I've fallen (for my FWB) and I can't get up!

[BlueShift]

Help, I've fallen (for my FWB) and I can't get up!

 

Never thought I'd be in this predicament, but yesterday I realized that I'm in love with my friend (with benefits) and I'm now totally miserable. I guess it crept up on me, but now I have to confront this and try to find a way to get over it. Talking about these things usually helps, right? Well, there's no-one I can talk about this with in real life, so I turn to the fine folks here!

 

I'm a refugee from a passion-less, rommate-like marriage and so I wasn't looking for a deep relationship. I've had a FWB-type arrangement before, had a good time and we both moved on with fond farewells. I had come to feel that I was certainly able to enjoy sex without romantic feelings or love, although if I were in love then sex would be integral to the relationship. Sort of a one-way linkage between sex and love. But I also had found that the (very) few one-time hookups I had weren't satisfying to me. I was looking for a long-term no-strings, friends with benefits situation where the 'friends' and 'benefits' were of fairly equal importance.

 

I'm a 41 year old guy and I met a sweet woman almost 10 years younger. We started chatting, a mutual attraction became obvious, and then one day we ended up in bed together. It was fantastic, everything I felt like I'd been missing out on for years! We get along very well, always have a good time when we're together even out of bed, and make each other laugh. We've always been affectionate with each other; kissing, hugging and cuddling were always part of it. But we never got too 'deep', never said the L-word or anything like that, never got each other romantic-type gifts. Towards the beginning we even talked about how hard dating can be and our various prospects. We've both had our relationship woes, and so we comisserated over those topics as well as just talking about whatever came to mind. We were having a lot of fun and it seemed to be just what we were each looking for.

 

I knew from the outset that she was planning to move back to her home state later this year, and I was totally fine with that. I mean, it made me sad to think about her leaving, but it wasn't anything devastating. She told me that not being able to see me anymore would make it hard to move for her too. I asked her if she would come to visit her family that lives in my area, suggesting that we would at least be able to see each other again at some point in the future. She replied that she would definitely be visiting and it would be great to meet up, but with a sort of sad smile she told me, "But it wouldn't be often enough." So there we were, both knowing that our time would be limited, and a bit sad about it but basically ok.

 

So it snuck up on me. Things were going along in the same way, us having fun with each other and not really talking about the future or the past. I had started to feel like there was something more growing between us (yes, I expect the obvious joke downthread. . .), but denial runs deep. I thought it was just deepening friendship, or maybe a bit of infatuation due to the incredible sex. Based on the things she had been saying, I thought she felt the same thing too. But then yesterday, we were lying in bed together and chatting post-afterglow, and she said something that sort-of definitively ruled-out her having deeper romantic feelings for me. She didn't say it to be hurtful, I'm sure. I can't even decide if she was doing that thing were you realize someone is into you and you just pretend you didn't notice so that you can let them down easy. You know the thing I'm talking about, there should be a shorter term for that. . . Anyway, I don't think she was even doing that thing. She simply doesn't see me as more than a good friend, who also happens to be good in bed with her. The crazy thing is that I didn't conciously realize that I felt more than that until the point where I knew that she didn't!

 

It came crashing down on me, and I pretended that I had to get going to take care of an errand. We shared a brief hug and quick kiss, and then said goodbye. She probably noticed somethign was wrong with me because my face felt hot and I was actually shaking a little bit. I have one of those wrist-band fitness trackers and my pulse-rate spiked up to almost 100 bpm. I hardly slept all night, and I barely feel any better today. I have such a strange mix of emotions: sadness, jealousy, self-directed disgust, etc. I can't believe that I let myself get in so over my head, and that this threw me for such a loop.

 

I won't see her for about a week since she's out of town, but we had made plans to get together as soon as she got back. Now I don't know what to do. Part of me (the rational part) thinks I should just meet her for coffee and say a nice goodbye, wishing her the best. Part of me is dwelling on how, if past performance predicts future behavior, it will be a long, long time before I meet someone I click with so well in or out of bed. Part of me thinks I should just push it all down and enjoy my time with her as long as I can. I mean I know what I need to do, I'm just fighting it. The longer I put it off, the more I'm hurting myself and the more likely I'll end up making her feel bad too. I know her well enough to know that she would feel guilty for hurting me even though it's not her fault.

 

I have no idea how to handle this. I feel like if I just tell her goodbye without an explanation, that would be hurtful to her. She does have some real self-esteem issues, so I would not want to leave her with the impression that I was calling it off due to anything 'wrong' with her. If anything, it's because she's too attractive to me, in a sense. On the other hand I think I would feel like an idiot telling her the real reason, and she may have that figured out anyway at this point. So, what do I say to her?

 

Thanks for reading this wall-o-text. I would truly appreciate advice, sympathy, other similar stories, etc. Please keep dick jokes to a minimum, thanks.

[SoleMate]

Sorry to hear about this. I see two possible paths:

 

1) Hopeless Romantic. Do the movie thing and commit yourself to changing her mind by overcoming (in a gentlemanly way of course) whatever barriers or mental blocks or practical realities are preventing her from loving you. There is a non-zero chance of success in the end, but based on what you've said, I'd put it at 10-20% max. Still, nothing venture, nothing gained, etc. Also, keep in mind you've not even taken the baby step of verbalizing your feelings, so clearly, you've not yet begun to try to win her heart. It does seem premature to declare defeat before your first try.

 

2) Stern Realist. Assuming that a painful breakup is inevitable, one would counsel breaking things off ASAP, any which way, then going NC. To do with with full consideration for her feelings would require telling her the real reason. Bowing out wordlessly would be cruel, especially to someone you love (love means always avoiding cruelty). So again, you still have to tell her.

 

The declaration of love doesn't need to be anything dramatic. Content is the key, not the format or delivery. I'd keep it as simple as possible, but also clear. Good luck! One who loves is one who suffers.....

 

(P.S. "Dick jokes"?????)

[BlueShift]

Thank you for replying.

 

It does seem clear to me now that I will have to tell her how I feel. It is very important to me not to be hurtful to her. We both have some relationship and sexual self-esteem issues, and I think overall we have helped each other with those things quite a bit. Whatever happens, I don't want to undo that by allowing her to assume that I'm moving on because I'm unsatisfied or that I found someone more appealing.

 

I put the "Hopeless Romantic" odds at very low though, due partly to her planned move out of state later this year. Based on her reasons for moving, the likelihood of changing her mind seems very, very small. Still, as you said, maybe it's premature to declare total defeat.

 

My thoughts right now are that I should tell her that I think we may need to stop seeing each other because I believe I'm falling for her. That it will be too hard for me to continue a purely FWB relationship with her and I'm afraid it will soon become hurtful to myself or both of us. That if she wants something more for us, I'm open to it. If not, then although I will miss her very much, we need to go our separate ways.

 

How does that sound? That leaves the door open for her, if she wants to step through anyway. I realize that I've actually never been in a position before where I was telling someone I loved them and wasn't 99% sure they loved me too. The emotional vulnerability is frightening!

 

P.S. Re: Dick Jokes - After I realized how "something growing between us" sounded, I anticipated at least one obvious joke about what that something might be. . . Maybe I just need a little levity, no matter how juvenile!

[genever]

I would tell her you have feelings for her, but just leave it at that before jumping into breaking things off, etc. Since she has a little more time here, you both have some time to figure things out once you've declared your feelings, rather than just including it all in one statement from the get-go. People generally do not respond well to ultimatums and you don't want her to feel that you are only in it for romance and don't appreciate her friendship. After you've stated your feelings, talk about where both of you want things to go, and then you can decide what is best for you both, but I would definitely think to include her in your course of action. Good luck!

[BlueShift]

Hmm, interesting. I hadn't thought that I might be coming across as issuing an ultimatum. That's certainly not my intent, I was thinking about just being very upfront. But I can see that point of view. I'll keep it simple and just explain my feelings rather than trying to dictate how things will happen. I guess I'm just very pessimistic about how she'll react, so I can't help but to assume that the painful break is inevitable.

That's another interesting point about being in it only for the romance... of course I do appreciate her friendship, but the reality for me is that I really can't continue a close friendship under these circumstances. It's just too painful, and it would strain the friendship anyway. I wouldn't be a jerk to her, but I would have to distance myself.

In the OP, I said she would be away. It's actually a couple of weeks, so I have plenty of time to stew about this before I can talk to her about it. This is definitely an in-person conversation! I wish I could just get it over with, whatever the outcome.