lovella Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) Like the title says. He doesn't know I know. A couple months ago I saw pictures of him, his wife, 5 year old son and a baby girl together. It was baby's birthday. He said it wasn't what I thought it was. Said he and his son's mom just have a great parenting relationship and that baby girl is his niece. I believed him. Against my better judgment. Because I wanted to believe. I now have confirmation that he lied. They are married (9 years) and live together. I immediately decided that I am just going to disappear from his life. No conversations, no goodbyes. I want to move on. What is my next step to get through this? Other than no contact. Besides the anger and pain, I am struggling with the guilt. I didn't end it the moment I saw those pics and believed him instead. Maybe I was in denial. In retrospect, I think in the back of my mind I always knew. I want to tell his wife. A big part of me wants to and I have a feeling that I will. Both to ease my conscience and because I genuinely believe she needs to know. He is hiding so much from her -- secret social media profiles, another email address, an extra phone for "work," a bank account she doesn't know about -- and she doesn't deserve that. Her family and friends praise their marriage and it just seems so wrong that she has no idea. But I also know that it would break her heart. Their family won't be the same again. And the children. I can't even imagine. How do I become okay with myself again? Feel like I've lost myself and don't know who I am. Edited January 9, 2016 by lovella 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Like the title says. He doesn't know I know. A couple months ago I saw pictures of him, his wife, 5 year old son and a baby girl together. It was baby's birthday. He said it wasn't what I thought it was. Said he and his son's mom just have a great parenting relationship and that baby girl is his niece. I believed him. Against my better judgment. Because I wanted to believe. I now have confirmation that he lied. They are married (9 years) and live together. I immediately decided that I am just going to disappear from his life. No conversations, no goodbyes. I want to move on. What is my next step to get through this? Other than no contact. Besides the anger and pain, I am struggling with the guilt. I didn't end it the moment I saw those pics and believed him instead. Maybe I was in denial. In retrospect, I think in the back of my mind I always knew. I want to tell his wife. A big part of me wants to and I have a feeling that I will. Both to ease my conscience and because I genuinely believe she needs to know. He is hiding so much from her -- secret social media profiles, another email address, an extra phone for "work," a bank account she doesn't know about -- and she doesn't deserve that. Her family and friends praise their marriage and it just seems so wrong that she has no idea. But I also know that it would break her heart. Their family won't be the same again. And the children. I can't even imagine. How do I become okay with myself again? Feel like I've lost myself and don't know who I am. Yes, tell her. She has every right to know what is real. Provide evidence because she most likely won't believe you at first. Do you plan to end it completely with him? If so, when? 10 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 I'm so sorry that you had the unfortunate experience of meeting such a cheating liar. Don't blame yourself for believing him about the photo ... you wouldn't think people stoop so low as to deny their own flesh and blood like that. If you tell her...and I think you certainly should.. would you be safe if he found out it was you? Does he know where you live /work? Your family members? I'm just concerned he may seek revenge on you for telling him. I read of a similar case.. where the OW contacted the wife and told her. But she told the wife she was afraid of what he might do..especially as she had kids and she didn't want him causing harm. The BW thanked her so much and said she wouldn't reveal her sources.... and that the OW should not dump him right away or he'd get suspicious that she exposed him. The BW asked the OW to send her evidence of the affair for the divorce proceedings ... which she did. I won't spend time on the rest of the story.. but you get the gist of it. If a woman in your position told me my H was cheating and gave me all that other info.. I'd be so very thankful and grateful that I wasn't in the dark anymore. Once again.. sorry you met this pathetic excuse for a man. You are a lady with morals. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) I watch Forensic Files way too much. A single mistress is thought of as little more than dirt by just about everyone on the planet. Maybe even the equivalent of a prostitute. Some married men who have a lot to lose just get rid of them and kill them. And I assure you, most BW's hate you and want you destroyed too. If it were me as an OW in this position I would just disappear out of his life on my own without word. That is what I did with my xMM once I realized what the deal was. Edited January 9, 2016 by Popsicle 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovella Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 Yes, tell her. She has every right to know what is real. Provide evidence because she most likely won't believe you at first. Do you plan to end it completely with him? If so, when? I already have ended it. When I had confirmation that he lied. I just haven't told him that I'm done. I don't want to see or talk to him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovella Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 I'm so sorry that you had the unfortunate experience of meeting such a cheating liar. Don't blame yourself for believing him about the photo ... you wouldn't think people stoop so low as to deny their own flesh and blood like that. If you tell her...and I think you certainly should.. would you be safe if he found out it was you? Does he know where you live /work? Your family members? I'm just concerned he may seek revenge on you for telling him. I read of a similar case.. where the OW contacted the wife and told her. But she told the wife she was afraid of what he might do..especially as she had kids and she didn't want him causing harm. The BW thanked her so much and said she wouldn't reveal her sources.... and that the OW should not dump him right away or he'd get suspicious that she exposed him. The BW asked the OW to send her evidence of the affair for the divorce proceedings ... which she did. I won't spend time on the rest of the story.. but you get the gist of it. If a woman in your position told me my H was cheating and gave me all that other info.. I'd be so very thankful and grateful that I wasn't in the dark anymore. Once again.. sorry you met this pathetic excuse for a man. You are a lady with morals. I don't feel like a lady with morals, but thank you I really appreciate that. I am trying very hard not to blame myself. Yes he knows where I live and work. He has met my parents and knows where they live too. I want to say that he's not the kind of person who would ever seek revenge or hurt anyone, but after all the lies and deception, who knows what he is capable of. He does have a lot to lose if his wife finds out. From what I gather after some snooping today, he has possibly strayed a couple of years ago, but I can't be sure. I am hoping that when I do tell wife, it won't come as a surprise. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Wife deserves to know. Frankly I consider you close to the level of a betrayed spouse. You didn't know, were in a committed relationship with him and he took advantage of your trust. You can't be expected to hire a PI for every guy you date. This isn't on you. Wife does deserve to know, totally deserves to and Forensic Files is in reruns. So I doubt you have much to worry about on that front. Good for you. A lot of OW that find out they are OW device to say "oh its too late we're already in love." Which is very counter-intuitive because clearly the guy they think they love isn't exactly remotely honest so who the Hell knows what/who he is aside from a guy that cheats in his relationships. I salute you. As a betrayed spouse, I would greatly appreciate this information. It may not go over well in the moment, but you are 110% right. She deserves to know. She could pick up am STD from this dude. They RARELY cheat ONCE ONLY. Then their kids might not even have a Mom. And trust me, even if she doesn't totally know why he's so checked-out, he probably blames her for a bunch of stuff etc. Living with a cheater is psychological torture. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovella Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 I watch Forensic Files way too much. A single mistress is thought of as little more than dirt by just about everyone on the planet. Maybe even the equivalent of a prostitute. Some married men who have a lot to lose just get rid of them and kill them. And I assure you, most BW's hate you and want you destroyed too. If it were me as an OW in this position I would just disappear out of his life on my own without word. That is what I did with my xMM once I realized what the deal was. This doesn't make me feel good. I do still want to tell her. I plan on doing it anonymously. I will be sure to tell her that I didn't truly know until now. I hope she believes me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 I don't feel like a lady with morals, but thank you I really appreciate that. I am trying very hard not to blame myself. Yes he knows where I live and work. He has met my parents and knows where they live too. I want to say that he's not the kind of person who would ever seek revenge or hurt anyone, but after all the lies and deception, who knows what he is capable of. He does have a lot to lose if his wife finds out. From what I gather after some snooping today, he has possibly strayed a couple of years ago, but I can't be sure. I am hoping that when I do tell wife, it won't come as a surprise. On thank goodness. It's nice to see someone care about someone else instead of just shift all responsibility for what happens to this woman back in Cheater's lap. Because you know he won't be honest or forthcoming with her and he sure as hell won't take responsibility for it. Responsible guys don't cheat! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 I already have ended it. When I had confirmation that he lied. I just haven't told him that I'm done. I don't want to see or talk to him. Good for you for ending it! There is no need to tell him anything. It is best to just tell his wife, block him every way possible and disappear. If he has any soul at all being exposed will make him stop and realize how much pain his actions have caused his unsuspecting family. If I could turn back time that is what I would have done once I found out he lied about his status. It would have saved years of pain for both his family and me. Biggest regret ever! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) This doesn't make me feel good. Because you don't believe it. Watch some Forensic Files and you will. These were all normal everyday people. Also no one is going to be looking out for you, but you. She (wife) will stay with him and defend him and her marriage before she defends you. She may even talk crap about him but she will STAY with him. What comes out of their mouths means nothing, it's about actions. You will be thrown under the bus at best and left all alone. Edited January 9, 2016 by Popsicle 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 You think she's going to leave him. She won't. He will get to keep his marriage and family, just like he did before. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 You think she's going to leave him. She won't. He will get to keep his marriage and family, just like he did before. Only 35% of relationships stay together after infidelity is exposed. All of these divorces come from somewhere. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Only 35% of relationships stay together after infidelity is exposed. All of these divorces come from somewhere. Stats don't mean anything because of the methods used to obtain them. All you have to do is take a stroll around LS for some real life examples and see how most BS's stay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 You think she's going to leave him. She won't. He will get to keep his marriage and family, just like he did before. How do you know this? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 All of these divorces come from somewhere. I divorced, not due to infidelity on either side. Most divorces are due to other issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 This doesn't make me feel good. I do still want to tell her. I plan on doing it anonymously. I will be sure to tell her that I didn't truly know until now. I hope she believes me. No, don't do it like that. She isn't going to believe a word if you tell her anonymously. You didn't do anything wrong, you were led to believe that he was single and childless. When you found out the truth you chose to end things with him, so it's not like you want him for yourself and are fighting to keep him in your life. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Listen, OP, there are plenty of OW who knew their MM was married, but your MM did outright deceive you, even if you had suspicions. I think you are transferring too much guilt to yourself. It ALL rests with the MM. Some people are scum and you unfortunately come in contact with these people from time to time. Cut your losses and go. Do not drag this terrible chapter of your life on by getting involved in their marriage and problems any more. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 ""But I also know that it would break her heart. Their family won't be the same again. And the children. I can't even imagine." Yes, it will devastate her, but it will give her the much needed truth that she is living a lie. She will be able to make choices about her life instead of them being made for her behind her back. It will end the emtional abuse and gas lighting she is is suffering by being married to a cheater. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovella Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 Wife deserves to know. Frankly I consider you close to the level of a betrayed spouse. You didn't know, were in a committed relationship with him and he took advantage of your trust. You can't be expected to hire a PI for every guy you date. This isn't on you. Wife does deserve to know, totally deserves to and Forensic Files is in reruns. So I doubt you have much to worry about on that front. Good for you. A lot of OW that find out they are OW device to say "oh its too late we're already in love." Which is very counter-intuitive because clearly the guy they think they love isn't exactly remotely honest so who the Hell knows what/who he is aside from a guy that cheats in his relationships. I salute you. As a betrayed spouse, I would greatly appreciate this information. It may not go over well in the moment, but you are 110% right. She deserves to know. She could pick up am STD from this dude. They RARELY cheat ONCE ONLY. Then their kids might not even have a Mom. And trust me, even if she doesn't totally know why he's so checked-out, he probably blames her for a bunch of stuff etc. Living with a cheater is psychological torture. This makes me feel better, thank you for the support. I think the dishonesty part is what really did it for me. It's bad enough he is lying to his wife and he dug an even deeper hole when he lied about the pic. In a way I am glad he lied to me and I found out like this. I'm no saint and I loved him. If he had come clean and gave me the spiel about having a bad marriage and wanting to leave her, etc. I can't say I wouldn't have believed him and continued the affair. I'm not saying it's right, but now I see how I could have easily fallen into that trap. Yes I do worry about STDs and him cheating again after me. This is another reason I want to tell her. It's funny, I don't know his wife, but I find myself caring about her health and feelings and her children's well-being. Maybe it's a woman thing. Or guilt. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovella Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 You think she's going to leave him. She won't. He will get to keep his marriage and family, just like he did before. I don't really care either way. I'm not in it to get them to split. I do want her to be aware so she can make her own informed decision. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 "It's funny, I don't know his wife, but I find myself caring about her health and feelings and her children's well-being. Maybe it's a woman thing. Or guilt." Its because you have empathy which is a good thing! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovella Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 Thank you everyone so so much for all your support today. It hasn't been easy and I'm really glad I found this forum. I think because it's so fresh I really am putting a lot of blame on myself because I feel like I shouldn't have been so naive the first time. I almost feel like a willing participant. Such a hard lesson to learn. Besides telling his wife, my biggest concern now is how to move on. NC of course, but it's so hard to face the fact that I was the OW. Something I never in a million years thought I'd be. And he made that decision for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Lovella, so sorry to hear your story. Anger and pain are very valid emotions you should be feeling. But guilt? No. You didn't do anything wrong--you were deceived and used. You are a very strong person and a very moral person. You shouldn't doubt your sense of ethics. I ditto the same suggestion--yes you should tell the wife. Yes it will cause her enormous pain in the short run, but if you were in her position, you would want to know. No, the wife and children won't be same again, but they will be saved from a liar, cheater, and betrayer. It really takes special talent to call his own child his niece, set up all seperate accounts phones etc living that double life--a well prepared, mastermind at cheating. UGH. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 I don't really care either way. I'm not in it to get them to split. I do want her to be aware so she can make her own informed decision. No worries, Your postings come off loud and clear that this is not about splitting them up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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