NC. My take on it. Does it make them leave or come back.

[smile95]

Ok here is MY take on NC. Everyone seems to have a lot of questions and I still do too but I think I have NC understood now. There are a few things to remember when using NC that I have found.

 

Every man/woman is different. NC will do diff things to diff people. Each situation is unique. There is not a cookie cutter answer for all. At LS we offer our opinion, but it is up to you. this is your life.

 

If you use NC on someone you love, but they have left you, it is the best way to go about things. If you feel that they are "the one" then if they are, they will return to you one day. But, if they are not, this is the best way to get over it. The more contact you have with someone the more you have to worry about and think about.

 

NC has worked for me. Although in my sit he always calls after a while and wants me back. But that is a unique situation.

 

You have to follow your heart. If you believe that you are at the end of your rope, then go with NC. I am hearing about some contact and full contact. Do what you want, but do not worry about that person forgetting about you with NC, if anything, they will wonder what happ to you? If they are the one, they will not forget about you with NC, they will realize you are the one too and if it is meant to be, they will return. If they do forget about you, they were not "the one"

 

Just my thoughts........

[immizunderstood]

I totally agree with what you're saying. If there are mean't to be then they'll return.

[fundamental]

Finally a No Contact Thread that makes some sense!

[Tracey123]

I didn't really end it with my guy, just lost my patience with him and we had a huge fight. But I made it really clear about the things I wanted to happen in MY life and he wasn't stepping up to the plate for whatever reason..... Now it has been a month of NC but I sent him an "I'm Thinking of You" card and he called the day after responding......I get confused about this no contact thing because my boyfriend didn't end it, I did.

[smile95]

well he should be doing NC to you? If you ended it, why are you sending cards? I am lost? DO you still want him? Or do you want to move on?

[mazza32cott]

No contact is no contact. Ever!!! It takes a long time to get over someone. No contact now and maybe in a month is a contradiction. You don't get over someone in a month.

 

If you break up several times, you need to realise it is over, not working. You need to do the right thing for the both of you and move on which means no contact period!

 

Maz

[MadKurlz]

They always come back.

 

Wether its a month or year later, they always show right back up on my doorstep. Asking for forgiveness, and crying and all the bull that comes back with them.

 

I feel if its it meant to be then they will come back at the Right moment. If I have already moved on, im not gonna look back. But if Im still getting over, and havent moved on, and still think about taht person, then if they come back at that particular moment, then maybe, just maybe.

[miss-gonewest]

Originally posted by MadKurlz

They always come back.

 

Wether its a month or year later, they always show right back up on my doorstep. Asking for forgiveness, and crying and all the bull that comes back with them.

 

I feel if its it meant to be then they will come back at the Right moment. If I have already moved on, im not gonna look back. But if Im still getting over, and havent moved on, and still think about taht person, then if they come back at that particular moment, then maybe, just maybe.

 

 

Yup, this has happened to me too... but after reading on here that relationships are a GAME (that word sends shivers down my spine) I can imagine that the universe will conspire and the timing will never be right.

 

However, I am sure I have heard, somewhere, at some time, stories of people hooking up years later; remarrying; rekindling.... I guess ya just gotta have faith.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

Yup, this has happened to me too... but after reading on here that relationships are a GAME (that word sends shivers down my spine) I can imagine that the universe will conspire and the timing will never be right.

 

However, I am sure I have heard, somewhere, at some time, stories of people hooking up years later; remarrying; rekindling.... I guess ya just gotta have faith.

 

Hah. I wish this would happen to me but the only chance of that is for God to change her heart and so far it doesn't seem to be in His will. She needs an attitude adjustment that only God can give her.

 

For now, I am content and ready to start dating other women. It's been 2 months and I think it's high time I met someone new.

[miss-gonewest]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

For now, I am content and ready to start dating other women. It's been 2 months and I think it's high time I met someone new.

 

Confused, good for you! I have just been reading a lot of literature and it says that you should start dating - whether you want to or not!

 

I personally am scared stiff about doing so, but if nothing else it allegedly makes you more desirable in your ex's eyes, if she thinks someone else wants you.

 

For me, it would be as a distraction, to stop me obsessing over my lost one... because its all I seem to be doing at the moment! Natural I know, but honestly it does get rather exhausting!

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by fundamental

Finally a No Contact Thread that makes some sense!

 

Amen!!!!

 

I have never understood the hype over NC NC NC NC. Every relationship and situation is different.

I think that if two people REALLY truly love eachother then nothing will keep them apart. I also don't think real love throws the towel in without really working hard at the relationship.

 

Personally, after several months of (involuntary) NC with my ex, if he was to come back to me I would refuse. Not after the turmoil he has put me through the past 7 months. I could never forgive him for that.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by beth5201

Every man/woman is different. NC will do diff things to diff people. Each situation is unique. There is not a cookie cutter answer for all.

 

Exactly. In my case, they always seem to come back, but when I don't want them anymore.

 

 

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Hah. I wish this would happen to me but the only chance of that is for God to change her heart and so far it doesn't seem to be in His will. She needs an attitude adjustment that only God can give her.

 

For now, I am content and ready to start dating other women. It's been 2 months and I think it's high time I met someone new.

 

Go CIOC!

[Jadey]

Wow i really hope that my ex will come back to me too!I have a feeling he will give in and contact me eventually,whatever the reason behind it. Im glad you said that people dshouldnt worry about NC making people forget about you.Cos i am abit worried that my ex will nowthink im over him cos im doing NC but i guess if its meant to be he'll come back regardless of wether he thinks im over him or not.

 

IM personally doing NC for afew reaons. Ill be honest one the resoans is in hope he will miss me.One is pride, not doing all the running. And the other is to get over him easier and quicker. I dunno what the outcome will be but i believe that eventually NC will make me get over him. If it doesnt get him back. But its only been 8 days now

 

Good luck everyone! You can do it!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

Confused, good for you! I have just been reading a lot of literature and it says that you should start dating - whether you want to or not!

 

I personally am scared stiff about doing so, but if nothing else it allegedly makes you more desirable in your ex's eyes, if she thinks someone else wants you.

 

For me, it would be as a distraction, to stop me obsessing over my lost one... because its all I seem to be doing at the moment! Natural I know, but honestly it does get rather exhausting!

 

Thanks. Been out on a few dates. I know the ex is in a rebound relationship and I know she's not as happy as she is playing off. She wouldn't tell me "We don't know what we are" if she was happy. She also wouldn't be complimenting me left and right either.

 

She'll realize she made a mistake soon enough. Hopefully by then I'll be deeply in love with someone else and not give a d*mn!

[BrotherAaron]

Man, am I the only one that got the hint?

 

When you get dumped, the only choice that makes sense is to move on

 

Are they going to come back? Who cares? What have you got to lose from walking away? Maybe a couple of more years with a person who's going to get bored of you again for the same reasons. Somebody who owns you because you simply could not figure out how to live without them. Maybe I just did something right; maybe it's the fact that I'm in college, and I started dating again right away almost by accident. Perhaps it just clicked, and I'm lucky to suddenly feel so well adjusted. It doesn't matter.

 

Why do we, as people, want to beat a dead horse until we've poured every ounce of ourselves into the effort and finally collapse from exhaustion? No contact, some contact, full contact... whatever. The point of no contact is that you'll never forget about your ex if you don't keep giving yourself new material. Every time you talk to him or her you're giving the past a little tug, so it stays just close enough that you can't quite accept that it's over. Don't call your ex, start dating immediately, rediscover your friends, get new hobbies, update your wardrobe, get a slick haircut, go on that trip you always wanted. And don't do all of this because she or he is going to magically want you back. Do it because you could care less if you're wanted back or not. Go take a risk, step into the intimidating new world of being single with the same attitude that you stepped into the relationship - with optimism. Your dreams lie ahead. Knowing that, why would you think twice about looking back?

[miss-gonewest]

Damn that was good advice! I should print that out and stick it on my fridge...

 

Or give me your number and I'll call YOU everytime I feel like calling the ex!!! Just kidding, that was very well said. Thanks.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by BrotherAaron

Don't call your ex, start dating immediately, rediscover your friends, get new hobbies, update your wardrobe, get a slick haircut, go on that trip you always wanted. And don't do all of this because she or he is going to magically want you back. Do it because you could care less if you're wanted back or not. Go take a risk, step into the intimidating new world of being single with the same attitude that you stepped into the relationship - with optimism. Your dreams lie ahead. Knowing that, why would you think twice about looking back?

 

Too good to see it said just once

 

Although dating immediately should be optional - I just wasn't ready. But the rest of it should be mandatory

[dgiirl]

Do it because you could care less if you're wanted back or not.

 

Agreed... That was excellent to read first thing in the morning. Thanks BA

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by BrotherAaron

Man, am I the only one that got the hint?

 

No. We get the hint. It's hard to let go of someone you love.

 

When you get dumped, the only choice that makes sense is to move on

 

Not always. I'll explain in a sec.

 

Are they going to come back? Who cares? What have you got to lose from walking away?

 

1. Maybe.

2. I care.

3. Nothing or everything.

 

Maybe a couple of more years with a person who's going to get bored of you again for the same reasons. Somebody who owns you because you simply could not figure out how to live without them.

 

I know that people always want to build their self-esteem by saying thing such as "Oh he/she wasn't right for you." or "You'll find someone who understands you better!" and while those sentiments are nice, they may not be true. The point is you have to understand WHY the relationship failed, identify areas of self-improvement and then implement them as permanent changes. Most people fail relationship after relationship because they do not understand that THEY are the problem or that they have a problem preventing them from having a healthy relationship.

 

The point is, you CAN get back with your Ex IF you are the problem and can correct what your issues are. But if the problem is YOUR ex and you don't want them back, that's another story altogether.

 

Maybe I just did something right; maybe it's the fact that I'm in college, and I started dating again right away almost by accident. Perhaps it just clicked, and I'm lucky to suddenly feel so well adjusted. It doesn't matter.

 

Some people learn faster than others how to play this game. I'm a late bloomer.

 

Why do we, as people, want to beat a dead horse until we've poured every ounce of ourselves into the effort and finally collapse from exhaustion? No contact, some contact, full contact... whatever. The point of no contact is that you'll never forget about your ex if you don't keep giving yourself new material. Every time you talk to him or her you're giving the past a little tug, so it stays just close enough that you can't quite accept that it's over. Don't call your ex, start dating immediately, rediscover your friends, get new hobbies, update your wardrobe, get a slick haircut, go on that trip you always wanted. And don't do all of this because she or he is going to magically want you back. Do it because you could care less if you're wanted back or not. Go take a risk, step into the intimidating new world of being single with the same attitude that you stepped into the relationship - with optimism. Your dreams lie ahead. Knowing that, why would you think twice about looking back?

 

It's not that easy, man. Some people just can't stop loving someone that quickly. It's not a switch you can just "turn off." Sure you can do things to help get your mind off of them, but if you were truly in love and that person was important to you, when they leave, they also leave a huge void in your life that's not as easy to fill as you might think it is.

 

What was important to me to learn from my breakup is what *I* needed to improve upon. And that's where my focus has been. I'm not concerned about what is wrong with my Ex. I will NEVER have a healthy relationship until I have a healthy outlook on who *I* am. My problem has always been insecurity and self-esteem and once I figured that out I understood why my Ex dumped me.

 

Do I want her back? Absolutely.

Will I get a chance? Maybe. Who knows.

 

It won't be the end of the world if I don't but at least I know that if I do I won't make the same mistakes and I won't be the same person she dumped.

 

And if I never get back with her at least I know that the next relationship will be much better because I've learned from my mistakes and have become a much stronger person and MUCH more appealing to the opposite sex.

[BrotherAaron]

You're missing the point, ConfusedOC. Stop focusing on your ex. You could work hard to improve yourself so that she'll "see what she lost" and then you two can run away together and live happily ever after... yeah, right. Tell me, though, why she deserves that. She kicked you to the curb! I don't see why she deserves a new and improved you. When you've really readjusted your attitude, then you'll understand what I'm saying.

 

Right now all of the effort in your previously dysfunctional and now dead relationship with your ex is coming from you. You're trying to help yourself for the wrong reasons man! If your ex was never coming back then would you still be doing all of this? No changes are going to stick if you're changing to achieve a short term goal (getting your ex back). Of course you can't switch love on and off like a light - but the first step to getting over somebody is making a conscious effort to do so. That's where you're failing. You are so incredibly stubborn and refusing to move on. I can't believe that, after all this time, and all of this talk about self-improvement, you're still talking about getting back together with her. Wake up man. There's a whole world out there that you could be living and loving, and you honestly do not need her. You're letting your self worth be determined by somebody else, and looking to her for validation. You've got to come to the realization that you are worth every ounce of another person's love and then you won't waste your time with anybody who disagrees.

 

You still haven't realized that your ex has just as many issues as you do. You've already managed to covince me that you two did not make a good couple. There's really no point to going back to her. Once you've overcome your dependencies, low self-esteem issues, and lack of confidence, then you're going to want a relationship with somebody who is on the same emotional level as you are. You are still very naive to think that there is something uniquely special about your love with her that makes it worth going back to as opposed to moving on.

 

Answer me this: if the love you two shared was so damn magical, then why are you sitting here alone while she macks on some other dude?

 

You're trying to lecture me on how it isn't easy to lose somebody that you love. Well, what do you think brought me to LoveShack? I know it isn't easy. I'm just trying to illuminate what it was that worked for me.

[whichwayisup]

Part of NO CONTACT also meaning NOT thinking of the EX. Stop thinking of NO CONTACT and just live life as you can. As soon as the EX pops into your head...Push them OUT.

 

The thought pattern is so used to thinking of the EX, the ONLY way to rid of them from your mind is to teach yourself that it is not okay to think of them ... AT ALL ... No sexual thoughts, wondering wtf they're doing and why, no emotional stuff etc...

 

This won't happen over night ofcourse, it's something that just has to happen otherwise the concept of NC is sort of stupid if you're sitting there thinking of that person all the time anyway. Defeats the purpose.

 

If in 2-6 months the EX is still in your head daily then it's really time to learn how to cope better. (I'm not talking about a 'recent' breakup btw, and this reply isn't to anybody specific, just in general...)

[sleeplessincnd]

I know that this might sound corny but it works for so many people trying to overcome obstacles that seem insurmountable.

 

Take it one day at at time.

 

The thought of never talking to your ex again may leave you a sobbing mess on the floor. But what if every morning you got up and said "just for today I am not going to contact him/her, I might talk to him/her next week or even tomorrow, just not today". Do that every morning and ever time you think about it until one day you wake up and you won't have to remind yourself.

 

I know that it works b/c I do it, the thought of never talking to him or seeing him again makes me want to just curl up in a ball and cry - but I can handle the idea of just not contacting him today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but today is all I can worry about.

 

It's how an alcoholic keeps from drinking and a drug addict keeps from shooting up and if people with those challenges can make this work, we can certainly make it work for our broken hearts!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by BrotherAaron

You're missing the point, ConfusedOC. Stop focusing on your ex. You could work hard to improve yourself so that she'll "see what she lost" and then you two can run away together and live happily ever after... yeah, right. Tell me, though, why she deserves that. She kicked you to the curb! I don't see why she deserves a new and improved you. When you've really readjusted your attitude, then you'll understand what I'm saying.

 

I don't think she deserves me at all. The only way I'd take her back is if she had changed in a positive way.

 

Right now all of the effort in your previously dysfunctional and now dead relationship with your ex is coming from you. You're trying to help yourself for the wrong reasons man! If your ex was never coming back then would you still be doing all of this?

 

Absolutely. The changes I have implemented I have been needing for some time. If I never date see her again I at least know that the next one that comes along, I won't screw it up.

 

No changes are going to stick if you're changing to achieve a short term goal (getting your ex back).

 

I'm very well aware of that. The changes I have made were ones that mostly "No More Mr. Nice Guy" helped me figure out. "Love Must Be Tough" showed me what I did wrong (started the relationship off on the wrong foot). So, I am much more educated plus my self-confidence and attitude have improved dramatically. It's all in how you look at yourself.

 

Of course you can't switch love on and off like a light - but the first step to getting over somebody is making a conscious effort to do so. That's where you're failing. You are so incredibly stubborn and refusing to move on. I can't believe that, after all this time, and all of this talk about self-improvement, you're still talking about getting back together with her.

 

I quite aware it may never happen.

 

Wake up man. There's a whole world out there that you could be living and loving, and you honestly do not need her. You're letting your self worth be determined by somebody else, and looking to her for validation. You've got to come to the realization that you are worth every ounce of another person's love and then you won't waste your time with anybody who disagrees.

 

I don't look to her anymore for validation. I miss, more than anything, the good parts of our relationship and the void she left. That's what I miss more than anything -- and more than just HER.

 

You still haven't realized that your ex has just as many issues as you do.

 

She has a TON more issues than I do. That I know for sure.

 

You've already managed to covince me that you two did not make a good couple. There's really no point to going back to her. Once you've overcome your dependencies, low self-esteem issues, and lack of confidence, then you're going to want a relationship with somebody who is on the same emotional level as you are. You are still very naive to think that there is something uniquely special about your love with her that makes it worth going back to as opposed to moving on.

 

Heh, I don't have those issues anymore. I would REALLY like to be with someone I can connect with on a level much greater than the Ex.

 

As for going back to her, I've said it many times. I couldn't take her back as is. I KNOW that. All the "changed" me is going to do is make me better suited for the RIGHT person when she comes along. But again, the changes I have made were ones that were far, far overdue.

 

Answer me this: if the love you two shared was so damn magical, then why are you sitting here alone while she macks on some other dude?

 

Because the focus right now is on myself, not rushing out into a rebound relationship. She can rebound all she wants because from what I now know, she's falling flat on her face

 

You're trying to lecture me on how it isn't easy to lose somebody that you love. Well, what do you think brought me to LoveShack? I know it isn't easy. I'm just trying to illuminate what it was that worked for me.

 

I know and I really do appreciate your insight. But you must understand that right now all I have is my EX to refer to. It's not like I have had a ton of relationships where I have loved someone this deeply. In fact, I have NEVER loved anyone as much as I love/d her.

 

Do not ever think for one second that ANY changes I have made have been for anyone else. I give myself credit for this. Whenever something in my life goes awry, the first thing I do is say to myself "Did I make a mistake? If so, what can I do to avoid this happening again?!"

 

There's a huge lesson to be learned here and that's what I am doing. But the hope that I will get back with my ex is much lower than I make it seem.

[whichwayisup]

relationship and the void she left. That's what I miss more than anything -- and more than just HER.

You miss how she made you feel. Part of your heart died, she took that away when she broke up with you.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

You miss how she made you feel. Part of your heart died, she took that away when she broke up with you.

 

Exactly.....