Wife had an affair, is trying to make son friends with the man.

[moonwalker86]

So, basically, after many many years in this relationship she ended it having an affair. We've been "split" technically for like 3 months I think, still living together but moving out at the end of this month. We have a 6 year old child in the picture and will have joint custody of him, he will be living with both of us back and forth.

 

Now here's another issue to pile on top of everything that has already happened, she is already introducing this man to my son as a friend. I got so angry the other night because she was in his bedroom with her phone and asked my son to say goodnight to this man. It was one of the lowest things she's done. I don't know how to handle it. What would you do in this situation? Would you just let it happen? It's hard to figure out the right thing to do.

[road]

So, basically, after many many years in this relationship she ended it having an affair. We've been "split" technically for like 3 months I think, still living together but moving out at the end of this month. We have a 6 year old child in the picture and will have joint custody of him, he will be living with both of us back and forth.

 

Now here's another issue to pile on top of everything that has already happened, she is already introducing this man to my son as a friend. I got so angry the other night because she was in his bedroom with her phone and asked my son to say goodnight to this man. It was one of the lowest things she's done. I don't know how to handle it. What would you do in this situation? Would you just let it happen? It's hard to figure out the right thing to do.

 

 

1st do you want to save this marriage or divorce your WW?

 

 

2nd regardless of your answer for number one, your child must be told the truth.

 

 

Your child is old enough to know the truth. Simply tell your son that when people get married they do not have a BF/GF and go on dates with them.

 

 

Well mom has a BF, his name is ______ and is going on dates with him. That what mom is doing is known as having an affair, also what mom is doing is called cheating. This is age appropriate for young children.

Edited January 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[flowergirl14]

Yes tell your son about cheating in an age appropriate way. THEN...Call a friend, go outside and yell, write it down what ever you need to do. What a dirty rotten #&*!$ she is. She is vile no doubt about it! Chump lady had a good article on this today.

[BetrayedH]

My personal opinion...your son has no need for being involved in the adults' drama. He's not a pawn. He's a child. I don't believe that "age-appropriate" explanations are necessary.

 

Research that I've read (which was considerable when I went thru this) showed that children adapt to divorce more quickly when no one particular parent is at fault. When a parent is perceived to be at fault, the child feels driven to intervene and tries to take ownership of fixing things. Is this a role you want your child to play?

 

More importantly, children always find ways to blame themselves for a divorce (which again oends to their role in trying to fix things).

 

If you want to do right by your child, explain that it's tough for parents to always agree on everything and that you tried hard but it didn't work. Assure them that they did nothing wrong, that both parents love them, and that they'll spend time with both parents regularly. Don't denigrate their mother in front of them, ever. If you want to see a child feel bad about themselves, tell them something bad about their parent and watch them drop their head in shame. They internalize it.

 

The desire to tell the child "the truth" has more to do with you than it does with what's best for them. If you feel that your dishonesty will not teach them an appropriate lesson about relationships, then you have 12 years remaining to teach them about relationships. Do it another way, rather than slamming their mom.

 

From a practical standpoint, you can't stop what their mom does on her time. There may be some exceptions. Some folks have managed to incorporate language into a marital settlement agreement (or a court-ordered divorce) that precludes either parent from introducing any romantic partners for a period of time. If you can manage that, great. I'm all for it. Short of that, accept that you cannot control it and simply make your time with your child as beneficial as humanly possible.

 

It is very hard to let go of this battle of who is the bad guy and the better parent during and after a divorce. Eventually you learn to simply focus on your own time and influence, unless there is some real and demonstrable harm coming to the child.

 

Lastly, opinions on this topic are diverse and passionate. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that all of us are glad no one else is making this decision for us. I also respect those that are passionate about honesty. This dishonesty from me was difficult and a rare exception in my life. And frankly, it has worked wonders with my children. And I've seen what happens first-hand when one parent is perceived to be at fault; the children are mad at the at-fault parent seemingly indefinitely and act out big time.

 

It's your choice. I recommend that you read a lot (from professionals) and then read some more.

[moonwalker86]

My personal opinion...your son has no need for being involved in the adults' drama. He's not a pawn. He's a child. I don't believe that "age-appropriate" explanations are necessary.

 

Research that I've read (which was considerable when I went thru this) showed that children adapt to divorce more quickly when no one particular parent is at fault. When a parent is perceived to be at fault, the child feels driven to intervene and tries to take ownership of fixing things. Is this a role you want your child to play?

 

More importantly, children always find ways to blame themselves for a divorce (which again oends to their role in trying to fix things).

 

If you want to do right by your child, explain that it's tough for parents to always agree on everything and that you tried hard but it didn't work. Assure them that they did nothing wrong, that both parents love them, and that they'll spend time with both parents regularly. Don't denigrate their mother in front of them, ever. If you want to see a child feel bad about themselves, tell them something bad about their parent and watch them drop their head in shame. They internalize it.

 

The desire to tell the child "the truth" has more to do with you than it does with what's best for them. If you feel that your dishonesty will not teach them an appropriate lesson about relationships, then you have 12 years remaining to teach them about relationships. Do it another way, rather than slamming their mom.

 

From a practical standpoint, you can't stop what their mom does on her time. There may be some exceptions. Some folks have managed to incorporate language into a marital settlement agreement (or a court-ordered divorce) that precludes either parent from introducing any romantic partners for a period of time. If you can manage that, great. I'm all for it. Short of that, accept that you cannot control it and simply make your time with your child as beneficial as humanly possible.

 

It is very hard to let go of this battle of who is the bad guy and the better parent during and after a divorce. Eventually you learn to simply focus on your own time and influence, unless there is some real and demonstrable harm coming to the child.

 

Lastly, opinions on this topic are diverse and passionate. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that all of us are glad no one else is making this decision for us. I also respect those that are passionate about honesty. This dishonesty from me was difficult and a rare exception in my life. And frankly, it has worked wonders with my children. And I've seen what happens first-hand when one parent is perceived to be at fault; the children are mad at the at-fault parent seemingly indefinitely and act out big time.

 

It's your choice. I recommend that you read a lot (from professionals) and then read some more.

 

Thank you for your insight. I am leaning towards not saying anything to him. I am just feeling like it would screw everything up forever. Does she deserve it? Yes. She deserves to be put through the trouble. But my son doesn't. And that's why I probably won't. Because it will make his life harder, it will create a rivalry between me and her, it will make everything harder and more awkward.

 

We already filed the divorce and our agreements didn't have anything like time periods in it, she wouldn't have agreed either way. She believes she is not in the wrong, she said that she "knows" this guy is going to be part of her life and so she doesn't want to delay him knowing him. But it's ridiculous. It shows a lack of maturity on her part. But unfortunately I can't change that.

 

I plan on making the most of the split time with my son. I absolutely hate that I won't be seeing him some days. It truly breaks my heart, I cherished all my time with him. But life is changing. I will be there for him however I can.

[moonwalker86]

1st do you want to save this marriage or divorce your WW?

 

 

2nd regardless of your answer for number one, your child must be told the truth.

 

 

Your child is old enough to know the truth. Simply tell your son that when people get married they do not have a BF/GF and go on dates with them.

 

 

Well mom has a BF, his name is ______ and is going on dates with him. That what mom is doing is known as having an affair, also what mom is doing is called cheating. This is age appropriate for young children.

 

Already filed for divorce, just gotta wait for it to get approved, if it does which I'm hoping. I think I probably will not end up telling him but thanks for the response. I just can't have all the drama attached to it. Even though she screwed everything up, I still want to be the bigger person and end things on neutral grounds.

[moonwalker86]

Yes tell your son about cheating in an age appropriate way. THEN...Call a friend, go outside and yell, write it down what ever you need to do. What a dirty rotten #&*!$ she is. She is vile no doubt about it! Chump lady had a good article on this today.

 

Yes I agree it was vile, I didn't think she was capable of it, I held her so high in my head, thought she was made of gold. But well it's insane how wrong I was.

[ShatteredLady]

My cousin was about the same age as your son when his parents divorced & for the same reason. The kids were moved into the OMs house on D-day. It was brutal.

 

My cousin knew that his Mum was a slut & his Dad was a bastard (& many worse ones I can't post) long before he knew what those words meant!!

 

He's now in his 40's & says he physically cringes everytime people say things like "Don't you look like your Dad" or "You have your Mums eyes" because he still thinks 'If I'm like my Dad am I a 'b''. He's single despite being a very attractive man. Basically if you want to mess your kids heads-up explain how you feel & crush your ex to make yourself feel better.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree 100% with BetrayedH...no make that 1000% .....there is absolutely no need to tell your son about the affair. When he asks questions about the divorce...answer them honestly and don't tell give him information he doesn't ask about.

 

This affair and divorce are not about your baby...no need to drag him into it.

[road]

I agree 100% with BetrayedH...no make that 1000% .....there is absolutely no need to tell your son about the affair. When he asks questions about the divorce...answer them honestly and don't tell give him information he doesn't ask about.

 

This affair and divorce are not about your baby...no need to drag him into it.

 

 

Not about the kid? The OM and the WW destroyed this kids family.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you for your insight. I am leaning towards not saying anything to him. I am just feeling like it would screw everything up forever. Does she deserve it? Yes. She deserves to be put through the trouble. But my son doesn't. And that's why I probably won't. Because it will make his life harder, it will create a rivalry between me and her, it will make everything harder and more awkward.

 

We already filed the divorce and our agreements didn't have anything like time periods in it, she wouldn't have agreed either way. She believes she is not in the wrong, she said that she "knows" this guy is going to be part of her life and so she doesn't want to delay him knowing him. But it's ridiculous. It shows a lack of maturity on her part. But unfortunately I can't change that.

 

I plan on making the most of the split time with my son. I absolutely hate that I won't be seeing him some days. It truly breaks my heart, I cherished all my time with him. But life is changing. I will be there for him however I can.

 

This is a remarkably mature point of view.

 

Look, this crap is really tough. I get that. It was immensely hard for me to lie to my children AND represent the POV that marriage is disposable. I don't believe in either. It's an absolutely rough position to be in. And it's emotional as hell. Just do your utmost to maintain that maturity, even when the other person doesn't. Because your kids' well-being lies in the balance.

 

Your child(ren) will know over time which parent was responsible and put them first. For their sakes, I hope it's both of you. But you can only control one of you.

 

Best of luck to you.

[R.Gant]

I'd like to ask why are you the one leaving the marital home?

In a divorce the parent who usually leaves the marital home might lose some custody of there children.

 

Why Moving Out Is the Biggest Mistake in a Divorce*|*Joseph E. Cordell

 

Its best i think if you leave when there is already an agreement.

 

http://archive.postdesk.com/life-after-divorce

 

Please dont leave the family home willy nilly. Specially that you are in Canada & Specially that there is no Legal Agreement confirmed by attorneys.

Edited January 9, 2016 by R.Gant

[lolablue17]

Don't leave the house until you have a signed agreement including custody. If you find it hard to live with "her going on dates", ask her to minimize focus about it as a favor to you. If she refuses I have lots of ideas but maybe she will understand.

 

About OM. She has the right to do with her son what ever she likes, as his mom. You can't control their relationship, as she can't control yours. Respect her and be generous with it. Why? because the worst thing can happen to your son or to you, that if you start using your son one against each other, trying to show him that the other parent is "bad. Never go that way. Even if you think sometimes that she does that.

[Jonah]

Yes I agree it was vile, I didn't think she was capable of it, I held her so high in my head, thought she was made of gold. But well it's insane how wrong I was.

 

All you can do is point out when she is being stupid and ask her not to do that. The kids will roll with it... they will be exposed to stupid sooner or later and you can't shelter them forever. My ex went silly for a while as well... result is grown up kids that know stupid when they see it.

 

Best you can do is make sure your lawyer is giving you a fair shake. And take care of yourself. Take the kids out for fun as much as you can. If you are like me, the next few years will be the time of your life!

[moonwalker86]

I'd like to ask why are you the one leaving the marital home?

In a divorce the parent who usually leaves the marital home might lose some custody of there children.

 

Why Moving Out Is the Biggest Mistake in a Divorce*|*Joseph E. Cordell

 

Its best i think if you leave when there is already an agreement.

 

?I Lost Everything I?d Worked For, My Home And My Wonderful Children? ? A Father?s Perspective Of Life After Divorce on PostDesk

 

Please dont leave the family home willy nilly. Specially that you are in Canada & Specially that there is no Legal Agreement confirmed by attorneys.

 

It's an apartment we have been renting, she is moving out at the end of the lease as well. We have both signed an agreement about the custody being split 50/50 and what days we will have the child. How do you get an agreement confirmed by attorneys? Is that an expensive and long process?

[moonwalker86]

Don't leave the house until you have a signed agreement including custody. If you find it hard to live with "her going on dates", ask her to minimize focus about it as a favor to you. If she refuses I have lots of ideas but maybe she will understand.

 

About OM. She has the right to do with her son what ever she likes, as his mom. You can't control their relationship, as she can't control yours. Respect her and be generous with it. Why? because the worst thing can happen to your son or to you, that if you start using your son one against each other, trying to show him that the other parent is "bad. Never go that way. Even if you think sometimes that she does that.

 

We wrote out an agreement together and signed it, everything is pretty fair in it. She wouldn't care about my feelings, I've already expressed enough to her about rubbing things in my face, which is why I'm trying to get out of here sooner than planned.

[moonwalker86]

All you can do is point out when she is being stupid and ask her not to do that. The kids will roll with it... they will be exposed to stupid sooner or later and you can't shelter them forever. My ex went silly for a while as well... result is grown up kids that know stupid when they see it.

 

Best you can do is make sure your lawyer is giving you a fair shake. And take care of yourself. Take the kids out for fun as much as you can. If you are like me, the next few years will be the time of your life!

 

Yea I see what you're saying. We had an uncontested divorce so there are no lawyers involved. I will do as much as I can with my child. Thank you.

[moonwalker86]

My cousin was about the same age as your son when his parents divorced & for the same reason. The kids were moved into the OMs house on D-day. It was brutal.

 

My cousin knew that his Mum was a slut & his Dad was a bastard (& many worse ones I can't post) long before he knew what those words meant!!

 

He's now in his 40's & says he physically cringes everytime people say things like "Don't you look like your Dad" or "You have your Mums eyes" because he still thinks 'If I'm like my Dad am I a 'b''. He's single despite being a very attractive man. Basically if you want to mess your kids heads-up explain how you feel & crush your ex to make yourself feel better.

 

That's terrible. I would not want anything like that for my child at all. Very sad.

[Popsicle]

I was listening to Dr. Laura the other day and she had a caller call in with very same issue. Her advice was to just keep being the best person and parent you can be and that there was nothing that you can do about this besides that. I recommend therapy for you in coping with all this.

[Jonah]

That's terrible. I would not want anything like that for my child at all. Very sad.

 

love can overcome all of that. Make sure your kids know they are loved. If you and mom does too then they will be okay. My two boys are married to some quality, educated real ladies. It's amazing after all... but for love I think.

[Horton]

I don't entirely agree with the "Just be the bigger person and everything will work itself out in the end." style of advice many are giving you. Sure it sounds nice and benevolent to say that, but does it actually work is my question. They take the fact that some people use telling their kids about the affair as a weapon against the WS(thus making the child a pawn in the war between mom and dad) and make it sound like that's the only reason people ever tell their kids, which is simply not true. The way I look at it is the same way I look at corporal punishment. Do some people take it too far and wind up in the position of abuser? Absolutely, but that doesn't mean that anybody who does it is automatically committing an act of abuse. In the same vein there is a right way and a wrong way to tell your son about this and also right reasons and wrong reasons as well.

 

Now, others have pointed out that telling could potentially cause problems between you and WS(which is true) but they've also largely ignored the fact that not telling can lead to many issues too. For instance if you don't tell him and his family splits up there's a high probability that he will blame himself for this since he doesn't know whose really at fault. Simply telling him that both mom and dad are to blame(which may or may not be true) isn't always enough. Kids tend to internalize these things and when there's not a clear picture provided to them so they can understand what actually happened they will often look to themselves for the reasons. If they do, then it can become an even larger and more serious problem(in the long run) than if you had simply just dealt with it head on from the get go.

 

There's also the possibility that the OM will now be a permanent(or at least for the foreseeable future) fixture in your son's life. So how will you explain to him(in the future) why he was made to wish him goodnight(and other similar things he's no doubt being put through right now) once he's being shipped back and forth between your home and wherever the STBXW winds up living? Once he starts asking those obvious questions about what was really going down and why this OM was introduced to him long before he understood that his family was breaking up what will you tell him?

 

Personally I think your child is old enough to comprehend being told that mommy's don't get to have boyfriends in an age appropriate manner without it destroying his psyche or automatically pitting him between you and the WS as long as it's done right. On the flip side he's also young enough to still be heavily manipulated by your STBXW and turned against you if she so desires, which your wife appears to be already dipping her toes in the water in that regard. So IMO not telling him while she's actively attempting to turn him against you, so she can ingratiate the OM to him, has the potential of you (unwittingly)holding the door open for the OM to come strutting right into your role as the man in his life since the child will be oblivious to the OM's role in all of this and will likely judge him(as children so often do) entirely on surface appearances. If the OM can play X-Box and knows all of the characters on Adventure Time, your son is probably gonna like him and want to be around him a lot which will give him influence over your son, possibly enough to poison the well in regards to his relationship with you if your wife's behavior is any indication of what you can expect from him.

 

Telling the child about the affair in a spiteful or overly detailed manner that's intended to get back at his mother would certainly be wrong, but telling him in an age appropriate manner(if at all possible with his mother present and approving) could help the child understand better that his family coming to an end is not his fault with the added benefit of not leaving him in the dark to such a degree that he could come to resent you for it later and help him realize that OM is not somebody to be looked up to. Obviously both options have their pitfalls, but I didn't think it right to let you only hear one side of the argument. It would be wise to at least weigh them both for a while and then decide from there IMO. Regardless of what you decide to do, I genuinely hope things work out for you and your son. This is a terrible thing she has done to both of you.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm always honest with my kids. They're grown now, but I don't keep secrets from them and never have. I don't know if that's the best thing or not. I only know that I can't be dishonest with them. Maybe that's a leftover from childhood where I never knew who was telling me the truth and who was lying or keeping things from me. I dunno. All I know, is that we have a history of openness and if I tell them something, they know it's true.

[Mrs. John Adams]

eventually...as the child ages....he certainly can be given more information. A 6 year old child...is still a baby....and does not need to be told about affairs and boyfriends....

 

He needs to be assured... that even though his world as he knows it is about to change drastically...he is still very loved by both parents.....

 

he really does not need to hear about sexual promiscuity....

 

As he ages...he may ask more information....and there is plenty of time to tell him.... mom was a very terrible, horrible, reprehensible person later.

[moonwalker86]

eventually...as the child ages....he certainly can be given more information. A 6 year old child...is still a baby....and does not need to be told about affairs and boyfriends....

 

He needs to be assured... that even though his world as he knows it is about to change drastically...he is still very loved by both parents.....

 

he really does not need to hear about sexual promiscuity....

 

As he ages...he may ask more information....and there is plenty of time to tell him.... mom was a very terrible, horrible, reprehensible person later.

 

As much as I agree with some people about certain things I still don't think I can tell him anything. As sick as it is to me the timing wouldn't be appropriate. Yes I am scared of her manipulating him, I will admit that. She is a manipulative person, but we will have joint custody so she won't spend any more time with him than I will. And the other man does not live anywhere close to us.

[Mrs. John Adams]

go with what you feel is right...you know your wife and you know your child.