Lying to get what you want.

[Haider23]

Heartwhole, thanks for taking the time to share your story. We do have many things in common, as I approached this issue a lot like you.

 

Elaine no, I've never cheated on him (and not for lacking opportunity). I've never given him a reason to be suspicious at all either.

 

I don't think he wants to leave or be single. He is very comfortable where he is, which doesn't mean he loves me or things aren't deteriorating. I looked at the issue of lying to get the trip like a problem in itself, but then, looking at the big picture, the lying was just a part of the problem. It just served as a wake up call for me to stop justifying things and to start assessing the situation for what it is.

 

I am just not sure of what to do. I'm always sad and it's hard to be fighting feelings and tears to be there for the kids. I have no one to talk to. Family is too far and they have their fair share of problems. I don't have really close friends here either....

[sandylee1]

Have you tried talking to him about these issues? All those things Elaine put in bold and explain how it makes you feel.

Perhaps you could write him a letter saying this if talking is difficult... and say that you'd like to improve things and get back to how it was before... when he would call you and share with you.

 

You must let him know the impact of his actions on you and I appreciate it's expensive to go out, but if you don't invest in date nights or spending quality time together. ... things are likely to deteriorate possibly to the point of no return.

 

In the meanwhile you should try and make friends there.... tap into the expat community and meet other wives there. Never let your husband be your only source of happiness.

 

Most of all please communicate your feelings and don't let it come across that you don't want him having friends.. it's just getting the right balance.

[Haider23]

Have you tried talking to him about these issues? All those things Elaine put in bold and explain how it makes you feel.

Perhaps you could write him a letter saying this if talking is difficult... and say that you'd like to improve things and get back to how it was before... when he would call you and share with you.

 

You must let him know the impact of his actions on you and I appreciate it's expensive to go out, but if you don't invest in date nights or spending quality time together. ... things are likely to deteriorate possibly to the point of no return.

 

In the meanwhile you should try and make friends there.... tap into the expat community and meet other wives there. Never let your husband be your only source of happiness.

 

Most of all please communicate your feelings and don't let it come across that you don't want him having friends.. it's just getting the right balance.

 

 

Yes, I have. It gets me nowhere. He says he's happy, that it's all in my head, that he doesn't want to leave or change a thing. He says he's just not that super romantic guy. If I cry, he gets extremely annoyed and defensive. I tell him I am not happy and I feel taken for granted. I also said I'd probably leave if it wasn't for the kids. He rolled his eyes saying "ahhh threats!"

 

He knows I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not threatening, but stating that things are not OK. If he said that to me, I'd be listening and working hard to change things. Many guys complain that "After 20 years, my wife left me and I had no idea things were bad! I wish I had known! Why didn't she say she wasn't happy? bla bla blaah!" I'm trying to avoid exactly that. But he is one step further away every day....

 

Maybe he does love me but he has gotten lazy? I really don't know what the hell to think at this point.

 

I want to turn the tables. I wish I knew how.

Edited March 11, 2016 by Haider23

[elaine567]

Elaine no, I've never cheated on him (and not for lacking opportunity). I've never given him a reason to be suspicious at all either.

I just wondered as he seems to have checked out of your marriage emotionally, and sometimes that is an effect of a catastrophic event like the wife cheating.

So here he has no reason to shut you out, but is doing so all the same.

 

I think you need to seek marriage guidance counselling here, if he will not address your concerns and it doesn't seem like he is doing that.

He is getting what he wants from this marriage, so he has no reason to want to leave or change anything. I guess those who are stumped when the wife up and leaves, never listened to her, when she said things were tough for her...

 

Never say stuff like "I am leaving" if you do not really mean it and are not prepared to carry it through.

It is like the boy crying, "Wolf" and gets the response that you got, that is, the eye roll. It puts you in a weak position and he can just then ignore your concerns, as he knows you are not going to leave anyway.

 

In the meantime, sandylee1 is right, you HAVE to get out and make some friends of your own.

[TaraMaiden2]

Stop making empty threats, and put your money where your mouth is.

 

Leave.

 

You probably have flying concessions, and you can probably obtain cheaper flights because of his job.

Leave.

Sit down, work out a feasible plan of where to go - and go.

 

Work out some contingency to make you and your kids safe, then act.

Do something for yourself.

Otherwise he will always be rolling his eyes and declaring you're making threats.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

[Haider23]

Stop making empty threats, and put your money where your mouth is.

 

Leave.

 

You probably have flying concessions, and you can probably obtain cheaper flights because of his job.

Leave.

Sit down, work out a feasible plan of where to go - and go.

 

Work out some contingency to make you and your kids safe, then act.

Do something for yourself.

Otherwise he will always be rolling his eyes and declaring you're making threats.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

When I say "If it weren't for the kids, I would leave" I am not making threats. I'm not saying "If you don't change, I'm leaving."

 

I'm saying I'm not happy with the way things are. But I'm not taking the kids away and destroying the family when I believe this can be fixed. I just don't know how. I'm just being honest. I don't believe in "fake till you make it"

 

I don't want to leave. I want things to work out. But not sure what to do. He refuses to address the issue. I tried giving him more space, also tried communicating directly.

 

I asked him if there's anything I could change. He says NOTHING!

 

I'm starting to think I should reverse tactics and start ignoring him.. Sh#t I don't know

[elaine567]

When I say "If it weren't for the kids, I would leave" I am not making threats. I'm not saying "If you don't change, I'm leaving."

 

I'm saying I'm not happy with the way things are. But I'm not taking the kids away and destroying the family when I believe this can be fixed. I just don't know how. I'm just being honest. I don't believe in "fake till you make it"

 

I don't want to leave. I want things to work out. But not sure what to do. He refuses to address the issue. I tried giving him more space, also tried communicating directly.

 

I asked him if there's anything I could change. He says NOTHING!

 

I'm starting to think I should reverse tactics and start ignoring him.. Sh#t I don't know

 

Note how YOU are trying different tactics, yet he does nothing.

HE is happy how things are, he is getting his need for a family and a secure base met here and you no longer appear to be his primary concern.

Leaving may shock him into action, or he may be relieved, difficult to say, but unless he is willing to put some work into your marriage via counselling or just talking about it seriously with you, then I can see no other option if you want a happy life.

[TaraMaiden2]

When I say "If it weren't for the kids, I would leave" I am not making threats. I'm not saying "If you don't change, I'm leaving."

Why not? it's exactly what you SHOULD be saying.

 

I'm saying I'm not happy with the way things are. But I'm not taking the kids away and destroying the family when I believe this can be fixed.

Why do people always think of this as destruction? Why don't you think of it as 'restructuring'...? It's a very well-known adage: better kids with 2 happy parents than having to witness 1 unhappy marriage.

And it IS an unhappy marriage, because you are patently, obviously unhappy with the way things are.

I just don't know how. I'm just being honest. I don't believe in "fake till you make it"

Nobody's asking yo to fake it. We are suggesting you quit being so passive about it.

Because "He who cares the least, controls the most". He obviously cares a lot less about this situation than you do. To you, it's a crisis. To him, you're an irritation.

 

I don't want to leave. I want things to work out. But not sure what to do.

You're not getting this. YOU - can do absolutely nothing. Not on your own. This is a marriage. A partnership. It takes 2 to tango, but 50% can't take on 100%. It can't happen.

You can't sit on the cart-horse and 'giddy-yap!" if the horse isn't harnessed in - can you?

 

He refuses to address the issue. I tried giving him more space, also tried communicating directly.

And there's your answer. You my dear - are fighting a losing battle with no troops for backing.

 

I asked him if there's anything I could change. He says NOTHING!

And he told you that because it's the truth. There's nothing YOU can do - and there's nothing he wants to do. So, unless you make a move, you are stuck in a dry creek without a paddle. A total impasse.

 

I'm starting to think I should reverse tactics and start ignoring him.. Sh#t I don't know

Ignoring him would suit him fine.

It would get you off his back, and he could get on with whatever he is doing already. Which is turning a blind eye to everything, because it works for him.

 

You need to do something.

[Haider23]

Note how YOU are trying different tactics, yet he does nothing.

HE is happy how things are, he is getting his need for a family and a secure base met here and you no longer appear to be his primary concern.

Leaving may shock him into action, or he may be relieved, difficult to say, but unless he is willing to put some work into your marriage via counselling or just talking about it seriously with you, then I can see no other option if you want a happy life.

 

My parents got divorced when I was young. The suffering their separation brought upon my siblings and I was immense, and it took us many years to get over the mess. I want to spare my kids from that crap. Ultimately, their happiness comes before mine. They are happy and love their dad. He is amazing with them.

 

I really want a better way. There's gotta be a better way.

 

I thought counseling, but he won't go.

[heartwhole]

I can relate. I'm not one to play games. When something bothers me, I tell my husband. It wouldn't feel natural to me to ignore him just to make a point. Just because I am unhappy doesn't mean I'm going to stop following the Golden Rule or upholding my end of the bargain.

 

So when I did realize we were distant, I made practical changes, like smelling his armpit to rebond (I really did that!), prioritizing spending time together, etc. I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he acted so oddly because it never occurred to me he could be cheating. I made a conscious decision not to be bitter and to keep trying to connect. Goodie for me, right?

 

But I'm glad that I did. The dope actually said, "It's been so fun being married to you recently" when I found out about the affair. He noticed a difference. I think if I had reacted by pulling away like he was doing, then we would have been too far apart to come back together once the truth came out.

 

As he got further and further enmeshed in the affair, he began to believe that I didn't want to be married to him anymore. He didn't want to believe that he was just some selfish a-hole doing the unthinkable. So he magnified every fault or misdeed of mine. He wasn't going to be "that guy" who left his poor, unsuspecting wife for his mistress. So he was subconsciously (or maybe consciously) trying to get me to be the bad guy. But that's now how I operate. I don't retaliate. I continued on in good faith.

 

All that said, your husband's recent change in behavior is a huge red flag. Even if he's not cheating or hiding some other undesirable habit like gambling or drugs, he's obviously checked out.

 

The only course you can take is to be healthy and work on yourself. You should make sure you have support and interests outside of the marriage. Eventually, if your husband doesn't change, you may come to a crossroads. You may be there already. You don't have to stay in a marriage with someone who is checked out. If you choose to stay no matter what for the kids, then you have to accept that you can't force him to change. You can work on yourself, and he might be inspired by the good will and good vibes coming from you. You might start a virtuous cycle. But it may be that he is simply unwilling, in which case you need to find a way to be happy within the confines of a marriage to a man who is unresponsive to your needs.

[TaraMaiden2]

My parents got divorced when I was young. The suffering their separation brought upon my siblings and I was immense, and it took us many years to get over the mess. I want to spare my kids from that crap. Ultimately, their happiness comes before mine. They are happy and love their dad. He is amazing with them.

 

I really want a better way. There's gotta be a better way.

Of course there is. But...

 

I thought counseling, but he won't go.

Try going to a tennis court, and playing a three-set game - on your own.

Try playing baseball - on your own.

Try playing a game of "tag - you're it!" - on your own.

 

Doesn't work, does it?

Bitter disappointment and you fail at the first attempt.

 

Are you getting this yet?

 

And comparing your current situation to that when you were younger, is pointless.

The two situations are completely different.

That was then.

(What did your parents do to cushion you guys from the blow of their divorce? How did you feel about both of them?)

This is now.

 

You have a different husband to the one your mother had, and your children aren't you.

Stop letting fear preventing you from doing what is right.

Right things are not always pleasant or easy.

But that doesn't make them wrong.

Edited March 11, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[Haider23]

Of course there is. But...

 

 

Try going to a tennis court, and playing a three-set game - on your own.

Try playing baseball - on your own.

Try playing a game of "tag - you're it!" - on your own.

 

Doesn't work, does it?

Bitter disappointment and you fail at the first attempt.

 

Are you getting this yet?

 

And comparing your current situation to that when you were younger, is pointless.

The two situations are completely different.

That was then.

(What did your parents do to cushion you guys from the blow of their divorce? How did you feel about both of them?)

This is now.

 

You have a different husband to the one your mother had, and your children aren't you.

Stop letting fear preventing you from doing what is right.

Right things are not always pleasant or easy.

But that doesn't make them wrong.

 

I DO NOT want to divorce. For the kids, and for ME. I can't just give up and throw everything out because we got distant. I want my husband back. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking things can change. The kids are very young, we are in a different country, we moved recently to a new place. Maybe we need to settle for a while. I'll focus on the present day. One day at a time... I obviously don't know what to do because I've never been in a rut like this before, and that's why I came seeking advice from strangers. But divorce will be my absolute last resort. I love my husband and I don't want to lose my family. I just want him back.

 

Maybe you're right and I'm stubborn and crazy. But I'm not giving up yet.

[TaraMaiden2]

I DO NOT want to divorce. For the kids, and for ME.

THis isn't about what YOU want, or think is best, because in the situation you're in right now, you're desperately trying to hold everything together with no support or agreement from him.

What you want, may not be what you need.

 

I can't just give up and throw everything out because we got distant.

You're not giving up for that reason. But look at his behaviour, his attitude. Does he respect you? Does he communicate with you?

 

The 3 stalwart, strong qualities required - vital - to any relationship, and non-negotiable in their condition - are

 

Respect

Communication

Trust.

 

If one of those is even bent or distorted, let alone broken, there isn't a bat in Hell's chance of the other two being able to compensate for the shortfall of the damaged third. It ALL comes tumbling down. He doesn't speak to you or respect you.

 

This is an Epic Fail, right there.

 

I want my husband back.

Well tough luck lady. He's not coming back. And he's doing whatever he wants, and on his terms, too.

 

Maybe I'm crazy for thinking things can change.

You wouldn't be crazy for wishing it. But yes. As things stand, right now? I hate to agree with you, but it IS foolish to think that way. Yes.

 

The kids are very young, we are in a different country, we moved recently to a new place. Maybe we need to settle for a while. I'll focus on the present day.

Wherever you go, there you are.

As the song goes, you always take the weather with you. Location is of absolutely no consequence. You can be just as broken in Brazil, as you'd be devastated in Denmark.

 

One day at a time... I obviously don't know what to do because I've never been in a rut like this before, and that's why I came seeking advice from strangers.

There's a difference between 'seeking' and 'taking' and right now, where whistling in a gale....

 

But divorce will be my absolute last resort.

I hate to point this out to you, but Divorce is everybody's 'last resort'...

 

I love my husband and I don't want to lose my family. I just want him back.

Well, unless you can make him see he needs to come back, then all you'll ever have is a shadow of your former self, as you slowly implode...

 

Maybe you're right and I'm stubborn and crazy. But I'm not giving up yet.

Ok. Keep pushing on the door marked 'Pull'. It has a brick wall behind it anyway.

Your H put that up, by the way....

[ChickiePops]

Next time he's on a break from work, why don't you leave the kids with him and take your own vacation? Go visit your friends and family or something. You deserve a break too.

 

Then he can see how it feels to be stuck at home without anyone to talk to and maybe he can dredge up some empathy and understanding for you. It sounds like you need a break anyway.

[Haider23]

Next time he's on a break from work, why don't you leave the kids with him and take your own vacation? Go visit your friends and family or something. You deserve a break too.

 

Then he can see how it feels to be stuck at home without anyone to talk to and maybe he can dredge up some empathy and understanding for you. It sounds like you need a break anyway.

 

I actually thought about this. It's a good idea. I need some distance. It could be good for both of us.

[sandylee1]

Yes, I have. It gets me nowhere. He says he's happy, that it's all in my head, that he doesn't want to leave or change a thing. He says he's just not that super romantic guy. If I cry, he gets extremely annoyed and defensive. I tell him I am not happy and I feel taken for granted. I also said I'd probably leave if it wasn't for the kids. He rolled his eyes saying "ahhh threats!"

 

He knows I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not threatening, but stating that things are not OK. If he said that to me, I'd be listening and working hard to change things. Many guys complain that "After 20 years, my wife left me and I had no idea things were bad! I wish I had known! Why didn't she say she wasn't happy? bla bla blaah!" I'm trying to avoid exactly that. But he is one step further away every day....

 

Maybe he does love me but he has gotten lazy? I really don't know what the hell to think at this point.

 

I want to turn the tables. I wish I knew how.

 

So because he's happy that's all that matters then?

When did it start that your feelings mean nothing.

 

I see a few stories where this happens....and the wife eventually checks out of the relationship and leaves the marriage or has an affair.

 

Only you can decide when enough is enough.

 

The fact is you've told him you'd leave if it weren't for the kids... so he knows no matter how he behaves that you aren't going anywhere. Why then will he try to improve things?

 

If my husband told me he wasn't happy... I'd try and address the issues... I'd do it because I care and because I love him.

 

Why would your husband not care about your feelings ?

Are your kids in school yet?

 

I had a situation I wasn't happy with concerning my husband..... .he didn't want to do what I was asking. I just said ok. Fine... but explained that I was going to be detaching from him emotionally as a result...and I soon would not care about anything. I'd be bodily present. He eventually saw sense.

 

The fact is that doing nothing will get you nowhere.. you need to DO SOMETHING.

[minimariah]

Yes, I have. It gets me nowhere. He says he's happy, that it's all in my head, that he doesn't want to leave or change a thing. He says he's just not that super romantic guy. If I cry, he gets extremely annoyed and defensive. I tell him I am not happy and I feel taken for granted. I also said I'd probably leave if it wasn't for the kids. He rolled his eyes saying "ahhh threats!"

 

at this point -- i don't think it matters if he's cheating or not; he is on his way out of that marriage, emotionally.

 

you TRIED fixing it up - it didn't work. he's apparently affectionate at home & the sex is awesome but that seems to be the ONLY thing that works in that marriage; it's as if he gives you those great moments to shut you up.

 

i'd advise you to protect yourself. focus on yourself and your kids and your mental and emotionally recovery and try to prepare for the worst case scenario. good luck.

[elaine567]

i'd advise you to protect yourself. focus on yourself and your kids and your mental and emotionally recovery and try to prepare for the worst case scenario. good luck.

 

Yes, and make sure you you your financial ducks in a row here.

When I was writing this, it suddenly came to me.

Pilots usually make a pretty good salary so why is he getting all upset about the cost of eating out?

I would get a handle on your finances, his credit cards, your bank accounts, investments, mortgages etc. Gambling or spending money on another woman, may explain his touchiness on that subject and his checking out of the marriage too.