Believing the Lies

[MusicGirl]

This is really long but please bear with me!!

 

I met RD about a year and a half ago at a bar (end of September) We were just really attracted to each other and really hit it off. At first it was just a casual friendship with physical benefits. I would go and hang out with him when I was bored or late at night when I was home from being out with friends. One night I got a text from his phone and it was his girlfriend (whom I didn't know existed). The next day he told me that it was his crazy ex-girlfriend, (let's call her S)and I at this point didn't really care because I just wanted the physical benefits of the relationship. A couple of months went by and I started to have feelings for him. We were seeing each other quite often. One night he told me he loved me and I said I loved him too but at that point I was not 100% sure that I meant it. There had been continual suspicions of this other girl in his life but I was convinced it was his ex-girlfriend that hung around with his friends, etc;

I started to consider pursuing a relationship with him but was afraid of what my family would think of him because of his background. My parents were also very strict with me growing up and I did not know if I really wanted a relationship at the time because I was always partying. I was sure I only wanted him though. We spent Valentine's Day together and had a really nice time and at that point I was sure he did not have a girlfriend because there was no way he could get away with pulling that off. But this "ex-girlfriend" continued to terrorize me occasionally and try to get into contact with me via social media.

One day my suspicions with RD got the best of me and I decided to let this girl speak with me once and for all. She basically told me that she was his girlfriend. But I just didn't understand how he got away with all of this and she just said she had no proof. But boy I can't tell you how good he was at lying and manipulating. He came clean to me and admitted to the fact that they were together. I don't really remember how I dealt with it. I don't even remember how he manipulated me into still seeing him!! I was lying to my family and friends pretending that I was not seeing him but secretly was still seeing him because I felt I was just so in love with him. He said that they were over at that point which would make sense to me. NOPE! Now it was the end of May and they were still seeing each other as I saw from social media stalking. At that point I was done. I left him a simple message telling him to not speak to me and blocked him on everything.

I missed him a lot but there was no way I was dealing with that. I still felt like I loved him but my time away from him got easier and I enjoyed my summer for the most part. I eventually unblocked his number and he would occasionally stalk my profile online by liking things but I was always secretly dying to talk to him again. On my birthday in October he finally texted me. I was so desperate to talk to him I talked to him. And I did not really want him back in my life at all for good reasons but I just really wanted to see him thinking things could be casually forgiven (delusional of me). It took very little time for me to fall head over heals in love with him again. He had spent the four months that we were apart living in an apartment that he got with S and then told me some story about how she got him arrested by screaming that RD was going to kill her. He was in the process of moving back to my town while we were texting. I assumed it had nothing to do with me at the time. He came back and basically told me he wanted to pursue a relationship with me and have a real shot at being together. I told him originally I was going away in the Spring and that I did not have time to be with someone. But of course we ended up spending all of our time together, in which these times were the happiest times I feel I ever had. We really felt so in love and he would tell me all the time how perfect I was and how much he loved me. I was scared and had many suspicions but for the most part, times that I thought he was lying I found out he wasn't and was pleasantly surprised. His family knew about me because I had met his mother and step father (not that his mother was friendly at all but I knew the situation was very awkward), and his very close friends, so I felt comfortable that he was serious about me (finally).

On Thanksgiving eve we went out to the bars but we were separated. His phone died and I started to get worried so I went into the bar that I thought he was in and found him very intoxicated and under the influence of a fair amount of cocaine. So I had to take him home in a cab we were going back to his apartment. In the cab I saw him texting S. I flipped out and screamed at him. I jumped out of the cab and he chased after me. We got in a fight and he explained some story about how they still had finances to work out from their apartment together. It was convincing. We went back to his apartment and we were kind of okay. He was opening up to me about his problems. When we laid down to go to bed he said to me "I love you so much S" YES HE CALLED ME HER NAME. I was frozen. I told him to be happy and he was cursing me out but I left and I never cried so hard on my way home. I was so beyond devastated and hurt. Somehow a few days later he convinced me that it made sense he said that by accident because he was blacked out and we were fighting about her. I did not really believe it but I guess I wanted to so we continued to see each other. Everything was fantastic for the most part. Until the end...

My family and friends hated him at this point for the ridiculousness he had put me through. So I did not really tell them I was still talking to him. One night I went out with my sisters and friends and I was very intoxicated and on the phone with him. My sister started cursing me out about him and I ran away and shattered my phone we got into a physical fight and I almost got arrested he offered to pick me up before that but I had broken my phone. My sister told RD to get away from me and never talk to me again and was cursing him out. I was so upset by this I told him not to answer her because at the time he was not doing anything wrong. I then found out that he was pretty much ignoring me and was mad at me for what happened (or so he said). He blocked me on social media and I found out through a friend that he was following S again. I was not speaking to him. On NYE I got a message from S telling me to stay away from RD and that his family wanted me to stay away from him too. And all that she was with him this whole time and that she knew about me too and that she was around everyday (which makes no sense that I had never run into her so I don't believe all that she says either, she's extremely manipulative). She then makes a group texting chat with me, RD and herself telling RD to make a choice between the two of us. RD calls me at 4 am saying "I love you I'll call her in front of you and tell her that I love you" and I told him I would call him tomorrow. When I called him I called him out on his ****. He denied that S was or is his girlfriend but could not really deny that he had seen her. I told him I did not want to see him again and he was less that happy about it. I was devastated again because I loved him so much. The next night I went out to the bar and he started calling me. I figured he wanted to talk. He left me a voicemail of him saying that (1) He's not sorry for doing what he's done (2) It was purely physical (3) To never contact him and then S gets on the phone and basically tells me to "F" off and that I'm too young (She is 6 years older than me, he is 3 years).

 

I couldn't even say what I needed to say. I just don't know what to do. I don't believe that he means he never loved me? But I can't talk to him but I need to. We talked about getting married and having kids but S tells me he said the same exact things to her. And we both know he needs therapy but I feel so frustrated that she is the one that gets to take care of him and that it's like I never did anything for him emotionally. I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that perhaps he never loved me or what he thought was love wasn't love and vice versa. I just need some input. Sorry for how long it is.

[Grewd]

It's simple, he emotionally abused you. If you didn't know what emotional abuse was then now you know, this is what it looks like. He abused your trust.

 

He lied, it's unacceptable to lie, period. The next time someone lies to you remember the absolutely sh*tty feeling of this experience, it makes it easy to not ignore your doubts.

 

What he means by never loving you is that he never loved you. He couldn't have, being so caught up in the stress of weaving all those lies. There's no place for love in people who does that. People who loves don't lie, he lied from the beginning and so he never loved you.

 

He probably won't take therapy so he won't need it, what he needs is to hit rock bottom and then maybe therapy will do him good. She's probably not doing much for him emotionally either, she's just as much caught in the web as you were. You know how he treated her right? You know what a lying hurtful son of a b*tch he is? His current "girlfriend" is NOT privileged to be with him and take that abuse.

 

There was no love that he thought was love and you didn't, love is to give a sh*t about other people which he evidently didn't. He's devoid of love, lacking. You tried to fill his void, but his void is ever consuming, it won't fill and certainly won't pour out.

 

I prefer calling them black holes, if you're not careful you get sucked in and if you do you're essentially f*cked. A black hole never fills, they just suck others dry making them black holes as well.

[Rocci di Persia]

I know it's hard to let go but give yourself some space and time and go NC. I have used NC numerous times with admittedly varied success (as you will have read in my story) but I always found it was quite effective in giving me clarity the longer I withstood any form of communication. I recommend you try it. Start immediately and keep it up for as long as you can.

 

Whatever is really going on between the two of them you should not want to be anywhere near it. S sounds unstable. RD is a liar - how can you trust anything he says? You deserve much better. Believe it. Be strong.

 

I am not sure if he loved you but he sounds really sick and dysfunctional. You sound like a really nice woman who was taken advantage of. Men tell women they love them all the time but you have to watch their actions. Their actions tell you if they really love you. Even men who cannot bring themselves to utter the word "love" will show you and you will not have a doubt about it. My ex could never say he loved me except once in a letter and even that was in a really roundabout way: he said he could never come up with any reasons as to why he would ever love somebody but he knew I was different. He told past girlfriends he loved them but he never meant it.