Lying to get what you want.

[Haider23]

Hello everyone. I need some advice and I found this community.

Some background first: I'm 34, husband is 36. We have 2 kids (1 and 4).

We have recently moved to Singapore so he could take a better job as a pilot, flying a bigger plane and for more money than back home. Another perk of the job was a better schedule: all trips are either one day trips (ending the same day at home) or one yo two days out at best.

There is, however, one trip that lasts an entire week. It is a trip to Istanbul, Turkey. He went on that trip last month.

That week was a little difficult for me, as I was home with kids and no help. Obviously there is no family here or much support at all.

When he came back he kept talking about how he company will increase the frequency of this flight soon, and that he would probably start going there more often. He knows I'd rather have him around, and he said he could swap it around if he got it again.

He got a phone call the other day, with a schedule change. A trip to Istanbul was added at the end of the month. We both have his schedule app on our phones (he got tired of me asking when he was off to schedule activities) and I saw the notification. He had REQUESTED to go on that trip!!

When I asked why he is requesting to go, when he told me he wasn't going to, he responded that he had fun flying a "real long haul trip" for the first time, that when he dreamed of flying as a child that's what he had pictured, that if he had told me that he wanted to do it again I would have opposed and that I don't let him have "fun at work". So he decided to go ahead and requested it behind my back. He wasn't planning on the word "request" showing up on the notification.

 

I'm not sure how to feel about this. It hurts a little that he'd rather be gone for a whole week rather than being home. He flies to lots of "fun" places like Thailand, Bali and Australia (but only stays there for a day or two), but he didn't request those. He said he would not go to IST if I didn't want him to (swap). But I don't want to be the b#tch stealing his "childhood dream".

I obviously worry about him being all alone in an exotic city full of attractive women with another guy on the same boat, thousands of miles away from home. In 11 years together he never gave me a reason to doubt him, but I know how other guys are and how easy it would be for my husband to be in "the wrong place at the wrong time".

I made a lot of sacrifices to come here with him, including leaving family behind and putting my own career on stand by. Am I being controlling for asking him not to REQUEST that trip (if he is assigned he is assigned, whatever). I worry that he went and requested this trip anyway behind my back. Not sure what to think and I don't want to over react either. Help! His trip is at the end of the month

Edited January 8, 2016 by Haider23

[TaraMaiden2]

The common myth that Pilots cheat is exactly that - a myth. There is nothing to indicate that Pilots are any more likely to be tempted by 'attractive women' in their working environment than any other businessman, doctor, dentist, vet, or Store manager.

 

Your husband is obviously extremely keen on his job.

Unless you have suspicions based on previous behaviour, or he has shown a proclivity towards flirting with women, having an Alpha-male ego or basking in the fame of being a Pilot, then I would suggest your fears are based more on your personal insecurity than anything he might be tempted to do.

 

I honestly believe you need to voice your fears - but not in an accusatory way.

 

Not "I'm scared you want to be away from me to cheat"

 

But

 

"It worries me that I am seeing less of you, because I cherish our relationship and am worried this will make us more distant."

 

Take charge, own your fears and talk to him.

[Qboro90]

When you made the sacrifice to move to Singapore, you were allowing him to pursue his career and dream and this country was the best place for him to do so. Now that you're there it sounds like you're having second thoughts because it's just you and the kids when he's not home and naturally it gets lonely and difficult.

 

You aren't wrong for feeling that way, but if you were willing to support him in this move for his career then support him 100% for the time you are there.

 

Is there a time period you expect to be there for? You said you moved and put your career on hold so I'm assuming that this is a part time living situation for a year or 2 until he gets the experience necessary on the larger planes and is able to apply/qualify for a job back home. If this is a permanent move for the foreseeable future then that's a different story.

 

Either way I think you need to improve the communication you have with him. You said you trust him and he's never given you a reason not to in 11 years. So don't think that any of that has changed now. He's earned your trust until you can prove he doesn't deserve it.

 

Part of why he took this job is because his trips are all 1 day and sometimes 2. That means he's home with you majority of the week correct? How many days a week is he sleeping in your home together? If it's 20 days a month. Then the Istanbul trip is relatively minor on the grand scheme of things. The entire point of moving was so he could take on opportunities like this. Think long term. It might suck now for a bit, but financially he is ensuring you and your kids futures and securing his career long term. His job is a very specific kind of industry where traveling is the industry. You knew this when you married him. He will always be a pilot and likely not gonna change.

 

That being Said, you need to sit down and talk to him about the Istanbul trips. Tell him you love him and you know that this is what makes him happy so you took a risk and packed up your life to support him in his goals. That's because you are a family and that's what you do for each other. But if it's going to work and that family dynamic is kept, then he needs to understand that you deserve the truth and voice in the decisions that will keep him away from his family for longer periods of time. Lying because he's scared you'll say "no you can't go" or throw a fit, is going to cause a rift and resentment between each of you.

 

If he's reasonable and loves you then he will understand. See if you can discuss and plan his schedule so as to ensure he spends time at home and with you. If one month he works 16 days away, then that might not be the best month to request the Istanbul flight. If you see him every day and he's home 21 days of the month. Then the 7 day trip would be easier for you to manage.

 

Be careful on telling him what he can and can't do tho. That will just force him to lie. Sometimes you'll have to bite the billet even when you don't want him to go. If he's a good husband he will make it up to you somehow.

[sandylee1]

From a female POV......I don't see that you're stealing his dream. What I see. .is that he probably enjoyed the break of not having to help with the kids for a week and wants to do it again.... but he's not going to admit this.

 

I also enjoyed having a break from my kids at that age.....

 

Kids at that age are hard work.

 

I must say so often women make sacrifices with their own career and follow their husbands around the world... so personally 8 find his attitude selfish.

 

Have you thought about getting some paid help to give you time out.. your H can pay for it since he wants to leave you with the kids for a week.

 

Howabout.... you perhaps compromise and allow say 4/5 of the week long trips per year maybe...... if he's getting what he wants. .. you need to try and get what you want. I'd be saying to him.....if you have a week away.. then when you get back I need 2/3 days on my own in a spa to rejuvenate... While HE has the kids on his own. Then see if he's that keen for the Turkey trip.

 

I can imagine him saying. "But I need to rest after a week of hard work ... I cant manage with the kids on my own "

 

After a week with them on your own.. you can tell him you are exhausted as well.

 

My focus wouldn't be him cheating or possibly cheating.. it would be..looking after the kids alone.

[Popsicle]

Plenty of people throw themselves into work purposefully and a bit unnecessarily to avoid home. I have seen countless people do this over the years. I would be suspicious of that being the case. What to do about it, I don't know? It's not like any of these people want to leave their marriage.

[Popsicle]

Maybe you should get a job that you love too?

[MJJean]

Your husband is a pilot. Being a pilots wife comes with periods of separation and relocation for work is common. Allegedly, divorce among pilots is somewhere around 75%. There is a reason for that. The job is hard on a marriage and it takes a certain kind of person to be successfully married to someone who is working in a high stress field and is away a lot.

 

He loves the long flights. You want him home more. It seems he took the job in Singapore so that he'd be home with you more often. So, why not let the IST flights be the compromise? He gets to go on his long flight and the rest of the time he's home with you.

 

If being in Singapore is lonely, try making friends with local residents and other ex-pats. Maybe see if you can resume your career there. If you need help with the kids, perhaps you could afford to hire someone to lend an hand occasionally. My DH also worked a job that required travel for days on end when our kids were young. The busier I kept myself being involved in living life while he was away, the happier we both were.

 

Your H did lie, which damaged trust. That is something he needs to understand and do the work to repair.

 

As far as your fears that he'll cheat, that's not something within your control. You can only do you. Whether or not he cheats is entirely on him.

[MJJean]

From a female POV......I don't see that you're stealing his dream. What I see. .is that he probably enjoyed the break of not having to help with the kids for a week and wants to do it again.... but he's not going to admit this.

 

I also enjoyed having a break from my kids at that age.....

 

Kids at that age are hard work.

 

I must say so often women make sacrifices with their own career and follow their husbands around the world... so personally 8 find his attitude selfish.

 

Have you thought about getting some paid help to give you time out.. your H can pay for it since he wants to leave you with the kids for a week.

 

Howabout.... you perhaps compromise and allow say 4/5 of the week long trips per year maybe...... if he's getting what he wants. .. you need to try and get what you want. I'd be saying to him.....if you have a week away.. then when you get back I need 2/3 days on my own in a spa to rejuvenate... While HE has the kids on his own. Then see if he's that keen for the Turkey trip.

 

I can imagine him saying. "But I need to rest after a week of hard work ... I cant manage with the kids on my own "

 

After a week with them on your own.. you can tell him you are exhausted as well.

 

My focus wouldn't be him cheating or possibly cheating.. it would be..looking after the kids alone.

 

He's not an accountant, or teacher, or some guy in a white collar management position. He's a pilot. It takes a certain breed of human to go through the education and insane training required to be licensed to do his job. It isn't a 9-5. It's a lifestyle, a passion. And, for most people who fly, it is their dream.

 

Not to mention that to remain employable, he needs to long as many hours on various kinds of equipment as he possibly can. The choice jobs are the ones that pay well and allow generous home time. For every one of those jobs, there are hundreds of applicants. He needs to be out there, working and networking. His is in a competitive field. There are pilots within 10 miles of me (I live near a major international airport) who would kill someone they like with their bare hands to have a job that would allow them to be home even 1 week a month. Home every night other than a week once or twice a month sounds like heaven to a lot of transportation employees.

 

I don't think this is about avoiding being home with the younglings at all. I wouldn't be surprised if, for him, it does seem selfish of his wife to want him home even more. From his pov, he's already taken a job that allows him to be home for his wife more often, so what more does she want, dammit!

 

He's a pilot. It's not just a job. It's part of who he is. It's his dream and his passion. Realistically, he'll spend most of his career away for days at a time. That's just the nature of the beast. If the OP wants a husband who will be home every night or nearly every night, being a pilots wife is not for her.

 

I'm starting to see why my SIL, a flight attendant, never married.

Edited January 8, 2016 by MJJean

[d0nnivain]

Talk to him. Explain your perspective: You uprooted everything to go to Singapore in part for the better schedule & because you love him which includes supporting him but you thought he would not request the Istanbul week long trip. Then ask him why he put in for it.

 

 

He probably does like the break, the hotels & the lack of domestic responsibility besides forking over the paycheck. It doesn't mean he's cheating. However he is shirking his responsibilities.

 

 

If he is going to be gone those weeks, can you get help those weeks even if you have to pay a babysitter 4-5 hours a day so you can get stuff done?

[dichotomy]

Marriage is supposed to be about compromise and giving to each other. You compromised in a big way to move to a foreign country because the deal was it would allow him more time with you and HIS KIDS. Sounds like he backed out of his side of the deal. Not a good husband OR FATHER.

[sandylee1]

He's not an accountant, or teacher, or some guy in a white collar management position. He's a pilot. It takes a certain breed of human to go through the education and insane training required to be licensed to do his job. It isn't a 9-5. It's a lifestyle, a passion. And, for most people who fly, it is their dream.

 

Not to mention that to remain employable, he needs to long as many hours on various kinds of equipment as he possibly can. The choice jobs are the ones that pay well and allow generous home time. For every one of those jobs, there are hundreds of applicants. He needs to be out there, working and networking. His is in a competitive field. There are pilots within 10 miles of me (I live near a major international airport) who would kill someone they like with their bare hands to have a job that would allow them to be home even 1 week a month. Home every night other than a week once or twice a month sounds like heaven to a lot of transportation employees.

 

I don't think this is about avoiding being home with the younglings at all. I wouldn't be surprised if, for him, it does seem selfish of his wife to want him home even more. From his pov, he's already taken a job that allows him to be home for his wife more often, so what more does she want, dammit!

 

He's a pilot. It's not just a job. It's part of who he is. It's his dream and his passion. Realistically, he'll spend most of his career away for days at a time. That's just the nature of the beast. If the OP wants a husband who will be home every night or nearly every night, being a pilots wife is not for her.

 

I'm starting to see why my SIL, a flight attendant, never married.

 

 

I'm well aware it's not a 9 - 5 job MJ... I'm not incapable of understanding that. My point is that they moved there so he could get experience of flying the big planes. He's getting that experience... and now he wants to be away from home longer. Meanwhile the OPs career has been put on hold.

 

Marriage is about compromise .... which is why I suggested getting some paid help or also taking time out when he returns from the trips. He should be earning enough to pay for the extra help and the OPs spa breaks.

 

Her career is on hold...... his is flying high ( no pun intended), she's in a foreign country with no friends or family support.. .. why should all the sacrifices be on her side alone..

[Winterina]

Seems a bit unfair that he is out there making effort to maximize fun at work and pursue his childhood dreams while leaving you alone to take care of kids, home, and wait for him in a foreign city. All that while not even having a guts to tell you that he really is prioritizing himself and his fun and dreams over his family life.

[ShatteredLady]

When my kids were very little (0-3) my H travelled a lot. I live in a foreign country away from family & friends. My daughter slept through the night once in the first 18months of her life & NEVER napped...my son slept but woke at 6am no matter what (still does) I would of killed just to get some sleep!

 

Everyone else has given you relationship advise. Can I give you some personal help? There are other women just like you, living very close to you. I found that in this country they join a lot of kids clubs & library kids time etc. but they all leave at the end & it just fills 1 hour of your time!!

 

For me it took a change in character. I handed out 'baby party' invitations to the women in a similar boat to me. They were THRILLED!! All you need is 4-5 regular mums & you can have play dates & swap a few hours care of the kids. It makes life so much easier once you've got a bit of a support system.

 

I became friends with a lady who was an ex pilot married to a pilot. We would just go for walks, wandering around with the kids talking & have lunch, play dates etc.

 

Someone (sorry ) said "keep busy" & that's the best way to survive. It DOES get easier as they get older...yours are at such a hard age. I wouldn't do day care until mine were older but many mums do. Even if it's just a couple of mornings a week.

 

I know it's crazy making being alone with very little ones.

 

Once I was talking about trying to keep the baby quiet in the night to not disturb my H because he had work & a woman near me was HORRIFIED! She said "You BOTH made the babies, you BOTH take care of them!". I know your H is a pilot & needs to catch-up on rest. Don't fall into the trap my friend did! Her pilot H did nothing for the kids!!

[Mr. Lucky]

There is, however, one trip that lasts an entire week. It is a trip to Istanbul, Turkey. He went on that trip last month.

 

What makes it week-long trip? Singapore to IST is about a 12-hour flight.

 

What does he do in IST when he's not working ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Haider23]

What makes it week-long trip? Singapore to IST is about a 12-hour flight.

 

What does he do in IST when he's not working ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It's a cargo trip. It just works that way. Sometimes he flies first to India or Kazakhstan and then Istanbul, but he's still gone all week. And yeah, when he is not flying he is off to do anything he wants! It's like a vacation with a free 5 star hotel and daily allowance that won't show in our bank account.

 

He doesn't really have responsibilities at home. We live in a small apartment. He doesn't have to take care of the kids. We do have a nanny we can call if we want to go out and do things. I don't think he's escaping from responsibilities.

But it does bother me that he went through the trouble of telling me that the company was adding more IST flights (which would mean he would have to go more often) and that he has better chances of getting it because he doesn't need a visa (there are only two Americans pilots at the company, most are Asian)... And then go ahead and request the trip behind my back. At this point, I'm not sure if the flight increases and the visa issue are true, or just BS so I wouldn't ask why is he going to IST more often. Specially when I wouldn't throw a fit or any thing like that, we always discuss things in a civilized manner, wether we agree or not.

I think that he got an ego boost after getting out of the grind the regional airlines in the US were. Here, he flies a big plane, is treated well and the whole thing might have gotten to his head a little.

I just wish he hadn't lied and schemed to go like that. It makes me wonder WHAT is it about Istanbul that he likes so damn much??

 

He said he could swap out of it if I wanted him to stay. He said he won't go if I don't want him to. But I hate to do that. I am not a controlling person and I won't tell him not to pursue his dreams. And he knows that.

 

All I had asked is that he wouldn't REQUEST the trip.

 

Thanks everyone for your answers, BTW.

Edited January 17, 2016 by Haider23

[Mr. Lucky]

It's a cargo trip. It just works that way. Sometimes he flies first to India or Kazakhstan and then Istanbul, but he's still gone all week. And yeah, when he is not flying he is off to do anything he wants! It's like a vacation with a free 5 star hotel and daily allowance that won't show in our bank account.

 

Sounds like a lot of fun - for a single guy - which he's not ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Haider23]

Honestly, I don't think he will cheat. At the same time, our relationship has declined over the past couple of years.

 

He just seems to care a little bit less every day. He's happy or, at least, very comfortable. But he does not do a single thing for our relationship. Or me.

He used to call me a few times per day when flying. Now, even if he's on a layover, he won't. Whatsapp is all we do unless I ask him if he wants to skype or try WA call.

 

There are no special occasion gifts or dates, because "we don't need to spend money on that kind of stuff, do we?"

 

I had to get my gallbladder out a few months ago, and he only came to visit me at the hospital for about 40 minutes because I begged and guilt tripped him into it. He came with his buddy. After they left, they went for a drink and screw around for an hour before they went home.

 

There are no "I love yous", no more hugs from behind, no sweet text messages. It's been years since he last sent me a text saying "I miss you" or anything similar. When he goes to a cool place he never says "wish you could be here to see this"... No, he is just having a good time. All these things used to happen, many years ago and in a galaxy far away. I see one thing go each day, and it hurts. He doesn't seem to notice.

 

He is somewhat affectionate with me at home. We snuggle, the sex is great and very often.

Yet, sometimes he'll come back from work and won't even give me a kiss or a hello. Most times he does.

 

We do have a babysitter, but we never really go out on dates. It's expensive to go dine out here, and really going out usually ends with him bitching at how much the bill was. I am always the one asking him if he wants to do something. Also, 99% of the times we go out, he'll call one of his buddies to join us. It's never just us. If it's us, he'll be on his phone. It's like he can't have fun with me alone.

 

If I get too sad, or break down and cry, he just goes away until I'm over it or until I beg him to come. Even then, he is cold and distant.

 

This may be silly, but also adds up: I'm MIA from his Facebook. No pictures of me or me and the kids. Only kids and him. Not long ago, we all went to Thailand and all he posted was a check-in at the airport saying "ah it's nice to get away from singapore", making it sound like he was alone.

He won't take a single picture of me, but if he goes alone on a trip or hike, he will. And he'll post them. He does like every picture he sees, except mine of course.

 

At this point, some days I wish I could leave. I've been trying really hard for too long, wrongfully? thinking I could fix this. When we have "good" times, they are fantastic. But I don't feel equal in the relationship anymore. I'm in the back burner.

 

He is an amazing dad and, I'll say it again, he's really nice and even affectionate with me at home. But I don't feel loved and I'm really sad. I can't go all the way to the other side of the world and take the kids. I don't want to do that, I want to fix this. I really do. I love him and our family. But I have no idea of what to do at this point... He refuses to acknowledge there is a problem. He says everything is fine. I told him all I wrote here and he acts like I'm crazy...

Edited March 10, 2016 by Haider23

[Dolfin80]

Have you been to Istanbul? It's full of Muslim women that wear burquers. I don't think your hubby would be interested in them?

 

But you guys might be Muslim too.

[Haider23]

Have you been to Istanbul? It's full of Muslim women that wear burquers. I don't think your hubby would be interested in them?

 

But you guys might be Muslim too.

 

We're not muslims. And I don't really think he goes there to cheat, although not all women in Istanbul wear burkas. There are lots of attractive women dressed normally by western standards.

 

I think the problem is something bigger, like stated above...

[Dolfin80]

We're not muslims. And I don't really think he goes there to cheat, although not all women in Istanbul wear burkas. There are lots of attractive women dressed normally by western standards.

 

I think the problem is something bigger, like stated above...

 

Hummm I didn't see any westerners in istanbul, I was followed everywhere cause I had my hair out - funny experience cause I for once was the exotic westerner being chased by local men.

[sandylee1]

Have you been to Istanbul? It's full of Muslim women that wear burquers. I don't think your hubby would be interested in them?

 

This is nonsense I'm sorry.

 

I've been to Turkey and not all women wear burkas.

[Dolfin80]

This is nonsense I'm sorry.

 

I've been to Turkey and not all women wear burkas.

 

Her hubby won't be cheating with those women, so no need for her to worry.

Edited March 10, 2016 by Dolfin80

[heartwhole]

I do agree that in a marriage it's not OK for one spouse to make unilateral decisions that affect both of them without considering the other person's feelings and talking about it.

 

I try to be careful not to view everyone else's situation through the lens of my own (I discovered 11 months ago that my husband was cheating on me) but your story resonated a lot with me, so I thought I'd share.

 

We've been together 17 years. We were always lovey-dovey, very affectionate verbally, would snuggle on the couch just to be close, etc. Whenever he was on a business trip, he'd call constantly, telling me how much he missed me and how hard it was to be away. He would make his Facebook profile picture our wedding photo on our anniversary. Looking back I see that he has always has self-asborbed tendencies, but they were acceptable as I am a low-maintenance person and my needs were being met.

 

Then little by little, these things stopped. He wouldn't call telling me he couldn't sleep without me on business trips; he'd tell me he was going to be out late so he could only talk at lunch time. He stopped sitting next to me at parties. For our 10th anniversary, he didn't post anything about it even though our friends were all posting on his wall about it. He didn't upload a single picture of me on FB during that time. We went to the Caribbean together, and he said that he didn't feel comfortable putting photos on Facebook letting people know we were away from our kids.

 

What did I do? It took a while for all the changes to sink in, obviously. But I carried on doing what I always do, which is think through my feelings and address the ones that need to be addressed. I asked him to put his arm around me at parties. I planned the trip to the Caribbean even though he was inexplicably angry and would only talk about trips he wanted to take without me when I first brought it up. I weaned off my SSRI to improve my libido and range of feelings. I noticed that he was liking all the photos of someone he had never mentioned on FB after I saw a text from this unknown name. So I immediately asked if I should be concerned. I noticed that we had been distant but I thought things were getting better.

 

And that's when I discovered my husband had met a woman on one of his trips away with friends 5 months earlier. They had kept in touch, she told him she was falling in love with him, and then he arranged to have her meet him on a business trip (she lives 24 hours away by plane or else I'm sure they would have met up more). So THAT'S why there were no photos of me on Facebook. THAT'S why he didn't call saying he loved and missed me any more.

 

Of course, there's the classic question, which came first, the distance or the affair? I'm sure the affair had an opportunity to germinate because we were distant. I will forever be disappointed in my husband that he didn't reach out to me bridge the gap and just got a secret girlfriend instead.

 

What I've learned from all of this is that he has serious character flaws that need to be addressed. Sure, we need better boundaries and communication, but the lack of them didn't cause me to cheat or check out of our marriage. He made those choices because he puts himself first. He takes me for granted. He doesn't think to ask me when there's something he wants to do that affects me.

 

I didn't want to be that controlling wife either. That's why I let him go on multiple guys' trips a year, some of them 7 or 9 days long. That's why I was fine with him spending 20 hours a week on his hobbies and social life even though I have a chronic health condition that limits my functioning and frankly makes it impossible for me to enjoy daily life. But it was never enough. He always wanted more. So he started working out in the mornings with a group. Then he started going 5 mornings a week. Then he started going out for coffee afterwards. This was his passive aggressive way of getting back at me because he had asked me to wake up earlier to help with the kids but i had started sleeping in later again. Funny because how many times have I asked him to make a change that he didn't make and then I let it go? And why was I sleeping in again? Because I suffer from extreme exhaustion. Even if I get 10 hours of sleep a night, that's not enough. But instead of feeling compassion for my condition and addressing his feelings about always doing wake-up time (which he chose to do because he's a morning person), he just disregarded me and acted unilaterally.

 

I've changed my perspective. It's not all his time and then I step in if I'm being totally forgotten in the mix. It's all OUR time. Our family's time. If the kids get invited to a party when he's off work, it's BOTH of our responsibilities to handle it. We're both their parents. I'm a SAHM too so I understand how he would just leave you with all of that, but family time is family time for everyone. It's not OK for him to just decide when he'll work out and leave me to figure it out because he's not in bed and the kids are crawling on me. It affects me and I need to know how long I'll be able to sleep. Yes, he does have to clear it with me. He always acted like that was so controlling of me to ask but it's not. And if he doesn't like it, then fine, he cheated on me, he can leave. I don't have to forgive him. The only thing I won't be doing for sure is accepting any more of his taking me for granted.

 

Do I think your husband is cheating? No way to know. Hopefully not. Do I think you've grown apart and he's putting himself first and things are in a bad place? Yes. And you are stuck without a job in a foreign country. I would get your ducks in a row and then make a serious effort to address your problems. Hopefully he will wake up to the deal he's foisting on you and start putting his family before himself.

[elaine567]

,,, our relationship has declined over the past couple of years.

 

He just seems to care a little bit less every day.

 

He used to call me a few times per day when flying. Now, even if he's on a layover, he won't. Whatsapp is all we do unless I ask him if he wants to skype or try WA call.

 

There are no special occasion gifts or dates, because "we don't need to spend money on that kind of stuff, do we?"

 

I had to get my gallbladder out a few months ago, and he only came to visit me at the hospital for about 40 minutes because I begged and guilt tripped him into it. He came with his buddy. After they left, they went for a drink and screw around for an hour before they went home.

 

There are no "I love yous", no more hugs from behind, no sweet text messages. It's been years since he last sent me a text saying "I miss you" or anything similar. When he goes to a cool place he never says "wish you could be here to see this"... No, he is just having a good time. All these things used to happen, many years ago and in a galaxy far away. I see one thing go each day, and it hurts. He doesn't seem to notice.

 

 

We do have a babysitter, but we never really go out on dates. It's expensive to go dine out here, and really going out usually ends with him bitching at how much the bill was. I am always the one asking him if he wants to do something. Also, 99% of the times we go out, he'll call one of his buddies to join us. It's never just us. If it's us, he'll be on his phone. It's like he can't have fun with me alone.

 

If I get too sad, or break down and cry, he just goes away until I'm over it or until I beg him to come. Even then, he is cold and distant.

This may be silly, but also adds up:

I'm MIA from his Facebook.

No pictures of me or me and the kids. Only kids and him. Not long ago, we all went to Thailand and all he posted was a check-in at the airport saying "ah it's nice to get away from singapore", making it sound like he was alone.

He won't take a single picture of me, but if he goes alone on a trip or hike, he will. And he'll post them. He does like every picture he sees, except mine of course.

 

At this point, some days I wish I could leave. I've been trying really hard for too long, wrongfully? thinking I could fix this. When we have "good" times, they are fantastic. But I don't feel equal in the relationship anymore. I'm in the back burner.

 

He is an amazing dad and, I'll say it again, he's really nice and even affectionate with me at home. But I don't feel loved and I'm really sad. I can't go all the way to the other side of the world and take the kids. I don't want to do that, I want to fix this. I really do. I love him and our family. But I have no idea of what to do at this point... He refuses to acknowledge there is a problem. He says everything is fine. I told him all I wrote here and he acts like I'm crazy...

 

He may or not be cheating, but you certainly cannot say by the way he is acting here, he definitely isn't.

Is there any reason why he is excluding you, have YOU cheated on him in the past?

[Dolfin80]

I've had lots of relationships with men in my time and they usually behave like this when they want out of the relationship. They want to be single. Men don't seem to be able to say to your face 'I want out of this relationship', they just start behaving like a single man again.

 

This happens to a lot of people. They get married, have kids then realise they don't like it and want to be single.