Fear of marriage due to parents

[Skot02]

So, just like the title suggests, I have a fear of getting married and even having kids, although I want both.

I have been with my bf for 4 years and this talk has come up many times not only from him but from family as well, but I always respond so...awkward and try to change the conversation.

I have been through a lot with my family, both my parents drink, my mother has been divorced twice, I have 2 brothers but only for a sort period of time we have lived together, my mother has also had an affair ...

In my family(mother,father,stepfather,2 brothers and the extended family) every outsider says that I'm the saner one and I always play the psychologist, the referee and the diplomat. It's actually very tiring. Through every problem I was put in the middle and I was supposed to take care of everyone.

So as you guessed it, I have problems of my own. Even though I want to continue being with my bf I am afraid of making my own family because I don't want to become like anybody I know and I don't have any good example to follow.

For example, if I were to get married I would like first to have a stable career and be financially independent because I have seen the results of not having one.

I have so many fears, because everybody says that eventually you turn up like your mother. I don't drink, I freeze when somebody yells, and I always start by serving others.

But I want to get married and built a life with my SO whom I love so much and he loves me back. He is definitely thinking about marriage but is willing to wait for me to feel ready.

Kids of course are a whole other issue that I don't even know were to begin. I think that I would have to read a hole lot from what I have read till now on being a good parent, and having a good marriage.

In the future I would like to go to therapy, but for now I would like to ask you what do you think I should do about my fear?

I don't want to come a point were it will jeopardize my relationship.

Do you think that I should just dive in?

I really don't want to fail at this.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

[d0nnivain]

Stop putting off therapy.

 

 

Also start going to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. Adult Children of Alcoholics

 

 

The unpredictability of what the drunk parents will do next skews how we ACOA's view the world. The meetings will help you understand your fears which is the 1st step to overcoming them.

[bathtub-row]

Your crazy family has actually done you at least one small favor. They have taught you to be very cautious about getting married. And you should be. Do not get married until you feel ready and certain.

 

If you read all the stories on this site, you'll see that there are a huge amount of marriages that are truly not good. Think about the people you know who are married. Most of the ones I know are either miserable or would be very happy to get out.

 

In order for a marriage to even think about being successful, both parties must be respectful, have a deep friendship, mental stability (or similar mental likeness), and have things in common. A lot of people think that love is the key factor, but it's not. When those other ingredients disappear, love will either disappear or it will no longer be a factor.

 

As far as having kids, that's another huge responsibility. You should think very hard about why you want them. If you don't feel really committed to the idea, then re-think your goals.

[oldshirt]

I agree, stop putting off therapy.

 

 

You basically have a bad blueprint in your mind of what marriage and family and relationships are like. Therapy should help you see that your blueprint is flawed and help you draw up another blueprint of what a healthy, mutually supportive marriage and family is like.

 

 

(and keep in mind that it's all a matter of degrees. Even the healthiest and happiest of families have problems and issues and are often the same problems and issues of dysfunctional families, it's just that they have healthier and more effective coping and corrective mechanisms and so issues are delt with in a much more efficient and effective manner and there for do not linger on as long or cause as much damage)

[Skot02]

Hi all,

d0nnivain, thank you I will try to attend to one... I hope... soon.. The thing is, I went one time to a phychologist, and even talking about the issue was hard. Even now I feel a rush. And her response to my story wasn't what I hoped so I disappeared thinking that she doesn't understand my situation. Anyway, maybe I will try these meetings.

 

bathtub-row,

I totally agree with you. I know that both of them require a lot,not just love neither is it a goal.

I believe that my relationship is a healthy one. I always double check everything to see if there is an unhealthy aspect in my relationship or if a trait of his character could cause problems in the future, or it would be a deal breaker. But ...who does that? I always check myself and him, I always pause questions...

 

As for kids, yes I know. I would want them now but in the future.... why would I want kids? Because I love them, because I believe is the ultimate completion of a family, and because I believe that me and my SO would be good parents.... at least I know I would give it my best... and I am willing to read a lot to make the best decisions for my self and my family.

What do you think ?

[d0nnivain]

Skot02 -- it's not that easy to find a good therapist who you click with who gets you. I went though a few before I found the 2 that helped me the most. There were a few I sat there wondering if they got their degrees in a Cracker Jack Box. Just because the 1st one wasn't for you, don't give up on the whole system. Ask for recommendations at the ACOA meeting too.

[losangelena]

I am going to echo, loudly, the notion of therapy.

 

It can take a while to find someone you kind of "click" with, but keep in mind that therapy won't feel "good" at first, no matter who you talk to.

 

You're ahead of the game in some ways because you already know that the root of your problem stems from your family, but that doesn't mean you don't have a lot of muck to wade through before you get some clarity/healing. I met my current therapist about 18 months ago, and we're just now touching bottom—that is, getting to what I believe is what's driving all my other issues (and yes, it has to do with my mother, surprise, surprise). But yeah, a year-and-a-half to get to this place.

 

Therapy is NOT a one and done type deal. For someone in your situation it could take months to see real change. But I encourage you to do it. I've found it to be very beneficial and the only way to really move forward in life. I think it's extremely smart of you to hold off on jumping into a marriage and family of your own; not everyone has that kind of foresight. You deserve to get some distance and healing from your family, and yeah, a good therapist is a great way to do that.

 

Also, my roommate goes to ACA meetings and she's had a lot of healing, too.

 

Good luck!

Edited January 9, 2016 by losangelena

[WaitingForBardot]

I'm not discounting your feelings, and maybe therapy would help, but there is another way to look at your parents' failed relationships.

 

My parents were both bad at relationships, both divorced twice, went through numerous partners, and had affairs. Rather than making me afraid of LTRs/marriage it instead made me determined to not repeat their mistakes. Apparently had the same effect on my sisters. Two of us have been married for almost 30 years and the other has been with her SO for almost 25.

[burnt]

I have been through a lot with my family,

I am afraid of making my own family because I don't want to become like anybody I know and I don't have any good example to follow.

 

No, you don't have any good example to follow. You have better example--the best way to learn to do something right is actually learning to avoid what's wrong.

 

You don't learn by just watching others walk properly, you learn to walk by falling and then learning how to prevent yourself from falling.

 

So, I think you are actually the lucky one--you have seen first hand exactly how a relationship deteriorates, you know the warning signs, so you can prevent/avoid them on time.

 

I have so many fears, because everybody says that eventually you turn up like your mother.

Yes, you will turn out to be somewhat like your mother--but you can control which one of your mother's qualities you value and adopt and which ones to train yourself against.

 

I think that I would have to read a hole lot from what I have read till now on being a good parent, and having a good marriage.

 

Yet another good thing you have on your side. In the accounts of so many people that you read, they didn't know what hit them over the head until the relationship was all broken. Because of what you are reading, you know that you have to work on your relationship from the start, NOT after it breaks to pieces. So that makes you the knowledgable lucky one in some ways.

 

In the future I would like to go to therapy,

 

I too echo what others said about starting therapy right now, but I'd suggest couples therapy more than individual therapy. Then you have your partner with you the whole time--in fact it'll strengthen the marriage from the start.

 

Best of luck. I think you have a lot of good things going for you.

[Skot02]

Hi again,

 

WaitingForBardot, I am not afraid of commitment - I think- since I am in a 4 year relationship, and before that in a 2 year one. But I am afraid of marriage and the future. I too try what you are trying- not to repeat my parents mistakes. I have a question for you - seeing all those failed relationships growing up who come you didn't lose faith in the institution? or develop fears that eventually the same will happen to you?

 

burnt, thank you.

Actually what I like to read is mostly books and studies for a good relationship-marriage-being a parent, although I read the treads here and elsewhere as well.

 

Couples therapy sounds good but I don't want him thinking that it's something wrong with him or us. I have already thought of it but I don't think he would like the idea of soul searching - he's a very 1+1=2 kind of guy...

[d0nnivain]

Couples therapy sounds good but I don't want him thinking that it's something wrong with him or us. I have already thought of it but I don't think he would like the idea of soul searching - he's a very 1+1=2 kind of guy...

 

My husband is a stoic Marine. I'd think he'd rather do another tour then couples therapy. However, when I was frustrated early on in our marriage I talked him into a communications weekend being facilitated by some therapists I knew from the local chamber of commerce. That ended up being helpful but we discovered that we didn't always understand each other when we thought we were talking because we had different styles of communicating. It wasn't full blown couples therapy but we did find some beneficial things about each other & our interactions.

[WaitingForBardot]

WaitingForBardot, I am not afraid of commitment - I think- since I am in a 4 year relationship, and before that in a 2 year one. But I am afraid of marriage and the future. I too try what you are trying- not to repeat my parents mistakes. I have a question for you - seeing all those failed relationships growing up who come you didn't lose faith in the institution? or develop fears that eventually the same will happen to you?

 

...

It's not really a matter of faith. I grew up in an era where it was just expected that you would be married someday, and as a product of that time I just expected the same for myself. Neither right nor wrong, just what it is. And of course I have fears that my fate may be the same as my parents, but all I can do is control the things I can control and take my chances with the rest.

[No_Go]

Hey OP,

 

You're not alone - I'm coming from a family of alcoholic and abusive person.... Plus my family deeply embedded in me that if I get married, it means I failed in life and I'm not worthy. Marriage according to all my female relatives was a way to block your success in life.

 

I never even dated while living with my family, started in my late 20s after changing 3 countries, 2 continents. Now, so many years later, I'm still very uncomfortable with relationships in general, I'm dating someone but I'm rejecting him subconsciously, I start catching myself.

 

So therapy is probably your best bet. There are people here with good experiences, that healed emotionally after difficult circumstances using CBT etc.

Also you can have couples therapy, you've been with your BF long enough to be open to talking about these things...

 

Hi all,

d0nnivain, thank you I will try to attend to one... I hope... soon.. The thing is, I went one time to a phychologist, and even talking about the issue was hard. Even now I feel a rush. And her response to my story wasn't what I hoped so I disappeared thinking that she doesn't understand my situation. Anyway, maybe I will try these meetings.

 

bathtub-row,

I totally agree with you. I know that both of them require a lot,not just love neither is it a goal.

I believe that my relationship is a healthy one. I always double check everything to see if there is an unhealthy aspect in my relationship or if a trait of his character could cause problems in the future, or it would be a deal breaker. But ...who does that? I always check myself and him, I always pause questions...

 

As for kids, yes I know. I would want them now but in the future.... why would I want kids? Because I love them, because I believe is the ultimate completion of a family, and because I believe that me and my SO would be good parents.... at least I know I would give it my best... and I am willing to read a lot to make the best decisions for my self and my family.

What do you think ?

[whichwayisup]

Once you find the right therapist to talk to, one who specializes in family dysfunction and childhood issues, you will know right away and feel a connection and a trust with her/him. Don't give up on counseling because of one bad experience.

 

Remember you ARE NOT your mom. Your mom made her own choices in life, she has her own personal baggage that isn't yours. You are smarter and wiser already but being aware of what you don't want your marriage to be like because of your experiences growing up. As for being a mom, you are a kind and caring person - there's no way you'd be like your mom!

 

Confide in your boyfriend, speak from your heart and allow him to know your fears and concerns. He loves you and cares for you.