Difficulty due to very Specific Preferences

[searching1992]

You did say "could find such a great girl" referring to a virgin who is gorgeous.

 

Anyways, it matters because it's going to hamper you from many things in life like dating, having a relationship, exploring your sexuality and such relationships, and it is a very specific request and I'm sure it's based off something in your head that you are insecure about or similar.

 

 

Of course, you are assuming I'll never find such a woman. I guess I'm just an optimist, in this regard. I'm open to dating 18 year olds and I just can't believe every hot 18 year old had sex in high school and wouldn't be open to waiting until marriage with a guy she really liked. In addition to that, I'm sure there must be gorgeous Christian girls in their 20s who believe in waiting until marriage I could also date.

[AMJ]

 

AMJ, my main desire is to have the experience of us being each others' onlys.

 

Wanting to be someone's "only" in terms of sex, is ALL ABOUT OWNERSHIP. You don't understand this, because you haven't had sex yet.

 

It would be one thing to say, this is the type of woman I'm looking for, the type of woman I hope to find. But to say that this is the only type of woman you will even consider dating, is what is bothersome for everyone reading this.

 

Just because you've gotten a little "A" in your feminism class does not mean you understand anything about feminism. It means you can read and write a couple really great essays. And I can't even get started with your belief that your feelings are justified because many many doctors have said so. My guess is that you're not 100% honest with these doctors. They've told you it's fine to be a virgin, it's fine to want to wait till marriage, and it's fine to want to be with a virgin. But they do not know the extent of your fixation with this issue. It is a problem.

[AMJ]

I'm open to dating 18 year olds and I just can't believe every hot 18 year old had sex in high school and wouldn't be open to waiting until marriage with a guy she really liked. In addition to that, I'm sure there must be gorgeous Christian girls in their 20s who believe in waiting until marriage I could also date.

 

We all keep repeating ourselves. Yes you can find a hot 18 year old virgin. They do exist, by the truckloads I imagine. Will they have never made out with a guy?

Those hot 18 year olds do not exist by the truckload. People here have gone over, and over, and over this point. You would be lucky to find one such girl in your lifetime. And hope that she likes you.

 

And if she likes you, you then need to hope that she wants to wait until marriage. Or even that she wants to marry you. Who gets married before age 25 anymore? What if she wants to wait until she finishes college, that will make you 30 years old, still a virgin, still waiting to touch this girl's boobs. Honestly it's beyond weird what you're talking about.

[GunslingerRoland]

. Also, like I mentioned earlier, multiple therapists have seen nothing wrong with what I'm searching for.

 

A therapists job isn't really to tell you what you are looking for is wrong. Also I have a strange feeling you weren't as open about this with your therapist as you have been with us.

 

 

Anyway, you can say whatever you want, and like you said you don't need to justify anything to a bunch of strangers on a message board, but you can jump up and down and shout about how this is about morals or religious or common values. But really you just have some deep down desire to only be with a woman who has never been touched by another man. Like you said, it is similar to a desire to have a 3 some or fulfill any other sexual fantasy. Except that because of the nature of this want, a woman can only be at this stage once in her life. And you've decided to make it the driver into any single relationship you may ever consider.

 

 

And to emphasize, your want isn't wrong. But it is more of a fetish than a moral high ground and that is why you are starting to raise the ire of some of the woman here, and will can get the same feedback in real life.

[VeveCakes]

No I wasn't assuming that. But I'm 32 and been around the block and know that a first relationship hardly lasts especially when one partner has such a rigid outlook on sex.

 

So you may find it but it probably won't last. These are not the go to things to look for in a partner. There is so much more to enjoying someone's companionship.

 

For the record, virgins are not usually good in bed. Just a heads up lol

[searching1992]

A therapists job isn't really to tell you what you are looking for is wrong. Also I have a strange feeling you weren't as open about this with your therapist as you have been with us.

 

 

Anyway, you can say whatever you want, and like you said you don't need to justify anything to a bunch of strangers on a message board, but you can jump up and down and shout about how this is about morals or religious or common values. But really you just have some deep down desire to only be with a woman who has never been touched by another man. Like you said, it is similar to a desire to have a 3 some or fulfill any other sexual fantasy. Except that because of the nature of this want, a woman can only be at this stage once in her life. And you've decided to make it the driver into any single relationship you may ever consider.

 

 

And to emphasize, your want isn't wrong. But it is more of a fetish than a moral high ground and that is why you are starting to raise the ire of some of the woman here, and will can get the same feedback in real life.

I never said it was only a religious or moral thing. It is definitely also a deep down desire. It's both. Also, I was pretty straightforward with the doctors. I told them I would only marry a virgin and that it's non-negotiable. It wasn't discussed ad-nauseum like it is on here since they didn't try to tell me what a problem it is like some people on here are. I've brought this up on another message board and with my friends and plenty of other people didn't think it was this huge issue like some on here do.

 

Also, like I said before, it's not really virginity in and of itself I want. I desire being each others' onlys. That doesn't ever go away (well, so long as we don't divorce).

[normal person]

 

I desire being each others' onlys.

 

Why is this such a strong desire? You need to elaborate more so people can understand. For sex, I get it. Some people are religious, whatever. But kissing? No one, and I mean no one, puts that kind of premium on kissing. Kissing is a pretty universally acceptable, very innocent form of male-female interaction. You are the only person I've ever heard of in 29 years who would disqualify someone for having kissed someone else before. Why do you need this to be so "special?" By elevating this very ordinary, common, practice to such a venerable status, you're committing dating suicide. People kiss, even the religiously conservative. Mormons. It's an innocuous, socially healthy way to learn about the feelings of love and desire that everyone has. It helps to calibrate their feelings, expectations, and consciousness of those things. If someone never got the experience it, their views on it all would be incongruous to everyone else's and that would snowball and make them progressively even less likely to experience it as time went on because everyone would just think that person is odd or that there's something wrong with them.

 

 

This is your problem: The rest of the world has accepted kissing as commonplace in the dating world and doesn't bat an eye at it. You're the lone guy left on planet Earth who still equates the intimacy and celebration of kissing to the same level of marriage. The rest of the world doesn't do this (outside of maybe some Islamic communities). This is why you have your problem and had to start a thread about it. You're living in a different world than the rest of us. In your world, kissing is a huge, huge, deal. In everyone else's, it's not even worth mentioning. It's akin to shaking hands. The level of disparity between your social mores and everyone else's is insurmountable. Again, that's your problem.

[searching1992]

Why is this such a strong desire? You need to elaborate more so people can understand. For sex, I get it. Some people are religious, whatever. But kissing? No one, and I mean no one, puts that kind of premium on kissing. Kissing is a pretty universally acceptable, very innocent form of male-female interaction. You are the only person I've ever heard of in 29 years who would disqualify someone for having kissed someone else before. Why do you need this to be so "special?" By elevating this very ordinary, common, practice to such a venerable status, you're committing dating suicide. People kiss, even the religiously conservative. Mormons. It's an innocuous, socially healthy way to learn about the feelings of love and desire that everyone has. It helps to calibrate their feelings, expectations, and consciousness of those things. If someone never got the experience it, their views on it all would be incongruous to everyone else's and that would snowball and make them progressively even less likely to experience it as time went on because everyone would just think that person is odd or that there's something wrong with them.

 

 

This is your problem: The rest of the world has accepted kissing as commonplace in the dating world and doesn't bat an eye at it. You're the lone guy left on planet Earth who still equates the intimacy and celebration of kissing to the same level of marriage. The rest of the world doesn't do this (outside of maybe some Islamic communities). This is why you have your problem and had to start a thread about it. You're living in a different world than the rest of us. In your world, kissing is a huge, huge, deal. In everyone else's, it's not even worth mentioning. It's akin to shaking hands. The level of disparity between your social mores and everyone else's is insurmountable. Again, that's your problem.

It's fair enough to ask me to discuss not wanting her to have kissed, so I'll elaborate on that. Once more, I'm talking more about making out rather than just a kiss. I realize that line can get blurry, though. While I don't think it's as intimate as sex, I do view making out as very intimate and very intense. You're sucking on someone else's face and feeling them up for an extended period of time and getting one another incredibly aroused. It just doesn't seem far enough removed from sex for me to feel okay with her having done it before. We would still get to be each others' only literal sexual partners, but it would feel like she already had a somewhat comparable (though to a lesser extent) experience by having made out before. I just would have trouble viewing us as each others' onlys in that case.

[normal person]

While I don't think it's as intimate as sex, I do view making out as very intimate and very intense. You're sucking on someone else's face and feeling them up for an extended period of time and getting one another incredibly aroused.

 

You're the only one who assigns it that level of intimacy, though. Why? If you think something is a big deal, and 1000 other people tell you it's not such a big deal at all, wouldn't you start to question yourself?

 

"Incredibly" aroused might be a bit of a stretch. What's the problem with getting aroused? It happens and we, as humans, can't control it. A lot of times it happens without contact. Have you ever gotten aroused by seeing someone, or some other stimulus other than contact? Girls have too. Do you think they watch Magic Mike to appreciate the acting and artistic subtlety? Read 50 Shades of Gray for the character development and nuanced dialogue? You'd be naive to think that you'll be the only person on Earth who arouses her. Once you get involved with someone, she doesn't automatically stop thinking other men are attractive.

 

 

It just doesn't seem far enough removed from sex for me to feel okay with her having done it before. We would still get to be each others' only literal sexual partners, but it would feel like she already had a somewhat comparable (though to a lesser extent) experience by having made out before. I just would have trouble viewing us as each others' onlys in that case.

 

Why can't it be ok to have a comparable experience before? Do you have some jealousy problem? Why does it have to be so "special?" Why do you have to be each others' "onlys?" It's out of touch, impractical, and incongruous to the way the rest of society operates. As I'm sure many people have told you (and there are many more who could tell you the same thing), sexual stuff, in particular kissing, is not that special. It's commonplace. If you actually did some of it, you might realize how insignificant it is.

 

You're of course entitled to your opinions, but your problems stem from your opinions being so drastically different than everyone else's. Why does everything need to be "special?"

[GunslingerRoland]

I do view making out as very intimate and very intense. ...getting one another incredibly aroused....We would still get to be each others' only literal sexual partners, ... I just would have trouble viewing us as each others' onlys in that case.

 

 

I know you get offended when people suggest that this is about ownership. But it really is. You want Barbie fresh out of the box, untouched, unblemished, uncorrupted. That isn't the human experience.

[AMJ]

I know you get offended when people suggest that this is about ownership. But it really is. You want Barbie fresh out of the box, untouched, unblemished, uncorrupted. That isn't the human experience.

 

He won't admit it's about ownership because he knows that that would make it wrong. OP has a lack of self-awareness- which has led to his troubles with women and dating in general- and his inability to explain why this is all so important to him validates that.

 

I'd suggest another possibility, that if it's not about ownership, it's about the fact that OP is mortified of actually ever finding a real relationship. Maybe there are deeper reasons why he doesn't have all the sexual desires that most people begin experiencing early on in life, which lead us to start experimenting well before we turn 23. But maybe the prospect of finding real love is so terrifying that he's created these impossible circumstances, which means he can feel justified with not finding a real relationship.

 

Well, I tried to find a gorgeous virgin who has never touched another man, but I couldn't find her. Guess I'll just be single forever.

[losangelena]

OP, I think it's funny that you keep saying all you want is to get suggestions for where to meet women like this, yet here you are, happily debating anyone who would question your choices.

 

Listen, I know men like you, they're all very religious. But they did find their virginal brides. So, it's possible. But yes, your preferences fall outside the societal norm, and you will probably never be able to give a succinct enough "reason" for anyone/everyone here to be satisfied. Why waste your energy debating with a bunch of Internet strangers? Focus instead with getting involved in places where you can conceivably meet women like this. If that is what you want, that is the direction you should go, not endlessly debating the same point for almost a month. This is getting ridiculous.

 

And hey—normal person—Magic Mike was an excellent movie!

[WaitingForBardot]

Searching, I have an idea for you. A bit outside the box, but maybe not so far out in this day and age...

 

Write up a reality show script, tentatively titled "Never-been-kissed Virgin, seeking same", and market it to Bravo or O or one of the other cable channels. They would handle finding the beauties, verifying their claims, etc., and you would just have to select from the potentials. I'm absolutely serious.

 

I did fight training for awhile with a reality show producer; you would not believe some of the ideas that come across his desk. This one is not that far out...

 

Oh, and when it sells I'll settle for a modest 30% of gross... ..lol..

[searching1992]

OP, I think it's funny that you keep saying all you want is to get suggestions for where to meet women like this, yet here you are, happily debating anyone who would question your choices.

 

Listen, I know men like you, they're all very religious. But they did find their virginal brides. So, it's possible. But yes, your preferences fall outside the societal norm, and you will probably never be able to give a succinct enough "reason" for anyone/everyone here to be satisfied. Why waste your energy debating with a bunch of Internet strangers? Focus instead with getting involved in places where you can conceivably meet women like this. If that is what you want, that is the direction you should go, not endlessly debating the same point for almost a month. This is getting ridiculous.

 

And hey—normal person—Magic Mike was an excellent movie!

 

You're right. My first post stated I didn't want to get involved in a debate and I've let myself get dragged in. I believe I have satisfactory reasons for desiring what I desire and that's all that really matters. I could explain my views further, but that wasn't the point of my coming here.

It's almost comical to debate someone about what they want in a spouse. Everyone can claim that what you're looking for (whatever it is) is unnecessary while the people actually involved in searching for the relationship disagree. People are just different and look for different traits in spouses.

 

normal person, last thing I'll say on this is I've had some doubts over whether making out is so special I would reject a woman over it. That's why I've said I'm not 100% sure it's a dealbreaker. I realize movies and the such can arouse people. I think most people would agree that that's different than having a makeout session with someone (even if they would otherwise disagree with my views).

 

I think I need to work on becoming more outwardly religious and more comfortable with differebt types of Christianity. Like I said, this desire does also comes from a religious place. The problem is I'm just so uncomfortable in the type of settings where one can meet girls who might be religious enough to wait. Like I said, I'm not into the whole youth group/Christian rock/contemporary evangelical setting. Also, I worry about ridicule from friends and family over meeting a girl at such a setting. Every religious group I've found like that is along those lines, though. The denominations that fit closer to my beliefs have small congregations and not much going on (particularly for young people) beyond Sunday service.

[normal person]

Like I said, I'm not into the whole youth group/Christian rock/contemporary evangelical setting. Also, I worry about ridicule from friends and family over meeting a girl at such a setting.

 

If you're going to be the target of ridicule, it'll likely be because you're a 23 year old man who insists kissing needs to be "special," which sounds like something a Disney princess would say. From someone else's perspective, that's about as laughable as it gets. That's what's going to put you in the crosshairs, not the fact that you met a girl at a Relient K concert. If at 23 I had a friend who said kissing needs to be "special," the whole group would die laughing and would never let it down. Again, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just telling you how I see it unfolding. That's how the world works.

 

I wish you the best of luck, I just think you'd be better off with some perspective.

Edited February 4, 2016 by normal person

[losangelena]

If you're going to be the target of ridicule, it's likely because you're a 23 year old man who insists kissing needs to be "special." From someone else's perspective, that's about as laughable as it gets. That's what's going to put you in the crosshairs, not the fact that you met a girl at Relient K concert. Again, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just telling you how I see it unfolding.

 

I wish you the best of luck, I just think you'd be better off with some perspective.

 

Well ... to be fair, OP is not the only person in the world with these preferences, as strange as they may sound to many. I personally agree with you that some perspective would be beneficial, but he is where he is in life, and this perspective doesn't come in a vacuum. You or I may think it weird or a waste of time, but it's not necessarily a bad thing if OP faces criticism or ridicule for what he wants. People stand up to cultural difference all the time in the name of love and relationships.

 

My last ex was from a traditional Indian family; he would have gotten a lot of ridicule from his family had they known that he was dating at white American woman, but I don't think anyone would have told him, "hey, you should really just try dating Indian women." For him, the threat of ostracization was not enough to keep him from dating the type of person he wants.

 

OP is where he is. He is going to face opposition at every turn (this thread is already a great example!), and over time, depending on his success or lack thereof, he may change his mind/priorities. I too have been questioning him from the beginning of this thread, but at the end of the day, what you or I think about this doesn't really matter. OP will soon find out how realistic his goals are, but he needs to put himself in the game first.

[searching1992]

If you're going to be the target of ridicule, it'll likely be because you're a 23 year old man who insists kissing needs to be "special," which sounds like something a Disney princess would say. From someone else's perspective, that's about as laughable as it gets. That's what's going to put you in the crosshairs, not the fact that you met a girl at a Relient K concert. If at 23 I had a friend who said kissing needs to be "special," the whole group would die laughing and would never let it down. Again, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just telling you how I see it unfolding. That's how the world works.

 

I wish you the best of luck, I just think you'd be better off with some perspective.

 

True enough. I'm not ignorant of the fact people think my desires are strange. I don't have to tell people about what kind of sexual activities I am or am not doing, though. You're usually expected to answer the question, "How did you two meet?"

[Rejected Rosebud]

You're right. My first post stated I didn't want to get involved in a debate and I've let myself get dragged in. I believe I have satisfactory reasons for desiring what I desire and that's all that really matters.

I haven't read this whole thread, but I know what your preferences are, and that having them is causing you difficulty.

 

Since you are not willing to expand on your very specific (and rare) preferences, it's normal that you are going to have difficulty. Since you aren't budging, you just need to accept that maybe you won't find someone with all your specifications and who ALSO falls in love with you and you with her. It's a risk you are willingly taking.

[ZA Dater]

I think to some extent I understand why the OP has the preferences he has, not from a religious point of view but some a practical one.

 

Time and time again I read here about the premium ladies put on sex and what amounts to "good sex" whatever that may be.

 

The OP being a virgin could never give that "good sex" and despite what people here say "experienced doesn't matter", it does because if it didn't society and media would not put such an emphasis on sexual experience.

 

By seeking another virgin he is basically making sure he wont disappoint in the sex department because his partner will be similarly inexperienced. As a virgin myself I seek the same, if I sense someone has "been around", I am not going to even bother pursuing that person because I'd rather avoid the embarrassing bedroom situation.

 

The problem with that sort of specific preference is its very hard to find someone who is all round what you want.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Why is this such a strong desire? You need to elaborate more so people can understand. For sex, I get it. Some people are religious, whatever. But kissing? No one, and I mean no one, puts that kind of premium on kissing. Kissing is a pretty universally acceptable, very innocent form of male-female interaction. You are the only person I've ever heard of in 29 years who would disqualify someone for having kissed someone else before.

I guess you haven't watched the Duggars on TV. Certainly there is never any kissing or "frontal" hugging before marriage. They are never unchaperoned until they marry. They're not even allowed to hold hands. They aren't the only members of that cult, the OP can certainly join it and find girls who are on the same wavelength with that stuff.

[WaitingForBardot]

I guess you haven't watched the Duggars on TV. Certainly there is never any kissing or "frontal" hugging before marriage. They are never unchaperoned until they marry. They're not even allowed to hold hands. They aren't the only members of that cult, the OP can certainly join it and find girls who are on the same wavelength with that stuff.

Double-plus bonus with respect to my previous post, they're already on reality tv.

[normal person]

I guess you haven't watched the Duggars on TV. Certainly there is never any kissing or "frontal" hugging before marriage. They are never unchaperoned until they marry. They're not even allowed to hold hands. They aren't the only members of that cult, the OP can certainly join it and find girls who are on the same wavelength with that stuff.

 

No, I don't watch the Duggars. Isn't that the guy who molested his younger sisters? Sounds like they really practice what they preach.

 

I'm not sure why they're on TV but I imagine it's because of how unusual their practices are (?). If they behaved like a typical family then my guess is it wouldn't be quite as much of a draw. The point being, these people are outliers amongst outliers. A microcosm of society so small and unusual it warrants a tv show.

 

A few posts back there was a post suggesting he try and pitch his story to a reality tv producer. I'd watch the show. That's how it is, OP. Your provisos are so unusual that they wouldn't be out of place in that arena.

[searching1992]

[]

 

If anyone is curious, right now I'm working on getting out of my comfort zone to meet women through some of the means suggested.

Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted response to troll ~6

[losangelena]

[]

 

If anyone is curious, right now I'm working on getting out of my comfort zone to meet women through some of the means suggested.

 

Oh really? Like what?

Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quoted text ~6

[AceCutty]

Hello, forum.

 

I'm just going to be blunt and admit I have specific, unusual preferences. If you disagree with my preferences, that's fine. That's why you have your preferences and I have mine. The problem is I can't meet girls who match my preferences.

 

First, I'm waiting until marriage to have sexual contact (nothing besides light kissing until marriage). I'm looking for a girl who has never gone beyond light kissing before. Second, I'm picky about physical appearance. No, I'm not shallow and of course I'm looking for a girl who I'm compatible with mentally, as well. But, I find I'm only attracted to girls who are considered conventionally gorgeous. I'm just being honest.

 

I'm working to make myself appealing to such a girl. I work out and am in graduate school with the goal of having a solid career. I've been told I'm attractive. It's not as though I sit around doing nothing all day and am hoping a gorgeous girl will fall for an out of shape guy doing nothing with his life.

 

The problem is I never meet girls who have never had sex, let alone has only lightly kissed. On top of that, I can't find many girls I'm physically attracted to. Does anyone have any advice about where to find the type of girl I'm looking for? Please don't try and change my preferences or insult them. I'm looking for serious advice.

 

So it sounds like you're looking for a hot blonde girl that is also intelligent and a virgin.

 

And, of course, she needs to be into you and not in a relationship.

 

Good luck finding that anywhere in the world. Finding a woman that has had less than 10 sexual partners these days is a rare feat, no less everything else you're looking for.

 

Women are not what they used to be.