Found out I'm the OW

[sandylee1]

You DO have morals... please don't think otherwise. He lied to you... how were you meant to know he was married.

 

I really do empathise..... because I was once in your position.. but he wasn't married ..he had a GF.

 

People DO divorce following infidelity..but some think it NEVER happens. She may not divorce him immediately...as in many cases.. but I personally as part of my work with married couples . . see many divorces as a result of infidelity.

 

I would definetly want to know if I was married to a man like him...so I could divorce him straight away. It's the honourable thing to do.... but your safety is paramount. If he gets kicked out... he'll blame you for everything.

 

If you can do it anonymously..then you should. He knows your family members and could seek revenge.. so bear that in mind. I also watch the FBI files and the lengths MM go to cover affairs is endless.

 

If you could do it as a third party.. saying you know of the affair.. and your 'friend' was deceived..... and dropped him as soon as she found out he was married.

 

What a sleeze meeting your family as well. In that case I bet there are others who know.. that actually could tell her.

[carhill]

Time will heal the emotional wounds. NC really helps with that. It's an emotional attachment which died an untimely death and it's normal to grieve that. After a couple of such incidences, I developed an attitude about relationships and women which essentially entailed 'trust, but verify' and moved on with life.

 

If you have any hard evidence of his double life and desire to share that with his wife, simply send it to her. Independently verifiable evidence is preferred. No need to get personally involved. Any guy who has the balls to live a double life and lie to a whole bunch of people can eat you for lunch in the politics department. Heh, I learned from the best, MW's. They're experts. Provide the stuff the wife can verify independently and move on. You'll never know the results because, well, you're NC. Their lives will work out like they do.

 

It'll work out. Someday you'll look back on it without any emotional content at all. Peace.

[dreamingoftigers]

Stats don't mean anything because of the methods used to obtain them. All you have to do is take a stroll around LS for some real life examples and see how most BS's stay.

 

There are plenty plenty plenty that left on here!

 

BetrayedH, Furious, Clay, Steen, and that's just off of the top of my head.

 

MN most of them encouraged me that the other side is better for YEARS. I decided if my own husband and I have a breakdown of that sort again, I have no issue leaving. None. Total detachment. In fact, when I first found out I was going to leave. I had never even HEARD of people staying after that.

 

Then my dad's affair came out and my parents stayed together. It shocked me. There are tons of resources for reconciliation, but many more for leaving.

 

Again, divorces comes from somewhere. Ignoring the majority that do leave is pretty foolish IMHO. And encouraging enabling a cheater to pull the wool over his innocent wife's eyes is also pretty low.

[Poppy47]

Good Morning Lovella,

 

You are obviously a woman with morals and should stop feeling so guilty. HE is the guilty one.

 

You need to stop the A immediately. NC and no explanations from you. He has hardly earned the right to an explanation from you, has he?

 

I don't often agree that a OW should tell the BS. However, in this case, it seems that revenge would not be your motive. The well being and health of his wife and the future of his children are at stake here. Whether they divorce is not the issue and not your business.

 

IF you decide to tell her, back up your words with details of the bank accounts, phones and whatever else you can find . She might not believe that he is leading a double life otherwise.

 

Whatever you do, never speak to him again, unless it's with another person present.

Poppy

[MJJean]

Tell the wife and offer your sincere apologies as well as any proof she wants/ needs.

 

If you're actually worried about your safety, go buy yourself a nice 9 mm and take up shooting as a hobby. Plenty of beginners to advanced classes available in most areas and the ones around here even do ladies nights where the classes and ammo are discounted. Post pics of you enjoying your new hobby on social media.

 

Getting a rather large dog is also an option. I'm partial to the molossers (mastiff types), but any big ole mutt would do. Great company, gives you something to love and care for, and is often a great crime deterrent.

 

No, I'm not joking. Assuming you're in the US without a criminal background, anyway. There's not much a single woman with a handgun and a good dog can't handle.

[winterkeep]

Hi Lovella,

 

Our situations are very similar, you can read my story in my earlier posts.

 

I recommend that you re read Popsicles advice, the BW who are here and telling you that you should disclose are not wrong but are approaching this from a BW perspective. Popsicle is right in that there will be very, very few people looking out for you especially if he - and he's likely to- pulls the "she's crazy, she's a stalker, she's obsessed" card, you will be the enemy in her eyes. The strongest relationship you should have is with yourself, and you need to protect yourself right now, your emotions are already spinning so slow down!

 

Your decision to go NC is enough as a first step, deal with that then decide if you're strong enough to handle the potential fallout of disclosure. Yes she has a right to know, but your right to grieve, process and recover in a safe environment is not outweighed by this. Your emotions are not secondary and any insistance that her rights outweigh yours illustrates Popsicles points.

[sandylee1]

There are plenty plenty plenty that left on here!

 

BetrayedH, Furious, Clay, Steen, and that's just off of the top of my head.

 

Again, divorces comes from somewhere. Ignoring the majority that do leave is pretty foolish IMHO. And encouraging enabling a cheater to pull the wool over his innocent wife's eyes is also pretty low.

 

Couldn't agree with you more. This notion that no BS leave is absolute nonsense and looks like it's said as a side dig... that's my perception.

 

If the BW knows..... then the choice to R or D is hers... but it would be an informed choice.

[Popsicle]

Hi Lovella,

 

Our situations are very similar, you can read my story in my earlier posts.

 

I recommend that you re read Popsicles advice, the BW who are here and telling you that you should disclose are not wrong but are approaching this from a BW perspective. Popsicle is right in that there will be very, very few people looking out for you especially if he - and he's likely to- pulls the "she's crazy, she's a stalker, she's obsessed" card, you will be the enemy in her eyes. The strongest relationship you should have is with yourself, and you need to protect yourself right now, your emotions are already spinning so slow down!

 

Your decision to go NC is enough as a first step, deal with that then decide if you're strong enough to handle the potential fallout of disclosure. Yes she has a right to know, but your right to grieve, process and recover in a safe environment is not outweighed by this. Your emotions are not secondary and any insistance that her rights outweigh yours illustrates Popsicles points.

 

Right. Exactly.

[Horton]

I think that his wife deserves to know the truth, but what she does with it once she has it is completely up to her and I personally(after telling her) wouldn't feel any more responsibility toward her after that point since you were deceived as well. BTW, I think it's commendable that you feel bad for her at all, that alone puts you in the minority.

 

On a slightly unrelated note, I do find it perplexing to hear that OW are likely to be murdered and wind up on forensic files if the affair ever gets exposed.(Or at least likely enough that it merits warning them about their potential future murder victim status on here.) Can't say I've ever heard that one before.

[Ms. Faust]

 

I recommend that you re read Popsicles advice, the BW who are here and telling you that you should disclose are not wrong but are approaching this from a BW perspective.

 

As someone else pointed out, in this case she IS more like the BW, because after confirming he is married she has decided to end the affair rather than continue it.

 

As to the Forensic Files comment... While there is always cause for concern to be wary of anyone in the dating world, if we're going to consider bodily harm or murder for this poster we should consider it for ALL posters who find themselves in an adulterous relationship. Basically all of our advice, whether they are just starting out in the affair, in the middle of it, or are upon DDay would be "run, girl, run!! Your a$$ is gonna get shanked!!"

 

I agree with Horton. Mail the information or pay someone to deliver it to her, and wash your hands of the situation. You've done your deed, and at that point it would be time to move on.

 

PS. I am a fan of "Who the Bleep did I Marry" myself, although I did find myself binge watching Forensic Files on Netflix last week, lol.

Edited January 9, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[winterkeep]

I'm not talking about murder, more that she will potentially be open to personal attacks, attacks on her reputation and other revenge activity that does occur frequently.

 

From what Lovella has described he is likely to blame shift once his wife finds out. It's human nature that she believe him over Lovella regardless of how plausible or implausible their stories may seem making her the enemy.

 

When I initially posted my story one of the first insinuations I received was that I should have known that he was married and that I was being disingenuous in saying that I didn't. This was before I posted actual details but illustrates the mindset that people automatically have toward the OW, we still have a need to paint women as madonnas and whores Lovella does not deserve to be cast as the latter, she likely will be though.

 

Heal yourself first Lovella then decide. You're dealing with the pain of losing someone you loved and the dicotomy of what you believed to be real and what is real. You're also describing cognitive dissonance in your acceptance of guilt over still having feelings for him and your uncertainty of your actions should things be different which can be very painful in itself. You may, even on a less than conscious level, be seeking some form of self flagellation in contacting his spouse.

 

I'm not against you telling her necessarily, I just don't think now is the time in your own healing to do so, self care is not selfish.

 

I'm a few months out now, I had the complication of finding out he was married when I discovered I was pregnant (complication is the wrong word but nothing describes it adequately ) I'm doing pretty well time and NC are what works along with practising self care. You sound very level headed, I think you'll be fine

[Popsicle]

On a slightly unrelated note, I do find it perplexing to hear that OW are likely to be murdered and wind up on forensic files if the affair ever gets exposed.(Or at least likely enough that it merits warning them about their potential future murder victim status on here.) Can't say I've ever heard that one before.

 

Try watching "Deadly Affairs"

[whichwayisup]

I doubt very much in this scenario anything bad is going to happen to the OP seeing as she was lied to by MM. It's kind of a mute point bringing up being murdered in her thread as to scare her off from not telling MM's wife the truth.

[S2B]

How did he keep his other life so secret from you? And I'm left wondering how did you find out he was actually married?

 

I've dated many men - but I usually notice red flags pretty early in(like the first date) that make it obvious he's probably married.

 

Was there anything that you could have noticed but didn't (in hind sight)?

 

Just wondering here so that others can be more aware of what to look for in married men who hide it.

[whichwayisup]

Like the title says. He doesn't know I know. A couple months ago I saw pictures of him, his wife, 5 year old son and a baby girl together. It was baby's birthday. He said it wasn't what I thought it was. Said he and his son's mom just have a great parenting relationship and that baby girl is his niece.

 

I believed him. Against my better judgment. Because I wanted to believe.

Seems the red flags were there but kind of ignored...

[winterkeep]

As someone else pointed out, in this case she IS more like the BW, because after confirming he is married she has decided to end the affair rather than continue it.

 

But she's not the BW is she? Both are 'victims' (I hate that word!) yet their wounds are different. The BW will be dealing with the enormous betrayal of the one person she believed she could trust, along with the betrayal of her children and all the other fears, doubts, self esteem issues and damage to what she believed to be her past and future.

 

Lovella is also dealing with loss and heartbreak and is very likely having to cope with the loss of parts of herself as well. For me when I found out xMM was a MM I felt like my entire identity had changed, I could no longer be 'good' the fact that I still had feelings for him made me question the very ethics and morals I had always accepted were at my core.

 

There are many BW who will believe she didn't know, but from reading the forums there are an equal amount that will chose to blame her if the MM decides to 'throw her under the bus'. And why wouldn't he? He's already a consummate lair who has no issues with twisting the truth to suit him. When I was in my self punishment stage I read a lot on SI, enough to see that the majority of opinions are "Of course the OW knew, he's just lying to protect her or she's a lying cumdumster who can't keep her legs shut, post all her social media on a revenge site she deserves whatever pain you can throw at her."

 

I did not in anyway know my xMM was M, they lived apart and he was very good at compartmentalising. That didn't stop people here from insinuating that I HAD to know (which has already started on this post toward Lovella) suggesting that I was indeed at fault.

 

She is not the BW, wittingly or not she is the OW - people are going to cast stones. She should be allowed to deal with her own grief first.

[ShatteredLady]

Discovering that your H is capable of doing this is truly horrific. There aren't words! It completely messes your head-up! Just because a bs doesn't file for divorce the day she finds the truth DOES NOT MEAN it's not the beginning of the end!

 

Of the teeny tiny percentage of OW attacked by the MM most are threatening to ruin their lives. How could hurting her protect him once his wife knows?

 

The truth is most wives can feel that something is very wrong. It's truly crazy making!! I spent over 6 months HATING myself, thinking whatever was going on was ALL my fault. Learning the truth was excruciating but it was also a tremendous relief.

 

We're arranging our house & listing it for sale so we can return home. (I'm from UK but living in USA) learning the truth taught me how completely vulnerable I am in my life. It's not just about STD's. I made HUGE life altering choices like moving country, leaving my career, getting PREGNANT again, that I would NEVER of done if I'd known how tenuous my prdicament was.

 

I know that many OW don't consider the BS & the kids to be anything to do with them. I guess you tell yourself whatever you need to so you can sleep at night!

 

You are innocent in this situation. You're a woman. I can't guess how his wife will react in the moment of discovery but as time passes & she processes everything..... How many BS say they wish they never knew the truth of their H?

 

It made me feel better reading your post. Unlike many I don't consider other women the enemy. If more of us felt some kind of solidarity there would be a lot less heartache in the world. Many affairs persist because OW believe the BS to be somehow deserving, if they think of them at all....

[Popsicle]

You're one of the sweet and empathetic BS's, ShatteredLady. And, please, make no mistake, the biggest victim in this all is always the BS who was completely unsuspecting. But if she knows, and/or after she knows, I don't know, I question. It's almost as if she becomes just like the other women who knew their MM were married but kept going with him...

 

Anyways, I think when you move back to Blighty, you will feel empowered and get some of your mojo back.

[ShatteredLady]

There's NOTHING you could say to my 20 year old self to make her believe that she could ever possibly, even in her worst nightmares, end up being 'this' woman! Nothing!!

 

I got temp jobs & worked crazy hours, bank holidays & saved for a deposit to purchase my own home when I was 18 & rented the spare room out! I was so successful so independent. It honestly never occurred to me how trapped I'd become. Isn't that crazy?

 

'That' woman can't even support herself & her children!! I'm so isolated. In one moment I realized that even if I packed our bags I didn't have anywhere to go!

 

If I can be that blind. That bloody stupid! How can I fault another woman who's just living a blind fantasy? I used to joke that if we took all the time we spent cooking, cleaning, ironing, makeup, hair etc etc & put it to some purpose we would rule the world!

 

My veil of shame will lift when I see the river Thames again

[Popsicle]

There's NOTHING you could say to my 20 year old self to make her believe that she could ever possibly, even in her worst nightmares, end up being 'this' woman! Nothing!!

 

I got temp jobs & worked crazy hours, bank holidays & saved for a deposit to purchase my own home when I was 18 & rented the spare room out! I was so successful so independent. It honestly never occurred to me how trapped I'd become. Isn't that crazy?

 

'That' woman can't even support herself & her children!! I'm so isolated. In one moment I realized that even if I packed our bags I didn't have anywhere to go!

 

If I can be that blind. That bloody stupid! How can I fault another woman who's just living a blind fantasy? I used to joke that if we took all the time we spent cooking, cleaning, ironing, makeup, hair etc etc & put it to some purpose we would rule the world!

 

My veil of shame will lift when I see the river Thames again

 

It will. I can relate to you. At one time (for a long time) I was completely financially dependent upon my xH. Because of this, he lost his mind and acted like a damn nut and I was helpless to do anything about it. I was in that state for 10 years and I loved being married and priviledged all that, but it was not healthy. One day, I'm not sure how though, I got some courage and I left. I was willing to give it all up (except my kids). It was rough at first, but now I am in a position of independence and I am happier than I've ever been and the freedom is amazing! I will NEVER EVER be financially dependent on a man again! I don't care if he makes 100 times more money than me, I will never stop working and put myself in a position of being dependent again.

[Poppy47]

It will. I can relate to you. At one time (for a long time) I was completely financially dependent upon my xH. Because of this, he lost his mind and acted like a damn nut and I was helpless to do anything about it. I was in that state for 10 years and I loved being married and priviledged all that, but it was not healthy. One day, I'm not sure how though, I got some courage and I left. I was willing to give it all up (except my kids). It was rough at first, but now I am in a position of independence and I am happier than I've ever been and the freedom is amazing! I will NEVER EVER be financially dependent on a man again! I don't care if he makes 100 times more money than me, I will never stop working and put myself in a position of being dependent again.

POpsicle,

 

I am cheering for you. NEVER knowingly put yourself into the position of depending on anyone financially. It's a slow death of the soul.

POppy.

[ShatteredLady]

Isolation is just as crippling. Free healthcare & the love & support of family & friends will make a HUGE difference in my life.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think that his wife deserves to know the truth, but what she does with it once she has it is completely up to her and I personally(after telling her) wouldn't feel any more responsibility toward her after that point since you were deceived as well. BTW, I think it's commendable that you feel bad for her at all, that alone puts you in the minority.

 

On a slightly unrelated note, I do find it perplexing to hear that OW are likely to be murdered and wind up on forensic files if the affair ever gets exposed.(Or at least likely enough that it merits warning them about their potential future murder victim status on here.) Can't say I've ever heard that one before.

 

Frankly on Forensic Files, usually the wife gets killed. Or the husband. And they mix it up a lot. A lot of times it is random too.

 

I remember one where the husband was killed by the OW.

[dreamingoftigers]

But she's not the BW is she? Both are 'victims' (I hate that word!) yet their wounds are different. The BW will be dealing with the enormous betrayal of the one person she believed she could trust, along with the betrayal of her children and all the other fears, doubts, self esteem issues and damage to what she believed to be her past and future.

 

Lovella is also dealing with loss and heartbreak and is very likely having to cope with the loss of parts of herself as well. For me when I found out xMM was a MM I felt like my entire identity had changed, I could no longer be 'good' the fact that I still had feelings for him made me question the very ethics and morals I had always accepted were at my core.

 

There are many BW who will believe she didn't know, but from reading the forums there are an equal amount that will chose to blame her if the MM decides to 'throw her under the bus'. And why wouldn't he? He's already a consummate lair who has no issues with twisting the truth to suit him. When I was in my self punishment stage I read a lot on SI, enough to see that the majority of opinions are "Of course the OW knew, he's just lying to protect her or she's a lying cumdumster who can't keep her legs shut, post all her social media on a revenge site she deserves whatever pain you can throw at her."

 

I did not in anyway know my xMM was M, they lived apart and he was very good at compartmentalising. That didn't stop people here from insinuating that I HAD to know (which has already started on this post toward Lovella) suggesting that I was indeed at fault.

 

She is not the BW, wittingly or not she is the OW - people are going to cast stones. She should be allowed to deal with her own grief first.

 

I think it takes a rare kind of arsehole to judge her straight-off guilty for being lied to.

 

Although plenty of BW/BH get blamed for having married "a cheater" in the first place. They "must have known."

 

Nah. Some people just suck. And many are more immature than they initially appear.

[whichwayisup]

. It's almost as if she becomes just like the other women who knew their MM were married but kept going with him...

 

You're making it seem like an OW and a BS are on the same level. An OW may have the same pain but she hasn't invested years into him like a BS has. No children shared, no friends and family entwined. Comparing is apples and oranges.