Women's behavior after rejecting... [hypothetical]

[Wewon]

There was a thread recently where a guy was wondering why a woman was on a dating site saying that she was looking for friends.

 

On that thread, it was suggested that he use the friendship as a pretense to show that he wasn't a player or liked her for her mind or something or other and if he wasn't willing to go that route then his intentions must have been pretty diabolical.

 

My point to the OP is this, you're never going to figure out why women run hot and cold, there will always be a rationalization. Its best simply to shake off these reactions and move on. A week after rejecting you another guy will approach the same woman in the same manner and she will be over the moon with excitement, and if question she will refuse to acknowledge any inconsistencies in her behavior.

[smackie9]

Well smackie, I did say "tactfully honest". Not blunt honest. There's a difference. I mean obviously if you're extremely blunt that can lead to backlash. Also, of course there are guys that aren't well adjusted and will throw temper tantrums.

 

But I truly believe that the average guy that's well adjusted would rather have tactful honesty over some lame blow off cliche like being told how nice or wonderful he is. Let's say you had a date w/kiss permission guy. He asks to kiss you, you get turned off at the lack of confidence, and don't want to see him again. Then he asks you out. You simply say "I just didn't feel a connection. But for what it's worth, I wish you wouldn't have asked permission".

 

Something like that gives helpful advice but isn't overly rude. At least that way he can improve for future women.

Honesty can be taken differently.....I was never RUDE btw. People just get their back up about it no matter what. And yes I was in THAT situation, and they just started criticizing me, that I shouldn't judge them so harshly blah blah blah.

[lana-banana]

Here's a useful tip for human interaction in general: you can't control how other people behave. There's no point in being angry with someone for not meeting your personal standard of conduct. So this girl is slightly rude and immature. Who cares? Unless they're your spouse, employee or child, they aren't accountable to you. When I was younger I spent far too much time agonizing about why oh why someone couldn't be direct, why wouldn't he just reject me to my face instead of playing some elaborate back-and-forth? The truth is the "play" was all in my head. I could have saved so much time and energy if I just realized there was no blood in that stone and moved on.

 

If someone is not openly and consistently demonstrating they want to be with you, they don't want to be with you. Don't devote more attention to anyone than what they give you in return.

[Brapting]

So damned if we do, and damned if we don't. The attitude will never change eh?

 

I did acknowledge that I could have done things differently. A woman saying that she is 'busy' when a date is suggested is universally understood to be a 'brush off', but if delivered considerate and respectfully enough by the woman being asked, it can come across as subtle and 'pride-saving' for the guy asking.

 

This is much better than the unpleasant flaking and ignoring (although this is on me in this instance for not being direct with her).

 

I have wondered whether what you have written is just something some women say to justify their selfish lack of respect and consideration for men's feelings combined with a desire to stroke their own ego.

[smackie9]

On the flip side of things, since I'm off the market...when I do get approached, I don't just flat out reject them, I applaud them on their confidence, and give them a few pointers before sending on their way.

[smackie9]

I did acknowledge that I could have done things differently. A woman saying that she is 'busy' when a date is suggested is universally understood to be a 'brush off', but if delivered considerate and respectfully enough by the woman being asked, it can come across as subtle and 'pride-saving' for the guy asking.

 

This is much better than the unpleasant flaking and ignoring (although this is on me in this instance for not being direct with her).

 

I have wondered whether what you have written is just something some women say to justify their selfish lack of respect and consideration for men's feelings combined with a desire to stroke their own ego.

It's a two way street...guys do it too.

[phineas]

Yeah common mistake dude. Trying to warm up to a woman in "friendship" never ends well. I mean it may seem obvious to us that we like a woman and are taking our time. But they somehow always manage to feel blindsided. One thing I've learned in my years of experience is that you should separate women into two categories. 1) Women you want to date that you ask out right away. 2) Women you're fine being actual friends with that you never pursue.

 

 

This is how I normally do it.

I have women friends I never put the moves on or ask on a date.

They are always HOT but at my age chicks carry a LOT of baggage & I want no part of it so I guess I friendzone them.

I normally only hang in a group.

 

Eventually every woman friend i've had started acting weird around me.

Usually when drunk.

At the end of the night when everyone is gone they would get handsy or try to kiss me and I just nicely avoided the situation because they were drunk.

but if whatever issue they had that kept me from dating them in the first place are behind them I bring it up next time she figures out a way to get me alone and isn't drunk.

And trust me.

When a woman wants to get you alone on the sly she will employ mission impossible tactics to make it happen I've learned. LOL

 

Then we end up having sex. LOL!

 

Afterword they pull the "I can't believe we did that" "it feels weird being romantic with you" ect. when i make a legit attempt to date them. They get "busy" brush me off, get distant, avoid me.

 

Then can't decide if they want to talk to me or not, want to flirt with me or be mad at me throughout the week over text.

 

But when we hang in a group, they always pull me close (real close) for group pics and flirt with me a little.

 

At that point I decide they like me & i'm good enough to have sex with but not date & just treat them like friends again.

 

I don't get mad or anything. I'm always confused because they did a damn good job of making themselves out to be the "good girl" that doesn't hook up and only sleeps with men they are legit dating.

 

It does suck if you like them and have a lot in common but oh well.

 

Sometimes though when they are lonely......

Edited January 9, 2016 by phineas

[smackie9]

Hey everyone wants or needs a little lovin between relationships.....

[Brapting]

It's a two way street...guys do it too.

 

I suppose it depends on the person.

 

I have only really had it once. A woman text me after we had been out in a group. She text me late at night saying that she liked me.

 

I was so terrified of hurting her feelings, that I posted on a forum like this and asked people what to say! Thankfully a poster suggested something about being friends and I text this back.

 

The next day she apologised by text and said she was really drunk. I told her not to worry about it. Things were a bit unusual at first, but we seemed to return to being friendly and pleasant. I must admit, I was keenly aware of what she had said though.

[Brapting]

Hey everyone wants or needs a little lovin between relationships.....

 

Well as I have 'written off' the woman I originally posted about in my head now and have no expectation of anything happening, maybe I should just 'friendzone' her while I pursue others...

 

after all...I have been ambiguous and indirect enough with my behaviour and intentions.

[lana-banana]

Well as I have 'written off' the woman I originally posted about in my head now and have no expectation of anything happening, maybe I should just 'friendzone' her while I pursue others...

 

after all...I have been ambiguous and indirect enough with my behaviour and intentions.

 

I don't think anything you've described thus far on your end has been "ambiguous and indirect", but hey, why not.

 

PS: the sooner you get the term "friendzone" out of your vocabulary, the better.

[truth_seeker]

I will tell you why...she feels lied to/deceived, that the friendship was a sham. You used friendship as a cloak so you could get closer to her. How do I know? because that is exactly how I felt, when guys pretended to be my friend.

 

I treated them like crap to eliminate those feelings they had for me.

 

Interesting analysis. I remember I was interested in this girl (she gave me her number but told me she had a boyfriend and there could be an opportunity down the road). As much as I liked her, it killed it for me. This guy pulled me aside and told me: "be friends with her". I responded, "what's the point?" He said: "Always be friends with girls. They will get comfortable with you and might give you some play."

Edited January 9, 2016 by truth_seeker

[smackie9]

Interesting analysis. I remember I was interested in this girl (she gave me her number but told me she had a boyfriend and there could be an opportunity down the road). As much as I liked her, it killed it for me. This guy pulled me aside and told me: "be friends with her". I responded, "what's the point?" He said: "Always be friends with girls. They will get comfortable with you and might give you some play."

OMG lol that has an "ick" factor to it. What a weasel lol.

[Brapting]

I don't think anything you've described thus far on your end has been "ambiguous and indirect"

 

Lol. Now I am curious. How so? I will be taking notes!

 

Are you saying that a guy and a woman cant just be friends? What is wrong with the odd text asking if she is okay? Maybe I do this with all my female friends and I am just being social and considerate...how would she know any different.

 

This is why I enjoy (and will enjoy) playing down the whole thing by continuing my friendly, relaxed and comfortable (but largely disinterested) demeanour with her. Assume that I was never really asking anyway...therefore there was nothing to reject.

 

Why not introduce a little doubt and imply that she may have interpreted my intentions incorrectly in the first place? Even if her behaviour was an attempt to reject.

[smackie9]

Interesting analysis. I remember I was interested in this girl (she gave me her number but told me she had a boyfriend and there could be an opportunity down the road). As much as I liked her, it killed it for me. This guy pulled me aside and told me: "be friends with her". I responded, "what's the point?" He said: "Always be friends with girls. They will get comfortable with you and might give you some play."

A guy did the same thing to me...no one likes to be on the back burner. I felt sorry for his GF, that he would be collecting girls for later.

[thecrucible]

But I truly believe that the average guy that's well adjusted would rather have tactful honesty over some lame blow off cliche like being told how nice or wonderful he is.

 

It can be hard to be 100% honest with rejection. To me I would feel kind of arrogant like "who am I to tell a guy what to do?". I don't trot out the clichés though as I think it's really fake to say to a man "you're a wonderful guy" and then reject him (I too have heard that line from a man before). Basically I respect the guy enough not to use a cliché which will insult him. Usually if I don't feel it's going anywhere it's because I don't think we have enough in common or there's not enough chemistry between us and I really am telling the truth when I say that. Usually the guy has done nothing wrong and it just is what it is and I try and make him aware of that.

 

Actually I do get honest sometimes, with the jerky ones. I just can't help myself. I guess I fit my Scorpio astrology when I just can't help but rip into them when I feel wronged. I would probably avoid this now and move on quietly but a couple of times I just couldn't help myself. Sometimes I feel embarrassed about it; other times I just think that if it's an arrogant guy who hasn't treated you very well then his ego could do with a bit of a knock. (oh dear that sounds pretty bad, actually!)

[Robratory]

Man shows interest in female friend. Female friend 'brushes off' man.

 

Man immediately takes it in his stride and continues to be confident, relaxed, upbeat and self assured (there is no in-between where the guy is visibly reeling from the rejection). Man interacts with the female respectfully and friendly like with no hard feelings.

 

Female becomes quite bitchy, mean and disrespectful towards the guy. She calls the guy out in front of other people and generally tries to portray him as worthless.

 

My question is why would a woman behave like this?

 

Because people are nuts. But why does the man continue in contact with this woman? And why is the man hunting so close to home? It's much better for the man to put the moves on women not in his close social circles. That way, if they reject him, he'll never see them again anyway.

[Robratory]

Yeah common mistake dude. Trying to warm up to a woman in "friendship" never ends well.

 

Ever man should be required to write that 10 times a day for a year upon reaching the age of sixteen.

 

You can't woo a woman like you would saddle a skittish horse, moseying up slowly, whistling and pretending that's not a saddle in your hands, and suddenly tossing it over the horse's back.

[thecrucible]

Ever man should be required to write that 10 times a day for a year upon reaching the age of sixteen.

 

You can't woo a woman like you would saddle a skittish horse, moseying up slowly, whistling and pretending that's not a saddle in your hands, and suddenly tossing it over the horse's back.

 

Well it sucks if a guy pretends to be your friend but has a romantic interest in you. You kind of feel used. I also hate when men I've dated for a couple of dates say "let's be friends" but don't mean it but when getting to know me have said something along the lines of "I don't mind if we don't end up together. I'll be happy being friends" or something like that. It just annoys me and makes me think the guy is a really fake person. I have male friends who have wanted to date me in the past but we get on okay as friends and they no longer try moves on me.

 

If a guy tries to date me by being friends with me first I am genuinely taken aback as I have never seen him at all in a sexual light and it just ends up feeling unnatural and wrong.

[Brapting]

Well it sucks if a guy pretends to be your friend but has a romantic interest in you. You kind of feel used. I also hate when men I've dated for a couple of dates say "let's be friends" but don't mean it but when getting to know me have said something along the lines of "I don't mind if we don't end up together. I'll be happy being friends" or something like that. It just annoys me and makes me think the guy is a really fake person. I have male friends who have wanted to date me in the past but we get on okay as friends and they no longer try moves on me.

 

If a guy tries to date me by being friends with me first I am genuinely taken aback as I have never seen him at all in a sexual light and it just ends up feeling unnatural and wrong.

 

I guess I never thought that I was trying to be her 'friend', I guess I never really thought about it at all...although this didn't stop me finding her attractive and wanting to be around her.

 

It seems very 'black and white' to look at as a relationship as either 'friends' or 'romantic partners'. What about 'friends with benefits' and 'one night stands' etc. There are many shades of grey and this kind of 'black and white' labeling only seems to limit the options.

 

But I am learning. I guess in future I will be more direct and upfront initially.

 

I didn't really have it in my head that if a woman (especially one that I know) ignores my messages like this, she is not interested. Once again, the rejection is not necessarily an issue. I know that cliches like 'I am busy' or 'I am washing my hair' mean a lack of interest. The are subtle but I understand that it is a reflection on the woman rather than me.

 

I just need to add ignoring to my mental catalog of signals and remember it means the same as these cliches so as soon as it happens, I can drop the woman in question and move on to someone more worthwhile.

Edited January 10, 2016 by Brapting

[Redhead14]

I am speaking a little in hypotheticals here:

 

Man shows interest in female friend. Female friend 'brushes off' man.

 

Man immediately takes it in his stride and continues to be confident, relaxed, upbeat and self assured (there is no in-between where the guy is visibly reeling from the rejection). Man interacts with the female respectfully and friendly like with no hard feelings.

 

Female becomes quite bitchy, mean and disrespectful towards the guy. She calls the guy out in front of other people and generally tries to portray him as worthless.

 

 

My question is why would a woman behave like this? She brushed him off so surely she has no right to feel and act like this? Does she not understand that her judgement is just her judgment. It has nothing to do with objective reality, the guys opinion of himself and other people's opinion of him.

 

Why would a woman try to sabotage a man like this after she had done the rejecting?

 

Because she likely wanted you to be so attracted to her that you would chase after her. She is immature and wants attention. Don't feed it. I doubt anyone else is either. Keep moving. Even if you did what she hoped you would do, you'd be miserable.

[truth_seeker]

A guy did the same thing to me...no one likes to be on the back burner. I felt sorry for his GF, that he would be collecting girls for later.

 

I didn't like the idea I had to wait while she was having sex with this other guy. Kinda like some guy handing me a half-eaten sandwich saying I can have the rest. No thanks.

[Rejected Rosebud]

However, all of this aside, her behaviour is making me think that either:

 

1.) She has decided that I am a 'loser', that this is the reason for her rejection and that she is so insecure, that she needs everyone else (including me) to believe in my own lack of value and worth so that she can justify the choice to herself and feel that she has made the right decision.

2.) She wants to groom me as an 'orbiter'

3.) She thinks that she is the best thing since sliced bread and she is annoyed that I am not devastated by her 'brush off'

4.) She is trying to 'put me off'

5.) She is trying to 'game' me

6.) She is just a rude, immature, judgemental and unpleasant person

 

...none of these are good and I should probably be thanking my lucky stars that I dodged the bullet!

That list doesn't make sense; for example how can you think she is "EITHER" brushing you off, or grooming you as an orbiter? It would be one or the other, can you read social cues at all?

 

Maybe she's mean [] or whatever, what's the difference? She is not a person really in your life and she has made it clear she is not interested in you so I think it's best you stop trying to figure her out and just accept that. Move on!

Edited January 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[joystickd]

When it happens just distance yourself. She could have handled the situation with more maturity. As a man you come across women like this. They thrive for the attention whether good or bad. Best thing to do is never entertain the drama

[oldshirt]

Lol. Are you saying that I should pretend to be more disappointed by the rejection.

 

No I am saying no such thing.

 

My suggestion is to forget about her, go on about living your life to the fullest and don't have anything to do with her.

 

If you drive by her driving down the street and she waves. It's fine to wave back. I wouldn't do anything more than that though.