Women's behavior after rejecting... [hypothetical]

[big dog]

Sounds a little like she's so self-centered and struck on herself that she's mad because her brushoff really didn't matter much...... gonna be a little vindictive now..

 

"hell hath no fury .......... "

[sambolini]

"hell hath no fury .......... "

 

Except she wasn't scorned. He was. He took it fairly in stride, which is what seemed to irritate her.

 

Some women still expect men they reject to want them. It's not that they will ever want the guy in return, they just want to be wanted. Fairly understandable human trait. But when that desire is taken away, they become anxious at its absence.

 

My ex wife fit that to a t. She left and wanted to see another man. Okay. So I moved forward with my life, and with each step I took to move on from her I met massive resistance. She didn't want me, but she still expected me to want her. When I stopped, it drove her nuts.

 

I think the OP is seeing a lighter version of that.

 

On a side note, I've had many relationships and sexual encounters develop after becoming friends with women. In fact, my current FWB started as just friends; we've never been in a relationship, and never want to get in one. She was cool, she thinks I'm cool, we had fun together as just friends, and decided to play around. We've been doing that off and on for almost three years now.

 

There's a lady at my work that I've been just friends with for a number of years. She became single recently, and has been somewhat flirtatious and initiating contact a more lately. I'm curious to see what (if anything) develops.

 

Perhaps the difference is that I never intended to do anything sexual with my FWB when I became friends with her, or this other lady I'm talking to. I became friends with them simply for the sake of being friends. But I do disagree with the notion that if I somehow change my mind and develop feelings for a woman I've been just friends with because she's a good person, that automatically makes me a "creep".

[preraph]

Don't mock us, we are trying to give you some insight.

 

She may have not felt "tricked" at all, since you said you were just "acquaintances".

 

The dissing can be her way of making sure you don't approach her about it again and I know why, trust me on this, from my experience there were A LOT of guys that did not take no for an answer when I just carried on like nothing happened.

 

We get a lot of threads on here of guys saying "she is still nice to me, I don't get it that she said no to me. Do I still have a chance? What can I do to change this? I still think there is hope if she spends more time with me." UUUUUGGGGHHHH!

 

You may feel our way of thinking is way off, but you are not being perused all the time. It's a different pair of shoes, that men can't wear.

 

Yes, and it adds insult to injury that the men who won't take no or being ignored for an answer have chosen to disregard our decision entirely and totally minimize that in favor of their own wants, regardless of the extreme discomfort it causes us. And they think that's love.

[preraph]

Ever man should be required to write that 10 times a day for a year upon reaching the age of sixteen.

 

You can't woo a woman like you would saddle a skittish horse, moseying up slowly, whistling and pretending that's not a saddle in your hands, and suddenly tossing it over the horse's back.

 

Thank you. This completely resonates with me because 1) I used to train a pony or two and 2) A guy I actually liked got it in his head one time that I was a skittish filly and totally put us into a stalemate from which we never recovered.

[preraph]

I guess I never thought that I was trying to be her 'friend', I guess I never really thought about it at all...although this didn't stop me finding her attractive and wanting to be around her.

 

It seems very 'black and white' to look at as a relationship as either 'friends' or 'romantic partners'. What about 'friends with benefits' and 'one night stands' etc. There are many shades of grey and this kind of 'black and white' labeling only seems to limit the options.

 

But I am learning. I guess in future I will be more direct and upfront initially.

 

I didn't really have it in my head that if a woman (especially one that I know) ignores my messages like this, she is not interested. Once again, the rejection is not necessarily an issue. I know that cliches like 'I am busy' or 'I am washing my hair' mean a lack of interest. The are subtle but I understand that it is a reflection on the woman rather than me.

 

I just need to add ignoring to my mental catalog of signals and remember it means the same as these cliches so as soon as it happens, I can drop the woman in question and move on to someone more worthwhile.

 

What is wrong with that sentence? I'll tell you what. You would do such a thing. You would play games and ignore trying to spark interest. So you are projecting YOU onto HER, and she's not you. It's a common mistake to assume people think the same way you do. This is why serial cheaters are usually also very jealous: because they assume that if they would take any cloistered opportunity for a quickie, so would every woman.

 

This person is not interested. She's not being coy. She's not playing games like you would do and hope she's doing. And you trying to play coy now will only give her momentary relief that you've let up and then make her sorely disappointed when you reapproach.

[serial muse]

Sending the odd text message...lighthearted, asking how she is (just general chat). She just stopped replying (ignoring me). For what it is worth, the girl in question approaches me to talk after the event to be friendly and chat (and even acts flirtatiously at points). I do not approach her.

 

I could be all pi$$y and avoidant...be annoyed with her and demonstrate it to her. But I don't, I just carry on as normal and assume that my texts were no big deal anyway...they (and her choice to ignore them and me) are not even mentioned.

 

She then engages in the 'dissing' behavior when in front of an audience. I have not acted disrespectful or overly forward with her.

 

OP, I've read all your posts here and I have to admit - I still don't have a clear picture of what you said to her to indicate interest or exactly how she responded. From the above, I gather that AFTER you originally indicated interest and she originally responded however she did at the time, she THEN continued to approach you at common events, plus you continued to text friendly, lighthearted texts that she didn't respond to. But for some reason you're annoyed at her and writing her off even as a friend, even though she's apparently making an effort to be friendly by approaching you in person (?). And how are you responding when she does that? If everybody's being friendly, who cares if she responds to random texts, unless you're specifically asking her a question that she doesn't answer? Friends don't tend to care about whether their friends respond to chitchatting over random texts; only significant others do, and you're supposed to be accepting that that's not happening with her. So maybe lighten up on the texting anxiety?

 

This is the problem with these "hypothetically speaking" threads...you end up not really knowing what happened, so the advice given is more a reflection of posters' own personal experiences than your original event. It's hard to know how to advise you effectively when we don't really know the details. It would help a lot just to say directly what the heck you said in the first place and then what she said back!

Edited January 12, 2016 by serial muse

[Radu]

Yeah common mistake dude. Trying to warm up to a woman in "friendship" never ends well. I mean it may seem obvious to us that we like a woman and are taking our time. But they somehow always manage to feel blindsided. One thing I've learned in my years of experience is that you should separate women into two categories. 1) Women you want to date that you ask out right away. 2) Women you're fine being actual friends with that you never pursue.

 

But to add to the topic, the one area I think women get it wrong in rejection is when they do it with compliments. I think why some guys keep getting rejected over and over is these compliments re-enforce bad behavior. I mean think about it. A guy is told by countless women how nice, great, wonderful, etc he is. That he'll make some other lucky woman happy. Yet he never has any luck. Imagine if a few of those women had been tactfully honest and given advice on what they're actually attracted to. So my advice to women rejecting a guy would be not to say how nice he is, etc.. Just be tactfully direct and honest.

 

To add to this, this is why if you are a guy, getting involved with a woman in your work environment is like walking in a mindfield in the middle of winter with the biggest boots you can get with the bottoms made of metal ... just asking for a damn disaster.

 

Having this as a rule, or other such rules about dating in your circle will save you a lot of headache long term because when they turn b*tchy, they will first badmouth you to everyone in earshot, never admit responsability if they realize later they were wrong, and reactions like you are describing OP, are what happens while you have to do the 'honorable' thing and not do/say anything, or just leave the place/social circle/job.

You are the one who takes the hit for their ego.

[eye of the storm]

Considering how evasive you started this thread "hypothetically speaking" when it was an actual event, makes me wonder how accurate your side is. You say a few friendly texts...how many is a few to you.

 

If someone tells me they are not interested but I want to stay friendly with them, I would decrease contact with them for a bit to let the awkwardness die down and then see how in-person contact goes and if all stays well, then I might (probably not though) start with a text to resume the friendship.

[RedRobin]

TBH, it's only much older men who thought they could put the moves on me after gaining my trust as their friend.

 

Yea, it feels like a betrayal.

 

So, what is the age difference here? Weight difference? $$ difference? Values difference?

 

Most women won't blow a guy off for dating unless there are some big differences... I wouldn't, at least. When a guy who is old enough to be my dad, or has x number of DUIs and unemployed... Who I would be nice to but never date tries to ask me out or make moves...Yea, I'd be thinking WTF? And work extra hard to make sure it didn't happen again.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Yea, it feels like a betrayal.

 

So, what is the age difference here? Weight difference? $$ difference? Values difference?

 

Most women won't blow a guy off for dating unless there are some big differences... I wouldn't, at least.

I would. That is why I have good guy friends. They are great and we have a lot in common, but there is no romantic connection. So a REAL friendship develops, and then when they try to move that into a romantic or sexual relationship, yes, it feels like betrayal. Like they were only PRETENDING to be your friend.

[RedRobin]

I would. That is why I have good guy friends. They are great and we have a lot in common, but there is no romantic connection. So a REAL friendship develops, and then when they try to move that into a romantic or sexual relationship, yes, it feels like betrayal. Like they were only PRETENDING to be your friend.

 

If there weren't big differences, then you'd date him. There are big differences, so you don't date them.

 

People can still be friends. I agree.

 

A lot of guys are still told to give it a shot regardless of the differences, which I don't agree with. It does feel like a betrayal, and I never trust that guy again quite as much. Depending on the circumstances, I may cut contact altogether.

[Rejected Rosebud]

If there weren't big differences, then you'd date him. There are big differences, so you don't date them.

NO. There are not big differences, except for the physical chemistry part.

[RedRobin]

NO. There are not big differences, except for the physical chemistry part.

 

Hmmm, yea I don't have any attractive, similar age, self sufficient men as friends unless I was friends with his wife or girlfriend first. If that guy is single, I am dating him.

 

I'm not sold on the whole 'physical chemistry' thing. That's just people's dysfunction talking. Dig deeper. If she isnt attracted to the guy, and she is emotionally healthy, it's because there are big differences in lifestyle, communication, age, appearance... Something.