Wife had an affair, is trying to make son friends with the man.

[moonwalker86]

I don't entirely agree with the "Just be the bigger person and everything will work itself out in the end." style of advice many are giving you. Sure it sounds nice and benevolent to say that, but does it actually work is my question. They take the fact that some people use telling their kids about the affair as a weapon against the WS(thus making the child a pawn in the war between mom and dad) and make it sound like that's the only reason people ever tell their kids, which is simply not true. The way I look at it is the same way I look at corporal punishment. Do some people take it too far and wind up in the position of abuser? Absolutely, but that doesn't mean that anybody who does it is automatically committing an act of abuse. In the same vein there is a right way and a wrong way to tell your son about this and also right reasons and wrong reasons as well.

 

Now, others have pointed out that telling could potentially cause problems between you and WS(which is true) but they've also largely ignored the fact that not telling can lead to many issues too. For instance if you don't tell him and his family splits up there's a high probability that he will blame himself for this since he doesn't know whose really at fault. Simply telling him that both mom and dad are to blame(which may or may not be true) isn't always enough. Kids tend to internalize these things and when there's not a clear picture provided to them so they can understand what actually happened they will often look to themselves for the reasons. If they do, then it can become an even larger and more serious problem(in the long run) than if you had simply just dealt with it head on from the get go.

 

There's also the possibility that the OM will now be a permanent(or at least for the foreseeable future) fixture in your son's life. So how will you explain to him(in the future) why he was made to wish him goodnight(and other similar things he's no doubt being put through right now) once he's being shipped back and forth between your home and wherever the STBXW winds up living? Once he starts asking those obvious questions about what was really going down and why this OM was introduced to him long before he understood that his family was breaking up what will you tell him?

 

Personally I think your child is old enough to comprehend being told that mommy's don't get to have boyfriends in an age appropriate manner without it destroying his psyche or automatically pitting him between you and the WS as long as it's done right. On the flip side he's also young enough to still be heavily manipulated by your STBXW and turned against you if she so desires, which your wife appears to be already dipping her toes in the water in that regard. So IMO not telling him while she's actively attempting to turn him against you, so she can ingratiate the OM to him, has the potential of you (unwittingly)holding the door open for the OM to come strutting right into your role as the man in his life since the child will be oblivious to the OM's role in all of this and will likely judge him(as children so often do) entirely on surface appearances. If the OM can play X-Box and knows all of the characters on Adventure Time, your son is probably gonna like him and want to be around him a lot which will give him influence over your son, possibly enough to poison the well in regards to his relationship with you if your wife's behavior is any indication of what you can expect from him.

 

Telling the child about the affair in a spiteful or overly detailed manner that's intended to get back at his mother would certainly be wrong, but telling him in an age appropriate manner(if at all possible with his mother present and approving) could help the child understand better that his family coming to an end is not his fault with the added benefit of not leaving him in the dark to such a degree that he could come to resent you for it later and help him realize that OM is not somebody to be looked up to. Obviously both options have their pitfalls, but I didn't think it right to let you only hear one side of the argument. It would be wise to at least weigh them both for a while and then decide from there IMO. Regardless of what you decide to do, I genuinely hope things work out for you and your son. This is a terrible thing she has done to both of you.

 

I understand what you're saying, I've thought about all those angles and possibilities, that's why I'm so anxious and stressed out lately, because inside I'm furious at it all and scared, but because the divorce is still pending it's a sensitive time for many reasons. I don't know what to do exactly but I will stress to him that he has only 1 father and only ever will. We have a close relationship so that helps. I think playing it safe is the best thing for the moment.

[moonwalker86]

I was listening to Dr. Laura the other day and she had a caller call in with very same issue. Her advice was to just keep being the best person and parent you can be and that there was nothing that you can do about this besides that. I recommend therapy for you in coping with all this.

 

I will have to be, I wish I could afford therapy but I cannot so I have to just cope.

[moonwalker86]

love can overcome all of that. Make sure your kids know they are loved. If you and mom does too then they will be okay. My two boys are married to some quality, educated real ladies. It's amazing after all... but for love I think.

 

I love him more than I love myself, which is why it hurts so much to see this all happening. I always show him he's loved and tell him every day.

[flowergirl14]

He is a lucky little boy. Too feel and know your love. My parents divorced when I was 4. My dad was physically abusive to my brothers, his step children and my mom. It sounded like it was pretty bad. I was too young to remember. I dont remember when my mom told me this was why they divorced. However, my dad always made sure to tell me he loved me and wasnt abusive to me. My dad and mom have remarried more than once and had many other relationships. I still to this day have the closest relationship with my mom and dad, not step parents. Relationships come and go but you will always have the love of your kids and vice versa. Its funny how that works out. Btw, both of my parents have taken pot shots at each other on occasion. I know the truth. They arent perfect. Both have their faults. Im lucky in that both of them are very much a part of my life 30 +years after the divorce!

[HereNorThere]

I will have to be, I wish I could afford therapy but I cannot so I have to just cope.

 

Therapy doesn't have to a lot of cost money. There are plenty of inexpensive to zero costs counselors out there. A lot of therapy isn't the one to two hour sessions with the therapist each month, it's the homework you do in between sessions. There's a wealth of information online, books, videos and support groups that can help you. You can even speak to a Skype therapist and pay with PayPal if you prefer.

 

You do have to cope, but we all do. Putting your energy into getting better will help you build more effective coping mechanisms for the future.

[renny]

So, basically, after many many years in this relationship she ended it having an affair. We've been "split" technically for like 3 months I think, still living together but moving out at the end of this month. We have a 6 year old child in the picture and will have joint custody of him, he will be living with both of us back and forth.

 

Now here's another issue to pile on top of everything that has already happened, she is already introducing this man to my son as a friend. I got so angry the other night because she was in his bedroom with her phone and asked my son to say goodnight to this man. It was one of the lowest things she's done. I don't know how to handle it. What would you do in this situation? Would you just let it happen? It's hard to figure out the right thing to do.

 

Hurry up and move out. The fact that your wife is doing this in the house, with you there shows she has zero respect for you, or the years you've spent together. She pushing buttons, and you don't want your anger to get you into a domestic violence situation, or a confrontation with the other guy. Mentally, She's already checked out with you, and checked in with someone else. Its a wrap man, pick up the pieces, deal with the hurt, and get on with your life.

[moonwalker86]

Hurry up and move out. The fact that your wife is doing this in the house, with you there shows she has zero respect for you, or the years you've spent together. She pushing buttons, and you don't want your anger to get you into a domestic violence situation, or a confrontation with the other guy. Mentally, She's already checked out with you, and checked in with someone else. Its a wrap man, pick up the pieces, deal with the hurt, and get on with your life.

 

I have moved on from her emotionally, completely. She's in a long distance relationship. So I'm more worried about her trying to relocate to the middle of nowhere with our child than anything else. And I am not going to be around her very soon so I won't have to deal with that side of things.

[moonwalker86]

He is a lucky little boy. Too feel and know your love. My parents divorced when I was 4. My dad was physically abusive to my brothers, his step children and my mom. It sounded like it was pretty bad. I was too young to remember. I dont remember when my mom told me this was why they divorced. However, my dad always made sure to tell me he loved me and wasnt abusive to me. My dad and mom have remarried more than once and had many other relationships. I still to this day have the closest relationship with my mom and dad, not step parents. Relationships come and go but you will always have the love of your kids and vice versa. Its funny how that works out. Btw, both of my parents have taken pot shots at each other on occasion. I know the truth. They arent perfect. Both have their faults. Im lucky in that both of them are very much a part of my life 30 +years after the divorce!

 

That's nice to know and thank you, I cannot stop loving my child ever. I hope he's able to realise how trashy this new person in her life is but she will paint a wonderful picture to deceive him, unfortunately. Not much I can do about it right now. We told him about us separating, surprisingly he is taking it very well, the tears lasted a short while but he is being very understanding about it all.

[moonwalker86]

Therapy doesn't have to a lot of cost money. There are plenty of inexpensive to zero costs counselors out there. A lot of therapy isn't the one to two hour sessions with the therapist each month, it's the homework you do in between sessions. There's a wealth of information online, books, videos and support groups that can help you. You can even speak to a Skype therapist and pay with PayPal if you prefer.

 

You do have to cope, but we all do. Putting your energy into getting better will help you build more effective coping mechanisms for the future.

 

Thank you I didn't know they have skype counselors, that's news to me. I will have to see if there's anything available that fits my budget.

[road]

That's nice to know and thank you, I cannot stop loving my child ever. I hope he's able to realise how trashy this new person in her life is but she will paint a wonderful picture to deceive him, unfortunately. Not much I can do about it right now. We told him about us separating, surprisingly he is taking it very well, the tears lasted a short while but he is being very understanding about it all.

 

 

Because you are enabling your WW to lie to your child. You want him to know the truth, then you must tell him.