Is Revenge Worth It?

[Ryan_XD]

After 8 months of no contact from when me and my ex split up after a 4 year long relationship came to an end we started speaking just before christmas.

 

Conveniently, she'd just been dumped by her boyfriend. I should've told her to do one, but like a fool I spoke and was their for her...

 

We spoke about the past, our future and things we've been up to.

She told me about sexual partners she's had when her and her boyfriend have been on breaks (which he does NOT know about), New Years Eve she went to a party and told me about how drunk she was and she'd gotten off with a man their and how she's been talking to a few other men since her split from her boyfriend.

 

Today, after constant contact and conversation she's stopped speaking, when I managed to get a reply it was very brief and just told me she's met up with her ex boyfriend today and in other words we shouldn't be talking anymore.

 

Now, I feel like a mug. She's used me when she was down and now things are starting to go her way she's forgot me.

 

Basically, she's told me a lot of stuff that I do not think she'll be sharing with her boyfriend (if they were to get back together), and I need someone to convince me that revenge isn't worth it.

 

I am seriously considering sharing all of the information and text's and snapchats she's sent me with her boyfriend and hurt her and their potential relationship...

I know it's cruel and it's awful. I'm not a nasty person at all, I'd say I'm far too nice hence why I started speaking to her when she really needed me. I'm just finding myself thinking "why should she be happy after how she has treated me, YET AGAIN"...

 

I'm going crazy.

[d0nnivain]

Living well is the best revenge. Yes, it does feel good to do that.

 

 

Other forms of revenge, well they say if you set out for revenge you should 1st dig 2 graves. Think about that. Pursuing the idea of making her pay will only keep you trapped longer.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

After 8 months of no contact from when me and my ex split up after a 4 year long relationship came to an end we started speaking just before christmas.

 

Conveniently, she'd just been dumped by her boyfriend. I should've told her to do one, but like a fool I spoke and was their for her...

 

We spoke about the past, our future and things we've been up to.

She told me about sexual partners she's had when her and her boyfriend have been on breaks (which he does NOT know about), New Years Eve she went to a party and told me about how drunk she was and she'd gotten off with a man their and how she's been talking to a few other men since her split from her boyfriend.

 

Today, after constant contact and conversation she's stopped speaking, when I managed to get a reply it was very brief and just told me she's met up with her ex boyfriend today and in other words we shouldn't be talking anymore.

 

Now, I feel like a mug. She's used me when she was down and now things are starting to go her way she's forgot me.

 

Basically, she's told me a lot of stuff that I do not think she'll be sharing with her boyfriend (if they were to get back together), and I need someone to convince me that revenge isn't worth it.

 

I am seriously considering sharing all of the information and text's and snapchats she's sent me with her boyfriend and hurt her and their potential relationship...

I know it's cruel and it's awful. I'm not a nasty person at all, I'd say I'm far too nice hence why I started speaking to her when she really needed me. I'm just finding myself thinking "why should she be happy after how she has treated me, YET AGAIN"...

 

I'm going crazy.

 

The moral high ground aside, I say why not,

She came to you only when she was distraught,

Foolishly, you allowed your feelings to intervene,

Now you're hurting again as she flees the scene.

 

It's obvious that she's lying and keeping stuff from her man,

Although you aren't together, she used you, and you understand,

Call it petty revenge, call it opening another man's eyes,

I say do it even if you owe nothing to these other guys!

[smackie9]

Not sure why you need to. She didn't force you to do anything and you didn't have to talk to her but you did and that was YOUR choice...it was your own doing, not her's.

 

Revenge is petty and childish. If you want to make a statement, never have any contact with her again. She is in a toxic relationship, and it will be a matter of time when she will be back looking for support. Your silence will defeat her.

[Marc878]

Living well is the best revenge. Yes, it does feel good to do that.

 

 

Other forms of revenge, well they say if you set out for revenge you should 1st dig 2 graves. Think about that. Pursuing the idea of making her pay will only keep you trapped longer.

 

This is a mis-translation of Confucious teaching - and he meant something quite different from what it seems in the English translation. What he said was, "子不复仇不子也." It literally means a gentleman who does not take revenge is not a gentleman. He then added, "寝苫枕干不仕弗与共天下也遇诸市朝不反兵而斗." It means a gentleman may not take his revenge right away due to the circumstances but he will remember it everyday before falling into sleep. He then shall take the revenge when the timing is right, even if he must take the whole world with him (to end his own life). This is perhaps the original version of the English version "before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." In other words, Confucious was not encouraging people to let go of the hatred, rather he reminds people the importance of revenge as it is part of the significance of one's dignity, and he was encouraging people to "dig two graves" because he believes that dignity is more important than one's life.

 

In your case you should have stayed no contact and you would have been a lot better off.

Edited January 7, 2016 by Marc878

[StBreton]

Sorry this happened to you Ryan, especially with someone you liked a lot and most likely still do, but ... she sounds like a hot mess. Your best "revenge" is to not be there for her in the future. If she calls, say "hot mess girl, I know what a friend is and you're not mine" then hang up. As others have noted, you engaged with her, your choice. Did you do so as the means to get her back or in hopes of being her friend? Or did you do it to just be the good person you are? She used you, of that I have no doubt...but you allowed yourself to be used. Ms Hot Mess cares about herself and not being a true friend to you. You'll know better to set a healthy boundary next time.

 

Go be a friend to those who truly care about you in a healthy give and take relationship and set any thoughts of "revenge" aside. I guarantee you'll like yourself a lot better a few years from now if you follow advice like this.

Edited January 7, 2016 by StBreton

[Spectre]

You know what I say do it if you want. These people will tell you that living well is the best revenge, but they don't take into account every person is different. I'd say reveal all the information she gave. Why do I say this? Perhaps it will also teach her a lesson to not be so skanky in the future. You might be saving future guys from heart ache if she has her stuff put out there for all to see.

 

So you are, in a way, doing a public service by posting this information. Seriously, I hate when people act like revenge never feels good. They don't want to admit about the darker sides of humanity, but it can satisfy you. It depends on the person.

 

Also you know what if she is f*cking dudes on a "break" I think the bf has a right to know, even if he is an ex. Let him know so he knows to NEVER get with this horrible female again. So to me you giving out this info isn't just revenge, it could legitimately prevent some further heart break. It is up to you of course, but remember people here love to toss out cliches and act like the apply to everyone across the board. For me, if I was her ex, I'd want to know about her shady behavior so I could make sure to avoid this horrid female and never get back with her.

Edited January 7, 2016 by Spectre

[lolablue17]

Of course if you tell him she will hate you forever. Maybe you don't care. The one reason not to tell, is the point of "how did you get the information".

 

If you knew about it from other sources, it's your info and you can do anything you want with it. But when the info came from her, telling you because she thought you are her friend, You know that if you betray her, you become a $hitty person yourself. A person who uses secrets that was told to him as a friend, for his purposes.

 

If you can live with yourself after that, do as your guts tell you.

[basil67]

Yes, you could seek revenge. But your proposed revenge is worse than the original misdeed. This puts you even lower than her.

 

If you're OK with being this level of arsehole, then go ahead. But personally, I think the correct revenge is to simply not be there for her next time.

[lollipopspot]

I know it's cruel and it's awful. I'm not a nasty person at all, I'd say I'm far too nice

 

I guess it's up to you whether you want to keep your self image as a "nice" person or whether you want to be a jerk. I personally think that if you're a jerk, you will expect and receive mean behavior from others.

[TaraMaiden2]

This is a mis-translation of Confucious teaching - and he meant something quite different from what it seems in the English translation. What he said was, "子不复仇不子也." It literally means a gentleman who does not take revenge is not a gentleman. He then added, "寝苫枕干不仕弗与共天下也遇诸市朝不反兵而斗."

Actually, it's not a mis-translation at all.

In fact - it's not even about that particular quotation. It's not a mis-translation of "Living well is the best Revenge."

 

That particular quotation was penned by George Herbert, a British poet born in 1593. It seems unlikely that he would ever have travelled to China, or spoken Chinese, so I'm afraid even if Confucius DID say that, not only is the quotation not connected, it's not even about that quotation.

 

You are referring to:

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”

 

And the passage below refers to THAT quotation, by Confucius, not the one by George Herbert.

 

It means a gentleman may not take his revenge right away due to the circumstances but he will remember it everyday before falling into sleep. He then shall take the revenge when the timing is right, even if he must take the whole world with him (to end his own life). This is perhaps the original version of the English version "before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." In other words, Confucious was not encouraging people to let go of the hatred, rather he reminds people the importance of revenge as it is part of the significance of one's dignity, and he was encouraging people to "dig two graves" because he believes that dignity is more important than one's life.

 

You lifted this interpretation directly from here.

And there are contradictions, which point out that actually, Revenge is a poor sentiment and will end badly. So it's actually inadvisable.

 

You will note that 'the best answer' is actually given as -

 

It means that in revenge, not are you only going to hurt your target, but yourself as well. Basically, no good comes out of seeking revenge.

 

In your case you should have stayed no contact and you would have been a lot better off.

Is the only part of your post, I agree with. Edited January 8, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[JS84]

Revenge for what? Because you were a chump and started talking to her again when you should have just ignored it in the first place?

 

Please tell us, revenge for what exactly?

[TaraMaiden2]

^^^ I'm afraid I have to agree. ^^^

 

You said yourself:

After 8 months of no contact from when me and my ex split up after a 4 year long relationship came to an end we started speaking just before christmas.

 

Conveniently, she'd just been dumped by her boyfriend. I should've told her to do one, but like a fool I spoke and was their for her...

 

We spoke about the past, our future and things we've been up to.

She told me about sexual partners she's had when her and her boyfriend have been on breaks (which he does NOT know about), New Years Eve she went to a party and told me about how drunk she was and she'd gotten off with a man their and how she's been talking to a few other men since her split from her boyfriend.

This is the point where you made your big mistake, and didn't close this down. She cheats. Regularly. All this 'on a break' business is just total bull.

 

 

I'm going crazy.

By your own actions. Through your own decisions.

This, I'm sorry to say, is entirely on you....

[Ryan_XD]

I'm completely aware that It's my fault and my own doing ^^^...

 

The thing is, I never intended or even want to get back with her, that ship has sailed and she's hurt me too much to even consider getting back with her.

 

The most annoying thing is, I thought we could atleast have some sort of friendship atleast over social media or a text every now and then? We have known each other now for almost 6 years, it's such a shameto let it go to waste, seeing as we was friends before.

 

I'm just annoyed that someone I'd class as a "friend" would treat me like this, why should she just choose who she wants to **** on in life and keep getting away with it and being happy, whilst other mugs have to pick up the pieces???

[TaraMaiden2]

The thing is, I never intended or even want to get back with her, that ship has sailed and she's hurt me too much to even consider getting back with her.

So I'm curious why you'd not only break NC, but also continue to engage with her when she revealed with every increasing number of words, just what her game-plan was?

 

The most annoying thing is, I thought we could atleast have some sort of friendship atleast over social media or a text every now and then? We have known each other now for almost 6 years, it's such a shameto let it go to waste, seeing as we was friends before.

This is your subjective pov. Unfortunately, it' became abundantly clear, quite early on, that she wasn't engaging in the same way as you were hoping to.....

 

I'm just annoyed that someone I'd class as a "friend" would treat me like this, why should she just choose who she wants to **** on in life and keep getting away with it and being happy, whilst other mugs have to pick up the pieces???

You're still not getting it.

She's not getting away with anything. She's living her life the way she wants and is quite contented to continue doing so.

YOU - are the 'fly in the ointment'. You're the 'mug' picking up the pieces, but that's a choice YOU made.

She hasn't made you do anything. She's not rubbing your nose in it.

You are finding it all too much of a problem, but the sad fact is - it's your problem, entirely. Not hers.

[Ryan_XD]

So I'm curious why you'd not only break NC, but also continue to engage with her when she revealed with every increasing number of words, just what her game-plan was?

 

I think I'm actually able to speak with another human when THEY make contact with me, why would I ignore them?

To be honest the whole NC forever is utter bull s**t in my opinon. Just because you've broken up with someone, why can you NEVER speak to them again after everything you've been through together???

 

why would I ignore an old friend when they said hello and was interested in How I am doing?

 

 

This is your subjective pov. Unfortunately, it' became abundantly clear, quite early on, that she wasn't engaging in the same way as you were hoping to.....

I'm very glad that you could recognize she wasn't interested in becoming friends like I was? I'm intrigued as to What gave you that impression? Was it how SHE broke the NC? Was it how SHE constantly spoke to me? Was it that SHE confided personal information to me? Because that all seems like the actions a FRIEND would do.

 

You're still not getting it.

She's not getting away with anything. She's living her life the way she wants and is quite contented to continue doing so.

YOU - are the 'fly in the ointment'. You're the 'mug' picking up the pieces, but that's a choice YOU made.

She hasn't made you do anything. She's not rubbing your nose in it.

You are finding it all too much of a problem, but the sad fact is - it's your problem, entirely. Not hers.

 

So she's not getting away with anything?

She can pick people up, use them when she needs and then drop them and live her life like nothing happened?

 

I was their for her, I supported her, gave her advice and spoke for hours when she needed it. For her to then just forget all of that as soon as she gets her own way?

 

What about the lads she was talking to? What about the ones she met and had relations with? What if they had the slight impression she's interested in them? And now they have to deal with it, whilst she goes off completely free oblivious what she's done and probably will do to even more people.

[Redhead14]

After 8 months of no contact from when me and my ex split up after a 4 year long relationship came to an end we started speaking just before christmas.

 

Conveniently, she'd just been dumped by her boyfriend. I should've told her to do one, but like a fool I spoke and was their for her...

 

We spoke about the past, our future and things we've been up to.

She told me about sexual partners she's had when her and her boyfriend have been on breaks (which he does NOT know about), New Years Eve she went to a party and told me about how drunk she was and she'd gotten off with a man their and how she's been talking to a few other men since her split from her boyfriend.

 

Today, after constant contact and conversation she's stopped speaking, when I managed to get a reply it was very brief and just told me she's met up with her ex boyfriend today and in other words we shouldn't be talking anymore.

 

Now, I feel like a mug. She's used me when she was down and now things are starting to go her way she's forgot me.

 

Basically, she's told me a lot of stuff that I do not think she'll be sharing with her boyfriend (if they were to get back together), and I need someone to convince me that revenge isn't worth it.

 

I am seriously considering sharing all of the information and text's and snapchats she's sent me with her boyfriend and hurt her and their potential relationship...

I know it's cruel and it's awful. I'm not a nasty person at all, I'd say I'm far too nice hence why I started speaking to her when she really needed me. I'm just finding myself thinking "why should she be happy after how she has treated me, YET AGAIN"...

 

I'm going crazy.

 

Well, unless there isn't anything she knows about you after 4 years together that you might not like anyone else knowing, go ahead . . .

[Space Ritual]

So she's not getting away with anything?

She can pick people up, use them when she needs and then drop them and live her life like nothing happened?

 

I was their for her, I supported her, gave her advice and spoke for hours when she needed it. For her to then just forget all of that as soon as she gets her own way?

 

What about the lads she was talking to? What about the ones she met and had relations with? What if they had the slight impression she's interested in them? And now they have to deal with it, whilst she goes off completely free oblivious what she's done and probably will do to even more people.

 

Ryan,

 

Take the advice of The Lord Humungus in The Road Warrior.....

 

"Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror".

 

 

Do yourself a favor and do just that.

[kendahke]

I think I'm actually able to speak with another human when THEY make contact with me, why would I ignore them? To be honest the whole NC forever is utter bull s**t in my opinon. Just because you've broken up with someone, why can you NEVER speak to them again after everything you've been through together???

 

Because clearly, you're not in an emotional position to be their sounding board. You had an unspoken expectation that she treat with you with some level of elevated importance when the fact of the matter seems to be that she was just talking to someone she used to know. If you were in a position of feeling indifference--which is where you needed to be in order to treat with her--you'd be shrugging your shoulders and going about your own, merry, uncomplicated life business, not trying to figure out how to throw a bomb in her boyfriend's lap.

 

 

why would I ignore an old friend when they said hello and was interested in How I am doing?

 

Because she's not an "old friend"---she's someone you've clearly still have unresolved feelings for and stopping at saying hello, which is basically what she did, isn't good enough for you. You're mad that she stopped talking to you. If you were indifferent, this question would be unnecessary.

 

I'm very glad that you could recognize she wasn't interested in becoming friends like I was? I'm intrigued as to What gave you that impression? Was it how SHE broke the NC? Was it how SHE constantly spoke to me? Was it that SHE confided personal information to me? Because that all seems like the actions a FRIEND would do.

 

People break NC for a gazillion reasons that have nothing to do with interest in getting back together. Her confiding personal information to you and the rest of it was not a binding contract to agree to re-invest in anything with you. If you had not agreed to go along when she contacted you, she'd have found someone else to vent to--because that's basically all she was doing: venting her frustrations with her boyfriend to you.

 

So she's not getting away with anything?

She can pick people up, use them when she needs and then drop them and live her life like nothing happened?

 

Not if they don't give themselves permission to play along with her. You went into this with an unexpressed expectation and she didn't meet it.

 

I was their for her, I supported her, gave her advice and spoke for hours when she needed it. For her to then just forget all of that as soon as she gets her own way?

 

Again, that was not a binding contract to reciprocate on your terms. She didn't force you to do this: you had an idea of how you wanted this all to pan out and it didn't. You're mainly mad at yourself for building an artificial construct around something you never expressed to her: what you wanted out of her in return for you agreeing to be her sounding board. Now that construct has crashed to the ground and you dont' want to take responsibility for building it.

 

What about the lads she was talking to? What about the ones she met and had relations with? What if they had the slight impression she's interested in them? And now they have to deal with it, whilst she goes off completely free oblivious what she's done and probably will do to even more people.

 

What about them? They're all adults, not a bunch of 11 yr olds with no knowledge and experience of the world. At the end of the day, she is free to do as she pleases and they are free to not deal with one such as her. As are you. That any of you choose to make this woman a part of your life is on you all, not her. Are you going to go out and save all the men of the UK from her or something? Not enough time in the day, not that they wouldn't stop you in your tracks for such foolishness.

 

She couldn't have done anything to you or anyone else without you all going along with it as a means to get out of her what you wanted from her. Take responsibility for the part you played in letting yourself down. She should have been shut down the minute she started talking about any of these guys, but for some weird, strange reason, you sat there and gobbled up every word that issued from her lips and never told her that you didn't want to hear all of that. Generally speaking, when someone says "hey, I really don't want to hear about your other guys, do you mind?" they usually will stop talking about it unless they're really eff'd up in the head and malicious.

Edited January 8, 2016 by kendahke

[TaraMaiden2]

Thanks kendahke, eloquently put.

 

Yes, very much the same as I would have said.

 

Ryan_XD, why do you make these two assumptions?

 

One: That you can be manipulated and coerced into doing things beyond your control, and that she is to blame for everything you are now considering?

 

Two: That you are incapable of making your own decisions, and can be manipulated, forced or controlled to behave in a certain way, and that what YOU choose to think, say and do, is not your fault or responsibility?

 

Are you suggesting that what you are left with is a series of consequences you have no control over, because of the way she has behaved?

Are you that malleable?

[lolablue17]

Revenge it the best when it is served cold.

 

You say she came to you when she was down? I can promise you, she'll be down again, and will try to reach out for you. That is the time, when you have some power over her, to apply your revenge.