Dumped 3 times

[mightycpa]

Her depression is NOT your fault. You can't make somebody depressed. It's not like the flu. You didn't give her germs.

 

 

I have suffered with depression for a lifetime & the last 4 years have been bad. Not once did I break up with my husband or my previous BFs because I was depressed. I did withdrawn into myself & be hard to get to go anything but I never pulled the nonsense your GF is pulling on you.

 

 

Just because she's depressed does not mean she gets to jerk you around.

Thank you. My thoughts exactly. Needed to be said.

 

OP, get over yourself. You couldn't cause someone else's depression if you wanted to. It's her, not you. Being middle aged, you should be old enough to know by now that you should immediately take steps to end this cycle of emotional drama. Don't act like you're some 17 year old boy who doesn't understand how this works. See the situation for what it is, and do what's best for you. You know, like a grown up.

 

And, yes, I know it might be very difficult. All the more reason to do it now.

[marky00]

I know I'll get shot down for saying this, but I don't think NC is always the right choice in all situations. If two people are 100% finished and both know it, then I get how NC helps you recover, although if you are that certain I don't know why you would contact them anyway. I get it if it's used because someone won't leave you alone, and you have made it clear it's over, or if you just want to move on and heal. But in cases where it hasn't been made 100% clear, or there is a chance, however slim, then surely you would want to test the water. I'm the type of person that needs to get stuff of my chest, and I wouldn't be happy if I hadn't tried, and didn't know conclusively. I'm not harbouring false hope, I think we are over, but I need to know 100%. I don't like the open ended wording used to dump me, even if it's common place in a lot of break ups. I need to be certain. So I'm sure I will contact her at some point, and see if anything has changed. She asked for time and space, so that's what I'm doing. I honestly don't expect to get back together, and am living my life that way, but not knowing for sure would eat me up.

 

I understand not wanting to build up another relationship, it's a scary proposition. You put so much work into it not to mention emotion, and end up crushed. I don't want to go through that again, and anyway, I still have feelings for my ex that aren't going away anytime soon unfortunately. Starting over with someone new doesn't excite me, it scares me. And, as nightwriter said, I have to be ready to leave the baggage behind to, and I'm nowhere near that yet.

 

DrMario, you say your Commodore 64 age eh? I was around at the time of arcade space invaders, the birth of gaming lol

 

11 mnths post BU and NC has been broken 5 or 6 times.

 

However.... I'm really starting to understand that being silent is actually your best move for many reasons.

 

Sure, once or twice make it clear the bridges haven't been burnt and then go NC.

 

There is a post by a girl who is upset that her ex bf who she dumped has blocked her 6 months later. She is concerned he has moved on and hates her and has even made her feel jealous. So, it proves the point that being strong and moving on is the only way to get a "real" reaction. When you do that.... she is finally forced to own all the feelings and to contend and evaluate them in her own space.

 

Don't worry about them moving on if you go NC, they had already moved on at the day of the BU.

[Wuku]

I have written lots of notes too, mostly on my iPad, but never sent them. I don't think it would make much difference to her, but it has helped me get stuff off my chest a bit.

I guess I'm lucky in one way, she doesn't use social media, and we don't have any mutual contacts who could let me know anything. I would imagine she is doing better than me though, and isn't spending much time thinking about me, as I am her. For all I know she could be with someone else, and that thought does bother me right now. We don't live far apart, but it might as well be the other side of the country for all the welcome I would probably receive. Having said that, she is planning on moving this year, and that will be at least several hours away. That scares me, it's like as long as she is close there may be a chance, but everything is off once we are to far apart. On the other hand, it may be what we both need, a fresh start and being able to move on.

 

As I've said before, I know I didn't "give" her depression, but I did contribute to her unhappiness. Depression can be caused by lots of different reasons, how can anyone say for sure I'm not the catalyst for it, or at least partly responsible? It's difficult not to accept some responsibility when you know you have made things worse than they needed to be, and when your blamed for their unhappiness. I don't see how accepting that is acting like a 17 year old, it's surely a "grown up" thing to do, to admit your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions. I would say it's childish not to. Wether I'm the actual cause of her depression doesn't matter, I have had a role to play in it. I agree I'm beating myself up about it and need to get over it.

 

I agree about them moving on already, it's always worse for the dumpee, the dumper has already come to terms with it and made their decision. I will go full NC, but I want to make sure there is nothing left to fight for first. I want a clean break, closure. Maybe I won't get that, but I'm not going to be hanging on a string anymore. I don't want to get any false reaction from her, or make her do anything. She is so messed up that I want to be sure she is sure she has made the right decision. It's seems, from some comments, that loving someone is seen as being a bit immature or some teenage ideal, but I do love her none the less, I know how I feel, and I wouldn't be posting to this forum or feeling so ***t if I didn't.

[mightycpa]

It's seems, from some comments, that loving someone is seen as being a bit immature or some teenage ideal, but I do love her none the less, I know how I feel, and I wouldn't be posting to this forum or feeling so ***t if I didn't.

No, frankly, I think maybe that's the self-pity talking. Loving someone is very grown up. But the three breakups in 5.5 years, and the inability to pull the plug and make a clean break of it? The idea that you can "fight" to make a relationship better, when clearly some things are fundamentally wrong? To believe that somebody is going to "see the light"? That's the teenage part.

 

Surely you're entitled to feel bad. I don't blame you. But see this for what it is. You wrote the words, we didn't. We just emotionlessly read what you wrote and translated it for you, based on the picture you painted. Never forget that. You have informed us. Now, we're just interpolating, and telling you what we think you told us.

 

So feel bad for a while, but try to act in your own best interest.

[WonderKid]

I never been in love before but I hate being treated negatively. I'm going NC as well. But what does help me with NC is getting out of the house. Even if it's just for a walk outside or even time at the library. Because when I am home my mind wanders and it ends up on her. And in a funny way, seeing other women out in public definitely helps. It reminds me of that "I'm free" type thing.

[Wuku]

I appreciate your comments and advice, thank you.

 

I must be missing something if fighting for a relationship is seen as "teenage". I think it's to easy for people to give up nowadays. And I certainly don't expect her to "see the light". I'm under no illusions about a reconciliation, I just want to be sure. But I think your saying I'm flogging a dead horse, and should just move on from a relationship that didn't work out and let it go, and shouldn't be putting up with the "drama" and destructive cycle of things. I agree to a certain extent. Maybe I'm just looking for forgiveness, I don't think it's going to come from her, and I find it difficult to forgive myself for my part in things. And your right, it's not easy to move on, I wouldn't be here if it was.

[Thistooshallpass21]

I appreciate your comments and advice, thank you.

 

I must be missing something if fighting for a relationship is seen as "teenage". I think it's to easy for people to give up nowadays. And I certainly don't expect her to "see the light". I'm under no illusions about a reconciliation, I just want to be sure. But I think your saying I'm flogging a dead horse, and should just move on from a relationship that didn't work out and let it go, and shouldn't be putting up with the "drama" and destructive cycle of things. I agree to a certain extent. Maybe I'm just looking for forgiveness, I don't think it's going to come from her, and I find it difficult to forgive myself for my part in things. And your right, it's not easy to move on, I wouldn't be here if it was.

 

Everything you just said here...100% feel you. In today's world people give up way too fast and mostly for the wrong reasons. Why not fight for something so beautiful and meaningful!

[WonderKid]

The people of LS will give you the hard advice and you'd think its hazeful. But it can be for your greater good. Trust me I'm not exactly in your same boat but know how you feel. She let you go 3 times. If you left a person 3 times, that just means you do not want to be with them.

 

In your case I'd really invest in getting her out of your aura. Its hard to remove something like this from your head, but you gotta start somewhere. And that somewhere is self-respecting yourself and distancing yourself from her. That's all I can think of. And I'm one to talk giving I'm somewhat going through the same scenario.

[Wuku]

I understand that people are cruel to be kind, so to speak, and that's fine by me. I appreciate the advice, however terse.

 

I wish I could get her out of my head! She is there constantly, and I bet she isn't wasting her time thinking about me at all. It's not difficult to distance myself from her, our paths don't really cross. Getting out does help, but some days you just can't find the motivation. It's going to be a long hard road, but I'm on it now, and there's not much I can do about it.

 

For the record, I haven't begged or pleaded with her at all, I've not even sent a message other than asking how she was, a couple of weeks ago. I'm just giving her the time and space she asked for, while trying to accept its probably completely over. It's still hard not to contact her though, and I know I will have to, we haven't even discussed getting each other's stuff back yet. Maybe when I do finally contact her, I'll get a solid answer from her.

[WonderKid]

I guess that mental part is the most toughest: the memories and moments. Can definitely mess with a person's head. I do think each day gets better without you knowing. The mord you go NC, the better you end up feeling.

[Thistooshallpass21]

I guess that mental part is the most toughest: the memories and moments. Can definitely mess with a person's head. I do think each day gets better without you knowing. The mord you go NC, the better you end up feeling.

 

Amen to that! It's so true, like I said earlier in the post, I'm in a similar situation as you broken up 3 times. The last time was for 4 months and each day got a little bit better. By the time she came rolling back around, I was over the break up. I wasn't over her as I will always love that woman, but I was doing so much better. Live your life a quarter mile at a time and each day just keep taking one more step! It gets better!

[WonderKid]

Amen to that! It's so true, like I said earlier in the post, I'm in a similar situation as you broken up 3 times. The last time was for 4 months and each day got a little bit better. By the time she came rolling back around, I was over the break up. I wasn't over her as I will always love that woman, but I was doing so much better. Live your life a quarter mile at a time and each day just keep taking one more step! It gets better!

 

 

That's also the thing, by the time they come back you are already sharp and more rational instead of an emotional wreck. So by that time you have a clear mind and you'll be able to defend yourself better.

[Wuku]

One step at a time, as they say. It's good to hear of people getting through this though.

Like you, I will probably always love this woman, we shared some of the best and worst times either of us had ever been through.

 

I won't hold my breath on her coming back lol. I think it'll take some time before I'm sharp again.

[Thistooshallpass21]

One step at a time, as they say. It's good to hear of people getting through this though.

Like you, I will probably always love this woman, we shared some of the best and worst times either of us had ever been through.

 

I won't hold my breath on her coming back lol. I think it'll take some time before I'm sharp again.

 

Absolutely, time heals all. If it makes you feel better I am around 2 weeks out of the third break up, so you're not alone. We are going to get through this together one day and one step at a time. We both know that we are worth more than the hand that we were dealt.

 

In the words of Rocky Balboa, "if you know what you are worth, then go out and get what you are worth"

[Wuku]

Lol, a good motto! If only I was that strong...

[Thistooshallpass21]

Lol, a good motto! If only I was that strong...

 

I'm with you man, but you know what times like these are when we need to find the strength, otherwise it will eat us alive

[DrMario]

I've given up on the idea of my ex coming back, saw my cousin yesterday for the first time in a long while, she gets "feelings" about things and she's rarely wrong, at least I've never known her to be, she told me "your not getting back with your ex and you won't hear from your sister for a long time, you'll hear from both again but not for a few months at least" honesty can be brutal at times but sometimes we all need to hear it so that we may push your eyes to see it.

[Wuku]

Well, you never know, maybe she will be wrong this time. Giving up on the idea of your ex coming back is probably better for you, it's the way I'm trying to look at things. The hope of them coming back doesn't bode well for healing and moving on. Maybe they will come back, maybe they won't, but we have to be totally ok with either scenario. As Ive seen mentioned on here several times, your aiming for indifference. Once you have got that sorted out, you will be in a better position for yourself and your future, and also to make a decision should they ever want to try again. I understand that, but it's still difficult to put into practice. Then again, it's only been 3 1/2 weeks since we split, and I guess time helps and heals.

[Nightwriter]

I saw a Youtube video called "Getting Back with an Ex? 10 Mistakes I Made that You Shouldn't". Now I saw some of her other videos and I don't agree with a lot of them, but this one hit me like it was my relationship in many ways. Not all her points I agree with and not all of them are relevant, but it was real. She has enough self-awareness of her mistakes which was amazing. I just hoped she had recognized his mistakes more too, which would have made it better. Regardless, that's the attitude and discussion we needed to have if we got back together with our exes.

[Wuku]

Interesting video by a smart woman. I doubt my ex would ever think like she does though, looking at herself rather than just looking at me would not go down well. I agree, as has been said before, that if we ever get back with the ex there's a long and difficult conversation to have, but it needs to be sorted before anything else happens. Just don't think I'll get to have it...

Edited January 17, 2016 by Wuku

[Wuku]

So, just burst into tears, real uncontrollable sobbing. I hadn't cried at all until now, then out of nowhere something sets me off. This sucks big time. A middle age man in floods of tears. Maybe it's because I know I really have to let her go. I miss her and love her, I keep trying to convince myself it's ok and I'll be alright, telling myself to toughen up. I try to look at the negative side to her, and am sometimes angry with her, but it's not enough to stop me wanting to be with her, loving her. Sometimes I wonder if love is worth all the pain. "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all" someone said. Not right now it's not!