NC. My take on it. Does it make them leave or come back.

[smile95]

I do feel sick and emotional when I think of never talking to him again and I am going to try what you suggested! It think it may work! thanks for the tip! One day at a time. Maybe one day in about 2 months, i will not think I need to have him in my life, as I will be surviving alone!

[eastern_mystique]

Just returning to the original subject of the post, I'm not sure at this stage whether NC makes someone come back or not.....but my ex is as of late getting all kinds of interested in me.

 

I instituted NC with my ex on May 6th, telling him we cannot nor will we ever be friends because I love him and for all the obvious reasons, friendship just wasn't enough. I told him we were to have no contact whatsoever, which he agreed to enthusiastically (but which he has now pretty much violated).

 

I only wanted to do this for a couple of months, to see if anything in that time has changed for him, but he actually wanted to do it permanently and made out that we'd never see or speak to each other again.....which really upset me.

 

Now, in the last 2 weeks I've suddenly started getting text messages from him asking me about my exams, then asking me when they'll be finishing, then asking me a question on behalf of someone else, then texting me later on telling me he's bought a car....it's like he's using every lame excuse going to reach out to me. After unsuccessfully trying to ignore the damn things, I have texted back, although left it several days or several hours before responding and kept them very brief and impersonal, almost mechanical. This doesn't seem to be deterring him.

 

I don't know whether to be happy or angry about all this, because I don't know what his motives are. Is he just feeling bored or curious or attention seeking? Or is he actually missing me and starting to realise it?

 

It's weird isn't it, I know some people on here have said that when you chase them they run further away, but when you start to lose interest and turn away then they suddenly start chasing after you. I never thought he'd actually do that.

 

I'm sure that he'll continue texting me and will probably wind up calling me sooner or later wanting to see me (which is why he was asking about when my exams would be over). I really do want us to get back together more than anything.....but I'm going to be as cautious as hell until I know how things really are. He knows very well I want nothing to do with him as friends, so if this is his pathetic way of trying to weasel his way back into my good graces to just be 'friends', then he really is stupid.

 

I know this is inconclusive as of now, but I suppose NC can work in some cases to bring someone back, and in some cases it won't. It just depends on the person and the situation.

[miss-gonewest]

Why don't you just ask what he means by all his contact?

 

I too don't know that I believe in total NC - I mean what if you miss your chance? If you are too cold and impersonal then he may take that as that you have moved on... he may think you have closed the door and then where will you both be???

[snailz]

Im new to this no contact thing, i was just reading through some of the messages and wow its makes so much sense now- BrotherAaron you have just totally made me see things in a different light, your advice is spot on and im certainly going to give it a go, thanks for the inspiration!!!!

[fundamental]

I feel that when you have been dumped, it's only natural to want to continuously contact your ex--especially when there isn't a clear reason for the break up. I just say do it until you realize it's a ridiculous idea. With NC, people sometimes have regrets so they will practice NC a day, a week, or two weeks then contact the ex. Then they try NC for a while, then contact the ex again. Why not just let the dumpee get the calling, texting, and emailing out of his/her system. There are only a few people in the world that can practice complete NC as soon as they are dumped.

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by fundamental

I feel that when you have been dumped, it's only natural to want to continuously contact your ex--especially when there isn't a clear reason for the break up. I just say do it until you realize it's a ridiculous idea. With NC, people sometimes have regrets so they will practice NC a day, a week, or two weeks then contact the ex. Then they try NC for a while, then contact the ex again. Why not just let the dumpee get the calling, texting, and emailing out of his/her system. There are only a few people in the world that can practice complete NC as soon as they are dumped.

 

AAAAAAMEN!!!

 

Sometimes you just have to keep trying and contacting until you see it's not going to get you anywhere. This is basically what I did with my ex. I called him and emailed him until I was blue in the face and saw it wasn't going to go anywhere.

 

I also agree that very VERY few people are able to implement total NC from the get-go. The emotions involved in a break up can be overwhelming and can make us think more with our hearts than our heads. I don't know that I regret all the contacting that I did. At least I know that I gave it my best shot and that's all I can do. You can't change things that are unchangeable.

 

If he *was* to ever come back to me (which I doubt) then I can honestly say at this point that I wouldn't even want him. The pain and suffering he put me through after the breakup woudl be unforgiveable. The times that he screwed up I was willing to talk to him and forgive him and eventually take him back but when I screwed up I got dumped permanently and he didn't return the same courtesy that I gave him during the times I broke up wtih him. F that.

 

 

She has a TON more issues than I do. That I know for sure.

 

And yet you still love her even wtih all her imperfections and issues....

If the love is real and true and MUTUAL then you will love someone no matter what. She obviously could not tolerate your imperfections yet you could tolerate hers. What does this say? Think about it...

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

And yet you still love her even wtih all her imperfections and issues....

If the love is real and true and MUTUAL then you will love someone no matter what. She obviously could not tolerate your imperfections yet you could tolerate hers. What does this say? Think about it...

 

I know it wasn't mutual, that was clearly obvious. Universe's post to me in another thread hit the nail on the head. She wanted something more than I could give her at the time. Now she wants to go sow her wild oats and see if she can find it, I suppose.

 

I've got myself to be concerned about and that, right now, is where my focus is.

[XNemesisX]

Well I guess what I was trying to say is that I think you are being too hard on yourself. I read all of your posts and time after time you are talking about how you have improved and changed yourself. Whether you want to admit to it or not, I think that even if subconsciously you are doing this to get her validation in some shape, fashion, or form.

 

I seriously doubt there was anything wrong with you in the first place. You were just being yourself and showing how you felt. Nothing wrong with that.

 

On the other hand, I understand where you are coming from. You want to "change" yourself to get her approval. I know how that feels. A breakup can be a huge blow to the ego. In some way, we feel like something is wrong with us when we get dumped. If we can only get their approval again, it could correct the damage done to our egos I think.

[BrotherAaron]

Yeah, COIC, just don't take your life at the moment so seriously. Go have fun! Really!

 

You know I didn't break up with my girl too long ago. I was being such a little girl about the whole thing. I'll tell you exactly what made the difference for me - I was making out with the hottest girl I've ever kissed, and my ex started text messaging me. Clearly, I didn't want her interrupting me, so I ignored them and kept kissing this girl. Later, I read the text messages. She had decided to come crawling back. I thought about it, and realized that I had two choices - keep my options open for this new girl (and, potentially, many others) or go back to something that, as of my most recent memory, sucked. I've never been happier. I have my friends back, my hobbies, my life, and I never knew that I was such a lady killer

 

All this time you spend sitting here writing about your ex could be better spent going out where you'll meet people (of both sexes, but especially ladies) who you could be creating adventures. You're still young! Well... sorta. You still look young. But, hey, you're unnattached. No kids, no wife, and no boss (you're self-employed, right?). Well, live it up!

[BrotherAaron]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

Well I guess what I was trying to say is that I think you are being too hard on yourself. I read all of your posts and time after time you are talking about how you have improved and changed yourself. Whether you want to admit to it or not, I think that even if subconsciously you are doing this to get her validation in some shape, fashion, or form.

 

I seriously doubt there was anything wrong with you in the first place. You were just being yourself and showing how you felt. Nothing wrong with that.

 

On the other hand, I understand where you are coming from. You want to "change" yourself to get her approval. I know how that feels. A breakup can be a huge blow to the ego. In some way, we feel like something is wrong with us when we get dumped. If we can only get their approval again, it could correct the damage done to our egos I think.

 

Well, on that note, I think that you should never pass up an oppurtunity to improve yourself. None of us are perfect and anytime we identify weaknesses in our character is a good time to improve on those weaknesses.

 

I had one person tell me that I'm a "Funnier, cockier, more genuine and way cooler version" of myself from before getting dumped. It's hard to argue with those results

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

Well I guess what I was trying to say is that I think you are being too hard on yourself. I read all of your posts and time after time you are talking about how you have improved and changed yourself. Whether you want to admit to it or not, I think that even if subconsciously you are doing this to get her validation in some shape, fashion, or form.

 

I can understand why you'd say that but, the problems with my past relationship will follow me if I *DO NOT* do something about my low self-esteem and other issues I brought up. The books are helping, and yes we all at one time or another want to show our Ex's what they lost. I would never deny that. However, in my case, I HAVE to implement these changes for me or I will never have a healthy relationship.

 

I'd say it was about time...

 

I seriously doubt there was anything wrong with you in the first place. You were just being yourself and showing how you felt. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Myself was clingy, soft, had low self-esteem and wasn't very self-assured or masculine. I'd say I have a lot to improve on. I had a hard time understanding how she wanted to be loved and I expected her to love the way I did. I also had NO CLUE how to set boundaries and she walked all over me.

 

Knowledge is power.

 

On the other hand, I understand where you are coming from. You want to "change" yourself to get her approval. I know how that feels. A breakup can be a huge blow to the ego. In some way, we feel like something is wrong with us when we get dumped. If we can only get their approval again, it could correct the damage done to our egos I think.

 

I don't want to change to get her approval. I want to change the part of me that I feel do not make me a more complete man capable of a healthy relationship.

 

I think a lot of people get dumped and want to put all the blame on their ex when we know LOVE is a 2 way street. You can not fix your Ex, but you can fix the problems in your own life. In fact, you owe it to yourself anytime you've been dumped to figure out what your part in the demise of the relationship was, accept it, correct the behavior if necessary and move on.

 

That, at least in my opinion, is the only way to be healthy. You can not change your Ex. It's impossible. But you can become smarter, wiser and mentally healthier because of the relationship.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by BrotherAaron

Yeah, COIC, just don't take your life at the moment so seriously. Go have fun! Really!

 

You know I didn't break up with my girl too long ago. I was being such a little girl about the whole thing. I'll tell you exactly what made the difference for me - I was making out with the hottest girl I've ever kissed, and my ex started text messaging me. Clearly, I didn't want her interrupting me, so I ignored them and kept kissing this girl. Later, I read the text messages. She had decided to come crawling back. I thought about it, and realized that I had two choices - keep my options open for this new girl (and, potentially, many others) or go back to something that, as of my most recent memory, sucked. I've never been happier. I have my friends back, my hobbies, my life, and I never knew that I was such a lady killer

 

Agreed, but I have a lot of areas to improve upon. I'm on my third book and have another one coming. I am implementing the changes necessary one day at a time. I don't think I am quite ready to go out and start dating again but that will come soon enough.

 

I AM a lady killer, I just want to make sure I am prepared and have not only learned my lesson but have made the positive changes a PERMANENT part of my personality.

 

All this time you spend sitting here writing about your ex could be better spent going out where you'll meet people (of both sexes, but especially ladies) who you could be creating adventures. You're still young! Well... sorta. You still look young. But, hey, you're unnattached. No kids, no wife, and no boss (you're self-employed, right?). Well, live it up!

 

Well that's part of it. I'm playing Golf again (and having fun!) and I am riding my Motorcycle a lot more. Remember, I am a Christian so I don't really go out clubbing. I'm more apt to meet someone at Church than I am anywhere else. That's why I am often home on the weekend nights (Unless I DO have a date).

 

I'm also a musician and I am working on a new original project so that it going to be taking a lot of my time.

 

Don't worry, you can still have fun and live it up without getting drunk and clubbing. At least I can.

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by BrotherAaron

Yeah, COIC, just don't take your life at the moment so seriously. Go have fun! Really!

 

You know I didn't break up with my girl too long ago. I was being such a little girl about the whole thing. I'll tell you exactly what made the difference for me - I was making out with the hottest girl I've ever kissed, and my ex started text messaging me. Clearly, I didn't want her interrupting me, so I ignored them and kept kissing this girl. Later, I read the text messages. She had decided to come crawling back. I thought about it, and realized that I had two choices - keep my options open for this new girl (and, potentially, many others) or go back to something that, as of my most recent memory, sucked. I've never been happier. I have my friends back, my hobbies, my life, and I never knew that I was such a lady killer

 

All this time you spend sitting here writing about your ex could be better spent going out where you'll meet people (of both sexes, but especially ladies) who you could be creating adventures. You're still young! Well... sorta. You still look young. But, hey, you're unnattached. No kids, no wife, and no boss (you're self-employed, right?). Well, live it up!

 

Good for you, BA!

 

But I do think that the break up might be easier for you to pick up where you left off. I think I read somewhere that you are only 20 years old (?)

You still have a LOT to live and at your age, its relatively easy to meet more people to go out with. The same things that worked for you may not work for someone who is 20 years older than you.

 

I'm not much older than you (I'm 22) so I realize that at our ages, its easier to meet people. But I think that what you are saying is great. I'm glad that you have moved on so well..you're an inspiration!

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Agreed, but I have a lot of areas to improve upon. I'm on my third book and have another one coming. I am implementing the changes necessary one day at a time. I don't think I am quite ready to go out and start dating again but that will come soon enough.

 

I AM a lady killer, I just want to make sure I am prepared and have not only learned my lesson but have made the positive changes a PERMANENT part of my personality.

 

 

 

Well that's part of it. I'm playing Golf again (and having fun!) and I am riding my Motorcycle a lot more. Remember, I am a Christian so I don't really go out clubbing. I'm more apt to meet someone at Church than I am anywhere else. That's why I am often home on the weekend nights (Unless I DO have a date).

 

I'm also a musician and I am working on a new original project so that it going to be taking a lot of my time.

 

Don't worry, you can still have fun and live it up without getting drunk and clubbing. At least I can.

 

I see what you're saying, CIOC. That is great that you are working on improving yourself. I just worry taht you are becoming too obsessed with these changes. Did you really have low self-esteem before? Or was it just that you were in love and put her before yourself? I doubt this is low self-esteem. I guess I can see a part of myself in you in the way you handled yourself in the relationship. I just don't want to think that you will turn into someone you are not because you think that is what women want. But who am I to judge? If researching and doing this reading is making you feel better then more power to you!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

I see what you're saying, CIOC. That is great that you are working on improving yourself. I just worry taht you are becoming too obsessed with these changes. Did you really have low self-esteem before? Or was it just that you were in love and put her before yourself? I doubt this is low self-esteem. I guess I can see a part of myself in you in the way you handled yourself in the relationship. I just don't want to think that you will turn into someone you are not because you think that is what women want. But who am I to judge? If researching and doing this reading is making you feel better then more power to you!

 

A sure sign of low self-esteem is seeking HER approval. And I was the classic "Nice Guy" (Excuse me, DOOR MAT) portrayed in "No More Mr Nice Guy."

 

I let her cross my boundaries.

I did everything I could to please her without any consideration to my own needs.

I gave, gave, gave (covert contracts).

I would not accept her "gifts" (I didn't feel I deserved them).

I had "toxic shame." (The belief I wasn't worthy of being loved)

I was a classic "caregiver/caretaker"

 

All I had to do was back off, be happy with who I was, be a bit more masculine (I had the tendency to whine, complain, etc...things confident men rarely do.)

 

Now when I am driving and I catch myself whining about something, I immediately chastise myself for it. If I catch myself complaining about things that are just a realistic part of life, I am aware of it. I'm aware of being more "masculine" and accept that I am a guy. I spend more time now watching how men I admire as leaders act and I try and emulate their positive behaviors. But not just one "alpha male" so to speak, but several. I take the best traits they have as a model for myself.

 

So far I think it's working fine. I know the ex has noticed it, and yes it's nice to know, but whether she approves or not doesn't matter. I seek my own approval (And God's) and no one else's.

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

I'm aware of being more "masculine" and accept that I am a guy.

 

 

Sorry, I just couldn't help but laugh and smile at that comment.

 

Some of the moments I cherish the most about my ex are when he acted "feminine." He cried during "Butterfly Effect" and also during a few of our fights and I thought it was sweet. Just don't be TOO masculine. Those types end up being pretty boring and are as easy to get to know as a brick wall....

 

The guys I have fell for the most have actually had more feminine traits about them. My ex was a jerk, sure, but he DID have an emotional side to him. That includes crying, whining, and actually showing he gave a damn about me. (at least at the time )

 

I wish I could see that from him again....

[miss-gonewest]

CIOC, I worry that you are reading too much.... and I worry that you are basing your opinion of yourself on what any one author is telling you, via your books.

 

And that you are basing your opinion on what you THINK your ex THINKS of you.

 

There is no right or wrong formula for being a type of person and attracting someone of the opposite sex - people fall in love with your soul (yeah Ok, and looks have a little to do with it) and your personality, and what didn't work for your ex, may well be clincher with your next girl.

 

I have dated nice guys, soft guys, hard guys and total losers.... it was a two way street as to why we didn't work out. Reading is great to learn more about how the other sex work and interact and what they expect but its never a perfect formula. And I think TIMING has a heap to do with stuff, but that can be another subject for discussion I guess.....

 

Reading is all well and good, but don't forget to be yourself, as god made you. Cos sure enough, he made someone pretty darn similar who is waiting out there for you, and she will think you are totally awesome, because you are you!!!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

CIOC, I worry that you are reading too much.... and I worry that you are basing your opinion of yourself on what any one author is telling you, via your books.

 

Understand not EVERYTHING the books say apply to me. My focus is on the things that do.

 

And that you are basing your opinion on what you THINK your ex THINKS of you.

 

No, I am basing my opinion on what my behavior was/is. What she thinks of me is irrelevant at this point.

 

There is no right or wrong formula for being a type of person and attracting someone of the opposite sex - people fall in love with your soul (yeah Ok, and looks have a little to do with it) and your personality, and what didn't work for your ex, may well be clincher with your next girl.

 

This explains it better than I can: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=501141#post501141

 

I have dated nice guys, soft guys, hard guys and total losers.... it was a two way street as to why we didn't work out. Reading is great to learn more about how the other sex work and interact and what they expect but its never a perfect formula. And I think TIMING has a heap to do with stuff, but that can be another subject for discussion I guess.....

 

I agree, our timing absolutely SUCKED. And I KNOW what her issues are and she has an avenue to work them out. I believe had we met at another time in our lives, this might have worked - BUT NOT PRIOR TO NOW.

 

I completely appreciate what you are saying but know that I am also in Therapy and it's not me imagining up what my issues are. It took me seeing a therapist for things to get clear. And yes, she agreed with my own assessments of my behavior.

 

Reading is all well and good, but don't forget to be yourself, as god made you. Cos sure enough, he made someone pretty darn similar who is waiting out there for you, and she will think you are totally awesome, because you are you!!!

 

Agreed. I am NEVER leaving who I am. I am merely making the improvements I need to be a happier, funnier, more confident and masculine guy. It won't change WHO I am, it will merely IMPROVE who I am.

 

Sheesh, I hope I don't sound like I think I am a total loser. I merely accept what happened, realize where my faults and mistakes were and have vowed to clean them up and improve where necessary.

 

I think that's a pretty healthy outlook.

 

I hear that "there's someone out there for you" all the time and I appreciate the sentiment but if I had kept going like I had been going, I would never be able to keep her

 

Meeting women has never been a problem for me. It's having a healthy relationship that has and now I realize why I wasn't.

 

Trust me. That's a good thing. Lots of good things have come of this breakup.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

 

Sorry, I just couldn't help but laugh and smile at that comment.

 

Some of the moments I cherish the most about my ex are when he acted "feminine." He cried during "Butterfly Effect" and also during a few of our fights and I thought it was sweet. Just don't be TOO masculine. Those types end up being pretty boring and are as easy to get to know as a brick wall....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=501141#post501141

 

Read that message. I think it's OK to have feelings and I think it's OK to cry when the situation warrants it. I don't think men should cry at movies. That's not manly.

 

The guys I have fell for the most have actually had more feminine traits about them. My ex was a jerk, sure, but he DID have an emotional side to him. That includes crying, whining, and actually showing he gave a damn about me. (at least at the time )

 

I wish I could see that from him again....

 

I agree everyone is different and that's what you sought in a man. Most women, I think, would have eventually kicked him to the curb.

[ConfusedInOC]

Heh, just read this in one of my books and felt it was poignant to this situation:

 

"Here is an important fact: If we can look at our personal context with compassion and the desire to understand (without for a moment denying the wrongness of our behavior); if we can be to ourselves a good friend who really wants to know where we're coming from when we behaved the way we did -- then we can heal ourselves; we can feel remorse and regret but not self-damnation. And the most likely consequence is the determination to do better in the future."

 

This explains beautifully what I am trying to say about my situation. I know where I was coming from and what I did when I did it. I understand why. Now all I want to do is do better in the the future and not repeat the same mistakes.

[chaos70]

Holy crap I need to get that book.

 

 

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by chaos70

Holy crap I need to get that book.

 

 

 

Here are the books I am reading or have read:

 

1. Love Must Be Tough - Dr. James R. Dobson

2. No More Mr. Nice Guy - Robert A Glover

3. How To Raise Your Self Esteem - Nathaniel Branden (currently reading)

4. Being a Man in a Woman's World - by Dennis W. Neder (On back order, it's so popular)

 

#1 is for singles who need to know the "dating" rules but mostly is for a married person trying to fix their marriage)

#2 Is for "door mats"

#3 is of course for building self-esteem

#4 is for understanding how to act like a man with a woman

 

I am not normally a book worm but given how brokenhearted I am, I NEVER want to feel this way again and I know I contributed a lot to the demise of my relationship.

 

So, reading these books has really, and I mean REALLY (along with Therapy) understand why I did what I did and has given me the basis for fixing my issues so I do not repeat the same mistakes.

[BrotherAaron]

Hey, reading is good. Actually, it's great. Just make sure that you get out there and do something - and I don't mean clubbing. Like XNemesisx said, I'm only 20. Technically, I can't even go clubbing yet. There are a thousand things that you can do in this world that involve other people that do not involve alcohol. I think that it's just as important for you to get out there and work your attitude with people in the real world as it is to read and be introspective to improve yourself during your free time. Like I said, you may not be as young as I am, but then we place too much emphasis on age. If you woke up tomorrow believing you were 25, would anything be any different? Just go do what feels good and makes you happy. As long as you're not doing any damage, it's all just healthy fun.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by BrotherAaron

Hey, reading is good. Actually, it's great. Just make sure that you get out there and do something -

 

Trust me, I am redirecting my focus towards my goals. One of them being to be in an original, Christian based rock band where I am the lead vocalist. I think I can do this.

 

I'm working on buying a house right now.

 

and I don't mean clubbing. Like XNemesisx said, I'm only 20. Technically, I can't even go clubbing yet. There are a thousand things that you can do in this world that involve other people that do not involve alcohol. I think that it's just as important for you to get out there and work your attitude with people in the real world as it is to read and be introspective to improve yourself during your free time. Like I said, you may not be as young as I am, but then we place too much emphasis on age. If you woke up tomorrow believing you were 25, would anything be any different? Just go do what feels good and makes you happy. As long as you're not doing any damage, it's all just healthy fun.

 

Definitely agree. I am having fun and am so far past the clubbing scene that it's not even funny. I've been playing more golf too so that's been great.

 

Shot a 96 on Sat. After not playing for 18 months, that's pretty good. I used to be a 12 handicapper.

[samski3409]

Originally posted by beth5201

well he should be doing NC to you? If you ended it, why are you sending cards? I am lost? DO you still want him? Or do you want to move on?

 

yeah, i don't get that either. my girlfriend broke up with me sighting that everything was great and i'm an awesome man blah,blah,blah! the thing is she started talking to this guy from her past that treated her crappy and she wanted to try it with him. oh well,her lose!not that i wasn't totally crushed ,cuz i was. i mean i was so in love and she knew it.back to my point.this girl keeps calling me saying she loves me so much and misses me.but when i ask her what the hell she wants to do about it she says she can't do anything about it.then why does she keep doing this? the only possible way for me to deal with my heartache is NC.yet she wants me to be talking to her like we're still together i.e. telling her i love her after a phone conversation.i'm done with it.i think she's a jerk for messing with me when she know i'm still madly in love with her but i'm just trying to move on. why the does she keep doing this if she doesnt want to be with me? screw it i'm done dealing with her crap.