Obsession with the Not Quite Other Woman

[lakerking]

Well not sure if this fits into this category or in the marriage category, but let me explain. I don't have a 'other woman', but I'm being tempted. Is something wrong with me?

 

I've been married for 17 years with 2 children. Very happy in marriage, no infidelity issues, love my wife, things are good.

 

 

About 7 years ago, I was working with this very attractive woman. Ever since I've been married, I really have not even looked at other women, especially at work. There have been some walking the street where I would be like she's good looking but nothing more than that.

 

 

Well this woman took a liking to me. I mean romantically. I was very flattered but was not going to take the next step and cheat on my wife. But throughout my whole time working with her, I was OBSESSED with her! I couldn't get her out of my head. I mean it sounds crazy but that's how it was. It was like a fairy tale where the witch puts a spell on the guy to fall for the woman. I would have thoughts of leaving my wife and marrying this woman. Or thinking of some scheme of having her around as my lover. NUTS i know!

 

 

So what do I do, yes tell my wife. She was very cool about it. She trusted me not to go the extra step and have an affair and she did a pretty good explanation of what I was feeling. And I tended to agree. Basically I'd been married 10 years at that time, not really looking at other women, and then someone suddenly took an interest in me, and it rekindled some of those single man energies dormant for 17 years. They were say put on hold for 17 years and it was only natural for me to feel flattered.

 

 

I bought that. I think that was correct and dead on. But I still was OBSESSED with this woman! She got the idea I wasn't going to have an affair but I think she was lonely and still liked I was giving much attention to her. This went on for another nearly year until we stopped working together. It took me months to get her out of my head.

 

 

OK present day. I was at a conference last week. And guess who I see like 5 years later. Yes, that same woman. We exchanged pleasantries and such but nothing more than that. She told me she still was not married and working in the area.

 

So what happens, REMISSION! It was like the spell was put back on. I really am not sure why she told me she was still single. I had a brief obsession again with her after the conference ended. I looked her up on facebook, thought about those same feelings again about being with her etc....

 

 

It s been like a week now but i can't get her out of my head or those same thoughts. I don't want to tell my wife this time as I think she'll think i'm crazy. Why is this woman still in my head! I'm still thinking these thoughts!

 

So please, am I just going crazy? Are these feelings some kind of longing that I'm missing in my marriage? I love my wife, love my kids, love my family life. It couldn't be any better. I consider myself a very lucky man. So I am very CONFUSED why I am still obsessed after all these many years by this woman!

[lakerking]

I put this in the other forum, but wanted to also get opinions from this forum as well. Im sorry if this is against the rules :

 

 

I've been married for 17 years with 2 children. Very happy in marriage, no infidelity issues, love my wife, things are good.

 

 

About 7 years ago, I was working with this very attractive woman. Ever since I've been married, I really have not even looked at other women, especially at work. There have been some walking the street where I would be like she's good looking but nothing more than that.

 

 

Well this woman took a liking to me. I mean romantically. I was very flattered but was not going to take the next step and cheat on my wife. But throughout my whole time working with her, I was OBSESSED with her! I couldn't get her out of my head. I mean it sounds crazy but that's how it was. It was like a fairy tale where the witch puts a spell on the guy to fall for the woman. I would have thoughts of leaving my wife and marrying this woman. Or thinking of some scheme of having her around as my lover. NUTS i know!

 

 

So what do I do, yes tell my wife. She was very cool about it. She trusted me not to go the extra step and have an affair and she did a pretty good explanation of what I was feeling. And I tended to agree. Basically I'd been married 10 years at that time, not really looking at other women, and then someone suddenly took an interest in me, and it rekindled some of those single man energies dormant for 17 years. They were say put on hold for 17 years and it was only natural for me to feel flattered.

 

 

I bought that. I think that was correct and dead on. But I still was OBSESSED with this woman! She got the idea I wasn't going to have an affair but I think she was lonely and still liked I was giving much attention to her. This went on for another nearly year until we stopped working together. It took me months to get her out of my head.

 

 

OK present day. I was at a conference last week. And guess who I see like 5 years later. Yes, that same woman. We exchanged pleasantries and such but nothing more than that. She told me she still was not married and working in the area.

 

So what happens, REMISSION! It was like the spell was put back on. I really am not sure why she told me she was still single. I had a brief obsession again with her after the conference ended. I looked her up on facebook, thought about those same feelings again about being with her etc....

 

 

It s been like a week now but i can't get her out of my head or those same thoughts. I don't want to tell my wife this time as I think she'll think i'm crazy. Why is this woman still in my head! I'm still thinking these thoughts!

 

So please, am I just going crazy? Are these feelings some kind of longing that I'm missing in my marriage? I love my wife, love my kids, love my family life. It couldn't be any better. I consider myself a very lucky man. So I am very CONFUSED why I am still obsessed after all these many years by this woman!

[sandylee1]

Perhaps because it hasn't happened where anyone else made a move on you since marriage.

[Popsicle]

Your wife summed it up so perfectly because she's had the same thoughts and feelings herself.

 

She's just as bored with you too, buddy. But she loves you though.

 

If neither of you actually cheat, you're good, but your marriage would be even better if you two felt that strongly about each other.

[GollumsNightmare]

Tell your wife. Seriously. You love her. You dont want to hurt her. Tell her the truth and work it out together before you make a dumbass decision like going through with an affair.

 

My husband was in a slump, a bit of a midlife crisis. A female "friend" of ours/ coworker let him know she was "in love" with him. He later explained she was the "spark" that jolted him out of his depression. He enjoyed all of the attention and they were off to the races.

 

He "never thought I would find out". He told her how much he loved me. She told him "its ok, you can love to people at the same time"...

 

Fast forward two months. He was a manic mess. He was doing stupid things to get his "fix" with her. He almost lost everything. I caught them in bed together. His grown son found out and was disgusted by his hero father's behavior. The OW turned on him and told on him to his boss when he stayed with me instead of running off with her. His friends were so mad at him they wanted to punch him. (I had to talk two of them down from wanting to HURT him for hurting me). Our pastor found out. My sisters and their husbands. We are reconciling but no one really looks at you the same afterwards. Our best friends have distanced themselvrs from us. It is a mess.

 

Do you want to hear about the physical and emotional anguish it caused me, his wife? Lost my hair. Rapidly lost way too much weight. Ended up in the hospital because ghe stress overwhelmed my body. The list goes on and on.

 

I picture Dr. Phil asking my Husband "how's that working out for ya." All of this damage for a spark. A spark. Don't do it.

[GollumsNightmare]

You can change your life.talk to your wife about what is missing, seek counseling. Change up your life. Read marriage books. Go on a marriage retreat. Find new recreational things you can do together.

 

Tell your wife how you are feeling. Do not white knuckle this. Seek help.

 

You can work through most anything. If not, THEN divorce and date this woman if you are still interested in her. Do it the above the board way - not sneaking around with an OW.

 

Just to be totally above board here, I have been an OW. I have lived with the shame of that for a long time.

Edited January 9, 2016 by GollumsNightmare

[xxoo]

Focus on your wife and regenerating spark there. Put that romantic energy you're feeling to good use. Romance and appreciate your wife. The draw to the OW's flame will fade as your home fires grow.

[Ladyjane14]

Try reading a copy of What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal or The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Time for a marriage tune-up.

 

When you're thinking about someone else in the kind of context you've described, whether you realize it or not... you're making a comparison. As Gottman describes, these comparisons can be detrimental to your marriage, particularly when you're imagining what it might be like to be with someone other than your wife.

 

It's good that you were up front about this infatuation previously, but apparently, you didn't learn what to do about it. So, here you are again, experiencing the same difficulty. The books will put tools in your hands.

[road]

This is why NC, no contact is a must. Your attraction to her is an addiction. Do not even check her face book. That is breaking NC.

 

 

You run into her you avoid talking with her at all costs.

[bathtub-row]

This is someone that you obviously have a deep connection with, and a strong attraction to. Very, very hard to walk away from. But it's definitely not worth acting on. Just keep reminding yourself that if you actually did have an affair with her, it would create the biggest mess of your life and you would always regret it.

 

The truth is, this is just life. It's not always easy and it sometimes gets very messy inside our heads. It's also not in our genetic make-up to stay faithful to one person year after year, but neither is it in our make-up to be ok with our SO sleeping around. It's an instant conflict that is as old as time. As a thinking species, however, we have the ability to exercise wisdom by thinking scenarios through. So after you've slept with her (inside your head), take that scenario all the way to the end. It's not a pretty sight.

 

And please don't tell your wife. Enough is enough.

Edited January 9, 2016 by bathtub-row

[oldshirt]

This happens. There isn't anything more attractive or more tempting to a man than a healthy woman that is sexually attracted to him.

 

 

What you are experiencing is literally a chemical reaction. Her attraction and sexual receptivity to you gave you a dopamine dump in your brain and your brain got flooded with all of those endorphins and hormones that happens when we get sexually turbo-charged.

 

 

Now you understand why some people do cross the line.

 

 

But here's the thing - we are what we do. We are what we do, not what we know or what we feel.

 

 

The cosmos doesn't give a crap about what you feel or what you know or what you think. The universe (and ultimately your wife, your family, your coworkers, friends, community etc etc) only care about what you do.

 

 

If you physically act on these feelings and have a fling with her, then you will be a cheater, an adulterer and douchebag. Your wife will be in the right to livid with you and to leave you. Your kids will be in the right to think that you hurt and betrayed their mother and broke up the family. Your friends and coworkers will be in the right to think you are a jerk and that you think with your pants.

 

 

But if you reject the notion of being with her and just accept it as a temporary infatuation brought on by a chemical reaction (that we all have from time to time) and you don't act on these feelings - then you are a man of honor with integrity and strength who values his marriage and family and honors his wife. .........even if your little head is screaming at you to ravage this person.

 

 

Again, you are what you do, not what you feel. All of us have feelings and desires and kinks and ideas. A man of honor and integrity is not the man who does not have feelings for other women from time to time. Honor and integrity come from having the same feelings as everyone else but remaining faithful anyway.

[oldshirt]

.talk to your wife about what is missing,

 

 

.

 

 

 

There is probably nothing missing.

 

 

There is no reason to assume that there is anything wrong with his wife or his marriage. People get attractions and desires for other people periodically even if their marriage is fine. When some healthy attractive person comes on to us, it causes a reaction.

 

 

That reaction really has nothing to do with the state of the marriage, it really doesn't. It's just how people respond to someone they find attractive showing attraction to them.

 

 

Where things go haywire is a little voice inside us starts telling us lies to try to justify and explain our attraction to the other person and so that little voice starts telling us that our marriage is flawed or that our spouse is bad etc etc etc

 

 

This is why "rewriting history" is such a major part of infidelity. The WS often literally dreams up problems and issues and failings in the marriage that were truly not there prior to them becoming attracted to the AP.

[BetrayedH]

When the grass looks greener on the other side, it's time to water your lawn.

[GollumsNightmare]

You're right, Old Shirt.

[lakerking]

Thank you all of all your replies! I feel SO MUCH BETTER after reading your feedbacks.

 

You don't know how free and open I feel now. Its like just reading your responses broke the spell! I instantly don't care for her now. Everything makes sense now.

 

I hope I feel like this through the week. I will not look her up or even try to get in touch with her. What I have is too valuable to risk.

 

God Bless you all!

[burnt]

Ugh.

I feel awful reading your post.

I really do feel for you. I agree with OldShirt--it's just awful witches playing with awful chemicals inside your brain and you are paying the price.

 

I really hear you--you are fighting it. Kudos to you for telling your wife the first time around and kudos to her for the way she helped you.

 

You two are such an incredible loyal couple. You have done nothing wrong. It wasn't your fault this woman poped up again in your life.

 

Talk to your wife again. NC, stay active in your life, plan activities to distract the mind.

 

Good luck.

[Gloria25]

Ugh.

I feel awful reading your post.

I really do feel for you. I agree with OldShirt--it's just awful witches playing with awful chemicals inside your brain and you are paying the price.

 

I really hear you--you are fighting it. Kudos to you for telling your wife the first time around and kudos to her for the way she helped you.

 

You two are such an incredible loyal couple. You have done nothing wrong. It wasn't your fault this woman poped up again in your life.

 

Talk to your wife again. NC, stay active in your life, plan activities to distract the mind.

 

Good luck.

 

While I agree with some of your post ^^, it seems like you're vilifying the "not so quite OW" when it's the OP's issue.

 

Fact is, we're not dead. Walk down the street with your husband/wife, SO, gf/bf, etc. and you're gonna see 10 people smarter, hotter, etc than what you got. It's up to you to be wise enough to not jump on everything cuz it's shiny and new.

 

Maybe this woman at your work appealed to you cuz she had something that "got you" - like a particular hair color, mode of being, etc. We all have "something" that someone has that makes us attracted to them. Maybe she's the first woman that smiled to you besides your wife that you found attractive?

 

But sorry, I don't see no "magical" or "deep" thing you have with this woman. I mean, you haven't even taken her out for a coffee. You have "limerence" (defined below):

 

"the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship."

 

And you've built up this woman to such a pedestal and I bet the day you take her out for a coffee, you'll find out she isn't all that and you'll come back down to earth. But, since you hide and obsess about her, you're fueling some fire when probably nothing's there in the first place.

 

While I think it wasn't wise to burden your wife with this meaningless thing, at least your wife handled it well and was able to help you remember what you have (a wife, kids, commitment) and not waste your time over some fluff all created in your head.

 

So, you ran into this woman again? So what? You're just fantasizing and it ain't going no where. I suggest you don't burden your wife with this and let it go.

 

I've been the "not so quite OW" for over a year now and he still hasn't cheated/stayed and has no intention to. He can't even muster up the courage to have a two minute convo with me and you seem a lot like him. I think you're marriage will be ok and this woman means nothing to you - just like I mean nothing to him.

 

And, same way like some want to vilify "me"? I wasn't some "witch" that put a spell on him. I don't know what your wife is like, but the guy I'm into - I can see why another woman would get his attention - cuz his wife is seriously lacking in many areas (she's overweight, lazy, not so bright, and pushed for marriage/kids when he was just happy to have a gf). So, not sure what you deep down inside may feel is lacking in your marriage - but maybe you need to look at it and work on it instead of "vilifying" this "not so quite OW". Cuz, my dude does that a lot too...he'll post here on LS under pseudo profiles and talk how I'm a "cancer" he has to rid himself of and I feel sad and upset that he'd think so low of me - when I've done nothing to harm him and/or intend to - while his wife, IMO, is the one that's gonna be the misery of him in the long run.

[William]

Folks, due to a report, I merged a couple of threads on a similar topic. There may be some duplication of content. Please continue the discussion here. Thanks!

[dreamingoftigers]

Truly honestly, I've had infatuations during the course of my marriage.

 

How I deal with them is I shut it down internally once I become aware of it. I avoid the person (friendly, cordial etc. But I don't share stuff with them).

 

As well, that night I go home and do something special for my spouse. I make double-sure I'm investing in my marriage.

 

I find that often I don't love someone for "what they do for me" but how invested I am in THEM.

 

Also I try to figure out if something is bugging me. Or if I've been feeling a bit down lately. I know that at least some of it is hormonal.

 

Bluntly, since I've gotten pregnant I've had a constant urge to cheat. It's totally counter-intuitive.

 

I wake up feeling ridiculously horny in the mornings but also very tempted to hook up with someone, escape with someone, make my life more fun and have hot sex.

 

My marriage is the best its been in years and I'm pregnant. I know that a good portion of this IS hormonal and that it would be such a humiliating and destructive thing to do to my family. My father was a cheater. (Although it also turns out my mother cheated on h before marriage) No thanks. I've done enough dumb stuff in my life.

 

I have no desire to implode my husband's efforts or self-esteem, shatter my daughter's life or destabilize the foundation of the family for the new baby because my private parts are screaming for a constant pounding.

 

It'll dissipate, and if it doesn't I will go the distance finding other ways to deal with it.

 

My family deserves my A-game. Not outsiders. And not fantasies.

 

Always play the "long game." The "short game" is a high for a bit then a low you can't predict and usually lasts much deeper and longer.

 

To be honest, its a fragile conversation but I am debating about talking to my husband about it. I know that will shut it down super-fast. But I also don't want to push it on him if I can totally deal with it myself.

 

I think the difference between marriages that last and don't last is that many people would take the infatuation as a "sign" and "soulmates" and all of that junior high crap. So they dive on it and take it for a test run, only to discover that chemistry and attention is a drug, but not a long-lasting payoff. But by then its too late. Or they try a stupid balancing act "for the kids." Hah. Like screwing someone else and treating Mom/Dad like leftovers is "for the kids" LOL.

 

More mature people realize that this stuff will come up in the course of a life-long marriage. Great chemistry, a nice body and "someone that gets you" will come along. Maybe a dozen will come along. That's why we commit to one another.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you all of all your replies! I feel SO MUCH BETTER after reading your feedbacks.

 

You don't know how free and open I feel now. Its like just reading your responses broke the spell! I instantly don't care for her now. Everything makes sense now.

 

You need a realistic approach to real problems and this isn't it. A few posts from strangers on a forum don't "instantly" solve your problems.

 

You've been given some good advice on books and resources, you should at least invest the effort to read them. You're actually engaged in an EA, a very dangerous threat to your marriage. I'm surprised your wife has been so patient as I'd guess she senses something going on again.

 

You're in a dangerous place...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

You need a realistic approach to real problems and this isn't it. A few posts from strangers on a forum don't "instantly" solve your problems.

 

You've been given some good advice on books and resources, you should at least invest the effort to read them. You're actually engaged in an EA, a very dangerous threat to your marriage. I'm surprised your wife has been so patient as I'd guess she senses something going on again.

 

You're in a dangerous place...

 

I think people can mentally turn a corner just by seeing a problem from a different angle. This has happened to me several times. It's possible that he was thinking he was the Lone Ranger and then realized that it's a very common problem. You never know.

[Mr. Lucky]

You never know.

 

Can't disagree with that. But for someone who's been - on and off - obsessing over an OW for 7 years to the point where he describes it as an addiction, it's childish to describe yourself as instantly cured by reading a post.

 

The OP seems somewhat impulsive and unrealistic in his views of relationships, might be part of his problem in general...

 

Mr. Lucky

[burnt]

While I agree with some of your post ^^, it seems like you're vilifying the "not so quite OW" when it's the OP's issue.

 

And, same way like some want to vilify "me"? I wasn't some "witch" that put a spell on him.

 

WAIT ! You are absolutely right in a way, but ...

 

My apology, my sincerest apology, as I failed to communicate what I really meant in my post. Reading back on my own post, I see my language was vague and what I wrote sounds really different from what I tried to say.

 

Sorry.

 

I do not vilify this other woman. I don't see anyone as the 'bad' guy here. I simply wanted to express my sympathy for the OP for finding himself in a tough position.

 

When I said "awful witches", I meant "life" putting witchcraft spells on our minds sometimes and then we pay the price. So, I didn't even try to make a reference to this other woman.

 

I was trying to say, sometimes you see someone and feel completely under their 'spell', like an invisible witch (like damn CUPID) is playing with your head, but I don't mean it's the other person who's playing with your head.

 

Sorry again for miscommunication.

 

I'm glad you pointed this out. Thanks.

[lakerking]

Just wanted to say thanks again.

 

I did feel instantly better when I read the replies. I think maybe I kept it internal and struggled with it without telling anyone, that when I finally let it out and had others like all of you just listen to me and give advice, it took the whole burden off my shoulders. It was therapeutic to hear I was not alone and others have had similar experiences.

 

I seriously have a different outlook now on the whole thing. Like many of you said, it's fantasy. I thought about this woman now stepping back from the fantasy and see the experience in a more realistic light.

 

Back to the fairy tale analogy: it's now like the spell has been taken off and now I see the woman not as the beautiful princess but the witch (figuratively speaking) with all the warts and blemishes.

 

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying this is the end all of things and I"m cured. But I no longer feel that I have the temptation to take a risk that would ruin my life. Now if I run into her again will I feel this same way as I do now or will I regress? I don't know. But I have no desire now to check her on FB or any other form of communication.

Edited January 10, 2016 by lakerking

[BetrayedH]

Now is the time to put effective boundaries in place. I think it's wise to think of love as a choice, not a feeling. You can decide to invest yourself at home or you can decide to invest elsewhere.

 

In addition to the Pittman books that were recommended, I recommend the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It speaks artfully to this slippery slope you've been on. And it speaks just as well to strategies to enforce boundaries with yourself to prevent getting back on the slope.

 

You may feel cured, and I'm glad for this turn of events. But I'd suggest a little more investment into this fairly significant issue. The cost of a book and your time is a pretty small investment.