I'm pretty sure she cheated... Inner Monologue 2 Months Post-BU

[anonymousbear00101100]

Well it's been two months and two days since my awful, depression inducing, long distance toxic relationship ended. I haven't really let out my feelings in a post like this in a while, and my imagination is starting to run wild.

 

This past week I went out to lunch with a buddy of mine from my hometown. He asked if my relationship had ended and I said yes. He said "Oh good, because on Halloween, she came up to Guy 2 and started flirting with him hard core." This ended my month of happiness, and started a week filled with just sadness and reflection.

 

Basically I think she cheated. The story involves two guys. Here is the "evidence":

 

1. Two weeks after we broke up, she told me she had made out with Guy 1. She said they had started hanging out the day after we broke up. When I pointed out the convenience of that, she said "Yeah, I guess."

2. I asked her when she had made out with Guy 1, and she kept changing what day it happened. It was implied post break up, but she never really gave me a straight answer.

3. Prior to breaking up, she went from telling me she wanted to be with me forever to being distant very quickly.

4. When I brought this up, I asked if she had been talking to other guys. She said Guy 1 messaged her for help in a class, and some guy named Guy 2 messaged her after meeting her at a concert on Halloween. He asked her out, and while she said no, she continued talking to him. When I asked what they talked about, she said "Oh I forgot, and I deleted the messages."

5. When I went to check out Guy 2 on Facebook, she had hidden our relationship status (this was 4 days or so before we broke up). She claims she didn't know, but hidden isn't the default setting, so I have to assume she did it when these Guys started messaging her (or she started messaging them).

6. Now I have this story from my friend of her initiating the flirting.

7. She lied ALL the time. To me. To her parents. To anyone. It was just her thing. Lying.

 

Essentially, I believe in a moment of loneliness, she made out with Guy 1. She felt guilty and started to check out of the relationship. When she went to this concert, she started flirting with Guy 2. They both start messaging her and showing her attention. After I started picking fights with her about being distant and unaffectionate, she felt bad and decided it would be best to just end things.

 

At best, I'm pretty sure she was "emotionally cheating" on me with these guys. I always kind of figured that. At worst, she made out, or more, with Guy 1 while we were still dating.

 

To be honest. I'm just exhausted from all of this. I don't even know if I care. I thought I would be farther along at this point, not sitting in bed making up silly reasons to be upset that are probably untrue. The worst part is that I can't remember if I was happy in our relationship anymore. I go between angry to bitter to nostalgic when thinking about her. I'm so confused with my feelings, and I don't know how to view her anymore.

 

There were so many things both right and wrong with our relationship and I'm going through mental gymnastics all day trying to sort out the entire crazy two years. I'm exhausted and just want to be done thinking about it.

 

Part of me thinks she cheated and is furious. Part of me thinks she cheated and is indifferent about it since our relationship was going down anyways. Part of me believes that she truly was a wonderful person who wouldn't cheat, and that just makes me miss her.

 

Now I can't stop thinking about whether she was the one who made our relationship toxic and bad, or if I was the one. But I also so desperately want to look back on this experience fondly like so many people seem to be able to do. But I just feel so much spite towards her sometimes.

Edited January 9, 2016 by rjblak13

[anonymousbear00101100]

I think my problems just come down to being over curious about her life. I find myself constantly thinking about what she's doing, who she's with, etc. I need to learn how to stop worrying about her life and just focus on myself, but it's so hard sometimes. I constantly think back to our relationship and everything that went wrong and I kick myself for not doing better.

 

I really don't want her back and have no interest in texting her. I feel like I should be spending my college days happy and having fun, but instead I feel like I just go through the motions. I wonder how much longer this will last.

[itisdanielle]

I just skimmed through your post. I found out two weeks after breaking up with my ex that he cheated with a mutual friend of ours. To be honest, I wish I never found out. I spent weeks obsessing over whether they were together, looking at both of their social media pages for 'clues' and it honestly held me back so much.

 

I know it's hard when you're not sure, but whether she cheated or not - what would knowing do? I would say if it would really, honestly help you move on then you could try and find out. But you said she's a liar - so can you ever believe anything she says?

 

From what I read about her, it sounds like you're totally better off without her. So rather than looking at the possibility that she cheated, try to focus on these reasons why it's a good thing that she's out of your life.

 

Also, make sure you're complete NC if you're not already! It's the BEST thing I did for my healing.

[anonymousbear00101100]

From what I read about her, it sounds like you're totally better off without her. So rather than looking at the possibility that she cheated, try to focus on these reasons why it's a good thing that she's out of your life.

 

Also, make sure you're complete NC if you're not already! It's the BEST thing I did for my healing.

 

Yeah I've been complete NC for about a month now, and I'm definitely not interested in getting back together or breaking that NC. I just have so much morbid curiosity about what she's doing now or what she did during our relationship. I don't want to know but I want to know so bad. I just haven't figured out how to push those thoughts out of my mind yet.

[Itspointless]

I just haven't figured out how to push those thoughts out of my mind yet.

Pushing it away is not going to make you feel better. Feel and grief and slowly it will get better, I promise you. It takes as long as is needed, sometimes an awful lot of time. It can be hard, but know by reading here that you are not alone fighting that battle.

 

Take care.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Pushing it away is not going to make you feel better. Feel and grief and slowly it will get better, I promise you. It takes as long as is needed, sometimes an awful lot of time. It can be hard, but know by reading here that you are not alone fighting that battle.

 

Take care.

 

I guess this is the advice I would have given others, but never thought to give it to myself. Thank you, it helps to think of it this way.

 

It just sucks knowing how much I respected and cared for her, yet I always felt like she was in control, and I was walking on thin ice trying to keep us from breaking up. I guess that's what happens when someone breaks up with you multiple times and you keep going back.

[Itspointless]

I guess this is the advice I would have given others, but never thought to give it to myself. Thank you, it helps to think of it this way.

 

It just sucks knowing how much I respected and cared for her, yet I always felt like she was in control, and I was walking on thin ice trying to keep us from breaking up. I guess that's what happens when someone breaks up with you multiple times and you keep going back.

Love can do this to us, especially in relations where push/pull behaviour is present. We than get trained as if it were to fulfil those kind of behaviours that will get us the reward, meaning them.

 

Do not see it as weak though. This behaviour stems not only from the way we give meaning to our lives: the stories we told to ourselves and our dreams. It also has a neurochemical/hormonal basis, as our bodies are accustomed to keeping in balance. Obviously when they distance that balance needs to adjust, that obviously takes time.

 

I have been there a couple of times. Your sense of self is a good pointer, especially as you already know you went to far within this relationship!

 

Edit: I mean sense of self like I wrote below:

Sometimes we encounter a point where holding on is even more toxic than the pain of letting go. It is that moment when you realize that you really are breaking your sense of self over forces that are trying to keep you at a distance. The moment you start to be a stranger for yourself let go and distance yourself.

Edited January 11, 2016 by Itspointless

[anonymousbear00101100]

Love can do this to us, especially in relations where push/pull behaviour is present. We than get trained as if it were to fulfil those kind of behaviours that will get us the reward, meaning them.

 

Do not see it as weak though. This behaviour stems not only from the way we give meaning to our lives: the stories we told to ourselves and our dreams. It also has a neurochemical/hormonal basis, as our bodies are accustomed to keeping in balance. Obviously when they distance that balance needs to adjust, that obviously takes time.

 

I have been there a couple of times. Your sense of self is a good pointer, especially as you already know you went to far within this relationship!

 

Your quote was so perfect. In the immediate aftermath of our most recent breakup, I realized I had turned myself into a machine that only did things to please here, and let go of all the things that made me an interesting person.

 

And this was the case after each breakup. Breakups were not used so much for separating, but as a wakeup call. It's finally become apparent that no matter how much I try, I can't change enough to make her happy because I wasn't happy myself. It just stinks knowing that we weren't meant to be after all the great times we DID have between all the arguing. Moving on is hard for me.

[Itspointless]

Your quote was so perfect. In the immediate aftermath of our most recent breakup, I realized I had turned myself into a machine that only did things to please here, and let go of all the things that made me an interesting person.

 

And this was the case after each breakup. Breakups were not used so much for separating, but as a wakeup call. It's finally become apparent that no matter how much I try, I can't change enough to make her happy because I wasn't happy myself. It just stinks knowing that we weren't meant to be after all the great times we DID have between all the arguing. Moving on is hard for me.

I found in your first thread that you are still quit young. I was also 19 when my world really turned upside down: a very different reason. Now I am almost twice as old. Time really flies As hard some things can be it are lessons you will never forget and lessons that almost certainly will turn to worth. Although bad luck can always repeat. You have learned some really good things about yourself with here. She showed you the best of you and things you need to look closer to for yourself. Honour her for that, but choose what is healthiest for you in the long run: that isn't her. It will be important for you to discover why you let some of these things happen: why you let her run over you. Perhaps it is not hard for you to answer and perhaps you need some guidance with that by some coach or a therapist. That is in my view what you need to try to do.