. We became very connected etc etc etc but.....not enough. Yes he has children xx

 

You are a stronger better person than me. My MM also wants to continue the status quo of the affair without changing anything. He wants me tagging along in his life at his will without considering my pain and hurt. He too is a good man like your MM and I believe he does love me, but it is not enough.

 

I wish I had your strength to end it outright - I feel that is what he wants, he wants ME to end it so that he is alleviated of the accountability of doing it himself (he lacks accountability and is very wishy washy wet raggy). I want him in my life, sadly. We have both tried ending it, but both keep finding our way back to one another time and time again.

[Friskyone4u]

Pineapple

 

No one is a monster. There is a big difference between selfish and a monster.

The fact is that MEN primarily enter affairs for sex. Women primarily begin affairs emotionally before the sex starts.

 

You said it right. Sure after being this intimate he has feelings for you, but as you realized NOT enough to break up his family and leave the mother of his children. The reasons do not matter. The facts do.

 

So that is where the selfish comes in. He wants to cake eat and have you around as a happy diversion. Tell him you will never ever have sex with him again and see how long he sticks around if you refuse.

 

So now it is time to be SELFISH for yourself and do what you have done. Get yourself out of this and you will find happiness. There are plenty of good honest men out there for you, but not if you are not emotionally available and free of this little hidden secret you are carrying.

 

Just like most addictions, going cold turkey and ending it is the best way. Do it for you and for your future so you do not look back years from now and shake your head at how you waster so much of your life.

[oceansaway]

Agree. Although it is very hard to end anything with someone you love. However I feel being the OW I was enabling him to continue with his merry life. Why would he leave??? He had me AND wouldn't have to deal with breaking up the family. Who wouldn't continue if you have both.

 

I ended it knowing that he HAD to return back to REALITY of his life. After almost 4 years...it was time for me to move on. I will never know what life is like for him now...but honestly...the wife can keep him. I'd never trust a sneaky liar.